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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Killer Weed - OWC
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  Author    Killer Weed - OWC  (currently 2696 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Killer Weed by Darryl Burpee

Jerome's about to make a trade with some dubious characters, but that's nothing compared to what's waiting for him at home.

Short Action Horror based on Jack and The Beanstalk


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Warren
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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This feels more like Little Shop of Horrors than Jack and the Beanstalk. I think it's very, very losely based.

Not really my thing. Pot heads and gansta talk.

I feel that with no reason for the seed to grow this is a very thin story. Why that seed? Why that guy? It's all just coincidental.

The whole thing felt comical, for the most part, and had no real horror element to it.

This is a pass from me.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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Killer weed

As we start alas I already dislike this lad, which alas will colour my view of the script

Using (then) within dialogue is going to get the blood boiling of some around here - it's not needed

'Soften my stool' - made me chuckle, and I'll guess no one else has used those words!

Funny, I wasn't really getting this but the three way fight with, a clever plant , actually was interestingly different.

As a script needs a lot of tightening but the idea of a friendly, savage plant actually has something to it.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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OMG I love this. Love the characters and the dialogue.

LOVED your description of Qwik. BUT right after that you say his gold tooth shines in the light but later you say 'dude ain't got no teeth either'

let's  on page 8 should be lets.

Wow this one was fantastic! I think it's my new favorite!

Great dialogue...great characters...happy ending...awesome characters...structure was organic.

SUPER GREAT story!
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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Title reminds me of "Reefer Madness." Then again, "Tainted Blood" (and its plot) reminds me of John Carpenter's The Thing.

"Living room" is two words.

Could you specify which game system? Xbox, PS1/2/3/4/VR, Nintendo Wii, or hell even: NES, Super NES, Sega Genesis, Sega Saturn/CD, Dreamcast, Atari 2600 or Jaguar, even Philips CD-i... or the host of others from over the years. You get the idea.

(into phone) should be a parenthetical, not an extension. Extensions are usually reserved for (O.S.) and (V.O.)

"Qwik" is somebody's name, right?

I'm pretty sure we can see what kind of sandwich Mama made. Just say, "I made your favorite."

Had to Google "geranium." The word is an orphan anyway.

No need to tell us twice that he's on the phone.

"Lata" (later, latuh, late-uh) doesn't translate on the page, unfortunately. "Later" would have sufficed.


Quoted from John Wayne
Just write it in English, and if I accept the role, I'll play it like John Wayne.


Heavy on Ebonics, aren't we? and (then) is not needed. (beat) would work better, or no parenthetical at all.

Mama already sounds like Monique in Precious.

"C-V-S," not "CVS." Your actors might want to pronounce it "Cuvs."

"I said..." no need to repeat. Just wasted space.

Page 3 and no horror yet. Reads more like a stoner comedy so far.

Give us an approximate age for Sugar. Is he an infant, 14, 30, 50, 88, 150 years old? You just wrote a character who could be played by Ben Affleck just as easily as Clint Eastwood or Justin Timberlake.


Quoted Text
SUGAR
This better be good.


I hope so, too, but so far...  

Again, "living room" is two words. Last time I'll mention this.

"Mama's sat seated"

"Our eyes?" "We" shouldn't be a part of this story.

Code

MAMA
That's right, girl. You tell him the
shizant ain't in the hizant cuz there
ain't no parkin' on the--



...What??    


Quoted Text
Against the back wall -- the shadow of the PLANT, lit green by
the lava lamp, continues to grow like a wrestler on steroids
and Wheaties.


I'll give you points for this! Hilarious!

So far, we've got one thing resembling horror. But it could just as easily be a comedy or drama. More like the former.

"Fire bad?" Is Sugar Frankenstein? And Quik is The Bride?

Had to Google "hundo."

P5 and so far no resemblance to the Jack and the Beanstalk story, barely any horror.

To "teeth" or not to "teeth"? That is the question.

"Jerome is gasping gasps for air."

Active voice.

Had to Google Oxys and Percs. Not much luck oin the former, but the latter is a street name for Percocet. The only Oxy I've heard of are Oxy acne face scrub and Billy Mays OxyClean.


Quoted Text
Jerome smoothly tripping trips along, smoking a fattie.


Passive voice again.

It was just a diabetic coma? I thought the weed was killing her? It's in the title after all. No horror. No Jack and the Beanstalk. Fails the challenge.

"He get's up."

"WHAT THE FUCK!" should not be capitalized, no matter how loud the character says it.

Plant has a name? Robert Plant?

Funny intro. "He's no Vegan." Ha ha. "Feed me, Seymour!"

Finally, some real horror!


Quoted Text
SUGAR
The fuck you got growin' here, Jerome?


That's what I'd like to know. I'd also like to know why I'm still reading it.

Is Sugar Gambol from The Dark Knight? Similar dialogue.


Quoted Text
Even PLANT seems at a loss.


He's not alone.

