Cinder Hell by Alford Hickok

How far will abused, shell-shocked Cinderella go(re) to live happily ever after? Bloody far.

Short Psychological, Blood and Guts Horror based on Cinderella

Good lord! The theme was horror, not massacre. lol. Anyway, this hinted at all the children in the world who once harbored thoughts of ending the Stepmother/Stepsisters with extreme prejudice, including myself.

In keeping with the original folly of the theme, I'll shoot you points galore, however, outside of this being no more than morbid tale of revenge, the overall plan of those so well deserved of comeuppance was bordering on unimaginative, IMO...

Cinderella: "I hate you, die a gruesome death."

Quite the roster of gruesome visuals! BTW

Not sure how it could be salvaged. Perhaps the Stepsisters could live out the rest of their lives in some absurd form of torment (Fairy Godmother changes them into a hemorrhoid cream applicator) or, y'know... simply because Cinderella experienced a lifetime of eating shit from them.

Best of luck...

Seems like the only working links are on entries that are hard to get through. This is one.

Maybe I'll try again later.

Okay - I tried to post comments...  but it wouldn't upload them ;-(

So to recap... I found this hard to follow and muddled due to scenes having difficult to follow transitions, too many flashbacks and montages.

Some of it felt a little too close to the original story (toe snipping to fit in the shoes) and maybe brought in characters from a different tale (Aurora is from Sleeping Beauty?)... but I did like the idea of fairy-godmother taking revenge.

Anthony

Ok from the log, I think this is going to be a slash-fest(not my favorite).

Wow, in the first sentence you throw three characters at the reader with descriptions like ‘Bea Arhutr’s face’.  I had to google Bea Arthur.  Also as far as appearance, your FADE IN is not spaced properly, nor are your slug lines.

IMO you overused flashbacks. I keep finding myself taken out of the read, whether to google or try to remember who’s who here. The knife slashing the air. It’s confusing to me. I find myself skimming this. I did get through to the end and I was a bit let down. I think I prefer a twist on a tale and this one felt like the tale except mixed him with the slashing and poisoning.

One thing that I did LOVE about this was the fantasy parts. I love it how a character could be serving others and acting nicely while in her head she is thinking of slashing them to bits. Very very good idea there.

Good job.

I liked Cinderella at first very much - she took action in my opinion, asked to go to the ball and such. And the dialog in the first two pages read funny.

I think you could introduce her mice friends later into the story. First time they talk to her - third scene I think.

Then the motages and flashbacks came into play and cluttered the script in my opinion. Cinderella didn't do much, the revenge came from the Godmother. This is an interesting take on the story but I think that Cinderella got overshadowed here.
Maybe you could start with the Godmother then... I don't know. I just think that the main cause of action could stem from Cinderella.

Between the initial fantasy, the PTSD fantasy (you sure ‘fantasy’ is the right word there?), the Flashback and being reminded it's Saturday, I think the beginning of this one is having some structure problems. Maybe not sure where to start?

The bit at the end with the monstrous fairy godmother is inspired, but overall it felt like a lot of the horror elements were tacked on and rushed through. I think trying to fit too much in was the cause of a lot of problems in this case. A longer script would've allowed the backstory and minor plot beats (step-sister’s feet) to play out at a more natural pace.

I also don't think Cinderella’s violent fantasies were ever really capitalized on. I thought she might snap and kill everyone, ruining her chances with the Prince. As it played, it's just an unnecessary character trait. It doesn't really effect or change where the story ultimately went.

Cinder Hell is a great name for a horror script based on a fairy tale.

However, I found this one very confusing and hard to read. There’s a lot of characters, both human and rat, introduced at the start. There’s lots of flashbacks/fantasies/drug trips involving flashing daggers in the air and hands gracing things.

It is a slasher horror for sure and you can see it is based on Cinderella, so it does meet the criteria for the challenge but structurally it needs a lot of work. I think there’s a decent story in there somewhere, it just needs a magic wand and a few re-drafts.

-Mark

Wasn’t a fan of that at all. Too much going on, too many characters. Between the flashbacks montages and fantasies it was hard to follow.

Good title though.

Pass from me.

Not for me I'm afraid.

I just wasn't able to get a foothold with all the jumping to flashbacks and fantasy scenes, it really screwed up the pacing and made the whole thing feel messy. Also, the fairy godmother bit at the end seemed a bit unecessary, almost just adding gore for the sake of adding gore.

