The Great Zantini and The Chamber of Death by Al Lougher (Britman) writing as Aby Cadabra - Short, Horror - A magician finds the spotlight turned on him when the final act of his Halloween special goes horribly wrong. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice! I'm in for the ride!

What an excellent read!  You really captured the spectacle of this event. I particularly like the fact you included two twists. Of course, the second one you couldn't have telegraphed it any better than a Western Union message, but nonetheless enjoyed the piece immensely. I love the way you write. Sorry for the lame-ass feedback, but not much to fault. And I'm not gonna nit-pick. Great job.

Oh, cool title page.

Wow, big story!
Nicely executed. Pun intended.  

Love the title font, love the pic.

Did not like the unorthodox use of font (or is it just Italics?) changing throughout. Either way it pulled me up and I thought: what the...? It was not easy on the eye - which imho is the purpose of using a standard (Courier) font, apart from also estimating page count to film length.

The story is v.good.
Your buildup of audience involvement and hysteria was nice, and that magic doovalacky setpiece was suitably gruesome and enthralling for a Halloween short. Not sure you needed the flashback to Chad zipping up his pants...

Some lovely dialogue from Maxine towards the end too, making Chad eat his words. Very cleverly put together

So, apart from my quibbles, great job!

P.S. Forgot to add: you met the brief perfectly with the villain. I should have but didn't pick it while reading. Kicking myself I didn't.

Overall this is well thought out and complete story with all the motives in place and nicely executed at that.

Where's the money from? The act, just one act?
Maybe I missed something. I wanted to get to the bottom of this and kind of rushed he read. That means you kept me on my toes.

but I really liked it until Chad and the beginning of the reveal. After that it started shaping into one of these stories we often see/read. Davina reveal was another twist and you did well by providing us with two in a row.

I'm not sure what I was expecting - it was kind of dreamy and very magical until Chad I guess.

This is still a great job. I wish I could write like that

I remember a time when a fancy font title would cause heads to explode on these forums. Not me, and I'm glad those days are gone. I really like this one and the rest of the script.

You have a very natural, flowing style that makes everything easy to read and follow. This could very well be an episode of CSI, it fights right into the murder mystery mould so popular with TV shows.

I didn't spot who the bad guy was going to be and I liked the double twist at the end. Great job.

This was fun. Well written and I think it worked in the tone you were going for.

My only critique is it could be great if you landed the misdirection thing a bit more. In the end it's just poison in a glass. Perhaps if there was a flashback to her kissing his neck - misdirecting him - as she slips the poison in.

But the main element - her using the young woman as misdirection - was well executed. And I liked that you said they'd realize it was her in the end but you'd be gone by then. I was thinking you were going to pull off the fake death thing.

Only one major plot hole is that she's only got one night's takings to run off with. If you were doing a rewrite - make the take bigger somehow. Or just cut it out. She has a motive - the little bit of money doesn't work.

But this was too good to end on a negative. Well done, you put some love into this and it shows.

Some excellent writing on display here, particularly the early pages.

I'm going to be a contrarian here, but, I wasn't fond of the double twist. The script had such good pace up until about page 10 for me. It just feels like it would have been more satisfying to make the reveal (it's plenty strong on its own) and get out.

But, clearly, my opinion is in the minority, so probably best to just ignore it.

Good job. Fun read.

This was my first read. Let's hope the rest are as strong as this one.

This was very well executed. I would think it is more than suitable for conversion to a feature film. Writer you have a good style that others should copy. The double whammy at the end caught me by surprise and worked. Not much to say as far as criticism. Good writing and a likely winner for this OWC.

Hi writer,

This one is well written with an amazing story. I liked the twist, although saying that Maxine and Davina look alike just like twins did felt over the top to me. I got the second twist beforehand just when Maxine offered Chad the drink, but that doesn't take anything from your efforts that were put by you into writing the script.    

Good luck.

This one wins best title for me -- title-page antics notwithstanding -- but honestly those don't really bug me all that much.  I rather like them sometimes, and this one is alright.

Good writing on display. Excessive italics took me out of the read a bit, though. Suspense is effectively built, and the reveals are well-placed.

My only complaint is ending on Maxine.  This feels like it needs one more scene. Somehow, this story needs to end on showing us Zantini totally screwed. I'm not sure this works entirely proper if you leave his story as just a dangling thread.

It's good, though.  Nice work on display here.  

There's always one that has more time on their hands than the rest of us

Nice title page.
Very well written and with an extra twist just for fun.

