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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Pinocchio: A Nose for Flesh - OWC
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  Author    Pinocchio: A Nose for Flesh - OWC  (currently 4734 views)
ChrisBodily
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good so far.


Quoted Text
Pinocchio’s nose suddenly GROWS -- stretches out a full inch
in length.

JULIET
Look! His nose!


Wouldn't you know it? This is literally on-the-nose dialogue. (Did you do that on purpose? ) A simple "Look!" would suffice. We can see his nose; no need to spell it out. Plus, everyone nose knows the story of Pinocchio.

Had to Google "tendriled." My spell-check doesn't even recognize the word, but it does recognize "tendril."

A few orphans.

Careful with that axe, Eugene -- I mean, Pinocchio!


Quoted Text
Elisa steps defensively in front [of] her sister. Bruno beside
her, ears up, alert.

PINOCCHIO
Father’s asked me to fetch
firewood.

ELISA
He is not your father[,] nor you his
son. He is unwell, since mother
died.


Pinocchio is made of wood and can't be around fire (or axes, for that matter); I'm not buying it, 'Nocch.

You have a few missing commas.


Quoted Text
Pinocchio lurches forward, menace in his eyes.


The horror begins on page 5.

"Grow cross"?? Even Google is stumped.

To be continued. I'm gonna go watch the real Pinocchio vs. the real Fairy Godmother on CNN. Then I'll eventually read Jiminy Cricket's Tweets.


FADE IN:
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JakeJon
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Yup,
For me,  the best read so far.  Fabulous pace. Just enough gore.  Great ending.

What no Jiminy Cricket?
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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I'm back. Pinocchio lost the Debate big time. Hillary won.

Anyway... I got no strings to hold me down, so let us continue my review:


Quoted Text
The family at enjoys supper.


Active voice.

Just like Frankenstein, the creator rejects his creation.

You get right into the gore on p7. Nice!


Quoted Text
ELISA
Something[']s happened. Can you hear
me, father?

GEPPETTO
I�m very tired.


You can maybe show Gepetto nodding off or yawning, heavy eyes. You can show tiredness visually. For example, I'm yawning like crazy! (Not your fault; long day, woke up early; no nap.)

You only need one exclamation point.

"BLACK." should be "CUT TO BLACK:" and right-aligned.


Quoted Text
GEPPETTO
(calling out)
Elisa! Juliet!


We get it.

Wow. What a script! I loved it. I was genuinely engaged and genuinely terrified. This would look great filmed. It's got elements of Child's Play, Orphan (2009), Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Manhunter and Silence of the Lambs (Those are the ones I can name off the top of my head).

You carved out a great script and I wood highly recommend it. Who nose what you could do with it? A+


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Abe from LA
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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Really enjoyed this entry.  I like the way you set up Geppetto's state of mind. And Pinocchio's bonding with his "father." Loved how the daughters, particularly the older girl, resented Pinocchio. This issue of being integrated into the family -- and rejected -- was well handled.
Man, I loved the darkness this way comes. And the ending was deliciously savage.

I think this little fella grows up to be Hannibal Lecter.
Best read thus far. Thank you.
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SAC
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 5:21am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Writing here was great. You expertly set this all up, skillful and precise. Little things, too, like Bruno growling under the table. Memorable characters and not too many of them, all of their names I can recall.

Again, another script that's getting a lot of buzz so I wanted to make sure I read it before time runs out. Definitely worthy of a Rec.

Small nitpicks: I honestly can't understand why Pinocchio has this mirderous streak in him. I mean, yeah, I get it -- he wants to be a real boy. But, I think it would have done this story well to explain (briefly) how Pinocchio came to be in the workshop, and perhaps there was a failing in the workmanship, or Gepetto himself had made a pact with some evil forces to bring Pinocchio to life. And well, you know what happens when there are evil pacts? They always come with side effects, hence Pinocchio's murderous streak.

That's what I would've liked to see here. Just a little backstory to tie this all in. But no matter now -- it's fine the way it is. Congrats!

Steve


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Stumpzian
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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A few questions of admittedly small consequence:
1. Did Pinocchio ever get any clothes or was he running around naked all the time?
2. Where did Pinocchio come from? Did Gepetto carve him or did he just show up? I guess you implied Gepetto made him by saying God exerted his will through the old man's hands.
3. Were both girls stubborn? You described the younger daughter as stubborn in the intro but later Gepetto says the older daughter was the stubborn one.
4. How did the little guy kill Bruno and the girls? Oh, maybe the ax.
5. What was the sound "like nails on chalkboard" at the beginning?

Enough trivialities.

