I used to be a fan of the slasher flicks when I was a little kid, but as I got older I just found them boring because the same thing always happened.  I'd have to say the same for this.  It just wasn't for me.

The use of flashbacks was getting distracting, and there were a lot of them.  And I found the story hard to follow.  

If slasher flicks are your thing, then this will do!  It just wasn't for me. With all the distractions in the script, I found it hard to really focus on the story.

Good luck.

Nolan

Like the title.

The script, not so much. So much happening here, making it quite difficult to follow. Then there's gore for the sake of it. The story is lacklustre. Seems like a conventional Cinderella tale with gore that doesn't fit. Didn't find it horrific at all, either.

Glenn.

Regarding the barrage of flashbacks, fantasies, montages.
I agree they're tough to navigate when reading, but I wonder whether they might not be so bad while watching. The viewer doesn't have to deal with all the slug stops and starts. I'm not saying this script would succeed in that regard, but I do give the writer props for thinking it through and trying to make it work.

HOWEVER -- The thinking things through didn't last. It's almost as if the writer wrote the first part, took a break, and returned to finish up in a big rush. The result is a helter-skelter, let's-see-what-happens-next, slash-and-smash bloody mess.

Decent title. Ironic logline?

Wait, is Ella Cinderalla? That's confusing, writer.

In general, far too many characters for my taste. Wow, even more characters appear now…

I admire your fantasy, creativity, and the warm fairytale feeling you capture inside this pretty unique version.  I must say the mass of characters and imaginative scenarios make this read as a short story that belongs into the realm of literature. Lots of imagination here. A bit too much of everything though…

@ coming back here because this really got a deep fairytale atmosphere. It's definitely not a screenplay but the enthusiasm to tackle the true charecteristics of fairytales in the challenge, is astonishing to me in hindsight. There are lot of educational angles as well...

BEGIN FLASHBACK.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Aurora drinks the glass of water that kills her.
END FLASHBACK.
BEGIN DIFFERENT FLASHBACK...

That's cracking - never seen that before. Boy there were some flashbacks in this.

Ok, a bit confusing etc but I liked the fact that Cinderella is not perfect and that the anger bursts out and people get their just rewards.

Writer,

If I'm wrong, I'm wrong -- but this has got pisser all over it. No real attempt for this to be cohesive. Reads kinda like, oh what the hell, throw this in there too. Flashbacks, fantasy sequences (and one titled Different Flashback, even!) make for a very muddled, hard to follow read. The Cinderella passes gas, of course! Then "Fornicate yourself! (Kinda funny actually) Eh well, just took the long way of saying this wasn't for me. If it was not meant to be a pisser then I apologize.

Steve

I understand the story, that already rises this script above quite a few scripts I've read here. Cinderella is finally some fairy tale I've heard of before, so it was relatively easy to recognize the original story background here. However, that's about all I can say on the pro side, unfortunately.

The scene alignment and the permanent flashbacks, montages a.s.o. turned me off. Most of them don't contribute to the story in any way either. For example the flashback which shows how Aurora dies. There's nothing interesting in that flashback scene. We know she's dead from the engravement on the tree and the flashback doesn't give us any more necessary info.

Or this one:

BEGIN FLASHBACK.

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

JAMES (30, well groomed and rugged), Aurora and Marge enjoy
dinner. Marge has a deceitful smile on her face.

END FLASHBACK.

It's totally pointless.

On page 4 I really begin to struggle, one flashback follows the next one follows a montage. Very weird, very hard to follow and very unnecessary for the story.

After all, it's an interesting take on the story. Write it in screenplay format and it could be something. If I imagine the script as it is as a film, it rather seems to be a frozen image gallery which is why I have to pass here.

Bea Arthur's face... good start

A little overkill on the flashbacks and montages especially for a short.

A full on slasher at the end lol

Not bad I got through it.

It did jump about a little too much for a short but can be cleaned up in a rewrite

I'm sure Bea Arthur would appreciate her namedrop here... on second thought, she, like, actually wouldn't. She's dead. I guess sarcasm need not apply.

Anyway, "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo." Copyrighted AF. I think you might need to scrap it. Even so, why not make up your own magic words?

Moving along...

A decent effort, I suppose. I especially appreciate the mutilation of the stepsister's feet, as that's from the original Bros. Grimm version if I'm not mistaken. Was the cat turning into the father as well? Can't remember. Speaking of which, why indeed does the cat hiss is it is Ella's pops?

