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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  The Boy and the Wolves: A Reimagining - OWC
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  Author    The Boy and the Wolves: A Reimagining - OWC  (currently 4038 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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The Boy and the Wolves: A Reimagining by Andrew Lang

A retelling of the classic fairy tale of broken promises, family loyalties...and wolves.

Short Action Horror based on The Boy and the Wolves


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 3:48am Report to Moderator
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Interesting attempt. A mix of present day and past. Not sure that entirely worked it for me, but a fair effort.

The lack of pages probably didn't help as the past version felt compressed. Also I felt unsure of the dad telling a 17 year old a fairytale, especially when in a rage. I kind of jumped out of the story at that point.

Not sure about the fade out, fade in towards the end. I suppose you can do that but you could just use a normal slug with present day in it...

I appreciate the research and effort here I'm just not convinced on the way it was conveyed.

Not bad though.


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RaphaelH
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I thought that this was a well-written script. The descriptions are very evocative, and I like the idea of using fairy tales from the past to provide lessons for the present. However, I'm not comfortable with the high levels of gore at the end (But that's just my personal opinion -others who are more into horror will be more positive).

I have just read the story upon which this is based. I can see why it got adapted into not one, but two stories in this contest. It's got creepy imagery and a brutal cautionary message (Look after your family, or you'll lose them...). This is the best of the two adaptations, but I wonder if the ending of this version replaced the tragedy of the source material (Where the boy turns into a wolf, but doesn't kill the older brother who abandoned him) with too much blood and guts...
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Warren
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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I found this a bit of a struggle to get through. It’s written well enough but I just couldn’t get into it.

It's a pass from me.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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I think I know who wrote this one. It's better than most other OWCs I've read of yours, if you are who I think. Well written, but falls apart a bit at the end. That is something common with most of these OWC scripts though. I agree that it felt really strange to have Dad yelling and being mad and deciding to sit down and tell a fairytale. I'm sure you can come up with a smoother/better transition into that tale.

The best one I've read so far, but I've only read five or so.  


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RJ
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This was just ok for me, not loving it, not hating it. I agree with the others about Dad and Matt at the start. I liked the ending, but hated the fade in & fade out at the end - I thought you could have cut a bit from the middle maybe to make it fit without having to do that.

All in all, I liked the way this flowed and felt like it had soul, but does still need some work.
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AlsoBen
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This worked well, I liked mixing the old and the new. However, introducing the fairy tale element could be more natural. Dad naturally segues into the story rather than just "I'm going to tell you a fairytale", perhaps?

"Gerda's stomach protrudes and is very tight." -- could be eaiser just to say "Gerda is heavily pregnant" or whatever.

The ending is horrifying and works well, very shocking. Enjoyed this.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Not a very creative title.  Not a very "telling" logine.  The 2nd of this fairy tale...and the 1st was pretty dreadful.  Let's see where this one takes us...

Writing is good out of the gate.  Things are implied, nothing shown yet...Hmmm...

Page 2/3 - OK, now we go into the actual retelling.  Let's see where things go...

Asmund/Bergren - interesting names and identical ages to Matt and Jimmy.  I wonder...

Page 3 - and we have the dreaded VO.

Page 4 - The horror begins - pretty well done.

Time appears to be passing without our knowledge...but I guess we are aware, based on the dialogue.

"cacophony" - Haven't seen that word very often...but I actually like it.

Gotta love this Gerda chick - "fuck your lil bro, let's go to the lake?  

Page 7 - And we have nudity...followed by buttass complete nudity!

A second "cacophony".

Good gore, more nudity, and now a nude prego Gerda?  Damn...

As I assumed, what comes around, goes around and the fairy tale told comes true in real life.

Good effort.  I like it.

Grades

Challenge parameters - A-

Script/Story/Execution - B+

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khamanna
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 4:07am Report to Moderator
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I like the original tale and liked the twist at the end

Not sure about two stories in one - think you should omit the first Dad and Mat and Mat's brother entirely as you don't return to them at the end of the script.

Mat doesn't sound as a 17 year old. He cries, then Dad tells him a long long story... if he was below 10 then maybe.

The second story - I had a problem with the dialog. "I'm a woman now" - or something like that. Even for that time doesn't ring true.

