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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  The Boy and the Wolves: A Reimagining - OWC
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  Author    The Boy and the Wolves: A Reimagining - OWC  (currently 2668 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Boy and the Wolves: A Reimagining by Andrew Lang

A retelling of the classic fairy tale of broken promises, family loyalties...and wolves.

Short Action Horror based on The Boy and the Wolves


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 3:48am Report to Moderator
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Interesting attempt. A mix of present day and past. Not sure that entirely worked it for me, but a fair effort.

The lack of pages probably didn't help as the past version felt compressed. Also I felt unsure of the dad telling a 17 year old a fairytale, especially when in a rage. I kind of jumped out of the story at that point.

Not sure about the fade out, fade in towards the end. I suppose you can do that but you could just use a normal slug with present day in it...

I appreciate the research and effort here I'm just not convinced on the way it was conveyed.

Not bad though.


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RaphaelH
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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I thought that this was a well-written script. The descriptions are very evocative, and I like the idea of using fairy tales from the past to provide lessons for the present. However, I'm not comfortable with the high levels of gore at the end (But that's just my personal opinion -others who are more into horror will be more positive).

I have just read the story upon which this is based. I can see why it got adapted into not one, but two stories in this contest. It's got creepy imagery and a brutal cautionary message (Look after your family, or you'll lose them...). This is the best of the two adaptations, but I wonder if the ending of this version replaced the tragedy of the source material (Where the boy turns into a wolf, but doesn't kill the older brother who abandoned him) with too much blood and guts...
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Warren
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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I found this a bit of a struggle to get through. Itís written well enough but I just couldnít get into it.

It's a pass from me.


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Angry Bear
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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I think I know who wrote this one. It's better than most other OWCs I've read of yours, if you are who I think. Well written, but falls apart a bit at the end. That is something common with most of these OWC scripts though. I agree that it felt really strange to have Dad yelling and being mad and deciding to sit down and tell a fairytale. I'm sure you can come up with a smoother/better transition into that tale.

The best one I've read so far, but I've only read five or so.  


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RJ
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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This was just ok for me, not loving it, not hating it. I agree with the others about Dad and Matt at the start. I liked the ending, but hated the fade in & fade out at the end - I thought you could have cut a bit from the middle maybe to make it fit without having to do that.

All in all, I liked the way this flowed and felt like it had soul, but does still need some work.
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AlsoBen
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 4:15am Report to Moderator
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This worked well, I liked mixing the old and the new. However, introducing the fairy tale element could be more natural. Dad naturally segues into the story rather than just "I'm going to tell you a fairytale", perhaps?

"Gerda's stomach protrudes and is very tight." -- could be eaiser just to say "Gerda is heavily pregnant" or whatever.

The ending is horrifying and works well, very shocking. Enjoyed this.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Not a very creative title.  Not a very "telling" logine.  The 2nd of this fairy tale...and the 1st was pretty dreadful.  Let's see where this one takes us...

Writing is good out of the gate.  Things are implied, nothing shown yet...Hmmm...

Page 2/3 - OK, now we go into the actual retelling.  Let's see where things go...

Asmund/Bergren - interesting names and identical ages to Matt and Jimmy.  I wonder...

Page 3 - and we have the dreaded VO.

Page 4 - The horror begins - pretty well done.

Time appears to be passing without our knowledge...but I guess we are aware, based on the dialogue.

"cacophony" - Haven't seen that word very often...but I actually like it.

Gotta love this Gerda chick - "fuck your lil bro, let's go to the lake?  

Page 7 - And we have nudity...followed by buttass complete nudity!

A second "cacophony".

Good gore, more nudity, and now a nude prego Gerda?  Damn...

As I assumed, what comes around, goes around and the fairy tale told comes true in real life.

Good effort.  I like it.

Grades

Challenge parameters - A-

Script/Story/Execution - B+



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khamanna
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 4:07am Report to Moderator
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I like the original tale and liked the twist at the end

Not sure about two stories in one - think you should omit the first Dad and Mat and Mat's brother entirely as you don't return to them at the end of the script.