Anyway, it wasn't terrible, but it's not on my recommend/consider list.

reading this one b/c i know the source material for once.

nitpick - CinderHELLa seems like a better title if you're going that route... but who cares...

immediate image of Cinderella failing suicide is a good one.

that Fantasy doesn't work at all.  it's underwritten.  just putting (Fantasy) doesn't let you get away with that.

too many damn flashbacks and montages.  it's annoying to read to be completely honest.  you can get away with like one of each in a feature length script, and you've got a bunch in ten pages.  not to mention you keep repeating images.  we get it.

ball went from whenever to midnight very quickly.  the transition to the next day's dinner was abrupt also.  had you chilled with the montages and flashbacks you could have written these scenes better and still met the 10 page max.

hate the fart gag.

ok... no one is gonna like that Johnny Cochran joke, but i do.  i like shit like that.  i'm in the extreme minority though it seems.  people kill me when i attempt stuff like that.

meh, the end felt rushed.

not my favorite.  a good source to attempt making dark, but overall not my favorite.

"Bea Arthur's face" - HA!  Looks like we got ourselves a pisser here, huh?  That's fucking hilarious.

1st passage littered with incorrect punctuation...maybe on purpose?  Actually, the entire passage is bad, it has to be a pisser, right?  First of all, without any other reference, you're using "Bea Arthur's Face" as a description for ugliness.  Then, you intro a 16 and 16 year old and say they are as equally ugly as the 60 year old Bea Arthur faced Marge, and add that they also have "large lips" and warts". Oh man...I'm dying here.  Too funny.

Actually calling your lead character, Cinderella, is rather weak, but let's see when the shenanigans kick back in.

Her "rat friends"?  HUH?

Not sure what the "FANTASY" means in the Slug.  Are you trying to say this is happening in Cindy's head only?  Doesn't work for me.

Page 2 - What is "BACK" in the Slug here?  WTF?

Whatever follows "SUPER:" is what will show on screen, so you want to lose the quote marks.

OK, so now we have a Flashback, but how long ago is this taking place?  Is Marge still 60?  If not, you have to tell us.  Who is "Ella"?

Damn, now a montage?  What does "PTSD FANTASIES" mean?  WTF?

Looks like this is following tyhe original extremely closely and that's a big mistake.

Page 4 is a complete and utter disaster.  WTF is going on here?  These Flashbacks are very poorly done and then you use "DIFFERENT FLASHBACK"?  Really?  Again seems like a pisser, but I now feel this is just very poor writing taking place.

It's too poor for me to continue, sorry to say.

Grades

Challenge Parameters - C- (as you literally followed the Cinderella story almost beat for beat)

Script/Story/Execution - D

First, I wanna say that Cinder Hell is a fancy title

Right, let's get to the point. Just like many reviewers here, I find your script hard to follow as there are way too many things going on and too many flashbacks. I suggest you find a way to give it more culling and tightening. Remember this is a short script, not a feature.

Avoid over-describing characters. Write only traits that contribute to the story or reflect his/her personality. And, try not to introduce too many characters in a short time, it will overwhelm the readers. It is better to incorporate the introductions into the story. Moreover, I believe that a short script won't need that much of characters.

That's all from me. I won't repeat what other reviewers have said. A lot of them got good points, though, I think you should take a note.

Anyway, congratulations for finishing your script. It makes you better than more than half "writers" out there that call themselves screenwriters but never finish anything. Keep writing and good luck!

Best,
Kevin

First off congrats on finishing something and really try not to take all the criticism to heart - take a step back, take it all in and start again - it's all worth it in the end.

As for the script: Wow - only write in flashbacks and montages when it is absolutely imperative to the story (usually only in feature length) and yours are not - they seem to be just repeating unnecessary information that doesn't really lead to anything because Cinderella never really acts on any of them and we get the whole deal with the parents. After thought; are you trying to make Cinderella a psychotic head case? If you are, that doesn't really work here either with the way this turns out; she seems more held together than someone on the edge.

Sticking to the plain Jane Cinderella story doesn't do this justice. It would have been more enjoyable if you dug deeper with Cinderella instead of scratching only the surface with her and turned her into an all out loon who acted upon her thoughts? Or even involved the Fairy Godmother to a greater extent throughout and had her plot her evil ways by using Cinderella to her rise? Just suggestions.

Dialogue here is also very much OTN - needs work.

Hope this helps to some degree.  

Very gruesome. I didn't find myself being scared just disturbed but I guess that's a type of horror. Alot of unnecussary flashbacks, montages and other slug lines I didn't understand. There's a good slasher film in here somewhere. Clean it up and make it flow better and you have something.  