Now she is on her own with very little money Magic

One of the better scripts for sure.

Great entry

Well written and an entertaining read!

I appreciate the use of italics to signify that we're in a flashback. It did trip me up at first but once I understood how the italics were being employed, it did a good job of reminding this reader of what time period we were in.

Speaking of time periods, I know this is in the present (or cell phone days, at least) but some of it felt more dated. I was a bit off-put by the misogyny of Zantini & Chad together. Partly a personal thing, for sure, but having both of them run Maxine down (verbally & physically) left me wondering why she'd even let it get this far before taking action.

Hi Writer,

This was great, very enjoyable. There was quite a lot going on but very easy to follow. Such good work within a week.

Didn't see the twist coming and neither would the characters, so another box ticked.

Not much more to say. My favourite so far.

Good luck,
Glenn.

Writer,

A title page like this better have a damn good story to back it up and, well... It does! I thought the italics of the flashback might lose me, but didn't. It actually helped the story flow better, I think. That said, personally, I would have liked to see Maxine on a beach somewhere sipping a cool adult beverage for when she enacts her final revenge. Not sure why she's hanging around, but you had an answer for that, too, and it's plausible. Overall, very good story, well told. Top marks!

Steve

Before I start reading... love the title page!

The has elements and echoes of The Prestige for me, which is one of my fave movies so well done on evoking it.

I can't really say too much more on this, it's a great story very well written!

Brilliant job!

Awesome title page!

Take a bow. Both the writing and story were great, thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

Well written action and dialogue made the script enjoyable to read. But was the reason for Maxine setting up The Great Zantini for Davina’s death was to get back at him for abusing her? Or was the reason Davina had to die was because she was having an affair with Chad, the same as Maxine was?

The problem is that once the cops find Chad dead, and that the DNA matches that of Davina, they’ll know that the missing Maxine must be responsible. And TGZ will go free. Which is probably something Maxine doesn’t want.

A minor point: on page 6 the description reads, “Maxine kicks at the trapdoor switch but it doesn’t work.” In reality, it was Davina doing the kicking, so maybe change “Maxine” to “The Woman.” And does the wording “This Hallowed Eve…” on a poster really make this a Halloween story?

Being a huge fan of The Prestige I really liked this. Is it horror though? Not sure.

The villain you pulled off was pretty good and I didn't guess until the end. Seems like you needed a few more pages to wrap up the storyline a bit more such as if Maxine's plan was a crime of passion, or was it the money, or both, and would she know that she may eventually get caught (assuming they do DNA testing)?

Overall though, no real faults. Ticks all the boxes (if maybe a little light on the Halloween stuff).

Great script you have here, Al... the win was inevitable. I guessed this as you because I remember the last time you came out of nowhere and ate up the competition and the style wasn't quite like that of the other regs.

You're a great writer, congrats on the win!

Quoted from Warren Great script you have here, Al... the win was inevitable. I guessed this as you because I remember the last time you came out of nowhere and ate up the competition and the style wasn't quite like that of the other regs. You're a great writer, congrats on the win!

Cheers mate. I’ll disappear for another year and then come back for another OWC. By then everyone will have forgotten how I write lol.

Thanks everyone who added some good notes. I wasn't going to enter this OWC because I find good villains are notoriously difficult to write (especially "evil" ones) so the idea for this tale didn't come to me until late Wednesday night which meant I had two days to bash it out. To tell this story right, it needed to be longer and the first draft was around 15 pages and had more details surrounding Maxine's plan, which some picked up on as a little unclear.

Quoted from Spqr But was the reason for Maxine setting up The Great Zantini for Davina�s death was to get back at him for abusing her? Or was the reason Davina had to die was because she was having an affair with Chad, the same as Maxine was?

It really was Maxine just wanting to get the hell out of Dodge and far away from Zantini, and seeing the last night of his show (a cash only one at that) as the opportunity to hatch her master plan and take some of the money with her. The thing with Chad and Davina: Maxine was using Chad to help her so was likely having a bit of an affair with him beforehand, and when she saw what was going on with him and Davina that gave her the final idea on using her for the switcheroo. She sees her coming out of the backroom with Chad, and then in the dressing room she sizes her up and down, not just because she reminded her of her younger self, but also because that's the moment she realizes she could be her "double".

Quoted from Spqr The problem is that once the cops find Chad dead, and that the DNA matches that of Davina, they�ll know that the missing Maxine must be responsible. And TGZ will go free. Which is probably something Maxine doesn�t want.

