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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Halloween 2021 One Week Challenge  ›  Toil And Trouble - OWC
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  Author    Toil And Trouble - OWC  (currently 1252 views)
Don
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Toil And Trouble by Broom Hilda - An aging man's first Halloween without his wife turns out to be his last -- in spectacular fashion.  Short, Horror


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Zack
Posted: October 16th, 2021, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this one a lot!

A few typos, but otherwise the writing flowed nice. Saw everything you wanted me to. You created a cool, ominous atmosphere that I really dug.

Awesome story. Dark... Like super dark. My kinda dark. Lol Some really great and brutal visuals. Some creepy stuff, too. The Witch standing by the tree stump... In hindsight, that short sequence goes from creepy to shit-your-pants scary.

*SPOILERS*



Tom's "big scene" didn't disappoint. That entire sequence of him losing his shit was just amazing! Brutal stuff!

Not much else to say. This one worked for me on just about every level. Great work.

Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Zack  -  October 17th, 2021, 1:00am
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irish eyes
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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First of the bunch!!!

Really enjoyed this script.

Excellent writing on hand.  Met all the parameters.

Loved this line "Her smile, framed by that midnight hair, reveals how deliciously evil and terribly attractive she is."

Well done writer.


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Anon
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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This one was written pretty well although the dialogue was a bit on the nose at time like the 'I could have just arrested him' bit.

I think this is a really good concept and idea but the information is presented in the wrong order. If there's a child killer mystery to solve - this should be set up and some tension built. Not mentioned as a quick explanation at the end (unless I missed something).

The rogue cop teaming up with a witch to dispense vigilante justice is cool. So much so, I think this could be good without it being the twist. Just the cop and the witch trying to get their mark.

All in all one of the stronger ones so far for me.
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khamanna
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
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The story is all there. It was easy to read and everything - so nice job on that.

I thought that the reveal was rushed. Based on the way you presented it to us it's hard for me to buy into Toms motivation to off himself. Isn't he some sort of a maniac? They don't have much remorse, I don't think.

Amy was introduced far late into the story.

The beginning of the story was too long I think. It's for the sake of misguidance, but I think you could get away with a half of it.

Good job overall
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RolandJ
Posted: October 17th, 2021, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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Met the Halloween protocol. But a well written piece overall. Interesting premise.
But this is one of the better ones and might be up for top dog when the votes come in.
Good job writer.

Revision History (1 edits)
RolandJ  -  October 18th, 2021, 5:53pm
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 5:50am Report to Moderator
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I liked this and it ticks all the boxes. I don't think I've ever seen anyone rip off their own head before in a movie, that was powerful stuff. There are just some gaps which could be easily fixed in the next draft.

It seems to me that Amy doesn't need Brad at all. She tells Brad who the next mark is going to be, she kills them in spectacular fashion. What is Brad's role in this partnership? I think that's the biggest problem I had with this. At least make it so he picks out the next mark from some unsolved crime cases.

Brad seems to know Tom well, like they are buddies who have been friends for a long time. We don't even know Brad is a cop until much later on. I think you need to establish this earlier and setup that he's investigating some missing kids or something, as it comes out of left field.

Why are they both living near their mark? Do they do this every time? That seems to be an expensive method and one that will leave a very obvious trail for anyone who looks into these bizarre suicides.

Brad says she didn't need to do what she did, he had evidence. The flashbacks don't show what evidence and we don't see Brad doing any investigation work, we just see Tom's crimes. Are these two out for justice where the crimes are brought to light or just murdering people who have gotten away with murder? I think the problem here is because we haven't seen Brad doing anything other than talk to Tom like a supportive friend, you have to tell us in the dialogue, it sounds unnatural and leaves questions.

All minor quibbles though. This was well done.




For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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SAC
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 11:05am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Def one of the more creative deaths I've read, so good one that. I think your misdirection may have misdirected -- if I'm reading this right, I'm seeing Tom as the real villain here, yes? After all, he was the one who did those deeds. Like to hear your explanation after the challenge. Anyways...

Tight read and easy to follow. Not much else to say. Very good effort here!

Steve


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ColinS
Posted: October 18th, 2021, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Serve the Public Trust

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Hey Broom Hilda,

Well that was a wonderfully written entrancing read. Enjoyed the creepy witch kid - Guess a cursor for things to come. Tom's death scene was epic, could really visualise that, loved it!

I guess, seeing as we're here to criticise the shit out of each other - I don't really know who the really evil character was suppose to be. Was it Tom for being a despicable person? Brad for being a voodoo doll using copper? Or Amy for presumably being a witch?

Anyway who cares, cracking effort - Good luck.


"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
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Britman
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 7:57am Report to Moderator
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Well written. Fits the parameters of the OWC. The concept and story is good.

