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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Tomorrow II: Dusklight - OWC
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  Author    Tomorrow II: Dusklight - OWC  (currently 5062 views)
Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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Ren,

Good on you for completing the one week challenge!
I was excited to see another story with Hugh, I enjoyed the first one.

However, I didn't really quite follow the story here.
Seems to me that Matilta/Matilda is the victim of a couple of sexual predators?
I assume she was drugged? That led to heart attack comments and toilet stuff?

Poor Matilda, I felt awful for her.
Hugh and Phil's dialogue was good, but I thought they were wankers.
If that's what you were going for, then it worked.
I didn't get all the Irish/British idioms, but I gathered they were trash talking her.

As to challenge guidelines...
Didn't pick up any references to the date.
The house works fine as the wheelchair and characters.
I guess Matilda went through horror, so that's covered.

Thanks for the read.

Regards,
E.D.


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TheBoyWonder
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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First and foremost: I'm confused. I take it that's what you were going for. Honestly, I like a movie, or script in this case, that makes the audience think but this didn't give enough to figure out what the hell happened. Didn't feel like horror too much either, not that there is anything wrong with it. However, for the challenge, I think it was a bad decision. I wasn't too crazy over the story but that's just a matter of opinion. It may have something to do with the difference in culture, me being American yet, I don't know exactly why I wasn't fond of this story. It just didn't interest me.

-Trent
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rendevous
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Alright. Imagine it said in a Freddie Mercury / Jimi Henrix way.

I'd reply and read more but I'm half cut on something. It was while I was cooking dinner. Shoulda put the wine in the dinner and not in me. Then the dinner burned and now its in the dog. Didn't miss much. He's still only ate half of it. So, on auto...

Poteen - pronounced Pocheen. Made from potatoes. 100% proof. Never had it, but you could run your car on it, or truck. And you don't need to clean your tongue or teeth after drinking it. Could floor a horse.

Slainte - pronounced Slaunscha. Drinking term. (naturally pronunciations vary depending on locale). Just means Cheers, or Good Health.

Slag - common use term to describe a brasser. Sorry, arse about tit there. You know what a slag is. I changed it in draft two. Er, onward...

The Free State - old term used to describe the south of Ireland once it became an state independent of England and ruled from Dublin.

Dowra - a small town close to my heart.

More when I'm sober. At this rate that may be November.

Slan...

Arse!

Up Eire!

R ox


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rendevous  -  October 16th, 2010, 1:42pm
Lack of co-ordination between brain and fingertip. Er, computer error. Shoulda bought a proper one.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Ren, sorry to say, but I'm not going to be able to get through this.  Made it to page 3, and that's it.

Almost completely clueless as to what's going on, based on your writing...but I'm sure that's the way you like it, just like in your almost impossible to understand posts.

Your opening Slug is a frickin' mess, obviously...no time of day, no clue what it's supposed to be saying.

It's very irritating to read this, based on that fact that you write in an odd, staccato style, like Cornie said.  You continually avoid using necessary words like "the", and others, making your 'sentences"...well, not real sentences.

I am not familiar with the original "Tomorrow", so maybe that's adding to why I have no clue what's going down.  Not sure.

As for the challenge, I don't see any abandoned house nor do I see a dark and stormy night, so based on those 2 oh so obvious oversights on your part, I'd bet this doesn't meet the requirements.  Other have said this isn't even horror, so looks like you missed on just about everything.  Oh well.

Congrats on completing a script, though.  Sorry I can't finish it.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one.

Loved the dialogue. I heard it in Irish in my head. I also loved the dream sequence with the animal's "voices" being of a different animal.

People seemed confused about this one. I saw it as Phil being a bit of a devil. Hugh brings him women. Phil slips them something. They have bizarre dreams while Phil has his way with them. Maybe that's just me, but that makes it a horror in my book.

The first sceneheading left me confused. You should at least tell us if it's night or day.

Good work. This one felt real to me while still managing to be a bit surreal.

Pia  


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greg
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Ren,

I don't think I've ever read anything from you.  This is a first!

Solidly written with pretty strong dialogue and imagery.  Two problems I had were 1) the pace was pretty slow.  A little too much chit chat to open up and 2) I felt lost half the time.  I never read the first one so I have no idea what this story was a sequel to, but I was just kind of left hanging at certain parts and trying to navigate through the story blindly.  I could describe to you what happens, but I can't really tell you what this was about.

You're a good writer, though.  I don't know if reading the first would clear things up or if this just needs more focus.  But good effort for a week.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
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rendevous
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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I only came home to change for a club. I feel like I'm 18 again.

Thank you Me. You noticed some things others didn't. Always a good sign.