But I could appreciate the twist at the end.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 3:31am Report to Moderator
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The Boy and the Wolves boldly attempts to tell two tales in one OWC. I do applaud this. However for me this meant the modern day aspect suffers, it feels unnatural and rushed. I didn't buy it that the father would be furious one minute and then suddenly decide to tell his 17 year old son a fairly tale. This is the type of thing a father would do to a much younger child. As it was, this took me out of the story.

The fairy tale itself was strong but then again, this is simply a retelling of the original fairy tale with some minor alterations. It was well written though and I found myself immersed in each scene.

The ending didn't work for me, it felt rushed and predictable.

I would suggest starting straight away with the father telling the fairy tale to a younger boy and the audience not knowing why at this point. This would not only get into the meat (pun intended) of the story quicker but leave you room at the end to reveal why and maybe come up with a different, more shocking ending.

So a pass for me but there's potential in this for sure.

-Mark


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Cameron
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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There's something in this one. The visuals are really strong for me, and the story flowed well, whilst also negotiating the difference between the present and stale with clarity. Overall I'd say it's well written, and a good attempt.

Whilst it's good, it's unfortunately not as strong or creative as a few others I've read, but it's a consider for me.
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Nolan
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I enjoyed this.  I was reminded of The Princess Bride with the grandfather reading the story.  At first I wasn't convinced that it was going to work.  But as I read on I actually enjoyed the voiceover from the father.  

I didn't even think about the fact Dad was so angry and then sits down and calmly tells the story.  I guess in real life that probably wouldn't happen, but who knows.  People are strange.  

When you come back to present day, I kind of knew where it was going, but still enjoyed the ending nonetheless.

Good job on this one.  

Nolan
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nawazm11
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 5:17am Report to Moderator
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Did he come up to scold his son and tell him a story whilst his other son is shivering away with (presumably) rabies? Rough start, but you've already gotten the talk from the other folk.

Page 7: "You like?" Gave me quite a giggle.

I know it's a fairy tale but...I just can't latch onto the logic. The power of women is used as the excuse that he never visited his brother, but that seems like such a far cry from the actual lesson that's supposed to be taking place. Yeah, it's similar -- but hardly, I guess you establish that the older brother realises that, but it takes away genuineness from the story. Not only that, the story leads itself to the expected ending from start to finish (bar the final image, which I liked), which is a problem because the reader's already ahead of the script. A bit too simple for my tastes, but hey, nice to see you have a few fans.
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SAC
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Liked this a bunch. Well written, easy to follow. Perhaps a little predictable, but not so it ruined the story. If anything, this was too by the numbers. But you hit the right buttons, and produced a very readable tale. A consider. Good job!

Steve


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MarkItZero
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It's well written for the most part. I just don't see the point of two separate story lines. You open with this kid getting scolded, there's believable characters, lots of good emotion... then it all comes to a grinding halt when dad starts telling a fairly tale.

One minute they're having a real, normal conversation about responsibility. Then dad is launching into stuff about Scandinavia in the 1800's. The only way these two stories really intertwine is the past story explains the kid turning into a wolf. Eight pages to explain that people getting bit can become wolves. We already know the lore. From line one of the first page of the script we all know this kid might get turned into a werewolf.

How else does this ridiculously long fairy tale contribute meaning to the present day story? The dad says on page 2 leaving your brother is bad. We got that. Then it's just eight pages of reinforcing "don't leave your brother", which has already been discussed and resolved on page 2.  

For that matter, what does the present day story-line contribute to the fairy tale? I would get the same emotional impact out of the Scandinavia story if you just opened on that with no present day hospital stuff.

How to make more of a connection? I'm not really sure. Maybe if the father's story illuminates some way to save the brother. Then there's actually a struggle at the end to return Jimmy to human form.


That rug really tied the room together.
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EWall433
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Not sure why the parents aren't taking their son to the hospital for his rabies shot. Especially since they'd have a police escort.

So this script seems to have two antagonists, blood thirsty wolves and… women. Hmm. I'm having some trouble with the second one. Particularly the part where Asmund just plum forgets about his brother for nine months due to the power of poontang. At the very least he'd remember in the five minutes directly succeeding sex. Unless she herself is a supernatural creature, working in concert with the wolves to cloud Asmund’s mind, I'm just not buying it. Maybe Asmund’s just an ass?

“Hey Bud, you feeling OK?  We need to get you over to the hospital still.”

Sure you don't have time for one more story?