The majority of the issues occur during the flashbacks and montage. For some reason, you really neglected to set the scenes so that it was clear what's going on. For example, you don't know who is or isn't sitting at the table from the getgo when Ella's parents are murdered. Also, some elements, I don't even think needed to constitute separate parts of a montage, as they all occurred instantaneously.

I was especially lost during the orange juice sequence. I couldn't tell where the fantasy ended and reality picked up. Pretty sure there should've been a BACK TO SCENE in there somewhere.

More or less a faithful retelling of the original source material as far as I can tell, gory set piece at the end not withstanding. I suppose you could've done more with it, as it didn't leave much of an impression, but I didn't mind it. In any case, the writing could use some tightening up. Congrats of entering.

I can't say I'm not disappointed about the reception/reviews. I know you all have a lot of questions about Cinder Hell, and now that our names and Writer's Choices have been revealed, I guess it's time to defend my script.

Quoted from Canis no more than morbid tale of revenge, the overall plan of those so well deserved of comeuppance was bordering on unimaginative, IMO...

This is a lot more than just a mere "morbid tale of revenge." I largely live the fairy tale I chose for this challenge, so this definitely hits close to home. It's very personal to me.

As for the kills, the genre was horror, so I went all in, lol. Cinder Hell doesn't really qualify as a slasher or splatter film, per se; I see those more as "maniac on the loose" than "you might get wet." Thus, the goal wasn't to create elaborate Friday the 13th-style kills; it was to give the Stepmother and Stepsisters their just deserts. (No, that's not a typo.) And to show Cinderella's struggles with PTSD, abuse, and oppression.

Quoted from Canis Quite the roster of gruesome visuals! BTW

Thank you.

I don't know about turning the stepsisters into Prep H, lol; I tried to stay true to the time period.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Some of it felt a little too close to the original story (toe snipping to fit in the shoes) and maybe brought in characters from a different tale (Aurora is from Sleeping Beauty?)... but I did like the idea of fairy-godmother taking revenge.

IMO, "un-Disneying" the story and reverting back to the roots qualifies as a retelling. Most people only know the sanitized/Disney versions of these fairy tales, just like most people in 1989 only knew the Adam West version of Batman prior to Tim Burton's darker take starring Michael Keaton.

Also, no, it's not the same Aurora.   I was looking for period names and thought Aurora was a nice name; it means "light" or "dawn." Coincidentally, Charles Perrault wrote both stories.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Ok from the log, I think this is going to be a slash-fest(not my favorite).

See above.

Quoted Text I had to google Bea Arthur.

You've never heard of The Golden Girls or Maude?   Or the Star Wars Christmas Special?  

Quoted from Pale Yellow Also as far as appearance, your FADE IN is not spaced properly, nor are your slug lines.

I don't see how that's possible; I use Trelby, so everything should automatically be properly formatted.   Then again, the big fat cursor can be a bit wonky.   I'll look into it.

About the (oft-repeated) flashbacks, everybody, Wikipedia has a great article about Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Quoted from Wikipedia, PTSD Symptoms may include disturbing thoughts, feelings, or dreams related to the events, mental or physical distress to trauma-related cues, attempts to avoid trauma-related cues, alterations in how a person thinks and feels, and increased arousal. In the typical case, the individual with PTSD persistently avoids trauma-related thoughts and emotions, and discussion of the traumatic event, and may even have amnesia of the event. However, the event is commonly relived by the individual through intrusive, recurrent recollections, flashbacks, and nightmares. Quasi-experimental studies have demonstrated a relationship between intrusive thoughts and intentional control responses such that suppression increases the frequency of unwanted intrusive thoughts. These results suggest that suppression of intrusive thoughts may be important in the development and maintenance of PTSD.

I have since thought of a way to streamline the flashbacks and montages that occur one after the other.

Quoted Text BEGIN FLASHBACK MONTAGE. Blah, blah blah END OF FLASHBACK MONTAGE.

I wish I had thought of that sooner. Would've made for a cleaner read. Still doesn't change how it would look on screen.

@khamanna Cinderella does a lot, actually. She gets her revenge just as much as her Fairy Godmother does.

@Eric (and Henry, too) Nothing was tacked on nor rushed through. Everything was labored over from day one to day last.

You're right, though, Eric, I had a lot of story to cram into ten pages. That's why I cut the opening with the Stepmother killing the parents, one year apart, which I introduced in those flashbacks.

Quoted Text A longer script would've allowed the backstory and minor plot beats (step-sister’s feet) to play out at a more natural pace.

I agree wholeheartedly, but I am happy with what I managed. I'm considering expanding this into a feature.