I used to be a fan of the slasher flicks when I was a little kid, but as I got older I just found them boring because the same thing always happened.  I'd have to say the same for this.  It just wasn't for me.

The use of flashbacks was getting distracting, and there were a lot of them.  And I found the story hard to follow.  

If slasher flicks are your thing, then this will do!  It just wasn't for me. With all the distractions in the script, I found it hard to really focus on the story.

Good luck.

Nolan

Like the title.

The script, not so much. So much happening here, making it quite difficult to follow. Then there's gore for the sake of it. The story is lacklustre. Seems like a conventional Cinderella tale with gore that doesn't fit. Didn't find it horrific at all, either.

Glenn.

Regarding the barrage of flashbacks, fantasies, montages.
I agree they're tough to navigate when reading, but I wonder whether they might not be so bad while watching. The viewer doesn't have to deal with all the slug stops and starts. I'm not saying this script would succeed in that regard, but I do give the writer props for thinking it through and trying to make it work.

HOWEVER -- The thinking things through didn't last. It's almost as if the writer wrote the first part, took a break, and returned to finish up in a big rush. The result is a helter-skelter, let's-see-what-happens-next, slash-and-smash bloody mess.

Decent title. Ironic logline?

Wait, is Ella Cinderalla? That's confusing, writer.

In general, far too many characters for my taste. Wow, even more characters appear now…

I admire your fantasy, creativity, and the warm fairytale feeling you capture inside this pretty unique version.  I must say the mass of characters and imaginative scenarios make this read as a short story that belongs into the realm of literature. Lots of imagination here. A bit too much of everything though…

@ coming back here because this really got a deep fairytale atmosphere. It's definitely not a screenplay but the enthusiasm to tackle the true charecteristics of fairytales in the challenge, is astonishing to me in hindsight. There are lot of educational angles as well...

BEGIN FLASHBACK.
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
Aurora drinks the glass of water that kills her.
END FLASHBACK.
BEGIN DIFFERENT FLASHBACK...

That's cracking - never seen that before. Boy there were some flashbacks in this.

Ok, a bit confusing etc but I liked the fact that Cinderella is not perfect and that the anger bursts out and people get their just rewards.

Writer,

If I'm wrong, I'm wrong -- but this has got pisser all over it. No real attempt for this to be cohesive. Reads kinda like, oh what the hell, throw this in there too. Flashbacks, fantasy sequences (and one titled Different Flashback, even!) make for a very muddled, hard to follow read. The Cinderella passes gas, of course! Then "Fornicate yourself! (Kinda funny actually) Eh well, just took the long way of saying this wasn't for me. If it was not meant to be a pisser then I apologize.

Steve

I understand the story, that already rises this script above quite a few scripts I've read here. Cinderella is finally some fairy tale I've heard of before, so it was relatively easy to recognize the original story background here. However, that's about all I can say on the pro side, unfortunately.

The scene alignment and the permanent flashbacks, montages a.s.o. turned me off. Most of them don't contribute to the story in any way either. For example the flashback which shows how Aurora dies. There's nothing interesting in that flashback scene. We know she's dead from the engravement on the tree and the flashback doesn't give us any more necessary info.

Or this one:

BEGIN FLASHBACK.

INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT

JAMES (30, well groomed and rugged), Aurora and Marge enjoy
dinner. Marge has a deceitful smile on her face.

END FLASHBACK.

It's totally pointless.

On page 4 I really begin to struggle, one flashback follows the next one follows a montage. Very weird, very hard to follow and very unnecessary for the story.

After all, it's an interesting take on the story. Write it in screenplay format and it could be something. If I imagine the script as it is as a film, it rather seems to be a frozen image gallery which is why I have to pass here.

Bea Arthur's face... good start

A little overkill on the flashbacks and montages especially for a short.

A full on slasher at the end lol

Not bad I got through it.

It did jump about a little too much for a short but can be cleaned up in a rewrite

I'm sure Bea Arthur would appreciate her namedrop here... on second thought, she, like, actually wouldn't. She's dead. I guess sarcasm need not apply.

Anyway, "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo." Copyrighted AF. I think you might need to scrap it. Even so, why not make up your own magic words?

Moving along...

A decent effort, I suppose. I especially appreciate the mutilation of the stepsister's feet, as that's from the original Bros. Grimm version if I'm not mistaken. Was the cat turning into the father as well? Can't remember. Speaking of which, why indeed does the cat hiss is it is Ella's pops?

