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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Left To Die... Any Eye for an Eye - OWC
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  Author    Left To Die... Any Eye for an Eye - OWC  (currently 2356 views)
Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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I liked the fact that the two kids faced multiple obstacles. Abandoned then the mad bone knife wielding nut case. It kept the tension and what would happen next.

Some of the dialogue, e.g. Date rape stuff, chicken nuggets etc ...was highly unlikely and jarred a touch.

The conclusion of them settling  in the cabin seemed fine, get away from the world, but overall it didn't Quite hit the spot for me and needs a polish.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Bad title choice, good logline

Super visual from the start.

The stunt feels complicated.

Okay, I think the ending implies the cabin has become their new home…

I think the story is too laden with stunts, effects, cgi and complicated costumes. I liked the opening pretty much and am not sure if you took the best route from there. Sure it was gruesome. There was a part where you accelerated the narrative too much for my taste. They were well at Berta's place, in the very next scene not so…

Solid entry. I fear things are too complicated to execute them in the end.

@ in general it is a good story. I liked the characters' transformation. At the end, it's as if they both aquired adulthood and are differnt persons now for the rest of their life. Good enjoyable characters. You need a better title writer - it is soooo important.



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SAC
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Had to write, before I've finished the script, that I love the line -- The trees and sky swirl like cream in latte. Love it. May steal it some day.    Although written well in some spots, it's hard for me to say this doesn't work. I really can't explain why, either. I guess it might be because Mother left them alone in the forest to die, but other than Mother's appearance, we really get no explanation or motivation as to why she would do this. And I think this story needs it. As it also needs a reason for why the kids go back and hack her to death. Are they killers now based on their ordeal. I'll buy it. Weak, but I'll buy it. Anyway, pretty good writing on display. A bit choppy here and there, but overall written well. Good job.

Steve


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leitskev
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Any Eye for an Eye

That would be a great title!!
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PedroS
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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A compelling mix between a fairytale and SAW.
Well told story, but way too fast at some points.
But all in all - Thumbs up.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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Opening scene- is it an INT or EXT.? Tough to visualize this because I don't know if I'm in a kitchen or outside on a picnic table.

[quote]
HENRY
Hello Mother.

MOTHER
Oh Henry...

WHACK! An axe splits her face. She stumbles backwards and
falls down dead.
[b]
Gretta[/b
] bends down and jerks the axe from Mother’s face.
[/quote

Oops. Wrong character. Anyway, this seems to have been written a bit too quickly, as characters multi-task actions and emotions, and the logic of using an axe just to cut off a young man's toes (and Henry does not seem to be in much pain) At the most my vibe is "It's horror! There MUST be blood!"  

Not a bad effort though. Not sure about the date rape line however.

]


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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c m hall
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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This was a whirlwind, difficult to read but worth the effort.  The writing is good, the characters are interesting and the story is strange -- but the source material is plenty strange, too -- this new version seems awfully brutal until one remembers that, for all the blood letting, much of the horror is left to the imagination.  The kids' final visit to the mother's house could be filmed in such a way that we see the kids' exertion, fury and relief more than any part of the mother.
The ending is excellent, makes everything seem more vivid.
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