I thought the best part of this story was the originality of the concept...until I saw that youtube video.  Uh, you pretty much took someone else's character and concept and changed it a bit to fit into this OWC.  You should at least acknowledge that on your title page or logline.

The story was very confusing and I had no real idea what was going on.  Also a lot of unnecessary dialogue, IMO.  Just seemed you needed to clarify the action and the story more.

I think it's okay to use this idea since that movie (titled Morozko) and many other Russian movies based it on a folk story. A Russian folk story about BabaYaga, a witch who can fly, who is quirky and funny and likes roasted human and lives in a house on chicken legs.

So anyone can use it I think.

Using an old folk tale is no problem, although I wish it was made clear to me before I read the script that the main character and concept are based on previously published material.   I was just disappointed when I found out the parts of this story I liked the most seem to have come from another source.  

Oh, okay.

It's like someone trying to adapt Hansel and Gretel story, and there are many adaptation of it and other stories out there...

But I get what you're saying.

Good, original idea with some very nice, surreal visuals.

I thought the main thing that let the script down was the writing style. I don't know if it's due to writing this in a rush but I found quite a few errors that made the script a little hard to follow and also made it drag a bit. I'll look for some examples for you.

Your second paragraph on page 1 - 'Flashes of lightning shines throughout the room he is in.'
I don't think you need that sentence. Why not just -
FLASH of lightning reveals AARON ARIES...'
I would also introduce him then as if you're only revealing he's gagged then, that's the first time we're seeing him, right?

On page 4 you keep saying 'reaches out' 'extends out'. You can lose the 'out' part.

It might sound petty and maybe it's just me but I'm just trying to find reasons for why this was a slow read for me. It's a good idea and probably the most original concept so far that I've read from the OWC scripts.

Ste

This script was very interesting for me.

The scene with him sliding around in the wheelchair slaming against the walls was funny to me. That is sick, I know, but I cannot get the image out of my head of him sliding across the room as it is being rocketed skywards and him pin balling around the room.

Even now I am laughing.

The story itself kinda lost me. The writing was fine but a little beyond me.

Shawn.....><

Quoted from khamanna I grew up listening and watching BabaYaga stories. BabaYaga lives in a special house. Her house stands on two chicken legs which allow it to move in any direction. pumpkins and pumpkin seed - doesn't mix with BabaYaga for me, but guess it's just me.

Quoted from Ryan1 I thought the best part of this story was the originality of the concept...until I saw that youtube video.  Uh, you pretty much took someone else's character and concept and changed it a bit to fit into this OWC.  You should at least acknowledge that on your title page or logline.

I didn't really think this would have come up , but since it has, the folk tales of Baba Yaga are public domain. I did not "rip off" any film, long or short, foreign or domestic. In fact, I haven't seen them. I didn't even see that clip until today. I wanted to use a folklore character, and make it my own and my own visuals. More on this in a moment.

While I included some of the mythology, I didn't want to use too much of it. I wanted to adapt it, and make it my own. Other writers have also added a few new details and twists. It also is apparent that the mythos I did include is going right over people's heads - except for those who know of the folklore. What is more positive are the "new" elements to make it my own. I don't mind a criticism or two about it either- if folks want to look at this as an adaptation, so be it. When a "X-Men" movie comes out, comic book fans are quick to point out problems when an adaptation strays away from the source material. Sometimes it is fair game, sometimes not. But it happens. I know I can't please everyone. That's alright.

But let me get this right. On this site, we have how many "fan fiction scripts"? Scripts written good or bad concerning characters and stories that are not in the public domain and are under copyright? And they are given a pass- but I take a public domain folk tale, update and adapt it (if you want to see it that way)  and I'm charged with high treason?

I don't play that game. I know that's not a huge concern, and I'm not going to put a disclaimer on the script in any revision, but I simply don't want this to become a discussion of "did I or didn't I"? If anything, the guides also suggested to have some fun with the OWC, so, in essense, this is harmless and infringes on no one.

