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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Pumpkinseeds - OWC
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  Author    Pumpkinseeds - OWC  (currently 6450 views)
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Coding Herman
This is quite interesting and surreal. Minus the blood, I can see this as a fantasy/family horror.

The imageries you've described are intriguing. The human body becomes food: the hands like crackers, the nose like crumbs, the arms filled with pumpkinseeds. It'll work well on the screen.

Your first page is excellent. The tone and the setting is perfect. However, as I read along, I didn't know too much about Baba Yaga, why she picked Aaron as her victim, why she make food from humans. Is there a reason why she needs his flesh and soul?

I also didn't get why Aaron suddenly knows the witch's name. He then blunt out rules for the witch, so he seemed to be well-informed about them. I still didn't understand the relationship between Aaron the the witch.

Very good visual. But I hope you can rewrite this to give us more information as to what's going on.





I am, as I write this, re-writing the script to add a few more details. Some of the suggestions are being considered as well. Three suggestions, including one of your own, may in fact influence the possible future of the script.

Thanks for reading.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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James McClung
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren.

I'm actually quite familiar with the Baba Yaga Bony Legs folklore. It's great stuff and was the sole reason I decided to check out your script. I was impressed that not only did you have the basics of the legend down pat, you brought your own interpretation to it and a lot of other stuff that clearly came directly from you.

The imagery was great. No doubt about that. The story? Not so much. I liked Baba Yaga's dialogue but Aaron didn't do much other than sit there and be helpless. Also, the third character, William, seems to be a nonentity pretty much. I had to reread the section of him in the oven a couple times to realize what was going on. In any case, he was pretty useless. I guess he showed the fate Aaron was to endure but he did little other than make an appearance.

Anyway, I'll give you the biggest kudos for your choice of mythos but also for figuring something interesting out to do with your female character. The other scripts I've read have placed them in more or less submissive or secondary roles, which frankly, I expected.

Not bad, I suppose. I think the weaker elements are balanced out by the strong but there's no reason why you shouldn't come back to this one and fix some things.


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Scoob
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Darren,

Wow. I was blown away by the opening page. Completly sucked me in with the visuals.
By page 6, I'm still enjoying the visual aspect, Baba Yago's dialogue but not too sure where it's all headed. To break Aaron's spirit I guess.
Love the Gingerbread man, ha! Feels like Return To Oz on acid.
This was so different to what I've read so far I have to give you credit for being so creative and original.
The only negative I found was I had to re-read a couple of lines again - but that's probably more down to me trying to adjust and visualize the whole fantasy theme. The font seemed a little out of funk?

Great job, and pretty darn refreshing!

Malc



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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scoob
Hi Darren,

The font seemed a little out of funk?





Thanks for the read, Scoob.
The font face is 12-point courier (Final Draft), it is not bolded. However, it could be due to a PDF translation as well.  Still, this matter does seem to be noteworthy. I'll double and triple check the issue shortly, as I'm now no longer constrained by OWC and in the process of rewriting and expanding.







"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren,

I'm unfamiliar with this myth but I found the idea to be interesting and crazy in a good way. Based on your descriptions, it reminds me of a script on these boards where the whole story takes place in a drug enduced dream, If I recall. lol. Very vivid.  I had to re-read it again. Maybe work on clariyfing this a bit.  But other than, very interesting.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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bert
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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I did enjoy your unique spin on this challenge, though personally, I was not familiar with the legend.  A quick Google brings one up to speed, however.  The idea of turning into some sort of food while still alive is a particularly gruesome one, appealing to the child-like elements of the fantasy going on here.  As a barrier to production, however, I would also note that this is quite heavy on effects for a short, and is well beyond the means of most independent filmmakers.

Speaking broadly, I would work to make this piece more accessible to those unfamiliar with the legend.  Aaron seems pretty familiar with the rules of the game, and you might consider having him spell things out for us a bit more explicitly at times.  You also have Aaron state, "I don't know who you are...", but indeed he does, and better for the story should he have full knowledge of what he is up against.  Aaron vs. the Baba Yaga, right from the get-go -- that is your conflict.  "I know who you are...", he should say.

I would not have Baba Yaga mention William, nor would I have Aaron know he is even around.  The part William has to play is so brief, but effective, and because it is so brief, better that William is just some random victim.  One more horror thrown into the mix for Aaron to endure, but gone as quickly as he appears.

The dialogue is quite good throughout, but when Aaron speaks of his accident, this feels like clunky exposition.  Baba Yaga is the one who should deliver this backstory.  She already knows it.  She confronts Aaron with it -- taunts him with the truth of his situation -- and thereby creates more tension in this exchange.