DS, er yeah. Thanks! Love and peace, bro. Yeah.

Greg, a week? I did that one in two days, one day thinking, one day writing, or thereabouts. In a week I could write a series of Sopranos. Did I type that? In a month I couldn't write an episode. Now I gotta go, there are women looking at me funny. Nothing new there.

Until tomorrow. Part III after OWC. Love and kisses. Let's fuckin' rock.

R ox x


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jwent6688
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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Ren,

Welcome back to the game. Always loved your writing style, though far too descriptive for my taste. I've adopted some of it, probably failed miserably.

HUGH
What the fuck now? And where the
hell’s that dozy... Where is she? - Always have a problem when people talks to themselves like that in film. Just doesn't seem realistic.

When you start your dream sequence I think you should tell us where we are.

Good dialogue. Always liked it.

Nope, didn't get it. Obviously this father and son operation is making pretty gals disappear, I just can't find the motivation. Or how him in a red cape on the mantle at the end ties anything together.

Needs a bit more then a bubbly toilet to make this horror. Good clean write though, for a fellow drunkard.

James


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rendevous
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 2:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Baltis.
... I read the 1st one, by the way and really loved it.  It was very short, but very good....

Alright, so... strange... It's written with a sharp, fluid, grasp.  And it largely meets the challenge, but as Murphy above me had said I don't really know what's going on at any given time.  I failed to comment on the 1st entry, which used Hugh as well, but it's such a moving piece that this kind of diminishes that.  Never canceling each-other out to be sure.

I gather the story in the fragments you've given and you're very clever in how you conduct yourself here and in your work.  Be assured in that.  I'm gonna definitely going to have to read it again... Maybe two more times.  Easily, out of the 6 I've read, the most bizarre...


Many thanks Balt. All being well I intend to spend the Sunday reading on the others. Rather than just promising to, as per.

Bizarre what what I was going for. I watched Existenz again the other week. Whilst it's not Cronenberg I wanted to write something that wasn't straightforward horror. So, I'm pleased you feel that way. And I like being clever, it seems to be working out for me. I note your posts are a lot calmer and more measured that they were before. We miss the old Balt. But we like the new one too.


Quoted from mcornetto
I didn't read the first one of these so I'm commenting blindly.

I thought the dialogue was excellent but you always do good dialogue R.   There wasn't much of a story here though, more of a slice of life, but that again is very like the previous works of yours that I've read.

What I didn't like about this was the staccato action.  Some of it is ok.  And more of it is ok if heavy action is happening but I don't think it was really all that appropriate for what you had going on in the script and sometimes it was distracting.  

Also, if you are going to have a dog as a character, please introduce it. I don't know how long it took me to get past the paragraph where the dog first came into play but it took me much longer than it should have.

You do the same with the cat but you treat it more like a prop in the story so I didn't mind as much.  Whereas the dog is a character and it should be introduced.  

Anyway, I'll give you an excellent on dialogue but I think this needs more of story and less staccato action for it to be a really effective screenplay.


I often comment blindly. But I'd say that in my case it's the alcohol and falling over cause it.

Hey McC, can't a fella have a dog in the background? I knew he wasn't gonna do much. But no-one else did. Staccato is my style these days. Short sentences. To the point. Clear, concise. You know. What I mean? Not to everyone's tastes.

I thought there was more of a story here. I'd say with some good actors the story would become a lot clearer on screen. I guessed most wouldn't be familiar with rural Ireland and all that's goes with it. That in itself for a horror seemed to be a good setting.

I take the compliments and criticisms in the spirit given. Many thanks, gentlemen. I'll find yours today to review. Now to read then later respond to all those folks who read.

R ox


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rendevous
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Hi RV. I'll give it another read tomorrow (Sunday), when my brain isn't mush. It's been a hard day's night at the supermarket, fronm 11am till 7 pm, after working 8 till midnight last night - not that i'm whinging or anything!!!

By the way, what is your fave Lennon Beatle song/ Or fave Beatle song per se?

See u round like a rissole...


Still in the super? Begorrah. I thought you'd be working for Apple Australia by now. You should be.

The song would usually be Come Together. But then again we got Hey Jude and Let It Be. And She Loves You. Take your pick. I like some of the less popular ones, but those four are still killers.

Rissole? Is that some insulting Ozzie slang? You winnet you. L&P


Quoted from stebrown
Ren, I really liked the banter between Phil and Hugh. Very natural and funny. It's clear that they've known each other for a very long time.

The descriptions were a little bit too much for me. You write them well but I just think you put too many details in. Each to their own though, as they say.

Not too sure what the premise was here. Didn't really seem to be horror for me.

