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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Tomorrow II: Dusklight - OWC
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  Author    Tomorrow II: Dusklight - OWC  (currently 5061 views)
rendevous
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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Check the portal.

Tomorrow, ahem, I'll add it to my sig. Good to hear from you Led, always is. You be good now, hey, you can be better than good. Just like me...

R ox


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stevie
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hi RV. I re-read this as I promised. I sorta made some sense of it. It needs to stand alone prolly, away from the challenge.

Can't say I'm a fan of the staccato action, though I started doing this meself awhile back, after being influenced by you - however, I don't quite take it to the extent that you do.

As I said before, lovely Irish stuff going on here. That could be a prob to readers from other countries who aren't fam with the Emerald Isle prose.

Did I mention I have Irish blood? My mother was a Hayes. I have a mix of Scottish and German too, which prolly explains a fucking great deal...

cheers stevie

PS - She Loves You - one of my fave songs by the lads. Consdered by many to be the greatest pop song ever. Nearly 50 years on, it still has that wonderful energy...



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Coding Herman
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not too sure what to make out of this. I didn't quite get the gist of the story either. A couple stays in Phil's (I assume he's Huge's father?) place for a night, Matilda got hurt, they left the next morning. Where's the horror?

Maybe it's just me, I didn't feel anything after reading it. Sorry.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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khamanna
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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So Phil and Hugh are in a pact, Hugh supplies Phil with all the ladies?
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rendevous
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 2:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Stephen Winston Lennon McCartney Goebbels McCloud
Did I mention I have Irish blood? My mother was a Hayes. I have a mix of Scottish and German too, which prolly explains a F**king great deal...


So, you're tight, daft and a Nazi. And you've run away to live in paradise, just like Himmler did. Quote of the day. And I drive a German car. Why is my kettle sniggering with my pot.

I have to wake up, fella. Be back with an edit once I can remember how to make a cup of tea...

Something to do with bags, and water. Er, yeah.

R xo

EDIT: Stevie, I'd been thinking of sending Hugh back to Ireland so when the challenge came up I had the basis of a script anyway.

I did notice you'd changed your style a little a while back. Seems stacatto sometimes to me, my style that is. I just prefer using less words than most, I hope. Nice to think I influenced. Also nice you admitted it. Very honest of you, sir.

And yes, it does explain a lot. I'd call meself Anglo Irish, but that's the name of mad property developement bank the Irish Government are currently throwing the remaining cash of the Irish people into. Be quicker if they just flushed it all down the bloody toilet. So I'm the first English born of Irish stock. Probably explains a lot.

Over there I'm a paddy. Over here I'm a brit. No wonder I prefer Europe and Australia. I love Ireland. Shame they wasted all the cash. Bit like locking an alcoholic in a quiet pub with a grand then coming back to be told "Why'd you let me spend all my money on booze?". Enough. Too early.

Here's a good Beatles song - "Taxman".

Later Stevie, PM me with how the scripts are going.

R xo


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  October 18th, 2010, 4:18am
Cos I'm rubbish in the mornings.
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rendevous
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 4:23am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Coding Herman
I'm not too sure what to make out of this. I didn't quite get the gist of the story either. A couple stays in Phil's (I assume he's Huge's father?) place for a night, Matilda got hurt, they left the next morning. Where's the horror?

Maybe it's just me, I didn't feel anything after reading it. Sorry.


That's alright. It's only a quick short script, not my life's work. Huge's father? Huge. Well, he doesn't get any complaints from the ladies on that front. No. Hugh's. He does say, in the dialogue. No typo, that one.


Quoted from khamanna
So Phil and Hugh are in a pact, Hugh supplies Phil with all the ladies?


See previous statement. But no, Hugh does not supply Phil with ladies, not in the sexual sense. Phil does like to look though, and they go way back.

Thanks for the reads and comments. To be returned.

R xo


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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c m hall
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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I love this script, start to finish -- wonderfully atmospheric, precise descriptions, and the characters are multi dimensional and given a chance to have thoughts and feelings.  The chat between Hugh and Phil at the end is a work of art -- they are characters that one hopes to see again.

Although it works as a complete piece, it could be the opening scenes of a terrific film.  
Much praise, very entertaining work.
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rendevous
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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EDIT: Pmed you SC.

SC,

I disagree. What did Hugh do that was actually wrong, bring his girlfriend on holiday?

I don't think I need to redeem him. Just because you think he's a dirtbag don't make it so. And really, I find the idea that my scripts make you lose sleep... strangely gratifying.

Er, I think it's me who's the dirtbag M, well, I ain't the Second Coming, that's for sure. Maybe I'm the fourth one. Er, no. He'd shurely pluck someone better than me.

Hang on, why have I gone all religious again and you didn't. I blame the parents. It's always their fault.

Hope you feel better. Having wrote them I can tell you none of them are evil. Almost the opposite in fact.

Remember, they are characters. You got history, so do they.

Just because you saw them for seven minutes means you can judge them? SC, let he who cast for the first stone...