Mat doesn't sound as a 17 year old. He cries, then Dad tells him a long long story... if he was below 10 then maybe.

The second story - I had a problem with the dialog. "I'm a woman now" - or something like that. Even for that time doesn't ring true.

But I could appreciate the twist at the end.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 3:31am Report to Moderator
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The Boy and the Wolves boldly attempts to tell two tales in one OWC. I do applaud this. However for me this meant the modern day aspect suffers, it feels unnatural and rushed. I didn't buy it that the father would be furious one minute and then suddenly decide to tell his 17 year old son a fairly tale. This is the type of thing a father would do to a much younger child. As it was, this took me out of the story.

The fairy tale itself was strong but then again, this is simply a retelling of the original fairy tale with some minor alterations. It was well written though and I found myself immersed in each scene.

The ending didn't work for me, it felt rushed and predictable.

I would suggest starting straight away with the father telling the fairy tale to a younger boy and the audience not knowing why at this point. This would not only get into the meat (pun intended) of the story quicker but leave you room at the end to reveal why and maybe come up with a different, more shocking ending.

So a pass for me but there's potential in this for sure.

-Mark


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Cam Gray
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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There's something in this one. The visuals are really strong for me, and the story flowed well, whilst also negotiating the difference between the present and stale with clarity. Overall I'd say it's well written, and a good attempt.

Whilst it's good, it's unfortunately not as strong or creative as a few others I've read, but it's a consider for me.


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Nolan
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this.  I was reminded of The Princess Bride with the grandfather reading the story.  At first I wasn't convinced that it was going to work.  But as I read on I actually enjoyed the voiceover from the father.  

I didn't even think about the fact Dad was so angry and then sits down and calmly tells the story.  I guess in real life that probably wouldn't happen, but who knows.  People are strange.  

When you come back to present day, I kind of knew where it was going, but still enjoyed the ending nonetheless.

Good job on this one.  

Nolan
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nawazm11
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 5:17am Report to Moderator
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Did he come up to scold his son and tell him a story whilst his other son is shivering away with (presumably) rabies? Rough start, but you've already gotten the talk from the other folk.

Page 7: "You like?" Gave me quite a giggle.

I know it's a fairy tale but...I just can't latch onto the logic. The power of women is used as the excuse that he never visited his brother, but that seems like such a far cry from the actual lesson that's supposed to be taking place. Yeah, it's similar -- but hardly, I guess you establish that the older brother realises that, but it takes away genuineness from the story. Not only that, the story leads itself to the expected ending from start to finish (bar the final image, which I liked), which is a problem because the reader's already ahead of the script. A bit too simple for my tastes, but hey, nice to see you have a few fans.
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StevenClark
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Liked this a bunch. Well written, easy to follow. Perhaps a little predictable, but not so it ruined the story. If anything, this was too by the numbers. But you hit the right buttons, and produced a very readable tale. A consider. Good job!

Steve


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MarkItZero
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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It's well written for the most part. I just don't see the point of two separate story lines. You open with this kid getting scolded, there's believable characters, lots of good emotion... then it all comes to a grinding halt when dad starts telling a fairly tale.

One minute they're having a real, normal conversation about responsibility. Then dad is launching into stuff about Scandinavia in the 1800's. The only way these two stories really intertwine is the past story explains the kid turning into a wolf. Eight pages to explain that people getting bit can become wolves. We already know the lore. From line one of the first page of the script we all know this kid might get turned into a werewolf.

How else does this ridiculously long fairy tale contribute meaning to the present day story? The dad says on page 2 leaving your brother is bad. We got that. Then it's just eight pages of reinforcing "don't leave your brother", which has already been discussed and resolved on page 2.  

For that matter, what does the present day story-line contribute to the fairy tale? I would get the same emotional impact out of the Scandinavia story if you just opened on that with no present day hospital stuff.

How to make more of a connection? I'm not really sure. Maybe if the father's story illuminates some way to save the brother. Then there's actually a struggle at the end to return Jimmy to human form.


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