Just one issue I had and that was that the opening scene does not match the story IMO. Brad being a cop, who was already investigating Tom, came a little out of left field, so much so I had to go back and read the first couple of pages to make sure I didn't miss anything. And the fact they lived next to each other, and had know each other and even seemed like best friends, did not line up with Brad's reaction at the reveal. However, I think if you re-wrote the first couple of pages and came up with a different angle on Brad's involvement, this would work much better.

Overall though a good entry.




Producer/Director of The Dollmaker by Matias Caruso
Producer/Director of So Pretty/Dark by James Williams
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Yuvraj
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

The anon name hints at one of Tarantino's films which is cool.

The story is good enough but, it needs a fair share of rewriting to tie up loose ends. There are plot points that are not properly linked and some are not even linked as per to say. Some logical issues like - Why the Witch(Amy) needs Brad in the first place if she is capable of killing her targets remotely? And what exactly is Brad trying to investigate here? Why did Tom kill her wife? Are Tom and Brad close friends? From the dialog exchange between them, it sure does sound like that.

The story needs clarity to fill in the gaps.

Good luck.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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This is well written and the story clicks along at a good pace.

Decap scene, inc Teen reactions would be awesome on film/

But, there are logic issues with the story that could be fixed up with some tweaking.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dukeman42
Posted: October 19th, 2021, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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I dig this. I *love* a story that makes me recoil from violence, only to later approve of it when new shit comes to light

A couple suggestions with the space that was left: establish a bit more foreshadowing or plot details earlier, especially when Tom's alone (some clue to his true nature). Really set the hook with the flashback scene on page 7. The earlier subtlety did its job. Now's the time to make it clear who's who, and really turn the audience.

Well done.
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LC
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 1:23am Report to Moderator
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In making the 'true villain' (the least likely suspect to be villain) appear innocent, it seems you just kept her out of the picture.
Amy's POV (eyes) appears page 3, but then her role doesn't really surface fully until page 6.

But then Tom's the real villain... And he's the least likely suspect too - until the end.

By the end of the piece we're led to believe Amy is in fact working with Brad all along? Yet when he knocks on her door he announces his name and shows his ID... Brad obviously suspects her as being up to no good.

Okay, paint me a bit confused. I didn't notice any flashbacks in scenes, (except that revealing Tom's evil deeds) yet there seems to be an established working relationship by the end...and an intimate relationship developing too between Amy & Brad?

Perhaps if Chrissy and Amy were friends and Brad's file was left on the table? That might confuse things even more in a good way.  

Write a really good, very evil villain, but they must be someone no one would suspect (until the end).
As with a few of these it becomes a question of the audience/reader v the characters least suspecting?

Anyway...
The decapitation scene was shocking. Echoes of Birdbox & The Happening for me there, although in this case we know the magic comes at the hands of good old fashioned witchcraft, so a bit of fun there.

The highlight for me was the voodoo doll. They're so darned creepy. Loved that!

Bit of hit and miss for me with this draft.
That said, you had me enthralled all the way.


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PKCardinal
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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The highlight, of course, was Tom's death. Yikes.

Good misdirect with the little kid witch. I was waiting for a payoff on that one. But, it came in the form of an adult witch.

I'm not a fan of the misdirect with Brad seeming to be friends with Tom. It didn't fit the story, once we knew the entire plot.

All in all: Good stuff that will sing once some of the other reviewer's suggestions are implemented.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
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Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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PKCardinal
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw

It seems to me that Amy doesn't need Brad at all. She tells Brad who the next mark is going to be, she kills them in spectacular fashion. What is Brad's role in this partnership? I think that's the biggest problem I had with this. At least make it so he picks out the next mark from some unsolved crime cases.


Not my script, and I had to go back for a re-read. But, that's in there. Page 7.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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PKCardinal
Posted: October 20th, 2021, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ColinS


I guess, seeing as we're here to criticise the shit out of each other -


Welcome to the OWC! Yes. That's what we do. Fun, ain't it?

But, you'll notice over time... we're all slowly becoming better writers. You seem to be embracing things... that's a really good sign!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Spqr
Posted: October 21st, 2021, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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Tom turning out to be a scumbag was a surprise. The Brad-Amy pairing was very nice. He has her kill in the name of justice, and she does because she enjoys it. A twisted version of good cop-bad cop. Having Tom rip off his own head was very cool. A solid piece of writing.
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IamGlenn
Posted: October 22nd, 2021, 5:25am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Hi Writer,

Liked this one a lot. Meets all the requirements, well written and in the end pretty dark stuff. All things considered, one of my favourites. Really good stuff.

Good luck,
Glenn


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 22nd, 2021, 5:28am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Really good writing, great story with some nice gore for good measure.

Guess you threw in 2 unexpected villains lol but if Tom is a monster, not sure why Brad would want to sit with him and be all friendly and share a drink.

I think the opening conversation between the two needs something, I don't know what though. Something to add a little intrigue, or, when the twist is revealed we go "Ooooh, that's what that was about"

Overall though this is good work






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Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
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2) Fix it
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