I actually did a bit of research on this and typically DNA will not be collected in "workplace accidents" where there is no crime committed, especially if there are witnesses that can ID the victim. Typically, a coroner will take finger prints and maybe dental records during an autopsy, but in cases where it's clear how victims died and accidental in nature, a coroner will not do anything more than look at the body without doing an autopsy. Also some jurisdictions won't do DNA testing unless asked for by the police.

Quoted from Spqr A minor point: on page 6 the description reads, �Maxine kicks at the trapdoor switch but it doesn�t work.� In reality, it was Davina doing the kicking, so maybe change �Maxine� to �The Woman.� And does the wording �This Hallowed Eve�� on a poster really make this a Halloween story?

Good catch and I was wondering if anyone would catch it. That has been corrected in the latest draft. I changed it to "Our glamorous assistant kicks..".

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal I particularly like the fact you included two twists. Of course, the second one you couldn't have telegraphed it any better than a Western Union message

True. I could've cut the "her eyes shift to the stack of money line" which may have telegraphed it a little less.

Quoted from LC Did not like the unorthodox use of font (or is it just Italics?) changing throughout. Either way it pulled me up and I thought: what the...? It was not easy on the eye - which imho is the purpose of using a standard (Courier) font, apart from also estimating page count to film length.

A few peeps picked on this so I wanted to address it as it was a last minute choice while doing a final pass. Typically I like to end a FLASHBACK with a "BACK TO:" but that eats up 3 lines alone. I'd seen the use of italics for flashbacks in a few pro scripts recently as it is a good space saver, and as every single edit was pushing the script above 12 pages, that seemed like a logical choice. I knew it would get called out, and I have removed it from my latest draft as I do prefer it without, but I think it's going to be something you'll see become more common going forward IMO.

Quoted from khamanna Where's the money from? The act, just one act?

Yeah. One night cash only special (if you missed it, it says so on the poster outside the theatre). Probably totally illogical in the grand scheme of things, but adding a money heist twist to a story where they only take credit cards doesn't look as cool as feeding stacks of cash into a money counting machine.

Quoted from Anon My only critique is it could be great if you landed the misdirection thing a bit more. In the end it's just poison in a glass. Perhaps if there was a flashback to her kissing his neck - misdirecting him - as she slips the poison in.

Yeah, it really just came down to saving space and page count. If I had 15 pages to work with I could've fleshed out these details more.

Quoted from bert My only complaint is ending on Maxine.  This feels like it needs one more scene. Somehow, this story needs to end on showing us Zantini totally screwed. I'm not sure this works entirely proper if you leave his story as just a dangling thread

Yep. This will be fleshed out in a longer draft for sure.

Quoted from RolandJ This was very well executed. I would think it is more than suitable for conversion to a feature film.

Working on it

Well thought up. Great premise and world. The story... wow.

Great work, Al! I really enjoyed this and see why it won. I thought I was ahead of the story mid-way through, but your misdirection got me. Congrats!

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Great work, Al! I really enjoyed this and see why it won. I thought I was ahead of the story mid-way through, but your misdirection got me. Congrats! James

Cheers mate! That means a lot that you dug it.

This was really solid, Al - great work.

I only had one minor quibble - here:

Quoted Text DETECTIVE KOVASH You know, for when you need to get your ass out of a sticky situation pronto. BDSM, domination, mummification, figging, shit like that. Everyone has one. My wife's is "Beetlejuice". But saying it three times is way too much for her. You know what I'm saying?

Was too much of a toner shifter for me - went from suspense to humor - I found it to be a bit of a hiccup.

May be just me - Really dug the writing on this one.

Quoted from eldave1 This was really solid, Al - great work. I only had one minor quibble - here: Was too much of a toner shifter for me - went from suspense to humor - I found it to be a bit of a hiccup. May be just me - Really dug the writing on this one.

Cheers mate. That's a valid quibble. I tend to gravitate towards dark humor in my writing, and it was probably a little too much as you pointed out. Another couple of drafts I would've probably ironed that out a bit.

Also, I was surprised no-body asked what figging was lol.

Quoted from Britman Cheers mate. That's a valid quibble. I tend to gravitate towards dark humor in my writing, and it was probably a little too much as you pointed out. Another couple of drafts I would've probably ironed that out a bit. Also, I was surprised no-body asked was figging was lol.

Ha! - that's right - first time I read it I read it as friggin.... didn't notice it.