Fun read though.

Ste


Too many descriptions... Maybe. Thought I'd better as it's a long way from most places, in many ways. The premise was Matilda on holiday with wheelchair boy and Hugh. Seems my dialogue is my strongest point.

Thanks for the read Ste. If you've entered OWC I'll review today or tomorrow.

R ox


Out Of Character - updated


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rendevous
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 8:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from VJ
I liked it, Ren. It did seem like a slice of life more than a horror short, but I never read the first Tomorrow (is there one?) so that could be it.

While the accents were a bit tough to read at first, I got used to it quickly.

The relationship between Hugh and Phil was excellent, as well as their parting conversation.

Overall, it seemed like a small part of a longer saga (it could be, for all I know), but I enjoyed this part of it.


Thank you VJ. Hugh's gonna be around for a while. Glad you got the voices. Watch the Commitments or Intermission to get the sounds and lilts.


Quoted from SR
I'm not sure what happened.  But I think Phil slipped Matilta a roofie or gassed her so he could have his way with her.  Hugh provides Phil with ladies.  I dunno.   Tomorrow was brilliant -- this one not so brilliant.  Lucy, joo got some esplainin' to do.


A roofie? A bloke who fixes a roof? Nope, Hugh does not provide Phil with the ladies. Although that's one interpretation, not the intended.

Not so brilliant? I'd prefer to think this one is different. More light hearted.


Quoted from VJ
Didn't understand what your first scene header meant, guessing it's some place in Ireland. Still, everything that came after EXT. was lost on me.

Dialogue was good at capturing that region I felt. Not too sure what was happening in the story though after she hit her head. How did she end up in Phil's bed? Kinda ambiguous overall but I guess that's how you like it. Wouldn't classify it as horror though. Was there a dark and stormy night anywhere in here?

Few minor typos and mistakes, you first introudce her as MATILTA in case you hadn't already spotted it. Well done on completing the challenge.

Cheers,
Tim.


The first slug. Hang on, I'll have a look. Ah, well, two stories here. It's called Dusklight. It could be anytime, and it could be time delayed. In other words I implied it's dusk. Even I wouldn't set a horror on Halloween in bright daylight. Plus, it's rural Ireland. It's as dark during the day as it is at night round here. So there. Ahum.

Some place in Ireland? Okay it's not feckin' Dublin. I think it's very obviously a place in Eire. Becomes extremely clear as the script progresses. Definitely not Kansas.

How did she end up in Phil's bed? There are many possibilities. You decide.

As I've said previous, in Eire every night is dark and stormy. When you set a desert scene do you keep saying it's in the desert. I was being economical as there was a page count.

Obviously I defend myself. Pardon me if the friggin' mick doth protest too much. Ah, typos. Such is the influence of listening to the radio, Irish Wine and shite proofreading, Tim.

Thanks for the comments and reads, folks. To be returned.

R xo


Out Of Character - updated


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rendevous
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DG
I felt very confused after reading this.  I really don't know what was going on, and I don't think it was a horror-genred script.

The characters of this piece were the strong suits.  Phil and Hugh were very well developed, much more than Matilda.  Dialog flowed very nicely.  You're good with banter.


Phil


Confused? Good. I think it was, but opinions vary. Thanks for the comments about character and dialogue. After reading yours they carry some weight with me.


Quoted from GM
RV,

I liked it… right up until the end. I enjoyed the dialogue, the characters, and wondered what I missed in Part I.  The ending didn’t make much sense to me. I think I need some of that stuff Phil was drinking.

More of a mystery really.

Gary


Ah, didn't like the end? There was a few I dabbled with, the present one seemed the best to me. Trust me, if you drank what Phil was drinking you too would end up a bitter old man in a crap wheelchair in a field.

More of a mystery is about right, GM. Can't argue with that.

Usual sign off applies.

R xo


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rendevous
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Ren,

Good on you for completing the one week challenge!
I was excited to see another story with Hugh, I enjoyed the first one.

However, I didn't really quite follow the story here.


I believe there's a club being formed of people who don't really undertand my scripts. Automatic membership to The David Lynch Club is included with your fee.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Seems to me that Matilta/Matilda is the victim of a couple of sexual predators? I assume she was drugged? That led to heart attack comments and toilet stuff?

Poor Matilda, I felt awful for her.


Well, she wasn't drugged by anyone but herself. Nobody made her drink. And nobody lied. Heart attack? Think it was more of a posh in in rough flip out.


Quoted from ED
Hugh and Phil's dialogue was good, but I thought they were wankers.
If that's what you were going for, then it worked.
I didn't get all the Irish/British idioms, but I gathered they were trash talking her.