The majority of the issues occur during the flashbacks and montage. For some reason, you really neglected to set the scenes so that it was clear what's going on. For example, you don't know who is or isn't sitting at the table from the getgo when Ella's parents are murdered. Also, some elements, I don't even think needed to constitute separate parts of a montage, as they all occurred instantaneously.

I was especially lost during the orange juice sequence. I couldn't tell where the fantasy ended and reality picked up. Pretty sure there should've been a BACK TO SCENE in there somewhere.

More or less a faithful retelling of the original source material as far as I can tell, gory set piece at the end not withstanding. I suppose you could've done more with it, as it didn't leave much of an impression, but I didn't mind it. In any case, the writing could use some tightening up. Congrats of entering.

I can't say I'm not disappointed about the reception/reviews. I know you all have a lot of questions about Cinder Hell, and now that our names and Writer's Choices have been revealed, I guess it's time to defend my script.

Quoted from Canis no more than morbid tale of revenge, the overall plan of those so well deserved of comeuppance was bordering on unimaginative, IMO...

This is a lot more than just a mere "morbid tale of revenge." I largely live the fairy tale I chose for this challenge, so this definitely hits close to home. It's very personal to me.

As for the kills, the genre was horror, so I went all in, lol. Cinder Hell doesn't really qualify as a slasher or splatter film, per se; I see those more as "maniac on the loose" than "you might get wet." Thus, the goal wasn't to create elaborate Friday the 13th-style kills; it was to give the Stepmother and Stepsisters their just deserts. (No, that's not a typo.) And to show Cinderella's struggles with PTSD, abuse, and oppression.

Quoted from Canis Quite the roster of gruesome visuals! BTW

Thank you.

I don't know about turning the stepsisters into Prep H, lol; I tried to stay true to the time period.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Some of it felt a little too close to the original story (toe snipping to fit in the shoes) and maybe brought in characters from a different tale (Aurora is from Sleeping Beauty?)... but I did like the idea of fairy-godmother taking revenge.

IMO, "un-Disneying" the story and reverting back to the roots qualifies as a retelling. Most people only know the sanitized/Disney versions of these fairy tales, just like most people in 1989 only knew the Adam West version of Batman prior to Tim Burton's darker take starring Michael Keaton.

Also, no, it's not the same Aurora.   I was looking for period names and thought Aurora was a nice name; it means "light" or "dawn." Coincidentally, Charles Perrault wrote both stories.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Ok from the log, I think this is going to be a slash-fest(not my favorite).

See above.

Quoted Text I had to google Bea Arthur.

You've never heard of The Golden Girls or Maude?   Or the Star Wars Christmas Special?  

Quoted from Pale Yellow Also as far as appearance, your FADE IN is not spaced properly, nor are your slug lines.

I don't see how that's possible; I use Trelby, so everything should automatically be properly formatted.   Then again, the big fat cursor can be a bit wonky.   I'll look into it.

About the (oft-repeated) flashbacks, everybody, Wikipedia has a great article about Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Quoted from Wikipedia, PTSD Symptoms may include disturbing thoughts, feelings, or dreams related to the events, mental or physical distress to trauma-related cues, attempts to avoid trauma-related cues, alterations in how a person thinks and feels, and increased arousal. In the typical case, the individual with PTSD persistently avoids trauma-related thoughts and emotions, and discussion of the traumatic event, and may even have amnesia of the event. However, the event is commonly relived by the individual through intrusive, recurrent recollections, flashbacks, and nightmares. Quasi-experimental studies have demonstrated a relationship between intrusive thoughts and intentional control responses such that suppression increases the frequency of unwanted intrusive thoughts. These results suggest that suppression of intrusive thoughts may be important in the development and maintenance of PTSD.

I have since thought of a way to streamline the flashbacks and montages that occur one after the other.

Quoted Text BEGIN FLASHBACK MONTAGE. Blah, blah blah END OF FLASHBACK MONTAGE.

I wish I had thought of that sooner. Would've made for a cleaner read. Still doesn't change how it would look on screen.

@khamanna Cinderella does a lot, actually. She gets her revenge just as much as her Fairy Godmother does.

@Eric (and Henry, too) Nothing was tacked on nor rushed through. Everything was labored over from day one to day last.

You're right, though, Eric, I had a lot of story to cram into ten pages. That's why I cut the opening with the Stepmother killing the parents, one year apart, which I introduced in those flashbacks.

Quoted Text A longer script would've allowed the backstory and minor plot beats (step-sister’s feet) to play out at a more natural pace.

I agree wholeheartedly, but I am happy with what I managed. I'm considering expanding this into a feature.