Several people have described this script as "superb." I think that's a bit much, but I do like it.
For some reason, it brings to mind an old radio bit that featured Charlie McCarthy and W.C. Fields:

FIELDS
Charles, when you're away, I feel a great vacancy...in my fireplace.









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EWall433
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one a lot. Probably my favorite so far. I do think it could've benefited from more exploration of the character’s motivations and why they feel the way they do. The first scene is the weakest, imo, and in large part because it felt like every character’s feelings and motivations were being grafted on arbitrarily. Once the story continued, and I just sort of accepted it, things picked up.

I'm not sure you need two sisters in this. I'll admit I started to get a little disappointed when it devolved into a type of slasher movie, but the ending goes a long way to saving it. I just wonder if there's a more psychological/character driven way to get there.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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There were moments I really liked in this.

The boy covered in flesh at the end, wasn't one of them- I would have guessed that before reading.

And that bothered me, which is a shame.

I have now read the comments above, and I'm alone on this, so it appears it's not an issue. I just felt the title and everything gave it away. Besides, the 'real boy' thing just throws up this image.

To be honest I read a Pinocchio story before this and two in a row don't help.

The father was interesting, almost betraying mental illness, but I also felt a bit abrupt with his reversals.

A toy turning evil because it's not loved anymore is a good turf to be on. But, Something didn't quite click for me.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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Enjoyed this, was easy to read and well paced.

Not entirely sure Gepetto's motives were well explained in here and the sister's seem a little one dimensional.

But I enjoyed it.

Good effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PraneelNand
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Very twisted and you did a great job painting the scenes, I could visualize every detail. Writing was solid and kept in the spirit of the horror genre.

Besides a few errors that have been covered in the above posts, I have to say this was an awesome read.

Pinocchio has been a favorite of mine as a child, thanks for ruining that for me  

This is a consider for me.
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James McClung
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Best of the bunch I've read thus far, although a few issues.

Geppetto has two daughters. Not really a problem, per se, but it does seem to take away from his need to create a fake child in place of a real one. Maybe he always wanted a boy, although he doesn't seem to be unsatisfied or resentful of his daughters, so even if that were the case, there doesn't seem to be that classic feel of Geppetto filling a void.

Was confused by Geppetto's sudden turn against Pinocchio ("Make it stop speaking to me"). Did I miss something here? Or is the dude just crazy/grief-stricken?

Also, why blue intestine. Supposed to be cold or something? Pretty sure that ain't the color.

Good job. Congrats on entering.


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RichardR
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I liked this one.  Liars who want to become something they're not. works for me.  It's a nice twist to an old tale.

Best
Richard
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c m hall
Posted: October 27th, 2016, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Very admirable writing, memorable characters and unforgettable scenes.  The image of Elisa, half broken herself, clinging to the foot of an oak tree as Pinocchio's nose creeps into view is dazzling.  Pinocchio, himself, carved from a pin oak...  It's the whole world as a nightmare come to life.

This quote from Geppetto:

"God hath made me his instrument. Through these trembling hands his divine will flows."

-  I think can not be ignored, or confined to the daughter's fear that Pinocchio is a work of the devil -- it is the artist, recognizing the life in the work of art as being independent from himself, which is maybe a sort of madness.  

Pinocchio's uncontrollable appetite is central to the story, but so are his need for love, his embarrassment and confusion, his insistence that he would never harm, his lies --  the character of Pinoccio overwhelms the family and the story which leads to heart break and tragedy, maybe madness.  I guess I loved the writing in this script so much I can't accept that death and destruction were necessary for the story.

In the Tempest, Prospero eventually says of the monster, Caliban, "This thing of darkness, I acknowledge mine."  And they all kind of live happily ever after.   Different story, I know.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 28th, 2016, 4:28am Report to Moderator
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I thought I commented on this one earlier... I guess not.

An excellent entry. Solid writing from start to finish.
We'll defined characters with great dialogue.

Pinocchio doing his best Hannibal Lector at the end.


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: October 28th, 2016, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Notes:
Elisa, strong cheek bones?  Is that necessary?  Maybe she’ll need them!  Must have had someone in mind when writing this character   

Page 7: Something’s happened.

Okay done.  That was some creepy awesomeness!  Holy crap!  Not much to say except I see what all the hype was from the others.  Yes I kind of figured the ending would be Silence of the Lambsesque, but still entertained the entire way there.  The descriptions, the action, dialogue, all of it worked.  Only the few things I mentioned and that’s it.  Good job!

Met Challenge?: Yes
Horror: OH YEAH!
Overall: Highly Recommend


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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