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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  The Boy and the Wolves: A Reimagining - OWC
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  Author    The Boy and the Wolves: A Reimagining - OWC  (currently 4031 views)
EWall433
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Not sure why the parents aren't taking their son to the hospital for his rabies shot. Especially since they'd have a police escort.

So this script seems to have two antagonists, blood thirsty wolves and… women. Hmm. I'm having some trouble with the second one. Particularly the part where Asmund just plum forgets about his brother for nine months due to the power of poontang. At the very least he'd remember in the five minutes directly succeeding sex. Unless she herself is a supernatural creature, working in concert with the wolves to cloud Asmund’s mind, I'm just not buying it. Maybe Asmund’s just an ass?

“Hey Bud, you feeling OK?  We need to get you over to the hospital still.”

Sure you don't have time for one more story?

Overall this seemed a bit too straightforward of a retelling, with a bit of werewolf lore tacked on to the end. That twist didn't really do it for me. If you had Jimmy attack Dad and spun this into a tale about the dangers of telling stories when you're supposed to be taking your kid to the hospital, I would've given it higher marks.
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leitskev
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is fine, good actually.

The story has many problems. Let's look at a few.

1) the story within a story. That's a technique that is really not well-suited for a 10 page short. And here it really didn't add anything except maybe helping with the horror requirement.
2) the characters were not created in a way that made us care what happened to them. That's the most common problem in OWCs generally. Part of the problem here stems from the story within the story, so we don't really have a character to hang our hat on.
3) the wolves here are unfamiliar monsters. They appear to be regular wolves, but then it turns out they are some kind of werewolves. Or maybe vampire wolves? I mean they dont act like werewolves
4) the character's behavior is unusual. When the wolves for some reason, apparently hoping to lure the biy out, don't finish eating their kill, the hungry boy comes out with a knife. Meanwhile, the older brother acts like he completely forgot him, for days and days. That's weird. Then the girl says we'll check on him after the baby is born. I mean none of this really makes sense to me.

So...the writing: good work!

The story: these OWCs are really tough to make work. Hard to make us care about characters in 10 pages. Hard to make complicated things believable. This one needs a lot of rethinking to work.

Revision History (1 edits)
leitskev  -  October 22nd, 2016, 3:44am
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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The Boy and the Wolves: A Reimagining
Notes:
Ah, the tale within the tale!  At first, I didn't think you were going to get the tale correct by having the father killed, but you did convey the fairy tale well and wrapped it up nicely.  There was enough gore for the horror element and it the story was told well.  If I’m going to nit-pick, I would say that when PA was speaking you should have more contractions because it doesn’t sound natural as written.  Once the inner tale was done, it took me a minute to realize who the original players were.  I guess you had me engrossed in the inner tale so much and I’m tired.  Overall, I think the scene descriptions were good and dialog mostly believable.  On rewrite, maybe really go for more 1800s specific word choices in the dialog and the very end could be a little more clear about what was about to happen.  Good job.

Met Challenge?: Yes
Horror: Yes, plenty of blood and guts.
Overall: Recommend


My Scripts:
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Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
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Equinox
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 5:27am Report to Moderator
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Thw writing is okay. Looks like wolves turn into the new zombies for this OWC. What didn't work for me is the setup. Writing a script for a film where one character tells another one a fairy tale seems quite the cheapest way to fit the OWC parameters. And I guess it would be kind of boring to watch. Also seemed quite unbelievable Matt's young brother is lost and the first thing that comes to Dad's mind is to tell Matt a fairy tale. Wouldn't he want to search for the little brother instead?

All in all it's a valid effort but it didn't quite work for me.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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I liked parts of this, but felt it didn't all hang together entirely, I think it was the Dad trying to connect the old tale to his sons predicament - just felt a little forced.

However it was certainly well written and the pacing was good too.

The ending needs some work imho, felt too quick and not sure it was convincingly set up.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Not an overly intriguing title, I'd prefer an ordinary logline

You used every line of given space. To me, a bad sign in case that you probably got problems to identify your concept as a whole, hang on too many ideas and words.

In your slugs, you constantly refuse to use the standard time references DAY or NIGHT.

As is I fear the script is too cgi heavy. The transformation of Bergren went all too fast. It wasn't delivered so well imo. Not a bad story but it's too much of everything for me. Still, a solid entry I think.



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RichardR
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one was not for me.  Pedantic and predictable it was a struggle to read.  

Best
Richard
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Exceptionally written! One of the best scripts I've read this time around.

Plenty of horror, story, soul, and gore. These characters felt like flesh-and-blood, three-dimensional people.

The feral brother reminded me of the kid from The Road Warrior, and Newt from Aliens.

Highly recommended. A+


FADE IN:
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Stumpzian
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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I'd say the writer succeeds wonderfully with what he or she set out to do. That is, tell the old tale within a modern-day framework in 10 pages. I don't see the need to change, cut, or redo. The writing is assured -- and authentic. For example, Dad's reprimand of Matt at the beginning rings very true.