This story read and felt like a ride at Disneyland.  With all the moving parts and sliding around, I couldn't see it any other way.  The story was difficult for me to follow.  As others have noted, the story seems rooted in visuals and if filmed, visual effects, and not so much in story.

I might be the only one, but I liked the bit of dialogue in which Baba Yaga talks about free will and when Aaron and his friends were younger.  I liked that grounding in reality.  I thought that, plus maybe a connection to Jill, could create a stronger sense of direction. Such as, Aaron, Jill and others when they were young making some pact, or trespassing in the hut.  That could be the catalyst for his/her predicament all these years later.
Maybe I missed some key elements and if so, sorry about that.

I think you have a visual writing style, but in a script it could read as "wordy."  Shave off some of the description and go for a bit more story.  Clarify and maybe flesh out Aaron's character to give the better understanding of why this is happening to him.
For a OWC, good effort.

Was blown away by this. Loved it. Wasn't much of a story, But it was interesting as hell.

Ryan, Gotta side with Khammana here. Would be like us writing about Bigfoot. Or Loch Ness. There's no copyright to old folklore.

With that said, The story lost punch for me, because, I didn't know it wasn't all your idea. How much, if it were just the walking house you borrowed, the main chracter,  and wrote the entire script originally... I really liked it. So long as its not based off a particular short story written by someone else, I think you did real good here.

James

No one's charging you with high treason, Darren.  I was just disappointed to learn the character of Baba Yaga and the whole walking house thing, the parts of your script that I loved,  weren't your ideas.  Perhaps I went too far in saying you should say that's it based on a folk tale, but I was totally caught by surprise when I read the other posts sayng they were familiar with the tale.  So, didn't mean to accuse you of anything. Sorry if it came off that way.

Relax, Darren.  Everything's cool...

Quoted from jwent6688 Ryan, Gotta side with Khammana here. Would be like us writing about Bigfoot. Or Loch Ness. There's no copyright to old folklore. With that said, The story lost punch for me, because, I didn't know it wasn't all your idea. How much, if it were just the walking house you borrowed, the main character,  and wrote the entire script originally... I really liked it. So long as its not based off a particular short story written by someone else, I think you did real good here.

Thanks for reading, James.

But it is not based on a short story or script by anyone else. (The coincidence of a fella in a wheelchair would be a find!) The general characteristics of Baba Yaga and the folklore are indeed present. In fact I even rewrote some of the ending due to it and re-submitted it before the deadline  (The exterior of the house- it isn't "exactly" giant chicken legs, but close enough; but I felt like I had to show it) But it is what I do with it that matters.

Generally, everything and anything not connected to the Baba Yaga folklore is "new" material. Factor in the requirements of the OWC, and we are talking around 90%.

Quoted from Ledbetter The scene with him sliding around in the wheelchair slaming against the walls was funny to me. That is sick, I know, but I cannot get the image out of my head of him sliding across the room as it is being rocketed skywards and him pin balling around the room.

Thanks for the read, Shawn. I guess some of Sam Raimi's "Evil Dead" films really gave me more inspiration than I thought they would lol

This is quite interesting and surreal. Minus the blood, I can see this as a fantasy/family horror.

The imageries you've described are intriguing. The human body becomes food: the hands like crackers, the nose like crumbs, the arms filled with pumpkinseeds. It'll work well on the screen.

Your first page is excellent. The tone and the setting is perfect. However, as I read along, I didn't know too much about Baba Yaga, why she picked Aaron as her victim, why she make food from humans. Is there a reason why she needs his flesh and soul?

I also didn't get why Aaron suddenly knows the witch's name. He then blunt out rules for the witch, so he seemed to be well-informed about them. I still didn't understand the relationship between Aaron the the witch.

Very good visual. But I hope you can rewrite this to give us more information as to what's going on.


Herman

This was definitely a script meant for strong visual quality. I am a little disappointed that you didn't come up with the walking house thing and the character of Baba Yaga yourself. Also, I had a problem trying to read her dialogue because I kept on hearing it in a stereotypical witch's voice, making this feel more comical and horrific. You did well with the requirements for this OWC but there are obviously going to be issues people are going to have with this script. Good job, regardless.

-Trent