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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Halloween 2021 One Week Challenge  ›  Just another day in NYC - OWC
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  Author    Just another day in NYC - OWC  (currently 615 views)
Don
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Just another day in NYC by Professor James Moriarty - A Senator, who feels he was setup gets pushed to the edge.. literally!  Short, Drama, Dark Comedy


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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LC
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Re your logline, it needs a bit of a revamp imho.  
You don't need the comma after senator.

A crowd has gathered outside of a tall building, to watch
what looks like a suicide attempt.

Just write what we see - a man teetering on the edge of a high-rise building.
Or: A 'jumper' on the top floor...

Lower case for parenthetical:
(To Malley)
(to Malley)

I get this is probably for misdirection:
OFFICER MALLEY
You would be... A crack whore!
- But that line was just out of place and jarring for me. She's in costume for Halloween.

Malley smiles a smile only a Mother could love and even that
pushes it.

Odd line. It's typically 'a face only a mother could love', but don't mind me.

Some nice humorous touches:

That`s a nice watch, but your wife
cheating on you, not a good reason
for suicide if you ask me. Sometimes
it's a celebration


Jessie?

Walker is Cinderella with a Rolex watch.  

Your villain meets the brief. Good guy is bad guy in cahoots with damsel feigning distress.
But, my main takeaway is no-one is really likeable.
Would be better (imho) if Walker is handsome, charismatic and charming.

A mixed bag for me.


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Anon
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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This could do with a shot of realism to make it more compelling. The cops are wisecracking and not giving a shit - obviously villains - but if they acted with more compassion or genuine (but turns out fake) concern - this would have more impact.

Some good dialogue though, and we’ll put together.

As mentioned before the crack whore comment took me out of it.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Hi writer,

I enjoyed this one for the most part. Thought it was quite well written and the twist really got me in the end. I've read it again, and maybe I should've seen it coming. But, good job on that. Good villains too.

Nice one!

Good luck,
Glenn.


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RolandJ
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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What happened to Halloween? If the characters hadn't mention it, I never would've known. Maybe I'm too jaded with police procedurals. Or maybe MARVAL films.
Writing was ok. No problem there.

Revision History (1 edits)
RolandJ  -  October 18th, 2021, 6:05pm
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 2:44am Report to Moderator
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Due to the nature of this OWC and the way the cops were acting, I kinda guessed where this was heading but I still enjoyed it anyway. As mentioned in one of the comments above, if you wanted to misdirect the audience more you could have the cops being nicer, more professional but then maybe it wouldn't be as entertaining.

A good read that covers the parameter adequately.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed it for the most part - the dialogue felt a little forced for my liking, didn't get many laughs from it.

I had to suspend my disbelief, but once I did, I enjoyed it a lot more.



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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SAC
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 11:23am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

HaHa! Nice twist at the end! Do people still double-space after periods? Asking for a friend. Anyway. I liked this because it didn't take itself too seriously. At all, really. Typos and stuff, yeah, but I'm sure you were pressed for time. Not really much to do with Halloween, eh? I would have liked more banter between Clint and the Officer -- a missed opportunity, I think. Some funny interactions in there, but you could have made this so much funnier. At least that's the route I'd have taken. Overall...

Pretty good work, but more time in on this one could have really made it shine!

Steve


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Yuvraj
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Who is Jessie? No intro.

This is written decently with a good plot and fast, witty dialog. So, they are ganged up against the Senator so that Sarah gets a successful run as the Senator. Good plot.

Good luck.


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khamanna
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it but it's missing something.

A twist and bad guys win - that's never too appealing. To me at least.

I guess that's waht it's missing - the good guys to win. You see, I can root for the bad but in this case I didn't. So that's what it's missing.

And what's the motivation for him to promote his sister anyway?
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irish eyes
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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This was entertaining for me from start to finish.

There were a few typos around, but read pretty easy.

I liked the cops playing off each other and it was one big scheme.. including Renee.

Nice twist for sure.

Overall a good entry


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ColinS
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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Serve the Public Trust

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Hi there,

I did enjoy reading this one. Good dynamic writing, easy to follow.
Loving the humorous dialogue - 'I could design software quicker than Mark Zukernut could shit' lol. Though I couldn't always tell Malley and Walker apart, they felt very similar in dialogue and action.

The Jessie thing took me out of the story a bit. Had to track back and see if I had missed his/her introduction. Was this just a mistake - Was Jessie supposed to be Rennie? Also Rennie is detailed as gorgeous but her face is concealed by a mask?

Sorry enough criticism - still enjoyed reading this one, good entry.


"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."

Revision History (1 edits)
ColinS  -  October 19th, 2021, 9:35am
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Britman
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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This was decent, writer knows how to write, but yet felt a bit rushed. Another draft or two would clean a few things up.

What's with the reversed apostrophe? Weird.

A decent twist at the end. Didn't get much Halloween vibes from it.

Overall, I liked it. One of the strongest entries.


Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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I assume Renee was Jessie in an earlier draft of the script?

I think the tone was off a little for me as it sort of fell between two stools with comedy and drama.

As a comedy I felt it needed more, and as a drama it would need to be played starighter.

Imho it would work better with the twist reveal as a drama, but that's just me.

Anyways, still liked this one overall.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dukeman42
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting relationships. Be careful that a renamed character is renamed through the entire script. Prose should, by an large, always be in present tense.

I think I get where the plot stands: a crime of passion disguised as a suicide. Character behavior starting on page 2 got a little out of hand for me. If Walker was smart enough to help orchestrate a smear campaign, he'd be smart enough to avoid contact with his lover (in fact, going a little too far to avoid contact which would be a tell in itself).
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