Recommend.



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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 28th, 2016, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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Well written.

I love how the cop car is pulling away in the opening. Always sense something has happened when  you see a cop car pulling away from a house.

What? You waited until page 8 to show us some tits? LOL Someone recently viewed a film Pia and I did and they said one thing the one thing that was wrong...no naked ladies! No boobs. So good job at least you had some in your story!

One thing I'm thinking is that instead of killing wild animals ...you could've made it more personal and had the wolves killing the farm animals belonging to the family maybe.

Ack pregnant belly ripping.

NICE ending. Great twist. Love it.

One of my favorites. Not much to complain about here.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this piece was inventive and clever, although Dad's use of language near the end ("apologize before he eats your scrawny ass") seeed a bit off. I thought there should have been a slight ore restraint. I' also not a big fan of VOs and I' not sure why we need to know the last names of the present day characters (other than the wolf connection). Other than that, good job....althoughI also agree that this deserves a few more pages.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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My thanks to all who read and commented.

Just a little info, for those, if any, who care.

I took the nature of the challenge to "retell", "re-imagine", or "twist up" a fairy tale, spin it into the horror genre (whether or not it was "horrific" in nature to begin with), and do so with some kind of message/moral/meaning.

All fairy tales, no matter how wild, whacky, or downright redonkulous, have a message.  The message I took from this fairy tale was one of taking care of one's family...or sticking together with your family over anything else that may arise...as in the family always comes first.

The actual fairy tale is very different than what I put together and the deaths that are involved are all natural, and in the end, the lesson that is learned is sorrow for not putting one's family members first.

In the original fairy tale, it's hard to imagine or understand why the older brother and then sister would just leave their young brother alone to fend for himself.  But, again, most fairly tales involve such craziness, so I guess I understand that the "plots" are not what's important, just the lesson they try to teach.

So, for my version, I decided to give a reasonable reason why Asmund would leave his brother in the first place - to get help/find their father.  Once back in the village, i decided to weave in another moral - the power of hot, buxom women over weak, horny guys.     Same thing in the current timeline story, but to a much lesser degree, because this was the story that was actually taking place, while the fairy tale was simply a retelling from Dad to Matt, to try and get a point across, and retellings tend to change with each "retelling".

So, I threw in what I believe all horror requires - blood, guts, boobs, and sex...oh...and a shitload of killing.

A few things some may not have caught or understood....

The last name of the family in the present time period, "Fenrir", is of Scandinavian descent, and has to do with wolves.

Although it's not shown or made crystal clear, what happened before the script starts, is that Matt took his younger brother, Jimmy to lake for the day.  He ended up meeting a girl there and left Jimmy on his own.  Jimmy was then bitten by a wolf and the police took him home.  Matt came home soon after, not knowing where his brother even was, so of course, the parents were pissed.

Minnesota and Wisconsin have very high Scandinavian populations - as in Scandos settled in these areas back in the day.

The present and and past story take place in the same exact area - Duluth, MN.  The lake that Matt takes Jimmy to is the same lake that Asmund and Gerda like to have sex in and around - Wild Rice Lake, which of course, is a  real place, in St Louis County, MN, near Duluth.

Rabies is an "urgency", not an "emergency".  There was no super rush to get Jimmy to a doctor or hospital, but understand that only several minutes went by in reality, when Dad told Matt the story.

The wrap up to the current story happens quickly, and some thought too quickly.  If I had an extra page, I would have played things out a bit more, but in reality, I was pretty happy with the pace, including the final page...which leads to 1 final thought.

We end downstairs with a scream from upstairs, but it's not clear who screamed or what exactly happened, which is actually how I wanted to end this...in the mind's of the readers.

Thanks again for the feedback.
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DanC
Posted: November 13th, 2016, 2:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff,
    
I read this and am gonna be slightly tough on you, mostly because you and I are friends and you're a good writer.

1.  Story within a story with a 10-page limit??  WTF dude.  That's really hard.  The hardest part is that you skimp out on us caring about any of the characters in either story.

2.  You commit one of those writing sins that exists in creative writing in general and I'm pretty sure it will be true for screenwriting as well.  Saying something like "it was his greatest fear" and then not really go into those fears leaves it open for us to try to figure out.

You say in this one something to the effect of "and the horrors he will be subjected so" and even though you go into a few of them, you should really give us more.  Again, page limit.  I know you have the father saying "you wouldn't know the horrors" but, it doesn't really work.

Also, I thought you didn't care for unfilmables.  Wouldn't that sentence be one?  

Just a pet peeve of mine, but, the wolf takes months to infiltrate the boy's soul.  Yet, in the modern take on the story, it's what?  Hours?  

Again, it was good, lots of gore and sex and whatnot, but, you took chances that didn't pan out, mostly due to the page limit.  Now, let this be 30 or 40 pages and you might have something.

Good job.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 14th, 2016, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
I read this and am gonna be slightly tough on you, mostly because you and I are friends and you're a good writer.


