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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Brer - OWC
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  Author    Brer - OWC  (currently 2650 views)
MarkItZero
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this is kind of creative. I don't really understand the point of the confrontation between Brer and Fontaine. They delve into a complex property dispute where I learned a lot about animal construction company business practices. But his rampage doesn't seem to have anything to do with that or anything else. He just goes on a killing spree for no particular reason. Unless I misread something.

I would say one thing to work on is give subtle hints there's something "off" about Brer.

FONTAINE FOX
I’m giving up because you’re a
fucking psycho, Brer. A fucking
PSYCHO.

More subtle than this. Look up some common characteristics of psychopaths and try and weave that stuff in. Things you can show, maybe physical mannerisms, stuff like that. Particularly with the scene between Brer and Penny, it should be very clear Brer has issues by this point. That whole scene could be filled with tension. Maybe even she knows somethings off and she's trying to talk her way out of the room or something like that.

It was a creative effort though.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Cameron
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Funny how music makes a difference. I had Venus in Furs on in the background there at the beginning and it seemed to make sense, however it turned quite quickly and descended into a hell of a lot of gore just as the song finished.

Anyway, music aside, it was reasonably well written, and had a really good first movement which could have been expanded, basically because there was more gore than require in the second. Maybe I just didn't like the second act because Joy Division came on...

Mixed for me, I did quite like it but not sure if it's a consider or not
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James McClung
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Good choice on fairy (or perhaps folk) tale here. I heard a lot of these stories when I was a kid and enjoy them to this day. Super underrated.

That said, more of the same from me, I'm afraid. I actually liked the first half. Didn't think it was slow or anything. The ending indeed renders it meaningless, though. As far as I can tell, you drop no hints that Rabbit would do something like this and even if you did, the meaning of it is lost on me.

Wouldn't it have made more sense that Fox kill Rabbit's family? Or switch the two so that Fox is the coldhearted businessman (I agree with a previous comment that the role reversal is cool, but even so, this would be an option)? Both options would shift the story from a horror to a revenge/thriller context, but at least it'd have some sort of logic to it.

I'll echo Jeff's comment that I found this mean-spirited. I do NOT object to that in and of itself. If there were some meaning behind it (moral or otherwise), it could work, even if it made a lot of readers upset. As of now, it's just senseless.

Even from a gore perspective, I'm disappointed in how mundane it all is. You haven't taken advantage of the tea kettle in the scene either, which would've at least brought something memorable to the grisly proceedings. You should've used it on Fox, to be honest. It's been documented that strangling someone takes a long, *long* time.

Good writing. Good choice of source material. Not even *that* bad, honestly. Just feels like a waste. As I mentioned in another thread, though, I didn't make the deadline for this one, so as with the others, a congrats is in order.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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I've only heard of Brer Rabbit because of Song of the South.

Anyway, here goes...

Shouldn't it be McSpooks instead of Mcspooks?

Right out of the gate, no "FADE IN:" at the top of the page, and...


Quoted Text
EXT. ANIMAL VILLAGE[]- MIDDAY


You need a space after "Village." Stick to DAY and NIGHT.

Semicolon should be a comma.

"Over" is an orphan. Some writers/readers hate this, as the word takes up its own line. Too many of these waste a page or more's worth of space.

Why is "Desk" capitalized?

Um, of course FONTAINE FOX is a fox? Why wouldn't he be a fox? I'm not saying Michael J. Fox is a fox, but in this universe you're setting up for us, we can just assume Fontaine Fox is a fox. It goes without saying.


Quoted Text
FONTAINE FOX
[..] Screw you,
Brer.

[...]

BRER RABBIT
Get to the point, asshole. [...]


There goes your G rating.  


Quoted Text
What happened to your fucking
morals!


Hell, there goes your PG-13 rating!  

"Fontaine [is] visibly distressed."

Eight lines! I say trim it.


Quoted Text
FONTAINE FOX (CONT’D)
You went too far. My father’s
without a fucking mound, he’s old,
he needs somewhere to live, he’s
using whatever gold he has left to
find somewhere cheap.
Hm, Brer
Rabbit Construction’s new line of
top quality mounds being built over
his land. FUCK YOU!



Quoted Text
FONTAINE FOX
You went too far. My father’s
without a fucking mound, he’s old,
he’s using whatever gold he has left
Hm, Brer Rabbit Construction’s new
line of top quality mounds being
built over his land. FUCK YOU!


I just removed two lines worth of dialogue. Also, CONT'D is unnecessary. Turn these off in your program except for page breaks.

You could even remove:


Quoted Text
Hm, Brer Rabbit Construction’s new
line of top quality mounds being
built over his land.


And that'll give you four lines:


Quoted Text
FONTAINE FOX
You went too far. My father’s
without a fucking mound, he’s old,
he’s using whatever gold he has left
FUCK YOU!


