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Interesting...and possibly troubling note on the title page, saying that this is based "on several fairy tales". Hmmm...let's see where we go...
Pretty good writing up front, but on Page 2, a classic error in Otto's 1st dialogue - ALWAYS, and I repeat, ALWAYS, set off any name in dialogue with a comma.
Page 4 - Writing is good. I just don't like the asides and unnecessary dialogue, which seems forced much of the time. I'm along for the ride, though.
Page 5 - This is way overwritten and because of that, it loses its power.
The montage...as written...doesn't quite work...but it could...and should.
The ending is a letdown. So is the dialogue, especially from Otto.
Overall, not bad at all, but could have been so much better.
Written well. A very strange mix, most parts I liked, some I didn't. I guess my biggest gripe was the endless chatter towards the end, definitely takes a toll on the reader. I would've liked a little more complexity within the characters and story -- but I might be alone on that. Not a bad effort at all, but I'm not entirely sure whether it meets the guidelines for horror. Nice work.
This started off well and the writing was good, I was just waiting for the horror element and it didn't come. It read a lot more like a Thriller than a Horror.
I'm going to say that, out of the roughly 36 scripts in this contest, this one is probably my favourite. I like the idea of adapting fairy tales of "The Blue Light" story type to modern-day Vegas. The descriptions are evocative, and the twists are very interesting. I think this fits the Halloween theme (it's a dark and gory tale involving the supernatural) and I enjoyed it a lot...
One of the better scripts of the challenge. I concur with all the previous comments, good premise, but way overwritten. Cutting the dialog by a third would speed things along, and I would take more time with the climax, which seems rushed, and lack any sense of thrills.
I can't make my mind up on this one. Didn’t love it, didn’t hate it. It’s relatively well written and the story is okay. I think it’s just a personal preference kind of thing that I didn’t totally enjoy the story.
I also didn’t think there was much, if any, horror in this one.
A charming tale, not really a horror by any stretch of the imagination but a good beginning, middle and end. Also well written and easy to follow.
What let's this down for me is it is mostly exposition. The dwarf spends most of his dialogue explaining things and this gets tedious after a while so a pass for me but a decent effort.
-Mark
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No real horror but a nice thriller. Fun and intersting. Easy to read. I felt engaged the whole time and wouldn't mind seeing this turned into a feature length script.
Not sure what to make of this one, didn't feel like a horror to me but it was a decent story nonetheless. May give this one a consider as it was written well and flowed nice enough. I could see this being extended longer, I would like to see Otto's reaction to things not goin to plan, perhaps Doyle takes a bit longer to return causing Otto to be nearer to death than he expected.
I couldn't see much horror in this. I think with a story like this to work as a horror, you need more. When I say more, I just mean if it was a longer story and there was more suspense built in, I thought it would have been better. However, that's a personal opinion. With the parameters of the challenge, it's hard to do that.
I found Otto's dialogue to be cringe worthy at times.
Interesting idea. I've never heard of the story it was based off of.
I’m not positive but if you are showing us the Las Vegas sign in the first description, I do not think that you need the SUPER. I know this is tiny but I really hate not seeing FADE IN unless you are doing something creative with your opening.
I wasn’t really into this at first, but the writing gets better and better. The dialogue is quite good and I love the characters.
Good job with the blackjack action lines. Must be a card player here.
Overall this ended up being one of my favs of the challenge I think.
You used every line of given space, which is a bad sign to ME that usually shows you have problems to realize your concept as a whole and refuse to take decisions that serve the premise, but rather adhere to your words and most of the ideas to the last possible breath. It's a proven perception of me that I share with writers who do so and may like to reflect on that perspective for once.
Good title.
First scene is a qualified, interesting opening. You may cut some of the dialogues later but for now the situation of a dwarf helping a gambling ex-army is intriguing.
The writing is quite individual. Not bad but I hope story stands in the foreground.
P5 Casino – Up to here it reads more like a kind of adventure/ thriller script.
There's some atmospheric dark tone though.
"What did you expect from a stoned loser who can see the cards?"
He explains his character here.
At p7 you hang eventually clearly on your dialogues. Characters' dialogues are as long enjoyable until they take the stage completely, get redundant and break the plot and action.
They have far too long conversations. Too many things are explained via dialogue, then the flackback explanation… That isn't live action.
The GREAT live action at the end, that is story. Was it worth to reduce it into the background and prefer those massive chunks of talk?
The premise and dramatic situation was so strong. I just couldn't enjoy how you used it.
It had some moments but with regards to your noticeably huge potential as a writer, which you haven't played off imo, I'm puzzled as to where this went. IMO It's still okay, it's still solid. The premise and some features are intriguing for sure, it just wasn't the basic kind of execution I could have gone with...