I'm skimming now. Not a good impression.

Well, the good news is that I read the whole thing and survived.

Challenge/Parameters: D-
Formatting: B-/C+
Story: C-

Pass... and I don't mean the dutchie from the left-hand side.


FADE IN:
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khamanna
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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I really liked the beginning of it and thought it was about a mother and her boy and the feud between them or something. There were a lot of comedic elements at the beginning dialog. And the diabetic coma that might have killed the mother - that's a funny touch.

I didn't like the new two characters. And one has a name I can't pronounce - Qwik. Some kind of drug addicts - and I"m thinking it's going the beaten-up route.

I loved to see the mother in a diabetic coma. But you introduced the Plant shortly after and I thought it's kind of random. The plant was not foreshadowed anywhere in the script. It was not about the plant at all when it suddenly is. Even your last shot is about a plant.

So for me it's not a well-rounded story.
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SAC
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Pretty good job here. A much different take on Jack and The Beanstalk. The urban slang used comes off comedic, and I think that was your intention. Though the line with the "shizant" might have been overkill. Still, decent premise, pretty good action and a happy/sad ending.

Nice work for the time allowed.

Steve


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c m hall
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Excellent script, beautifully written and precisely worded so descriptions add to the drama rather than slow it with padding.

The story is a fine extension of Jack And The Beanstalk; the stray magic seed and what seems like a foolhardy trade proven to be heaven sent.

The Mama character is very skillfully portrayed; when she collapses, all hope is gone and the atmosphere in the story turns from dread to doom (she's that much of a dynamic force).

The fight scene will play well on screen, the demise of the bad guys is entertaining and
welcome when delivered.  

Jerome, at 22, seems like a lost cause until, against all odds, he recognizes his own failings and tries to help his mother.  He is a true hero, as is the Plant, in its own way.

note: seems like the opening slug should be INT. instead of EXT. and there's an "it's" in place of "its", regarding the plant, in the last few lines.  
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Opening Slug incorrect, as "LIVING ROOM" is two words.

On Page 3 and not sure what the heck I'm reading, as it's all gangsta rap, with no story and definitely no horror elements whatsoever.

Page 3 - "Mama's sat..." - Really?  Oh man...one of my biggest pet peeves.

Verb use is off repeatedly.  Lines read like your dialogue, which ain't a good thang, bra.

Shit...that's enough for me.  No Jack and the beanstalk that I can see and not a very engaging read with no likable characters.

Not for me.

Grades

Challenge parameters - D-

Script/Story/Execution - D

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  October 18th, 2016, 6:28pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Kinda liked this, wasn't particularly scary but it flowed well and was a nice easy read.

I might be biased as a big Little SHop fan... but this seems less Jack and more Audrey.

Good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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irish eyes
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Killer Weed... I've had a few of that in my Amsterdam days lol

1st slug EXT. Living Room... Should be INT.

Obviously more leaning towards Little Shop of Horrors than Jack and the  Beanstalk and I say that lightly... besides the seed(bean)  It's hard to call a twist on a fairy tale when it resembles hardly anything... sorry might not have hurt to change Jerome to Jack.

The characters are well defined and I was starting to wonder where the horror was coming from.
The plant sat in the background for way too long but at least it provided horrific moments which is still better than a majority of scripts I read.

The writing was clean

The script was pretty good.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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I found this very comical. Was that the intention? Not sure but as others have mentioned this is more 'Little Shop of Horrors' than Jack and the Beanstalk.

Overwritten to the extreme. So much detail in not only the characters descriptions but telling the actors how to act, how to move etc. Some producers would be put off as you've left nothing for other members of the cast & crew to add and written an expensive script.

However it did make me laugh, I'll give you that!

But, as there was no horror element (for me anyway) and it didn't reflect the Jack and the Beanstalk story enough, it's a pass.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Cameron
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Another left field script, i liked it.

As per above comments, it felt like Little Shop of Horrors, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I liked the comedy elements, the Plant was my favourite character, and considering it didn't get out of its pot, it had a fair old character arc from the villain of the piece to being a potential hero. In fact it was kinda like Sean Bean in LOTR...but a plant.

I'll give it a consider
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KevinX
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hello! Hello!

I like your ideas and you are able to make me like the characters in only 9 pages which is quite impressive. There were some typos but they didn't really ruin the reading experience. My complaint toward the script is there was lack of justifications on why things happening. Most of them feel like random/coincidental.

As to say, I see your script is very-very loosely based on the fairytale it says it's based on. Will be more interesting if you put more reference and/or homage to it.

Nevertheless, this is quite well done and I like the comical tone of your script.

Best,
Kevin
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leitskev
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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Feed me, Seymour! Feeeeeeed meeeee!

There's some good stuff here. And it's delivered with some good writing. Like all of these things, the writing needs some polishing, but the writer is definitely talented.

