I saw some complaints about this one getting panned without real feedback but it's really hard to come up with anything other than "good job taking chances, nice effort".

I can tell you what doesn't work. The characters don't have much personality. The Mad Hatter would normally seem insane because he's rhyming... but they're all rhyming so it blends together without allowing for any distinction among them. The plot is very basic yet still hard to follow. Of course, these things are to be expected considering you have to rhyme every sentence. It's actually a miracle you pulled off anything remotely coherent character and story-wise. Definitely suggests a very high level of skill and great deal of effort applied.

How to improve it? I have no idea. Maybe you shouldn't even try for a traditional story structure. Having an actual plot seems like an exercise in futility. Perhaps you can just have some special arrangement of seemingly random scenes that combined with the poetic descriptions creates some new meaning. Maybe the action descriptions are telling one story and the dialogue another and-- oh dear god, I have no what I'm talking about. What is the Matrix? Ahh! Okay, I give up.

Sorry, this is so out of my depth. I don't even know anything about poetry. It really is an impressive attempt and very creative.

Follow the white rabbit.

I enjoyed the writing.  As you can see, if something is different, people are either going to hate it or love it.  I'd say if you like writing it that way, then keep on doing it.  It made it more enjoyable for me.  

There didn't seem to be any horror to the story.  I think it could have worked better if the Mad Hatter actually was trying to do something to Alice, rather than just being an idiot.

Overall I did enjoy the read.  It was different, and creative, so I can appreciate that.  

Nolan  

I enjoyed the writing and appreciate the sheer effort that went into making all this rhyme. It certainly suited the Alice in Wonderland theme and it also made the script stand out a mile, even if it was not for the usual reasons.

It may be worth entering this into a few competitions, just to see if it catches the the eye of a judge looking for something different.

As it is, the vast majority of the wonderful witty poetry would be lost in translation. Once the novelty wore off (around page 4) I started skimming and breathed a sigh of relief to discover it was only 6 pages.

It may be worth revisiting this and reversing it so the poetry comes across as a VO and you can then focus on the story and characters.

As it is, an A for effort but a pass for me.

-Mark

That must have taken some effort. Well done for something different.

Alas for me it made the read damn hard and story wise, there wasn't a huge amount.

But you know what, we will probably all remember this one.

Aww, man! I had just pinned this on you, Bill; a sequel to "Elevator Most Belonging."

Anyway, the script read fine. Yes, the rhymes would get lost in translation, so I recommend a narrator. I could totally see this done in the style of Pushing Daisies, with Jim Dale narrating.

One of my favorites so far. But you might need to tighten up the horror. A+

So there's obvious talent on display here, but I have to admit the rhyming makes it hard to concentrate on the story. Perhaps if it where only in the dialogue, which makes me realize that the most unique part of your script would translate very awkwardly to film, as the dialogue would spend half its time rhyming and half its time not.

As much as I'd love to give this a consider for the style alone, I have to ask, “Consider for what?” It's pretty much all it can be already.

I'm torn on this one... it's an admirable attempt and certainly different but as it stands it's not a script.

Someone mentioned the idea of a Narrator... that could really work for this and get some of the best rhyming actually into the film itself.

So I think well done for trying, but re-think how it's delivered.

Anthony

Writer,

I enjoyed this. Just the fact this was told in rhyme is creepy enough, and personally, I always found Alice In Wonderland creepy anyway. I'll likely give you a consider for originality. You told a story that was fairly easy to follow, has a moment of horror -- I'd say it meets the requirement. Points lost for: sometimes it seems like you struggled to find a line that rhymes, and there were other times your sentences ran on a tad long and could've easily been shortened. Other than that, for sure, one of the more memorable scripts in this OWC. Very original, good work!

Steve

Props on the rhyming. It was a fun idea, and I can only imagine how much effort it took to put together in a week's time. For the most part, it doesn't detract from the story or the overall clarity. As the script goes on, though, it does cease to flow (in a lyrical sense). Not sure if it's the lack of uniformity or using too many words in one passage and too few the next. Perhaps a mix of both.

As for the plot itself, not much happens at all. I mean, the concept is straightforward enough and has a decent potential for conflict, but it seems like you spend more time setting up the rhyming scheme and faking out the reader by making them think the Hatter's gonna torture Alice or something. I like the idea behind the twist that the Queen is Alice's mother, but the execution is a little rushed and, as a result, clunky. Also, between the Tim Burton flick and American McGee's Alice (the quintessential Alice in Wonderland horror treatment), the plot couldn't have been more obvious. I have to wonder how many times it's been done before.

Still, I suppose these characters are always fun to revisit in just how distinct and memorable they are. Decent enough. Congrats on entering.