Overall this seemed a bit too straightforward of a retelling, with a bit of werewolf lore tacked on to the end. That twist didn't really do it for me. If you had Jimmy attack Dad and spun this into a tale about the dangers of telling stories when you're supposed to be taking your kid to the hospital, I would've given it higher marks.
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leitskev
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is fine, good actually.

The story has many problems. Let's look at a few.

1) the story within a story. That's a technique that is really not well-suited for a 10 page short. And here it really didn't add anything except maybe helping with the horror requirement.
2) the characters were not created in a way that made us care what happened to them. That's the most common problem in OWCs generally. Part of the problem here stems from the story within the story, so we don't really have a character to hang our hat on.
3) the wolves here are unfamiliar monsters. They appear to be regular wolves, but then it turns out they are some kind of werewolves. Or maybe vampire wolves? I mean they dont act like werewolves
4) the character's behavior is unusual. When the wolves for some reason, apparently hoping to lure the biy out, don't finish eating their kill, the hungry boy comes out with a knife. Meanwhile, the older brother acts like he completely forgot him, for days and days. That's weird. Then the girl says we'll check on him after the baby is born. I mean none of this really makes sense to me.

So...the writing: good work!

The story: these OWCs are really tough to make work. Hard to make us care about characters in 10 pages. Hard to make complicated things believable. This one needs a lot of rethinking to work.

Revision History (1 edits)
leitskev  -  October 22nd, 2016, 3:44am
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Jeremiah Johnson
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The Boy and the Wolves: A Reimagining
Notes:
Ah, the tale within the tale!  At first, I didn't think you were going to get the tale correct by having the father killed, but you did convey the fairy tale well and wrapped it up nicely.  There was enough gore for the horror element and it the story was told well.  If I’m going to nit-pick, I would say that when PA was speaking you should have more contractions because it doesn’t sound natural as written.  Once the inner tale was done, it took me a minute to realize who the original players were.  I guess you had me engrossed in the inner tale so much and I’m tired.  Overall, I think the scene descriptions were good and dialog mostly believable.  On rewrite, maybe really go for more 1800s specific word choices in the dialog and the very end could be a little more clear about what was about to happen.  Good job.

Met Challenge?: Yes
Horror: Yes, plenty of blood and guts.
Overall: Recommend


My Scripts:
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Equinox
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 5:27am Report to Moderator
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Thw writing is okay. Looks like wolves turn into the new zombies for this OWC. What didn't work for me is the setup. Writing a script for a film where one character tells another one a fairy tale seems quite the cheapest way to fit the OWC parameters. And I guess it would be kind of boring to watch. Also seemed quite unbelievable Matt's young brother is lost and the first thing that comes to Dad's mind is to tell Matt a fairy tale. Wouldn't he want to search for the little brother instead?

All in all it's a valid effort but it didn't quite work for me.


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AnthonyCawood
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I liked parts of this, but felt it didn't all hang together entirely, I think it was the Dad trying to connect the old tale to his sons predicament - just felt a little forced.

However it was certainly well written and the pacing was good too.

The ending needs some work imho, felt too quick and not sure it was convincingly set up.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Not an overly intriguing title, I'd prefer an ordinary logline

You used every line of given space. To me, a bad sign in case that you probably got problems to identify your concept as a whole, hang on too many ideas and words.

In your slugs, you constantly refuse to use the standard time references DAY or NIGHT.

As is I fear the script is too cgi heavy. The transformation of Bergren went all too fast. It wasn't delivered so well imo. Not a bad story but it's too much of everything for me. Still, a solid entry I think.



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RichardR
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

This one was not for me.  Pedantic and predictable it was a struggle to read.  

Best
Richard
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Exceptionally written! One of the best scripts I've read this time around.

Plenty of horror, story, soul, and gore. These characters felt like flesh-and-blood, three-dimensional people.

The feral brother reminded me of the kid from The Road Warrior, and Newt from Aliens.

Highly recommended. A+


FADE IN:
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Stumpzian
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I'd say the writer succeeds wonderfully with what he or she set out to do. That is, tell the old tale within a modern-day framework in 10 pages. I don't see the need to change, cut, or redo. The writing is assured -- and authentic. For example, Dad's reprimand of Matt at the beginning rings very true.

Recommend.



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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 28th, 2016, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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Well written.

I love how the cop car is pulling away in the opening. Always sense something has happened when  you see a cop car pulling away from a house.