I found the action at the end a bit confusing, where he rushes the door, it crushes him, and he becomes a pumpkin of sorts.  This section could use a bit more clarity, or perhaps you could accomplish your storytelling goals through more subtle means.  I can see you were going for the big finish, but it also seems a bit over-the-top given the remainder of the tale.  This is where the effects move from "maybe this can be done" into the "no way" realm, outside of breaking the bank.  

And Aaron's lack of purity is never fully explained.  Perhaps Baba can provide a little information in that regard, as opposed to simply stating it as fact.

I did like your story, and the style in which you told it.  I wonder if you could have an eye towards a potential budget while still keeping the heart of this story intact.  It would be a shame to lose the more fanciful aspects to this tale, but in its current form, it serves more as a sample of your writing than something a burgeoning filmmaker is likely to consider, outside of animation.  Something to think about, at any rate.

Let me know if any of this is not clear, or if questions linger.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the read, Bert.

In my rewriting, I am, in fact, addressing some of these issues that you bring up. Since I'm also expanding it, I still am going to keep some of the crazy stuff---because things will get crazier. If this were made as a low budget feature, I'm positive the majority of the gags can be done on a low budget. (Anyone got a gimble to spare?   ) but to a average film student looking for a project with 20 dollars in his wallet? Not so much.

Again, thanks again for the bullet points. I'll take it under consideration.

-DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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RayW
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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1 - Story: Vary interesting. Fantastic. Loved it. Of all things arbitrary in life, AARON AREIS reads pretty ugly, though.
2 - Filmable & Budget: The moving house CGI will cost a lot and the set would have to be custom built, but this should be very visually appealing with a fair budget. Low budget would look like sh!te.
3 - Horror & Audience: Definitely horror! PG-13 or R, broad audience that would love this. Followed directions pretty well. Although technically in an abandoned house, you couldn't very well take your cast and crew to you local road-side abandoned house to film... any of this. Date reference is eve of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samhain.
4 - Technicals & Format: Unfilmable "it is a complete unseen miracle on how the place still stands without caving in". (pause) should be (beat), if not ellipsis. Few typos. Occasional lines that could be restated with fewer words. I don't mind a "dense" script, but a lot of folks get "eyeball constipation" over it.
5 - Title & Logline: Someone's gonna bust your b@lls over the underlining, large point size and tinkering with the copyright line. Title does make sense for the story told. Friend needs more play in story to be featured in the logline.
General Comments:
A - Some things just don't gee-haw together, like moonbeams during a thunderstorm.
B - Weeny little things, like "... pulls out a huge human femur bone out of a corner...". Strike that first "out" and re-read that passage.
C - The chocolate skin thing was pretty darn creepy!
D - Failed to set up why or how Aaron was able to control the house.
E - It would make a fantastic (albeit expensive) proof of concept sequence.

EDIT: corrected two egregious errors on my behalf.




Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
RayW  -  October 19th, 2010, 6:12pm
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
No date reference.


Thanks for the read, Ray. But I quoted the above because a character does mention the date. In fact, you actually quoted my joke on it in another thread and took it seriously as a "stupid question". You know the one.

Again, the OWC said nothing about budget restraints. "You can do whatever you want to the house but burn it down" means just that.  There's nothing wrong with the title, considering what happens to Aaron.

Glad you liked it overall.
-DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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RayW
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
I quoted the above because a character does mention the date. In fact, you actually quoted my joke on it in another thread and took it seriously as a "stupid question". You know the one.

No, I don't know. Where?
(And I rarely call anyone or their questions stupid or anything ugly.)

Found it, PDF pg 5:
BABA YAGA
The Witching hour is upon us, I
need your flesh and soul on the
eve of Samhain.


D@mmit!
I feel such an a$$. I apologize, sincerely, Darren.



Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
Again, the OWC said nothing about budget restraints. "You can do whatever you want to the house but burn it down" means just that.
  
Are you being defensive? 'cause identifying this production as expensive is not offensive.
And if you can put that to music you might have a cute little ditty.
Uh... you're right?
"You can do whatever you want to the house but burn it down" means just that.

"The moving house CGI will cost a lot and the set would have to be custom built" is not being ugly.
Or offensive.
It won't be cheap.
Cheap as in three actors, camera guy, audio guy, with a knife, a quart of ketchup, a shack on the side of the road and a garden hose.
Yeah. Pumkinseed will cost more than that.
A lot more.
And it's not a slam or a poke, and I didn't call it a fail.
It'll cost some Benjis.
Even if you have a guy in a washing machine box painted like a house it'll get expensive.
Those things are like... twenty bucks!




Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
There's nothing wrong with the title, considering what happens to Aaron.

Reread it.
You're right.
PDF pg 4, She forces pumpkin seeds down his throat which is why he turned into bloody pumpkin mush when smashed in the door.
My bad.
I'll fix the above review, and redouble my efforts to pay attention more betterer.



Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
Glad you liked The Gingerbread Man though.

Aw, sh!t that was creepy as h3ll!




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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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I'd have to agree with Screenrider's first post. It didn't do much for me, either and it's hard to explain. I'm not a fantasy person, much, in the sense this was written. I prefer stories which was typically grounded but if the right story presents itself, then I will amend that.

I saw people on here liked the amounts of description. That's one thing I don't like. For the most part, I feel lots of descriptions are a waste for space which can be used to enhance the story further through character cues and dialogue.

As I see it, this is one of those scripts which I don't like but I can definitely understand why other people do.

So, good luck with this. =)


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shootingduck
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Darren,

Good visuals, good read, but this reads more like a long scene than a full short.  Though I'm not really sure how you could have avoided that with the restrictions of the challenge and the set up you created at the point that your story begins.  At any rate, I think this would make a cool little animated short.  I could see it either as a claymation (which would make your really goopy death look especially goopy) or as a really dark animation with a sort of graphic novel-esque look.

Your descriptors, especially in painting the picture of the house in the opening page, could definitely use a trim.  You used a lot of "extra" words that are unneccessary in screenplay format, for example:

The thunder from outside wakes him...  The lightning lights up the room he is in...  Cracks in the ceiling above...

We know where the thunder is coming from, we already know that he's in the room, we know the ceiling is above...  I won't lie, I catch myself doing this a bit at times, but it's overly desriptive and just clutters the page.  You could easily cut half of your first page of description by merely losing the excess on sentences like these.

"The soft light reveals the other person in the room with
Aaron, BABA YAGA, who has a young twenty something
woman's face sewn on to her head.

Her necklace, made out of human teeth, holds a pendant
with a druidic symbol embedded on it. A small dirty robe
covers her front up to her ragged elbows and spiny
knees."

A soft light reveals BABA YAGA, a young woman's face sewn
to her own.  A necklace of human teeth holds a pendant
bearing a druidic symbol.  A dirty robe covers all but her ragged
elbows and spiny knees.

That's 8 lines reduced to 4 (counting the blank line between paragraphs) and you drop that nasty orphan from the end of the second paragraph.  I'm sure, given more thought, my revision could even be reduced further to cut another line while still maintaining all the pertinent information.

Screenwriting is about pacing.  If you spend 8 lines describing someone you throw off the rhythm dramatically.  If you've never filmed anything, I definitely recommend it as it's helped my writing tremendously.  Here's a practical example of how overdescribing in a screenplay can cause your filmed product to suffer...  I made a "feature" length movie a few years ago, which will never see the light of day outside a few close circles of friends.  The script was about 93 pages, if I remember correctly, which should translate to about a 93 minute movie...  It did not.  The film clocked in at a staggering, painful 67 minutes (with 6:30 of that being the end credits).  Moral of that story is, don't overdescribe.  

I don't know anything about legend or myth behind Baba Yaga, as I'm sure many do not.  Seems obscure, which is both good and bad.  Good in that it's different.  Bad in that you need to use a lot of expositional dialogue, especially in a short where you don't have another 80 pages to flesh it out and reveal bits and pieces at your own pace, and exposition in dialogue tends to fall flat and be pretty boring.  It's not easy to do, but you needed to find a more creative way to balance the dialogue.  The "Hey, you're Baba Yaga, you have rules, and those rules are as follows..." approach is way too on the nose.

Excellent attempt though.  And like I said, add some subtext to the dialogue, tone down the exposition and with the visuals you've got here this should make for some good animation.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Duck,

Your comments were really helpful. As it so happens I'm re-writing this and opening it up a little bit. While I don't see this as animated, it would be something to consider.

Thanks for the read.

-DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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coldsnap
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Not familiar with the folklore, which made the script hard to understand for me at times, but can't argue with the psychedelic visuals. For some reason I was seeing this more as an animated short. It's got that feel.


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Sanderson
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Was the house floating above the ground? If so that was a cool idea.  I like the bouncing jack'o lantern, it's like a Miyazaki character.
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