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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  The Angel - OWC
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  Author    The Angel - OWC  (currently 2252 views)
EWall433
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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This one has a little too much mystery in it. It's obtuse to the point where you kinda stop caring what it all means. Now I DID follow it, for the most part. The walk or fall and pick up a flower seemed arbitrary, but I understood the consequences. What I didn't understand at all is why Judith shows up. Who killed her? Mario killed Ravi, Judith killed Mario, but who killed Judith. And why does she have to walk. I can get two young thugs being “tested” like this, but the innocent victim of a violent crime?

There's just no logic to grasp that makes you feel like you know enough to care. We've got a completely mysterious main character in a completely befuddling world. There's nothing to route for, and no way to route for it.
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Gum
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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This one had a surreal, cinematic feel pulled right from the pages of Heavy Metal magazine. I really enjoyed it.

I viewed it as a strange (higher consciousness) device born in the matrix to police wandering souls before their final transfer out of purgatory; either back to the corporeal to right their wrongs, or a move onto the Astral above... a sojourn if you will, that has no other forms within except the accused, and the angelic beings given a limited instruction set to keep the wheels of torment in motion and, after each soul awakens to their criminal mind... pass the torch.

Curiously ... the writing here reminded me of another member from back in the day, and his particular style of writing that I always enjoyed reading for those ethereal, dreamlike sequences, but I'm fairly certain this is a newer writer.

Anyways, the writing here does have some issues, however, your mindset into the world of imagination and how to capture surreal imagery with a few lines of ink seems to be working for you, and with that I'd state just keep on doing what you're doing and don't get discouraged by negative reviews. Everyone starts out by doing the wrong thing, it's an immutable law when writing scripts. Best of luck.
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Equinox
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 5:44am Report to Moderator
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I don't know the story this is based on and I'm afraid I also didn't get it from this script. The middle part seemed like endless repetition. Walk or Fall - No, Walk or Fall - No, Walk or Fall, No. Hard to finish the script at this point.

Didn't really understand what this was about, sorry.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Very descriptive logline.

Grammar issues aside, I actually attempted to read this twice and I still don't get it.

So it looks like he shot Ravi and then shot himself... then had a fight in the afterworld??
I think.

Good job on entering


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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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Confession: I've never heard of the fairy tale.


Quoted Text
Your title is not remotely centered and this ain't a good start.


I don't usually agree with Jeff, but he's right. Also, it's not in ALL CAPS, which is a huge mistake.


Quoted Text
Rush of air.


Rush Limbaugh of radio fame? Or do you mean "a rush of air"? Try to use complete sentences.


Quoted Text
MARIO (15) dares a look past black wings that surround him.


"Dares to"?? Huh?? "Black wings"??? WTF?


Quoted Text
Mario rests against his savior,[]an ANGEL. Black, tattered,
wings flap with a large gust of air.


Huh??? Very awkwardly written, with poor English.

"City flies" or "Cities fly." "City fly" is poor grammar. Is English your native language?

"[...]desperate to keep them close" or "closed?"


Quoted Text
INT. PURGATORY


Day or night?

(CONT'D) is only for page-broken dialogue. Turn off MORE and CONT'D in your software, except as noted.


Quoted Text
Mario shakes, his boot bouncing against his other foot, which
is absent a shoe.


Huh???


Quoted Text
MARIO
Am I dead?


I don't know about you, Mario, but this script is.

I'm out on page 1.

Pass.

Challenge/Parameters:  ???
Story/Execution: Z


FADE IN:
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Notes:
Okay, you said there was a line of street lights, he took off down the line, and again line of street lights.  Probably should change that “line” of wording.   Again, on page 2 you have him step back and then the very next sentence he steps back.  Not like it was another step.  Okay, seems like there is a lot of this kind of writing, so I won’t keep going on about it.  On to the story:
Okay done.  I was scratching my head on this until the flashback.  Then, it started to make sense and the end did clear everything up.  Not really my cup of tea, but interesting none the less.  I’ve got to say, if you don’t clean up the writing and make what’s going on crystal clear – especially in the beginning – most will not finish the first page or two.  I’m glad I hung in there because it really was a different look at death and afterlife.  Good job on completing your script for the challenge and good luck with the rewrites!

Met Challenge?: Yes
Horror: Yes
Overall: Pass


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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StuartJ
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm.... I don't quite get it.

There seems like there is a pretty cool story in there but it's lost on me. There is awkward sentence structure and a lot of repetition that doesn't make for an easy read.

Sorry but I think this needs some work.
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