What? You waited until page 8 to show us some tits? LOL Someone recently viewed a film Pia and I did and they said one thing the one thing that was wrong...no naked ladies! No boobs. So good job at least you had some in your story!

One thing I'm thinking is that instead of killing wild animals ...you could've made it more personal and had the wolves killing the farm animals belonging to the family maybe.

Ack pregnant belly ripping.

NICE ending. Great twist. Love it.

One of my favorites. Not much to complain about here.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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I thought this piece was inventive and clever, although Dad's use of language near the end ("apologize before he eats your scrawny ass") seeed a bit off. I thought there should have been a slight ore restraint. I' also not a big fan of VOs and I' not sure why we need to know the last names of the present day characters (other than the wolf connection). Other than that, good job....althoughI also agree that this deserves a few more pages.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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My thanks to all who read and commented.

Just a little info, for those, if any, who care.

I took the nature of the challenge to "retell", "re-imagine", or "twist up" a fairy tale, spin it into the horror genre (whether or not it was "horrific" in nature to begin with), and do so with some kind of message/moral/meaning.

All fairy tales, no matter how wild, whacky, or downright redonkulous, have a message.  The message I took from this fairy tale was one of taking care of one's family...or sticking together with your family over anything else that may arise...as in the family always comes first.

The actual fairy tale is very different than what I put together and the deaths that are involved are all natural, and in the end, the lesson that is learned is sorrow for not putting one's family members first.

In the original fairy tale, it's hard to imagine or understand why the older brother and then sister would just leave their young brother alone to fend for himself.  But, again, most fairly tales involve such craziness, so I guess I understand that the "plots" are not what's important, just the lesson they try to teach.

So, for my version, I decided to give a reasonable reason why Asmund would leave his brother in the first place - to get help/find their father.  Once back in the village, i decided to weave in another moral - the power of hot, buxom women over weak, horny guys.     Same thing in the current timeline story, but to a much lesser degree, because this was the story that was actually taking place, while the fairy tale was simply a retelling from Dad to Matt, to try and get a point across, and retellings tend to change with each "retelling".

So, I threw in what I believe all horror requires - blood, guts, boobs, and sex...oh...and a shitload of killing.

A few things some may not have caught or understood....

The last name of the family in the present time period, "Fenrir", is of Scandinavian descent, and has to do with wolves.

Although it's not shown or made crystal clear, what happened before the script starts, is that Matt took his younger brother, Jimmy to lake for the day.  He ended up meeting a girl there and left Jimmy on his own.  Jimmy was then bitten by a wolf and the police took him home.  Matt came home soon after, not knowing where his brother even was, so of course, the parents were pissed.

Minnesota and Wisconsin have very high Scandinavian populations - as in Scandos settled in these areas back in the day.

The present and and past story take place in the same exact area - Duluth, MN.  The lake that Matt takes Jimmy to is the same lake that Asmund and Gerda like to have sex in and around - Wild Rice Lake, which of course, is a  real place, in St Louis County, MN, near Duluth.

Rabies is an "urgency", not an "emergency".  There was no super rush to get Jimmy to a doctor or hospital, but understand that only several minutes went by in reality, when Dad told Matt the story.

The wrap up to the current story happens quickly, and some thought too quickly.  If I had an extra page, I would have played things out a bit more, but in reality, I was pretty happy with the pace, including the final page...which leads to 1 final thought.

We end downstairs with a scream from upstairs, but it's not clear who screamed or what exactly happened, which is actually how I wanted to end this...in the mind's of the readers.

Thanks again for the feedback.
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DanC
Posted: November 13th, 2016, 2:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff,
    
I read this and am gonna be slightly tough on you, mostly because you and I are friends and you're a good writer.

1.  Story within a story with a 10-page limit??  WTF dude.  That's really hard.  The hardest part is that you skimp out on us caring about any of the characters in either story.

2.  You commit one of those writing sins that exists in creative writing in general and I'm pretty sure it will be true for screenwriting as well.  Saying something like "it was his greatest fear" and then not really go into those fears leaves it open for us to try to figure out.

You say in this one something to the effect of "and the horrors he will be subjected so" and even though you go into a few of them, you should really give us more.  Again, page limit.  I know you have the father saying "you wouldn't know the horrors" but, it doesn't really work.

Also, I thought you didn't care for unfilmables.  Wouldn't that sentence be one?  

