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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Halloween 2021 One Week Challenge  ›  Just another day in NYC - OWC
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  Author    Just another day in NYC - OWC  (currently 617 views)
PKCardinal
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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This one, for whatever reason, never hit for me. Maybe because I was immediately swamped with having to distinguish between two characters (the cops) who felt exactly the same. By the end of page one, I had already made the decision to ignore which cop was speaking when, simply because I couldn't tell them apart.

Follow that up on page 2 and 3 with your treatment of the Renee character and I was mentally out. I guess once you lost me, I never wanted to put the work in to get back in. It's probably too bad for me, because now that I read the other reviews, I'm obviously in the minority.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Zack
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Bland title and messy logline.

Some really clunky character introductions. This clunkiness seems to persist as I read on...

The dialog isn't any better. Extremely stilted and awkward. Read it out loud, you'll see what I mean.

It's never a good sign if I'm starting to skim on the very first page.

And I've completely tuned out on page 3. People don't talk like this. Sorry, but it'd incredibly distracting.

The twist is decent, but it's held back by the poor writing and characters. With a good rewrite to iron out the kinks, you might have something good here.

Good job getting something in for the challenge.
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Spqr
Posted: October 21st, 2021, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Good story, if a little convoluted. It seemed to me that the main reason for eliminating Senator Moore is so Officer Walker’s sister can have an easy run for Moore’s senate seat. Moore’s death also clears the way for Walker and Renee to continue their fling. So did Walker make Renee’s acquaintance as part of his plan to get her to betray her husband? Or were they already involved when his sister decided to run for the senate? This second reason is way too coincidental. And the first reason is too much of a longshot to work. Maybe a simpler motivation, like wanting to get rid of the husband so Walker and Renee can move their relationship to the next level, would work better.

There are also a couple of inconsistencies:
Page 2, Walker is “transfixed” at the sight of Renee as if he’s never seen her before, and
Page 3, Renee suddenly becomes Jessie.
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