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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Halloween 2021 One Week Challenge  ›  Butterfly - OWC
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  Author    Butterfly - OWC  (currently 777 views)
Don
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Butterfly by Justin Grave - A patient must convince a psychiatrist he's not a danger to society.  Short, Horror


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IamGlenn
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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Hey Writer,

Another one that's quite short. This one was pretty well written but lacked any real punch. It's pretty much one scene and a little twist at the end. I suppose it could work quite well on screen, but as part of something bigger.

Felt this one needed more.

Good luck,
Glenn.


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Zack
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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*SPOILERS*




Not bad. Short and sweet. And dark. Really like how you juxtapose Eldon's fucked up thoughts against his fake answers. Also enjoyed the implication that the psychiatrist is the true monster.

Writing is really good. No hang-ups whatsoever. Strong dialog, too.

Not much else to add. I dug it. Really strong effort here.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Zack  -  October 20th, 2021, 10:51am
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LC
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 1:03am Report to Moderator
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Haha!  His interpretations of the Rorschach tests in Voice Over, and what he actually voiced made me laugh.

Very well done. Simple and straightforward but really sinister.

Not sure what to make of the end, except given this is about super villains I'm led to think the good doctor is a kindred spirit perversely happy to unleash Mr Psychotic back into society.

After the challenge perhaps do more to expand upon this outside of the constraints. Just a bit more.

Met the brief very well.
Short and sweet in a very disturbing way.

My only quibble:
psych-ward clothes.
He's not in a straight jacket so, hmm... I get what you're going for though.

This was great! Well done.


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Yuvraj
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 8:10am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

This one is actually good considering its length. It shows the facade that people carry to the world. To fool the world. And the true inner self that they hide for the right advantageous moment. A deception that serves the best.

Decent writing with solid dialogs.

Good luck.


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ColinS
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Serve the Public Trust

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Hi Grave,

This is an excellent effort. I enjoyed our patients graphic, angry and sadistic impulses through the voice over dialogue, was well written. And the revelation at the end was well crafted and hits the criteria well - And all in 3 pages. Gotta be a contender.


"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
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RolandJ
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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The date of Oct 31 the only reference to Halloween. I  wonder---would a psych ward have decorations up--or would that have been too provocative.
The voice over was absolutely great.
Well done writer.

Revision History (1 edits)
RolandJ  -  October 18th, 2021, 6:07pm
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 2:48am Report to Moderator
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This is excellent, and not just because it is so short!

Great job, ticks all the parameters. The Halloween link is really tenuous but I will forgive. This one would make a great short film and would be really cheap to produce.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Anon
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 4:57am Report to Moderator
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Simple and sinister - this is a good little story and nothing to complain about writing-wise. You should shoot this one, if you're that way inclined. The only thing I'd mention is perhaps sticking the landing of the evil reversal at the end - just to make it absolutely clear.

Maybe we should see her shredding the images she showed him, or swapping them out for ones that are innocent. It could be done a number of ways. It just might be worth getting that extra shot or two so you have the option when editing. As mentioned before - really cheap to produce.
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SAC
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 10:55am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

This didn't really read as horror, except for the last image of the test. I think Eldon's responses were more comical, in a very dark way, than horrifying, and if this were filmed (and it just might be) the audience response may be the same. Overall? Very, very good. A solid entry!

Steve


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irish eyes
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Wow pretty short but effective none the less.

Great writing on hand and could easily be filmed.. One room, one scene, 2 characters

I liked his interpretation against his voice inside his head.

Good entry


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Britman
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this. Short and sweet. Speaks to my inner macabre. Well written. Easy to film.

If I was filming this, I would maybe add a shot at the end where the doctor tosses all the cards on the table and we do a slow push in to them fanned out and see what they really are. Cut to black.

Nice job.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one, and well written too.

Sure it's short, but I think that brevity makes this very filmable.

Good job!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dukeman42
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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This one is pretty unnerving. The ending is a bit too obscure, I think, as based on the prose I'm left wondering what the psychiatrist's intentions are. Solidify that a little bit and it'll be there.

I hope things are going well with your therapist
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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G'day Writer

Another great one - the contract between his thoughts and answers are nice. Short and sweet, really enjoyed it.

Not sure how it fits the brief though.

Easily filmable as well, hope it gets snapped up.


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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PKCardinal
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Creepy. But, that's the point, right? I mean, it's a Halloween challenge.

It took me a minute for the thought to form (as I was so focused on the patient)... but, once I realized that this psychiatrist is seeding their patient's thoughts with evil imagery... yikes. Talk about taking it to another level.

Good job.


PaulKWrites.com

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Spqr
Posted: October 21st, 2021, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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Eldon thinks he’s fooling the psychiatrist, but the shrink is manipulating him to continue his killing ways once he’s released from the nuthouse. Would have liked to see Eldon restart his killing by dismantling the shrink. Very good script, but where is the Halloween aspect?
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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2021, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, great writing and really effective.

Nice story and - great job on a villain.

This one thoroughly worked for me.

Nice job!!
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