Just a pet peeve of mine, but, the wolf takes months to infiltrate the boy's soul.  Yet, in the modern take on the story, it's what?  Hours?  

Again, it was good, lots of gore and sex and whatnot, but, you took chances that didn't pan out, mostly due to the page limit.  Now, let this be 30 or 40 pages and you might have something.

Good job.

Dan


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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 14th, 2016, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
I read this and am gonna be slightly tough on you, mostly because you and I are friends and you're a good writer.


Thanks for reading and commenting, Dan.  We all missed you this last OWC.  Hope you're doing OK.  I appreciate honest feedback, so being tough on me is welcome.  


Quoted from DanC
1.  Story within a story with a 10-page limit??  WTF dude.  That's really hard.  The hardest part is that you skimp out on us caring about any of the characters in either story.


Really hard?  I disagree, actually.  Yes, technically speaking, it is a story within a story, but here, it's a little different, because the father is merely telling his son a story (which of course is the meat of the script).  The "real time story" is a bookending the fairy tale being told, and bringing some reality into the tale...because it appears to be really happening.

Not sure why you don't care about any of the characters.  There's emotion and feeling in both tales, and although you may think you know what's gong to happen, that shouldn't make you not care for any of the characters.


Quoted from DanC
2.  You commit one of those writing sins that exists in creative writing in general and I'm pretty sure it will be true for screenwriting as well.  Saying something like "it was his greatest fear" and then not really go into those fears leaves it open for us to try to figure out.

You say in this one something to the effect of "and the horrors he will be subjected so" and even though you go into a few of them, you should really give us more.  Again, page limit.  I know you have the father saying "you wouldn't know the horrors" but, it doesn't really work.


Keep in mind, you're referring to a V.O. as Dad retells the fairy tale.  Here,  the V.O. is merely "reminding you" that you're watching the story, as it's being told.


Quoted from DanC
Also, I thought you didn't care for unfilmables.  Wouldn't that sentence be one?  


No, because, again, this is dialogue...in this case, a V.O. accompanying a tale being told.  Characters can say anything they want, in any way they want to say it, including using incorrect verbiage, structure, etc.  In fact, in reality, very few peeps use perfect English when speaking, or even make sense when they speak and in what they say.


Quoted from DanC
Just a pet peeve of mine, but, the wolf takes months to infiltrate the boy's soul.  Yet, in the modern take on the story, it's what?  Hours?


A couple things here - Remember, the main body of this script is a retelling of a fairy tale.  The original source material of this fairy tale, like most fairy tales, is rather goofy, completely unbelievable, as written.  I hanged many things in mine, but again, as written, this is Dad retelling the tale to his son, so he can make any changes he wants to it.

In the fairy tale, the boy "joins" the wolves out of necessity to survive.  Yes, he is nipped by the Alpha, but you wouldn't say he is attacked in any way.

In bookended piece, the boy is attacked, although we do not see it happening, nor do we see him "change" in the end...we simply hear a scream, and e don't even know who's scream it is, or what happens from there.


Quoted from DanC
Again, it was good, lots of gore and sex and whatnot, but, you took chances that didn't pan out, mostly due to the page limit.  Now, let this be 30 or 40 pages and you might have something.

Good job.

Dan


Glad you liked parts of it.

I would never push this anywhere near 30 pages.  If I had a 12 page limit, like we used to, I think this would probably have been 11 pages long.  As I said in an earlier post, I really wouldn't make too many changes in terms of length, but possibly about an extra page would give a little more breathing room.

Thanks, bro.  Take care and let me know if you want me to look at anything you're working on.

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DanC
Posted: November 14th, 2016, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Hey Jeff,
     I actually look at the story a bit differently, I guess.  It's funny, but, I got a mystical connection between the wolf and the boy.

I don't know how familiar you are with the Wendigo story, but, I kinda gave it the same vibe.  

The alpha wolf "infected" the boy and turned him feral, much like the Wendigo infects the person who eats human flesh, turning them feral.  

So, to me, the transformation for the story while the brother was away with the girl was a feral transference that totally consumed the child's soul.  As opposed to the one time encounter of the "story of today" was.

As to why I didn't care about anyone's life.  I will say this.  We all knew how the flashback was gonna end.  So, it was "destiny" so to speak.  We didn't get to spend any time watching the child suffer.

Where was the child shivering during the cold nights?  Or how about him starving while his brother was "fucking" away his life.  We didn't get to see any suffering in contrast to the older brother enjoying the benefits of being a man.

