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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Nightshade - OWC
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  Author    Nightshade - OWC  (currently 2032 views)
MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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This one felt like pisser territory but I enjoyed the read. Some very inventive aspects, like turning the Dwarfs into Seven Deadly Sins via a guest appearance by Jack and his Beanstalk. I do appreciate comedy horrors. Two of my favourite horror films are Shaun of the Dead and American Werewolf in London but even these have serious, tense and horrific moments while Nightshade didn't.  

If this was a parody OWC I'd be scoring this highly, however for this challenge it will have to be a pass.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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irish eyes
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Ahh a Comedy/Horror

I liked your characters, very colorful... especially the happy go lucky Snow White only to turn into Nightshade Zombie style.

A few gory sexual moments added and you had everything but the kitchen sink... I really enjoyed it

great job writer


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nawazm11
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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Page seven has me so incredibly confused. Queen Mary was murdered? Wouldn't the body be rotting away as Snow White's sixteen? Did I miss something? Is some some sneaky shape shifting going on? The unclear writing and the many cheeks don't help the cause.

I appreciate the comedy here but it (the comedy) just didn't work for me, a lot of the jokes fell flat and almost felt tonally off. It's definitely an amusing script, and I think I've got the clue who the writer is, but the script wasn't for me. It's strange, because I do think the story works at its core -- well, actually, but the comedy just wasn't hitting the mark and at times, took away from the script. A nice effort.
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Abe from LA
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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A fun story (in parts) for what it is, but I can see how some are having an adverse reaction. There are a ton of little grammatical issues, so unless that's intentional, you better take notice and clean up your act.
You've plucked a lot of pieces from different stories and think it hurts you in such a short piece. I didn't like the bean stalk part, but the mirror  was cool. Stick with what works, such as the mirror, and play off of that. I do like the Night Shade character. It/She brought memories of the broken, creepy b*tch from the Ring. Overall, not a consider, but an easy read and I was never bored.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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So if the first scene is the conception scene... then it would be 9 months later, a year later makes it a freak of a baby!

I'm conflicted with this, there are bits that were funny and worked well but there were other sections that fell flat to me. Then again, comedy isn't' really my bag, so maybe it's just me!

But it is well writter, paced well and has a lot going for it.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Equinox
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 5:37am Report to Moderator
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Not really a horror script and the funny / satiric tone it takes doesn't make me laugh. It's kind of too flat and expectable. The perversion added on top of it doesn't rescure the mix either. Weird script, all over the top with all the strange twists and turns. I think it might have worked better in a modern setting. And it has a zombie part, which is why I can't vote for this one anyway


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James McClung
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Comedy was not the proper context for this one IMO. It wasn't funny for one thing (I'll get to that), but my main gripe with the subgenre is the fact that the concept (Nightshade and the Seven Deadly Sins) is actually pretty inspired and would've been better suited for a more traditional approach. Unfortunately, I don't think you actually earned the concept in any respect, perhaps the fact that you simply tacked it on at the end being your worst crime.

The dialogue is the biggest issue for me. It seems like you rely too much on profanity to garner laughs instead of actual well-crafted jokes. Coupled with the abundance of sexual gags with no comedic precedents set, the whole thing feels pretty juvenile when it seems like it'd like to be edgy and "adult." Even if the dialogue were funny, there's the issue of it not being consistent in and of itself. Sometimes it comes off as intentionally modern and colloquial, whereas other times, you go with the classic Old English/fairy-tale speak. Pick one and stick with it.

To be fair, this stuff wasn't the basis for all the jokes. There are some sort of classic visual gags, like the mirror shaking his "head." The human ladder in the grave *was* genuinely funny and I did laugh at a few other lines (e.g. "Do I need a second mirror's opinion;" "Even better, I'll help you all get in"). A lot of it just sorta made me groan, though.

Lots of unnecessary scenes too. The opening, for instance. We never see this character again. Why include it?

...ironically, a lot of existing fairy tales have this problem, where characters who begin stories have nothing to do with those who end them. The Brothers Grimm had a lot like this.

Anyway, not for me. Loved the concept, though. Again, would've preferred to have seen a non-comedic version where Nightshade shows up earlier than the last minute. Nevertheless, you did make the deadline, so congrats on entering.


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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 2:32am Report to Moderator
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Okay. Fuck the rules and fuck formatting; this was fucking horror-larious!

Does a lot still need to be done? Yes.
Is it perfect? No.

But this was awesome. Just fix up the commas and change "ONE YEAR LATER" to "NINE MONTHS LATER." Also, the swearing seems anachronistic.

Nevertheless, it may not be the fairest of them all, but I dig it.

Consider. A-/B+


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