When Fontaine says "A fucking PSYCHO," I can hear those screeching strings in my head: "EEE! EEE! EEE! EEE!" Will the Psycho reference be relevant to the story? So far, I'm getting shades of Citizen Kane, Donald Trump, and Ebenezer Scrooge.

You keep forgetting to put a space before the hyphen in your slugs.


Quoted Text
Outside Brer Rabbit Mound Construction Co.[, a]nimals gather
around watching Fontaine walk out with items. Most gossip
among each[]other.


Pretty sloppy writing here, even for a one-weeker.


Quoted Text
INT. BRER’S OFFICE- LATER ON


Better yet, is it day or night?


Quoted Text
‘Wednesday[,] 8th of June[,] 1900’


Commas.


Quoted Text
Brer rubs his hand against his wooden desk. His sharp claws
scratch.

Screech, screech, screech. He carves into the wood, going
deeper with each scratch.


I'd merge these two paragraphs.

"[...]a late[-]night fishing trip."

You can remove "Casually."

If you're simply repeating a slug, you might benefit from replacing the whole second slug with LATER.


Quoted Text
PENNY[,] a petite female fox wearing a blue dress[, s]tands in
the kitchen, cleaning pots and pans.


Very awkward as written.


Quoted Text
The door [is] open.


Complete sentences; avoid what Richard Walter calls "Tarzan talk." Or at least keep to bare minimum.

"the door behind
him" is an orphan.

I don't think "If you don't mind" needs a question mark.

Your "(pointing down the hallway)" parenthetical is too long. Use an action line instead.

If the story weren't this interesting, I probably would have stopped by now.

Okay, at this point, you can just use mini slugs (or intercut) to speed up the pace.


Quoted Text
Brer pulls the hatchet out and [s]now slams its multiple times
into her head as she withers on the floor, back to the stove.


Wrong word choice.

"Brer grunts" and "No damage is shown" should be merged.

"GRAAAH" "YAAAAHHHH"   Nah, just Brer screams would suffice. Writing it out smacks of rank amateur. I speak from experience.

Nice gore visuals.  


Quoted Text
Zippedy-doo-dah-zippety-day.


Close, very close. It's actually


Quoted Text
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah! Zip-a-dee-ay!


My, oh my, what a wonderful script this would be if you could clean it up and polish.

"CUT TO BLACK." should be capitalized and right-aligned, with a period at the end.

Speaking of "The End," it should be formatted as a character heading, capitalized, no period.

Anyway...

My, oh my, what a wonderful script this would be if you could clean it up and polish. That's not to say your script is terrible, but it definitely needs more work. Just keep that Uncle Reemus smile on your face and song in your heart and you can deliver an even-more-knockout script.

Strong consider. A-


FADE IN:
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StuartJ
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Well that took a turn for the worst. I feel almost too much so, a lot of the violence seemed out of place and just too full on.

I enjoyed the rest, I think if it was tonex down slightly it would make for a better read but that's just my opinion.

It is well written though, well done.


Congratulations
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 28th, 2016, 12:13am Report to Moderator
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Notes:
Midday and Later On in the slugs is probably not good.  Just Day or Later, plus many instances those scenes were Continuous.  Look at all of them and fix them now that you have time.  I understand that some of this was because of time restraints.  I think the opening scene does nothing for the story and should be removed.

Speaking of the story, Brer is one pissed off rabbit!  At first, I was thinking there was no real reason for all the violence at Fontaine’s mound.  Then, I remembered this is horror and you really don’t need a reason for the mayhem.  If he could do this to his friend, what do you think he could do to his enemies!

Some of the dialogue was a bit clunky and long.  Some of the writing was pretty good and the pacing was good with the gore in the mound.  Liked showing the violence with the mix of showing Fontaine fishing and returning to the mound.  With some of the mistakes in the slugs just keeps this from being a recommend.  It really didn’t follow the tale except for the Brer character.  If this was animation, it’s expensive to make but not unheard of.  Good job on getting this done on time.

Met Challenge?: Yes, barely.
Horror: Oh yeah.
Overall: Pass w/re-write could be Consider


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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c m hall
Posted: October 28th, 2016, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

I think the logline might reveal too much of the story.  

The descriptions that introduce the characters, especially their clothes and their surroundings, are quietly clever, brought a smile.

The dialogue between characters and descriptions of their actions, particularly Brer Rabbit waiting while the kettle comes to a boil, have the tone and the timing that the original Brer Rabbit Tales had -- the audience will be spellbound,  this is real story tellin' time.

The violent actions Brer Rabbit takes against Mrs. Fox are detailed in full for the audience, where the violence against the fox children is known only by the evidence left.  Similarly, the original tales had lessons to teach but were meant to be entertaining.  

All in all, I think this is a very good script that might benefit by being expanded, a little, to make an entertaining film.  As it is now, this story is quite stark and if that is the intention, that is achieved.  
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