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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Halloween 2021 One Week Challenge  ›  Place Your Seatbacks and Tray Tables ... - OWC
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  Author    Place Your Seatbacks and Tray Tables ... - OWC  (currently 1232 views)
Spqr
Posted: October 21st, 2021, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Setting up a Middle Easterner, Farouk, to be a terrorist seemed like the height of clichedom, until it turned out he was just a distraction, not the real terrorist. Having him go ragenuts gave Elaine the opportunity to convince Marvin, the captain, to drop the plane down to a lower altitude, which supposedly would somehow help calm Farouk down.

Having saved the day, makes it easier for Elaine to talk her way into the cabin, where she proceeds to kill both pilots. She then jumps out of the airplane, now flying at a lower, more survivable, altitude.

The problem with the story is that no way does Elaine get into the cockpit unless it’s an emergency. And the only way it’s an emergency is if Farouk makes his play. But how could Elaine depend on him to go nuts at just the right time? Does she control him in some way? Another thing: she dooms the plane and all it’s passengers “Just because I could,” isn’t going to fly in Hollywood or anywhere else.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 22nd, 2021, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer,

This one started pretty shakily for me. A lot of -ing endings in the action lines, on the nose dialogue and characters introduced oddly. You gave them personality traits when introducing. Show, don't tell.

Overall, nice build up but the payoff doesn't land. The villain is a villain but with absolutely no reasoning behind it, it's hard to get behind. Lots of characters too for a 12 page story. The villain could've been literally anyone on the plane and the ending would've had similar impact.

Good luck,
Glenn


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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2021, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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This one had too many characters, a lot of unnecessary dialog, and characters that didn't make sense to me.
I'm really sorry to be this harsh. It might be that Faroukh character, he was agravating.

It didn't work for me, the set up, the story, sorry to say.

It's a good exercise and you came up with something as opposed to me though, so very good on that.

And the writing itself was good, that's important. You know your tools.
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