Where you saw goofy, I saw the time old adage of actions have consequences.  The older brother went away and got distracted by a woman, the sort of thing that his father feared would happen, and it did.  So, it was destined to happen.  And how many people have let their lives get away from them for something that they loved at the time?  I know I did...

So, perhaps if we saw any suffering at all in contrast to the older brother being enchanted then we might care.  OR if we saw the older brother not being enchanted, but, just being a selfish jerk while his younger brother was suffering, then we'd care.  

Thanks for the kind words.  I don't know how to sign up for the newsletter.  I hope to find out...

I have had major issues with my back, and the move was hard, and I went to Vegas for my bday.  So, I've been pushing it.

I thought I sent you a story to look at.  I know I've had issues with your email saying it's full.  Perhaps you never got the story I sent.

I'm in the middle of some much-needed rewrites so, as soon as I get something done, I will get it posted.  

2017 is the year that I hope to try to sell something.  I've been writing and honing the craft.  I think this year is the year to try.  

Talk to u later.
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 14th, 2016, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Dan, not sure how closely you followed along with this OWC, but the challenge was to retell, re-imagine, twist up a fairy tale with horror, being the genre.

The actual fairy tale, "The Boy and the Wolves" is what I was referring to as being "goofy", and in that original, there was no killing whatsoever, so no one should have known how either story would play out.

In the original, the boy is left alone and does suffer to the point where he basically joins the wolf pack, then sees his brother later on and turns into a wolf and runs away.

I added several twists and had the boy turn into a werewolf, basically, and take revenge on his brother and the entire village.

Best of luck in 2017 with your writing.  I do not recall receiving any E-Mails from you in quite some time...in fact, I think I E-Mailed you a spreadsheet of my CD collection and never heard anything back from you.

If you want something looked at, just shoot it over to me.

Take care, bro!
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James McClung
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Yo man,

Said I'd read this when the names got announced. Totally forgot. I'll apply a mantra of "better late than never."

Anyway, more or less the quality and consistency of style I've come to expect from you. Believe it or not, a good chunk of your scripts have stuck in my mind over the years, even ones I didn't like. This one's a little more straightforward than the others I remember, but most of your tropes are here -- blood and guts, T&A, and clean, concise writing that creates an image without a lot of extra bullshit.

Among other things, I notice you do a lot of this:


Quoted Text
A police car backs out, drives away.



Quoted Text
Mom pulls away, looks over to Jimmy.


That is, drop the "and," keep the action down to one sentence whenever possible, lest you end up with a lot of repetitive "he/she" phrases. I've been doing this a lot as well. I should have a new script up before the year's over. If you happen to hammer me for it, I'll keep in mind that you do the same thing.

Anyway, solid overall. Bergren's transformation was a much appreciated twist, since I so expected him to just be killed by the wolves and you'd end up with another generic cautionary tale. It doesn't seem you can take all the credit for that, but you still built it up in a way I found interesting. I also think feral children/humans is a stellar concept that isn't taken advantage of enough in horror.

Only gripe might be the point of Dad telling Matt the story at all, especially admitting that it's a fairy tale. The kid's seventeen. I mean, it's the exact same situation he and his brother are in, but given his age, how much of an impression can it really make? I think Dad would've been better suited to say the story is true or at least a legend.

I do like the idea behind the bookends (I like bookends in general, really), but it has a weird effect once Dad finishes the story, even though Jimmy turning makes perfect sense dramatically. Dad and Matt seem to have cooled down, as if the act of telling/listening to the story has an inherent purging effect, but again, there doesn't seem to be much of a point, given that Matt's plenty old enough to see through the scare tactic (and presumably Dad would know that as well).

I don't know. Could be grasping at straws here. I was generally satisfied with the script. I'm actually glad I let it sit for a while, since I would've been totally over the gore after reading so many other scripts with the same schtick.

Keep up the good work.


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 21st, 2016, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, James and glad you liked it.

You are absolutely correct about what you quoted, in that I ALWAYS omit the word "and", and just use a comma.  "and" is almost always a wasted word. Whenever you can save a few spaces, do it!  Personally, I also think it speeds up the read in the reader's head, just like using commas as opposed to periods, does as well.

I would never knock anyone for doing this.  Actually, I'll applaud them!

I look forward to your new script.  Hit me up when you're done, bro.

Take care.
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