Thank you. Yes they were trashing, kinda. And yes, they are wankers, all blokes are, given the chance. They could have been worse. And Hugh and Phil have been through a lot.



Quoted from ED
As to challenge guidelines...
Didn't pick up any references to the date.
The house works fine as the wheelchair and characters.
I guess Matilda went through horror, so that's covered.

Thanks for the read.

Regards,
E.D.


In ireland they do go mad over Halloween. Out in a farmhouse in Dowra I doubt they would. There was gonna be a pumpkin and kids at the door but it was running over. Something had to go. Thank you for Saying what happened to Matilda was horror. Few others think so. But what do they know?


Quoted from TheBoyWonder
First and foremost: I'm confused. I take it that's what you were going for. Honestly, I like a movie, or script in this case, that makes the audience think but this didn't give enough to figure out what the hell happened. Didn't feel like horror too much either, not that there is anything wrong with it. However, for the challenge, I think it was a bad decision. I wasn't too crazy over the story but that's just a matter of opinion. It may have something to do with the difference in culture, me being American yet, I don't know exactly why I wasn't fond of this story. It just didn't interest me.

-Trent


Another confused one. Please joine the aforementioned club BW. And yes I was, perhaps not as much as I got. Ho hum.

Fair enough. At least you were honest. probably the type of thing that would come across better on film than on the page.

R xo


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rendevous
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I liked this one.

Loved the dialogue. I heard it in Irish in my head. I also loved the dream sequence with the animal's "voices" being of a different animal.

People seemed confused about this one. I saw it as Phil being a bit of a devil. Hugh brings him women. Phil slips them something. They have bizarre dreams while Phil has his way with them. Maybe that's just me, but that makes it a horror in my book.

The first sceneheading left me confused. You should at least tell us if it's night or day.

Good work. This one felt real to me while still managing to be a bit surreal.

Pia  


Thank you Pia. I think that's about the best review I've ever had. Please tell me you know Fincher or Peter Jackson. Go on, please. If I had any money I'd pay you.


Quoted from greg
Ren,

I don't think I've ever read anything from you.  This is a first!

Solidly written with pretty strong dialogue and imagery.  Two problems I had were 1) the pace was pretty slow.  A little too much chit chat to open up and 2) I felt lost half the time.  I never read the first one so I have no idea what this story was a sequel to, but I was just kind of left hanging at certain parts and trying to navigate through the story blindly.  I could describe to you what happens, but I can't really tell you what this was about.

You're a good writer, though.  I don't know if reading the first would clear things up or if this just needs more focus.  But good effort for a week.

Greg


There's a fist time for everything, Greg. An RV virgin. Good luck. Head down, see you at the end... Even us straights have to play with the gay, occasionally. Ahem...

The only thing both Tomorrows have in common, at the moment, is Hugh. All will become clear later.

I've a certain style. In a screenplay there's only so much room before it becomes a novel. You have to imagine it. Obviously with this recent stuff of mine it'd help a lot if you're familiar with the Irish or foreign cultures in general. If not, well, confusion is likely. And I do tend to be not straightforward. Not if I can help it.

And I did in two days. God, I'm beginning to annoy even me. Sorry.


Quoted from jwent6688
Ren,

Welcome back to the game. Always loved your writing style, though far too descriptive for my taste. I've adopted some of it, probably failed miserably.

HUGH
What the fuck now? And where the
hell’s that dozy... Where is she? - Always have a problem when people talks to themselves like that in film. Just doesn't seem realistic.

When you start your dream sequence I think you should tell us where we are.

Good dialogue. Always liked it.

Nope, didn't get it. Obviously this father and son operation is making pretty gals disappear, I just can't find the motivation. Or how him in a red cape on the mantle at the end ties anything together.

Needs a bit more then a bubbly toilet to make this horror. Good clean write though, for a fellow drunkard.

James


I think, my dear drinky friend J, a good actor could easily pull off the dialogue you mentioned. Doddle.

Where you are? You're near the house. We're not allowed to leave. It's in the rules. Stop drinking the sink cleaning stuff.

Dissapear? We obviously operate in different pubs. Take your point though. But all out horror with dead bodies and slashing and all that ain't my bag. Psychological horror to me is far more effective. And you try spewling dat santance after a long drinky day.

Thanks all.

R xo


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Ledbetter
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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rendevous
Read this one late last night when the only two people up were me and Jim Beam So I wanted to wait until today to post.

Nice read man. Very nice read. Really outside of the norn here. I have always enjoyed the twist you put to things on paper and this is no exception.

I did not read the first in the series. Is it here somewhere?

Good job!

Shawn.....><
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