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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Call Me Mama - OWC
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  Author    Call Me Mama - OWC  (currently 2580 views)
irish eyes
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Sorry didn't really work for me.

Should have at least attempted a logline.

No real horror just a lot of slit throats. at the end.. Why did she have to slit the child's throat?
The ending was good with the child in the backseat and the "call me mama".

The writing was solid but the storyline wasn't.


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EWall433
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this better than most seemed to, but I think there needs to be more to Maria's character presented up front for us to accept what she does at the end. Particularly to the child. There's a good story here, but it's the details that would make it more than just an outline, or a tale told with very broad strokes. And in order to get that detail in, I think you need more pages.

The scene with Luis for instance, is very good, but too long for a script of this length. It takes up space that would've been better spent developing Maria and showing some of what Jake went through between losing Maria and moving on. Was she right about him not even trying? I think it's important to know.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this as a revenge tale, worked well and pacing was spot on... not entirely sure it fit the parameters of the challenge but i'll let it slide.

Good effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Lightfoot
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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How come there is no logline for this one? Anyways....

Good work with the beginning, the deal gone wrong with made me feel for Jake, however, I would like to see him react to this more. Only having 10 pages to write doesn't allow for a lot of extra stuff added in so if you do a re-write of this I would love to see Jake actually trying to find her (if he even did)

The ending was okay, a bit predictable though..... I would like to see the ending extended a bit, have Maria take her pain out on the guy that failed to save her, slowly

Good effort
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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Notes:
On page 1 you have Luis sit at the table.  Then, on page 2, you have him sit again?  Fix that.  So far, it looks like a mash of the original tale and shades of We are the Millers and Breaking Bad.  Pretty brutal ending which meets the horror element.  Sometimes the dialogue seemed bland as well as the action at the bar.  The ending scene was good though and ended well.  One problem is that you didn’t name the baby and later in the bar scene you did call him Willy – without proper intro it was a bit confusing.  Then, at the end you called him Billy.  Again, don’t let us figure it out.  Make things clearer.  Overall, good but not great.  Fix some of the dialogue and clear up some of the confusing elements and this would be better.

Met Challenge?: Yes
Horror: Sure.  Lots of blood.
Overall: Consider w/ re-write


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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Nomad
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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This is too dark for me.

I felt sorry for Maria at first but then her revenge is unfounded and she becomes a bitch.

Her logic isn't sound.  
She has a shitty life because some asshole kidnapped her, so she goes on a killing spree, murdering women and children of someone who loved her?  Doesn't make sense.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 26th, 2016, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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While the writing was good, the story (which I've never heard of) was meh.

Barely any horror until the bodies and torture start.

Better if he doesn't recognize her at all.

Pass. C


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