The story suffers from lack of focus, though there are plenty of cool elements. We don't really have any reason to care what happens to any of the characters, there is not much driving the story, no compelling goals or mystery. But it's an easy read. The Jack and the Beanstalk inspired magic grass seed is a nice take, though this seems more like an angry plant than a beanstalk leading to a land of giants. Hard to believe a drug dealer would kill over a few bucks.

It was a good effort for an OWC, however. It's hard to sometimes pull all these concepts together in the first draft. I'm glad you wrote it and glad I picked it up to read.
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Gum
Posted: October 21st, 2016, 12:07am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this, some of the character descriptions, dialog, etc. was laugh out loud funny. However, I feel it's still missing a supernatural angle re: the plant.

Perhaps the seed lands in the potting soil and does nothing, then, when Mama has her spasm she falls forward knocking something over in the process. Then, from just that one thing, the room could be this strange Rube Goldberg machine she inadvertently sets in motion till a bottle of 'Miracle Gro' plant food (sitting on a shelf above the plant) gets knocked over and ends up dumping its entire contents onto the seed... just a thought.

This also put me in mind of Scary Movie 2, one of my all time favourite 'bad' movies. The scene when 'Shorty' is accosted by monstrous tree limbs smashing through the window à la Poltergeist, rolled in his bed sheets like a massive doobie... and smoked by the possessed tree.

The ending kind of fell flat for me with the strange twist of fate for Jerome and his Mama... and the plant. None the less, the overall concept was fairly entertaining and, it's definitely a creative twist on the original tale. Well done.
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EWall433
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 7:50am Report to Moderator
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This was such a bizarre little story. There's a lot to like. I thought the characters in particular were handled very well. There’s definitely something here with Jerome risking his mother’s life, getting in bad with the wrong people and having to face the consequences from all sides. But the killer plant thing? That almost seemed like the weirdest subplot ever to a fairly straight forward story. I would've liked some further exploration of it. Why did it grow? What's up with those seeds? Can you smoke it? The way it's played in this script turned it into a really weird deus ex machina. If it had been weaved in better I would've liked this one a lot more.
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nawazm11
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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Well, ahem, a very weird script that surprisingly almost works. The action towards the end seems to be the biggest problem I have with it, and I'm not entirely sure that it follows the fairy tale it's based on as much as the challenge would require.

Good news is that the silly tone works, yet, the script never struck me as using the story to its advantage. The plant growing was outrageous (again, it worked), but it was used as a weak plot point when it should've been the focus of the script. You've got a weed plant that's sentient -- do something with it. It leaves the reader disappointed when instead of progressing through the story with what's been established, we get a shoddy action scene with drug dealers and a fat diabetic having a seizure. Although in saying that, I do think there's definitely something here. Good effort.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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Comedy title and a quite weak logline here

I think to know this tale. Cool choice of you. I'm looking forward to what's going on in your script.

It's very over-descriptive imo.

The story never left the comedy field for me. The script partly felt as a construction filled with irony. A fanciful approach but it hasn't fully convinced me.



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RichardR
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I am not a fan of pothead stories.  This one didn't quite follow the jack tale, but you did manage to get in a quick growing plant and a giant.  Still, it doesn't work for me.

Best
Richard
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 26th, 2016, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Off jump, I enjoyed the scene with Jerome and Mama. She seemed a bit of a burden on Jerome's end, but he was willing to do the right thing. Now we know the seed is in play, and that it's supposed to payoff later, but after reading I'm not entirely sold on it - but it still makes me think about the relationship between a man and his pot.

Not sure if I was cast for the role of Mama, I'd want to see that in the script lol.

Since Plant had a Little Shop of Horrors vibe, I was trying tune in on that relationship. Jerome never came across overtly dependent or in love with weed, so I never felt any tension toward the end.

Nice writing, and the final ending is solid when plant rolled the pills to Jerome. I think the two thugs didn't land on this, but it could just be Jerome needs a little more affinity for Mary Jane.
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SAC
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 7:11am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Just a bit of explanation here...

Seeing as so many people thought this didn't really follow the fairy tale, Jack and The Beanstalk, let me say I never thought it was required to actually follow the fairy tale. However, let me point out what I did to try and follow the fairy tale that no one seemed to pick up on.

Sugar the drug dealer was 6'8" tall (giant)
Plant was your (Beanstalk)
Qwik had a gold tooth (goose that lays the golden egg)
When Qwik strangle Jerome, he starts to sing a James Taylor song (self playing harp, or stringed instrument as James Taylor plays guitar)
Pills for the weed swap

Well, that's my rationale anway! Thanks for all the reads, and to the two peeps with amazing taste who gave this a first place readers choice vote!!

Also -- LIVINGROOM. Well, yeah, I know they're two words and should be separated. Duh, obviously a typo. And to the commentor who suggested I name the gaming system at the beginning -- if you can tell me how that possibly advances the story forward, or has any relevance, I'd be happy to include it in the future.

And congrats to James!! Great story he wrote.

Steve


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