Thanks for reading and commenting, Dan.  We all missed you this last OWC.  Hope you're doing OK.  I appreciate honest feedback, so being tough on me is welcome.  


Quoted from DanC
1.  Story within a story with a 10-page limit??  WTF dude.  That's really hard.  The hardest part is that you skimp out on us caring about any of the characters in either story.


Really hard?  I disagree, actually.  Yes, technically speaking, it is a story within a story, but here, it's a little different, because the father is merely telling his son a story (which of course is the meat of the script).  The "real time story" is a bookending the fairy tale being told, and bringing some reality into the tale...because it appears to be really happening.

Not sure why you don't care about any of the characters.  There's emotion and feeling in both tales, and although you may think you know what's gong to happen, that shouldn't make you not care for any of the characters.


Quoted from DanC
2.  You commit one of those writing sins that exists in creative writing in general and I'm pretty sure it will be true for screenwriting as well.  Saying something like "it was his greatest fear" and then not really go into those fears leaves it open for us to try to figure out.

You say in this one something to the effect of "and the horrors he will be subjected so" and even though you go into a few of them, you should really give us more.  Again, page limit.  I know you have the father saying "you wouldn't know the horrors" but, it doesn't really work.


Keep in mind, you're referring to a V.O. as Dad retells the fairy tale.  Here,  the V.O. is merely "reminding you" that you're watching the story, as it's being told.


Quoted from DanC
Also, I thought you didn't care for unfilmables.  Wouldn't that sentence be one?  


No, because, again, this is dialogue...in this case, a V.O. accompanying a tale being told.  Characters can say anything they want, in any way they want to say it, including using incorrect verbiage, structure, etc.  In fact, in reality, very few peeps use perfect English when speaking, or even make sense when they speak and in what they say.


Quoted from DanC
Just a pet peeve of mine, but, the wolf takes months to infiltrate the boy's soul.  Yet, in the modern take on the story, it's what?  Hours?


A couple things here - Remember, the main body of this script is a retelling of a fairy tale.  The original source material of this fairy tale, like most fairy tales, is rather goofy, completely unbelievable, as written.  I hanged many things in mine, but again, as written, this is Dad retelling the tale to his son, so he can make any changes he wants to it.

In the fairy tale, the boy "joins" the wolves out of necessity to survive.  Yes, he is nipped by the Alpha, but you wouldn't say he is attacked in any way.

In bookended piece, the boy is attacked, although we do not see it happening, nor do we see him "change" in the end...we simply hear a scream, and e don't even know who's scream it is, or what happens from there.


Quoted from DanC
Again, it was good, lots of gore and sex and whatnot, but, you took chances that didn't pan out, mostly due to the page limit.  Now, let this be 30 or 40 pages and you might have something.

Good job.

Dan


Glad you liked parts of it.

I would never push this anywhere near 30 pages.  If I had a 12 page limit, like we used to, I think this would probably have been 11 pages long.  As I said in an earlier post, I really wouldn't make too many changes in terms of length, but possibly about an extra page would give a little more breathing room.

Thanks, bro.  Take care and let me know if you want me to look at anything you're working on.

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DanC
Posted: November 14th, 2016, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff,
     I actually look at the story a bit differently, I guess.  It's funny, but, I got a mystical connection between the wolf and the boy.

I don't know how familiar you are with the Wendigo story, but, I kinda gave it the same vibe.  

The alpha wolf "infected" the boy and turned him feral, much like the Wendigo infects the person who eats human flesh, turning them feral.  

So, to me, the transformation for the story while the brother was away with the girl was a feral transference that totally consumed the child's soul.  As opposed to the one time encounter of the "story of today" was.

As to why I didn't care about anyone's life.  I will say this.  We all knew how the flashback was gonna end.  So, it was "destiny" so to speak.  We didn't get to spend any time watching the child suffer.

Where was the child shivering during the cold nights?  Or how about him starving while his brother was "fucking" away his life.  We didn't get to see any suffering in contrast to the older brother enjoying the benefits of being a man.

Where you saw goofy, I saw the time old adage of actions have consequences.  The older brother went away and got distracted by a woman, the sort of thing that his father feared would happen, and it did.  So, it was destined to happen.  And how many people have let their lives get away from them for something that they loved at the time?  I know I did...

So, perhaps if we saw any suffering at all in contrast to the older brother being enchanted then we might care.  OR if we saw the older brother not being enchanted, but, just being a selfish jerk while his younger brother was suffering, then we'd care.  

Thanks for the kind words.  I don't know how to sign up for the newsletter.  I hope to find out...

I have had major issues with my back, and the move was hard, and I went to Vegas for my bday.  So, I've been pushing it.

I thought I sent you a story to look at.  I know I've had issues with your email saying it's full.  Perhaps you never got the story I sent.

I'm in the middle of some much-needed rewrites so, as soon as I get something done, I will get it posted.  

2017 is the year that I hope to try to sell something.  I've been writing and honing the craft.  I think this year is the year to try.  

Talk to u later.
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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