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No real horror just a lot of slit throats. at the end.. Why did she have to slit the child's throat? The ending was good with the child in the backseat and the "call me mama".
I liked this better than most seemed to, but I think there needs to be more to Maria's character presented up front for us to accept what she does at the end. Particularly to the child. There's a good story here, but it's the details that would make it more than just an outline, or a tale told with very broad strokes. And in order to get that detail in, I think you need more pages.
The scene with Luis for instance, is very good, but too long for a script of this length. It takes up space that would've been better spent developing Maria and showing some of what Jake went through between losing Maria and moving on. Was she right about him not even trying? I think it's important to know.
How come there is no logline for this one? Anyways....
Good work with the beginning, the deal gone wrong with made me feel for Jake, however, I would like to see him react to this more. Only having 10 pages to write doesn't allow for a lot of extra stuff added in so if you do a re-write of this I would love to see Jake actually trying to find her (if he even did)
The ending was okay, a bit predictable though..... I would like to see the ending extended a bit, have Maria take her pain out on the guy that failed to save her, slowly
Notes: On page 1 you have Luis sit at the table. Then, on page 2, you have him sit again? Fix that. So far, it looks like a mash of the original tale and shades of We are the Millers and Breaking Bad. Pretty brutal ending which meets the horror element. Sometimes the dialogue seemed bland as well as the action at the bar. The ending scene was good though and ended well. One problem is that you didn’t name the baby and later in the bar scene you did call him Willy – without proper intro it was a bit confusing. Then, at the end you called him Billy. Again, don’t let us figure it out. Make things clearer. Overall, good but not great. Fix some of the dialogue and clear up some of the confusing elements and this would be better.
Met Challenge?: Yes Horror: Sure. Lots of blood. Overall: Consider w/ re-write
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
I felt sorry for Maria at first but then her revenge is unfounded and she becomes a bitch.
Her logic isn't sound. She has a shitty life because some asshole kidnapped her, so she goes on a killing spree, murdering women and children of someone who loved her? Doesn't make sense.