Awesome title page!

Take a bow. Both the writing and story were great, thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

Well written action and dialogue made the script enjoyable to read. But was the reason for Maxine setting up The Great Zantini for Davina’s death was to get back at him for abusing her? Or was the reason Davina had to die was because she was having an affair with Chad, the same as Maxine was?

The problem is that once the cops find Chad dead, and that the DNA matches that of Davina, they’ll know that the missing Maxine must be responsible. And TGZ will go free. Which is probably something Maxine doesn’t want.

A minor point: on page 6 the description reads, “Maxine kicks at the trapdoor switch but it doesn’t work.” In reality, it was Davina doing the kicking, so maybe change “Maxine” to “The Woman.” And does the wording “This Hallowed Eve…” on a poster really make this a Halloween story?

Being a huge fan of The Prestige I really liked this. Is it horror though? Not sure.

The villain you pulled off was pretty good and I didn't guess until the end. Seems like you needed a few more pages to wrap up the storyline a bit more such as if Maxine's plan was a crime of passion, or was it the money, or both, and would she know that she may eventually get caught (assuming they do DNA testing)?

Overall though, no real faults. Ticks all the boxes (if maybe a little light on the Halloween stuff).

Great script you have here, Al... the win was inevitable. I guessed this as you because I remember the last time you came out of nowhere and ate up the competition and the style wasn't quite like that of the other regs.

You're a great writer, congrats on the win!

Quoted from Warren Great script you have here, Al... the win was inevitable. I guessed this as you because I remember the last time you came out of nowhere and ate up the competition and the style wasn't quite like that of the other regs. You're a great writer, congrats on the win!

Cheers mate. I’ll disappear for another year and then come back for another OWC. By then everyone will have forgotten how I write lol.

Thanks everyone who added some good notes. I wasn't going to enter this OWC because I find good villains are notoriously difficult to write (especially "evil" ones) so the idea for this tale didn't come to me until late Wednesday night which meant I had two days to bash it out. To tell this story right, it needed to be longer and the first draft was around 15 pages and had more details surrounding Maxine's plan, which some picked up on as a little unclear.

Quoted from Spqr But was the reason for Maxine setting up The Great Zantini for Davina�s death was to get back at him for abusing her? Or was the reason Davina had to die was because she was having an affair with Chad, the same as Maxine was?

It really was Maxine just wanting to get the hell out of Dodge and far away from Zantini, and seeing the last night of his show (a cash only one at that) as the opportunity to hatch her master plan and take some of the money with her. The thing with Chad and Davina: Maxine was using Chad to help her so was likely having a bit of an affair with him beforehand, and when she saw what was going on with him and Davina that gave her the final idea on using her for the switcheroo. She sees her coming out of the backroom with Chad, and then in the dressing room she sizes her up and down, not just because she reminded her of her younger self, but also because that's the moment she realizes she could be her "double".

Quoted from Spqr The problem is that once the cops find Chad dead, and that the DNA matches that of Davina, they�ll know that the missing Maxine must be responsible. And TGZ will go free. Which is probably something Maxine doesn�t want.

I actually did a bit of research on this and typically DNA will not be collected in "workplace accidents" where there is no crime committed, especially if there are witnesses that can ID the victim. Typically, a coroner will take finger prints and maybe dental records during an autopsy, but in cases where it's clear how victims died and accidental in nature, a coroner will not do anything more than look at the body without doing an autopsy. Also some jurisdictions won't do DNA testing unless asked for by the police.

Quoted from Spqr A minor point: on page 6 the description reads, �Maxine kicks at the trapdoor switch but it doesn�t work.� In reality, it was Davina doing the kicking, so maybe change �Maxine� to �The Woman.� And does the wording �This Hallowed Eve�� on a poster really make this a Halloween story?

Good catch and I was wondering if anyone would catch it. That has been corrected in the latest draft. I changed it to "Our glamorous assistant kicks..".

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal I particularly like the fact you included two twists. Of course, the second one you couldn't have telegraphed it any better than a Western Union message

True. I could've cut the "her eyes shift to the stack of money line" which may have telegraphed it a little less.

Quoted from LC Did not like the unorthodox use of font (or is it just Italics?) changing throughout. Either way it pulled me up and I thought: what the...? It was not easy on the eye - which imho is the purpose of using a standard (Courier) font, apart from also estimating page count to film length.

A few peeps picked on this so I wanted to address it as it was a last minute choice while doing a final pass. Typically I like to end a FLASHBACK with a "BACK TO:" but that eats up 3 lines alone. I'd seen the use of italics for flashbacks in a few pro scripts recently as it is a good space saver, and as every single edit was pushing the script above 12 pages, that seemed like a logical choice. I knew it would get called out, and I have removed it from my latest draft as I do prefer it without, but I think it's going to be something you'll see become more common going forward IMO.

Quoted from khamanna Where's the money from? The act, just one act?

Yeah. One night cash only special (if you missed it, it says so on the poster outside the theatre). Probably totally illogical in the grand scheme of things, but adding a money heist twist to a story where they only take credit cards doesn't look as cool as feeding stacks of cash into a money counting machine.

Quoted from Anon My only critique is it could be great if you landed the misdirection thing a bit more. In the end it's just poison in a glass. Perhaps if there was a flashback to her kissing his neck - misdirecting him - as she slips the poison in.

Yeah, it really just came down to saving space and page count. If I had 15 pages to work with I could've fleshed out these details more.

Quoted from bert My only complaint is ending on Maxine.  This feels like it needs one more scene. Somehow, this story needs to end on showing us Zantini totally screwed. I'm not sure this works entirely proper if you leave his story as just a dangling thread

Yep. This will be fleshed out in a longer draft for sure.

Quoted from RolandJ This was very well executed. I would think it is more than suitable for conversion to a feature film.

Working on it

Well thought up. Great premise and world. The story... wow.

Great work, Al! I really enjoyed this and see why it won. I thought I was ahead of the story mid-way through, but your misdirection got me. Congrats!

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Great work, Al! I really enjoyed this and see why it won. I thought I was ahead of the story mid-way through, but your misdirection got me. Congrats! James

Cheers mate! That means a lot that you dug it.

This was really solid, Al - great work.

I only had one minor quibble - here:

Quoted Text DETECTIVE KOVASH You know, for when you need to get your ass out of a sticky situation pronto. BDSM, domination, mummification, figging, shit like that. Everyone has one. My wife's is "Beetlejuice". But saying it three times is way too much for her. You know what I'm saying?

Was too much of a toner shifter for me - went from suspense to humor - I found it to be a bit of a hiccup.

May be just me - Really dug the writing on this one.

Quoted from eldave1 This was really solid, Al - great work. I only had one minor quibble - here: Was too much of a toner shifter for me - went from suspense to humor - I found it to be a bit of a hiccup. May be just me - Really dug the writing on this one.

Cheers mate. That's a valid quibble. I tend to gravitate towards dark humor in my writing, and it was probably a little too much as you pointed out. Another couple of drafts I would've probably ironed that out a bit.

Also, I was surprised no-body asked what figging was lol.

Quoted from Britman Cheers mate. That's a valid quibble. I tend to gravitate towards dark humor in my writing, and it was probably a little too much as you pointed out. Another couple of drafts I would've probably ironed that out a bit. Also, I was surprised no-body asked was figging was lol.

Ha! - that's right - first time I read it I read it as friggin.... didn't notice it.