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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  The Angel - OWC
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  Author    The Angel - OWC  (currently 2253 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Angel by Yishai

A young boy must face the reality of his situation, he's dead. Now he has one task before he moves on, bring an Angel a flower. If he fails, he falls into the void and becomes part of the bone pile.

Short Supernatural Horror based on The Angel


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Warren
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 5:27am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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I have no idea what I just read. Sorry but that didn't make any sence to me at all. I read the source material and I'm still lost.

There are a lot of errors, I'm guessing because English is not your first language.

I'm not sure what part was meant to be horrific either.

It's a pass from me.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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This starts out with grammar problems and/or typos. Spacing all off. No fade in.

The beginning drags very slow for me but I'm glad I read it all the way through because the end or near the end was my favorite part of this script. It is very unclear until the flashback.

I was happy when he told the Angle to shut up was sick of hearing walk or fall

Good job.
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SAC
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Like the fairy tale this is based on, but your story is kinda all over the place for me. I'm gonna go with this mindset while reading these, and that it should be a cohesive story. That's not to say yours had no action or horror elements. It did, and I think it's written well and paced nicely towards the end. I just didn't know what the heck was going on and why.

Overall, good writing but not clear.

Steve


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Lightfoot
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
He bypasses the Angel.
The Angel shrinks in the distance.


Both sort of mean the same thing....he passes the Angel.

Like others I'm a bit lost as to what exactly is going on in this story, I think a bit more insight into what happened between Mario, Ravi, and the little 30 year old girl , but I stuck it out to the end though, which I enjoyed. So what is Mario doing now? Does he have to collect one or more flowers in order to follow the Angel into heaven?

Also, why did the Angel keep saying walk or fall to Mario? Seemed like there was only one outcome the Angel was going to allow, so why not just tell him to get the damn thing? Maybe I missed something.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Your title is not remotely centered and this ain't a good start.

Wo...WTF?  No clue what's going on and the writing ain't good at all, sorry to say.  Lots of little errors that are making this really tough to understadn and continue on.  Incorrect verb tenses...really?

I really hate to do this, but I'm out on Page 3, as I'm completely clueless what's going on and why.

Seems like you tried to take the fairy tale and literally turn it into a script, which doesn't work here at all.  Your descriptive writing and scene setting needs alot of work.

No way does this work at all for me.

No grade
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 4:45am Report to Moderator
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This one is littered with typos and errors, I'm guessing a newbie and maybe?

One of the descrips says they're in a hallway, but it also has streetlights. is that right/what you meant?

Ending confused me, why was he selected to take over and why is poor Judith dragged into it?

This is all a little muddled but I more or less followed it, I'm just not sure it's my sort of thing, feels a little preachy.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Conz
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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vaguely familiar with this story.  let's see how it goes...

So far, the writing is... not so good.  i appreciate the fact these lines are short though.

not really setting a good scene so far.  i'm already a little confused on page 3.

the word "fucking" hit like a brick.  can't imagine that needs to be here.

This one isn't working for me.  I'm getting frustrated just reading it.  I didn't want to bail on any, but I'm breaking my rule.  Sorry.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

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Nolan
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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I read this twice, and still wasn't sure what had happened.  Like everyone has said, there are some spelling errors throughout.  

I was getting tired of the "walk or fall" line.  It was very repetitive.  

The story itself could be alright, but I think you really need to flush it out and really work on making it clearer.  I'm fine with trying to figure something out on my own, I don't necessarily have to have all the answers handed to me.  But I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was happening, or even why it was happening.  I'm sure that it probably makes sense to you, but if it doesn't make sense to anyone else you're not going to get far with it.  

Nolan
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Awesome logline,
but a boring, interchangeable title choice, plus untidy cover page.

Visually strong opening. I read such hell descriptions quite often and yours do work properly, fine.

There's a passage between 3 and 4 where you miss to keep the tension by staying in redundant dialogues and repeat the situation too often. It's a pity. Though you repaired that soon after.

P5 wait, did he shot himself in the head? The pronoun indicates that. It's unclear. I stopped over and over there.

All right. This is very ambitious because it's a complicated story, with a complicated structure.

You partly almost lost me, although I think I understood your story of an open gateway to the underworld and back.

The story is just cool, dialogue was also an ambitious choice, to go modern within such a fundamentally transcendental atmosphere.

Don't get me wrong: The story is not clean and the plot rumbles and stumbles forward in my sight. No problems with that because

in one week I shouldn't and won't hold that against you at all. Especially the visually construction is such a hard confrontation you tackle yourself and then send us in. Keep that. Keep ambition above security. Good script, good Job.



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c m hall
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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"The Angel leans down.  His face was shaped like the blade of an axe and his eyes rounded the corners - all seven of them."  
    from "The Angel" OWC


The wording of this screenplay is bewildering, suggesting an unfinished edit or a translation...

This work has charm.  It makes good use of the source material, shadows it, somewhat.  Sets a scene between life and death so skillfully that one goes along for the journey.

I look forward to reading a revision of this "Angel" and expect it to be wonderful.
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Cameron
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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I'm guessing a newbie so I'll be nice.

It was pretty hard to follow what was going on here, and for me the characters were lost in what was an exceptionally confusing script. There were some serious formatting issues and typos, plus the pacing wasn't great.

I'm afraid was a pass for me.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I didn't follow it all. Especially at the end. And it has a lot of issues (gosh I sound like Jeff )but...

...I rather liked that.

The difference to other scripts, in my opinion,  is that I was interested. It also felt different to the others and after 30 scripts that helps.