I respectfully disagree; I feel that I capitalized on Cinderella's fantasies. She's suppressing this trauma and anger. She's a ticking time bomb and could go off at any time, and after seeing that she has a way out of her lowly existence, she finally does go off. She does snap, but instead of killing them, she rebels and then storms out.

@Conz I know the ball scenes were short, but I wanted to emphasize the horror. I wrote enough of the ball for Cinderella to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.

The fart, actually, was not a gag. I understand how you'd think that, but. rather it's Cinderella's first act of revenge against her tormentors. She makes it look like an accident, passive aggressive (no pun intended). Things get uglier from there.

I removed the line "If the shoe fits..." but I couldn't being myself to cut the Johnnie Cochran joke, no matter how anachronistic.

The ending was actually the first thing I wrote (Bibbidi! *Splat* Bobbidi! *Sploosh!* Boo! *Splatter*). I added "a dream is a wish..." and the cat being the dad at the last minute.

@Jeff Nope. This most certainly is NOT a pisser. In fact, I am deeply offended by such a thought. This is very serious subject matter and, as noted above, hit close to home. And to be fair, Disney's Stepmother already looked like Bea Arthur.

The stepsisters, all I'm saying is that they are no prettier than Marge, not that everybody looks like TV's Maude.   Maybe I could have just called them all ugly, but "Bea Arthur ugly" is a specific type of ugly.

"weak?" But she's the main character.

Quoted Text Her "rat friends"?  HUH?

rat /rat/ n. a rodent that resembles a large mouse, typically having a pointed snout and a long, sparsely haired tail. Some kinds have become cosmopolitan and are sometimes responsible for transmitting diseases.

friend /frend/ n. a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

Quoted Text Not sure what the "FANTASY" means in the Slug.  Are you trying to say this is happening in Cindy's head only?

Bingo.  

Quoted Text Page 2 - What is "BACK" in the Slug here?  WTF?

I shouldn't have to answer this question.  "BACK" means the back of the house. I thought most people would get this.  

SUPERS. You're the only person I've ever heard this from. I've read at least one tip that SUPERS go in quotes.   Different strokes, I guess.

Ella is Cinderella before Marge changed her name and made a slave out of her. This is reflected in last year's live action Disney remake.

Quoted Text What does "PTSD FANTASIES" mean?  WTF?

See above.

Quoted Text Looks like this is following tyhe original extremely closely and that's a big mistake.

Again, see above.

@StevenClark "Fornicate yourself," I agree is kinda funny, but it's meant to be threatening/rebellious. I wanted period-accurate swearing. "Fuck you" would have sounded too anachronistic for my tastes, Johnnie Cochran joke above notwithstanding.

And, as Jeff above, you are wrong about this being a pisser. This is a very serious effort.

@James I'm well aware Ms. Arthur is dead.

I wasn't sure if "Bibidi Bobbidi Boo" was from the original fairy tale or if Disney invented those magic words. Still, I wanted to take the piss out of Disney.

I put the cat and rats into the story because Disney did. The thing about the cat being the father; I wrote it as a gotcha because you probably thought Cindy had killed Caesar. Hell, one of the rats is named Brutus, and that was deliberate.

Quoted Text The majority of the issues occur during the flashbacks and montage. For some reason, you really neglected to set the scenes so that it was clear what's going on. For example, you don't know who is or isn't sitting at the table from the getgo when Ella's parents are murdered. Also, some elements, I don't even think needed to constitute separate parts of a montage, as they all occurred instantaneously.

See above. This was the original opening scenes, but I reworked them as flashbacks.

The slug didn't have a (FANTASY) tag, so one must assume that the fantasy has ended. Maybe I should have been clearer.  

Thank you all for reading it and giving me your honest thoughts.  

There was really a lot of stuff happening in your script. Regarding storytelling aspects, I completely enjoyed it, gave you a consider vote, and can understand why you explain yourself here. Your situation reminds me of one of my foregone OWCs when I thought I had a pretty individual vision, with metaphors, action, and enjoyable depth shooting across the screen, but it simply wasn't received that well and till today I don't get what happened.

However, there was a lot of things going in Cinder Hell. And I generally liked that. Each scene was super vivid and full of new story-beats and changes. I thought I understood everything 100% although I still felt I'd need to read it two or three times again to see clearly what happened as one entire impression. In other words, it was a bit overwhelming and experimental, at least when giving it one shot only.

Have you thought about the character count and production value yet?  It all looked great but then there was the reality check in my head saying blockbuster short what…  In this case a feature script would be the realistically alternative, for sure.

We can exchange about the material when you start to develop things further if you like. I'm definitely interested.