I respectfully disagree; I feel that I capitalized on Cinderella's fantasies. She's suppressing this trauma and anger. She's a ticking time bomb and could go off at any time, and after seeing that she has a way out of her lowly existence, she finally does go off. She does snap, but instead of killing them, she rebels and then storms out.

@Conz I know the ball scenes were short, but I wanted to emphasize the horror. I wrote enough of the ball for Cinderella to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.

The fart, actually, was not a gag. I understand how you'd think that, but. rather it's Cinderella's first act of revenge against her tormentors. She makes it look like an accident, passive aggressive (no pun intended). Things get uglier from there.

I removed the line "If the shoe fits..." but I couldn't being myself to cut the Johnnie Cochran joke, no matter how anachronistic.

The ending was actually the first thing I wrote (Bibbidi! *Splat* Bobbidi! *Sploosh!* Boo! *Splatter*). I added "a dream is a wish..." and the cat being the dad at the last minute.

@Jeff Nope. This most certainly is NOT a pisser. In fact, I am deeply offended by such a thought. This is very serious subject matter and, as noted above, hit close to home. And to be fair, Disney's Stepmother already looked like Bea Arthur.

The stepsisters, all I'm saying is that they are no prettier than Marge, not that everybody looks like TV's Maude.   Maybe I could have just called them all ugly, but "Bea Arthur ugly" is a specific type of ugly.

"weak?" But she's the main character.

Quoted Text Her "rat friends"?  HUH?

rat /rat/ n. a rodent that resembles a large mouse, typically having a pointed snout and a long, sparsely haired tail. Some kinds have become cosmopolitan and are sometimes responsible for transmitting diseases.

friend /frend/ n. a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

Quoted Text Not sure what the "FANTASY" means in the Slug.  Are you trying to say this is happening in Cindy's head only?

Bingo.  

Quoted Text Page 2 - What is "BACK" in the Slug here?  WTF?

I shouldn't have to answer this question.  "BACK" means the back of the house. I thought most people would get this.  

SUPERS. You're the only person I've ever heard this from. I've read at least one tip that SUPERS go in quotes.   Different strokes, I guess.

Ella is Cinderella before Marge changed her name and made a slave out of her. This is reflected in last year's live action Disney remake.

Quoted Text What does "PTSD FANTASIES" mean?  WTF?

See above.

Quoted Text Looks like this is following tyhe original extremely closely and that's a big mistake.

Again, see above.

@StevenClark "Fornicate yourself," I agree is kinda funny, but it's meant to be threatening/rebellious. I wanted period-accurate swearing. "Fuck you" would have sounded too anachronistic for my tastes, Johnnie Cochran joke above notwithstanding.

And, as Jeff above, you are wrong about this being a pisser. This is a very serious effort.

@James I'm well aware Ms. Arthur is dead.

I wasn't sure if "Bibidi Bobbidi Boo" was from the original fairy tale or if Disney invented those magic words. Still, I wanted to take the piss out of Disney.

I put the cat and rats into the story because Disney did. The thing about the cat being the father; I wrote it as a gotcha because you probably thought Cindy had killed Caesar. Hell, one of the rats is named Brutus, and that was deliberate.

Quoted Text The majority of the issues occur during the flashbacks and montage. For some reason, you really neglected to set the scenes so that it was clear what's going on. For example, you don't know who is or isn't sitting at the table from the getgo when Ella's parents are murdered. Also, some elements, I don't even think needed to constitute separate parts of a montage, as they all occurred instantaneously.

See above. This was the original opening scenes, but I reworked them as flashbacks.

The slug didn't have a (FANTASY) tag, so one must assume that the fantasy has ended. Maybe I should have been clearer.  

Thank you all for reading it and giving me your honest thoughts.  

There was really a lot of stuff happening in your script. Regarding storytelling aspects, I completely enjoyed it, gave you a consider vote, and can understand why you explain yourself here. Your situation reminds me of one of my foregone OWCs when I thought I had a pretty individual vision, with metaphors, action, and enjoyable depth shooting across the screen, but it simply wasn't received that well and till today I don't get what happened.

However, there was a lot of things going in Cinder Hell. And I generally liked that. Each scene was super vivid and full of new story-beats and changes. I thought I understood everything 100% although I still felt I'd need to read it two or three times again to see clearly what happened as one entire impression. In other words, it was a bit overwhelming and experimental, at least when giving it one shot only.

Have you thought about the character count and production value yet?  It all looked great but then there was the reality check in my head saying blockbuster short what…  In this case a feature script would be the realistically alternative, for sure.

We can exchange about the material when you start to develop things further if you like. I'm definitely interested.