Haven't a clue what that that was based on, must check - just done - and see you followed the basics well.

Still not there, but an interesting effort for the week.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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PraneelNand
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 1:54am Report to Moderator
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Great attempt, but it fell flat for me. I liked the description of the angel, but unfortunately none of the other characters got a description.

Liked the ending where Mario became death, I'm not familiar with the source material, but that's what I got from it.

Had a lot of grammatical errors throughout was hard to read, I'm not sure if this was your first script or ESL. But stick it out, if screenwriting is something you really enjoy, you can only get better with time, and patience.

Good luck and I hope to read a revised version, you got a lot of pointers from the other posters now make it happen 👍🏾
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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The writing suggests someone fairly new to this game so I’ll bypass all the usual comments and just suggest you read a lot of scripts and a good screenwriting guide.

The story is very visual and hints at a moody, strange yet atmospheric trip through purgatory. Unfortunately, it just comes across as weird and is difficult to follow. I very quickly lost track of what was going on.
So it is a pass from me but well done on entering the owc and I hope you get a lot out of it.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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EWall433
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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This one has a little too much mystery in it. It's obtuse to the point where you kinda stop caring what it all means. Now I DID follow it, for the most part. The walk or fall and pick up a flower seemed arbitrary, but I understood the consequences. What I didn't understand at all is why Judith shows up. Who killed her? Mario killed Ravi, Judith killed Mario, but who killed Judith. And why does she have to walk. I can get two young thugs being “tested” like this, but the innocent victim of a violent crime?

There's just no logic to grasp that makes you feel like you know enough to care. We've got a completely mysterious main character in a completely befuddling world. There's nothing to route for, and no way to route for it.
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Gum
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 10:22pm Report to Moderator
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This one had a surreal, cinematic feel pulled right from the pages of Heavy Metal magazine. I really enjoyed it.

I viewed it as a strange (higher consciousness) device born in the matrix to police wandering souls before their final transfer out of purgatory; either back to the corporeal to right their wrongs, or a move onto the Astral above... a sojourn if you will, that has no other forms within except the accused, and the angelic beings given a limited instruction set to keep the wheels of torment in motion and, after each soul awakens to their criminal mind... pass the torch.

Curiously ... the writing here reminded me of another member from back in the day, and his particular style of writing that I always enjoyed reading for those ethereal, dreamlike sequences, but I'm fairly certain this is a newer writer.

Anyways, the writing here does have some issues, however, your mindset into the world of imagination and how to capture surreal imagery with a few lines of ink seems to be working for you, and with that I'd state just keep on doing what you're doing and don't get discouraged by negative reviews. Everyone starts out by doing the wrong thing, it's an immutable law when writing scripts. Best of luck.
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Equinox
Posted: October 22nd, 2016, 5:44am Report to Moderator
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I don't know the story this is based on and I'm afraid I also didn't get it from this script. The middle part seemed like endless repetition. Walk or Fall - No, Walk or Fall - No, Walk or Fall, No. Hard to finish the script at this point.

Didn't really understand what this was about, sorry.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Very descriptive logline.

Grammar issues aside, I actually attempted to read this twice and I still don't get it.

So it looks like he shot Ravi and then shot himself... then had a fight in the afterworld??
I think.

Good job on entering


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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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Confession: I've never heard of the fairy tale.


Quoted Text
Your title is not remotely centered and this ain't a good start.


I don't usually agree with Jeff, but he's right. Also, it's not in ALL CAPS, which is a huge mistake.


Quoted Text
Rush of air.


Rush Limbaugh of radio fame? Or do you mean "a rush of air"? Try to use complete sentences.


Quoted Text
MARIO (15) dares a look past black wings that surround him.


"Dares to"?? Huh?? "Black wings"??? WTF?


Quoted Text
Mario rests against his savior,[]an ANGEL. Black, tattered,
wings flap with a large gust of air.


Huh??? Very awkwardly written, with poor English.

"City flies" or "Cities fly." "City fly" is poor grammar. Is English your native language?

"[...]desperate to keep them close" or "closed?"


Quoted Text
INT. PURGATORY


Day or night?

(CONT'D) is only for page-broken dialogue. Turn off MORE and CONT'D in your software, except as noted.


Quoted Text
Mario shakes, his boot bouncing against his other foot, which
is absent a shoe.


Huh???


Quoted Text
MARIO
Am I dead?


I don't know about you, Mario, but this script is.

I'm out on page 1.

Pass.

Challenge/Parameters:  ???
Story/Execution: Z


FADE IN:
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Notes:
Okay, you said there was a line of street lights, he took off down the line, and again line of street lights.  Probably should change that “line” of wording.   Again, on page 2 you have him step back and then the very next sentence he steps back.  Not like it was another step.  Okay, seems like there is a lot of this kind of writing, so I won’t keep going on about it.  On to the story:
Okay done.  I was scratching my head on this until the flashback.  Then, it started to make sense and the end did clear everything up.  Not really my cup of tea, but interesting none the less.  I’ve got to say, if you don’t clean up the writing and make what’s going on crystal clear – especially in the beginning – most will not finish the first page or two.  I’m glad I hung in there because it really was a different look at death and afterlife.  Good job on completing your script for the challenge and good luck with the rewrites!

Met Challenge?: Yes
Horror: Yes
Overall: Pass


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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StuartJ
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm.... I don't quite get it.

There seems like there is a pretty cool story in there but it's lost on me. There is awkward sentence structure and a lot of repetition that doesn't make for an easy read.

Sorry but I think this needs some work.
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