I suggest you now go and pray. You're wrong. Or are you. It's just a story. Have you met Karl and his friends? They ain't evil either.

I was in the book store the other day. I spent the afternoon moving copies of Tony Blair's My Journey to The Crime Section. I got a round of applause. Before I got thrown out too. Then I got another one after my speech about a million people marching in London before the Iraq War. My Journey... To Hell, Tone. Whiter than white, my arses.

I shall be praying to Audrey and Kate. I think it's fine time they called round. I've hoovered up and everything. I even managed not to put the red wine in the fridge this time.

Lighten up dude. Hugh's one of the good guys in a shitty world.

CM Hall,

Or Cathy, where's Heathcliffe? Probably better not knowing. Thank you. Seeing as Pia is already married, are you busy? I could do with that kind of praise on a regular basis. Oh, my girlfriend just said I can talk to you, but must stop proposing. She's funny about that kinda stuff. Women! Oh dear, you are one. Er, many thanks.

R xo


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
rendevous  -  October 18th, 2010, 2:01pm
PM
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RayW
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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1 - Story: Third time seeped tea leaves. Almost interesting. I absolutely LOVE your characters! It was such a disappointment the story was weak, like an auld man pushin' his rope, 'cause I really wanted to read more of Phil & Hugh. You did great with them by page three's end.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Quite filmable. The guidelines called for an abandoned house, presumably so that no one would have to fill it up with expensive prop things a "home" demands, so you failed that fantastically.
3 - Horror & Audience: Nope. Can't say Phil bein' a/the devil and buggerin' with the "The daft posh muppet" qualifies as much horror, other than the thought of her putting her sweet tush on that rancid commode. Ugh! Audience for this is too sublime for my tastes. They must like exercises in excruciation. Didn't follow directions on that aspect. This is about... 9/10 of a short. Another fail at given task. Tsk.  No date reference.
4 - Technicals & Format: You write beautifully. Others found issue with the UK/US culture & language gap; I did not. Your dream sequence composition was well done.
5 - Title & Logline: Both are sh!te, but... eh... Somehow I think the clouds in the sky have more personal meaning to you.
General Comments:
A -  Again, your writing and characters are beautiful.
B -  From the obviously emotional-defensive posts of bizarrity you squirt out on the message board, like so much mucus from an arse sick with fever and the runs, I never woulda guessed you were capable of this.
You misdirect with unnecessary exertion.
I'll keep my eye on your writing, but on few of your general posts.



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malcolm3
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Ren,

You've had a lot of comments on this so I'm not going to do a page by page. Besides, you don't need that.

Dialogue was great, yours usually is. The characters were even better. I read this a couple of times. By the end, I was thinking with an Irish accent. That's what you get for working with the buggers for 30 or so years.

As for the story? A few have described it as weak. I seriously don't agree. Like most of your stuff, it's open to the readers interpretation. You make us think. It's probably the thing I like most about your scripts. You have a unique style that draws me straight  into the world you create.

I seriously enjoyed this.

My one line critique...

RV is back!
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jayrex
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hi R,

Much better than Tomorrow I.

This was alright in the end.  It's nice to see a script based in the old Emerald isle.

I'm I right in thinking Matilda got raped by Phil, and maybe Hugh?  The funny stuff in the drink, the dreams, the waking up in Phil's bed...

And with the chip off the old block would make Hugh Irish who speaks with an English accent or puts the accent on?  As he said, he's going to bring another lass back.  If so, I can forgive the feck words mentioned by Hugh.

I would also join your at & all words at'all as when I grew up there it was pretty much national standard.  I forget most stuff but remember that.

-10 points for picking Co. Cavan, +10 for Co. Antrim.

Sean is Scottish while Shaun is Irish, which is Irish for English John, which has Irish alternative in Jon.  So I'd change that Sean bit.

It doesn't read like a horror, but if Matilda was raped, then this is horrific for her.  Although this script kinda dances pass that and makes light of the situation.

Also, on a side note, you write like you're from middle/northern England.  I take it it's your parents that are Irish and your not?

All the best,


Javier


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rendevous
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
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Ah reads. If I had not had fucking toothache for the last three days I woulda returned more. got the fecker out today. A genius in Sligo did it. I'd have paid the guy a grand. The Cure is not to be underestimated. Oh yeah, I'm not blogging. Bollocks.

Jayrex - Better? Wow. That's a new one. I thank you. I have to.

Nope. She didn't get raped by Phil. His tackle ain't seen action since he was at The North Wall. And that was twenty year ago. He likes women. They just don't like him anymore. They did once, back in the day.

I'm usually more coy about my scripts. But these days I don't give a fuck. Why not tell?

There was nothing wrong with the drink. The poteen was good. But it's illegal homebrew that would strip paint and enamel from your teeth. It's that good. Drinker beware. He didn't make her drink it.

Hugh, like meself, is Irish. He just happened to be dropped by mother in England and grew up there. Unlike Bale I'm proud of me heritage. Bet he is too, he just likes to fuk with press. Pardon my Francais.

He will bring back a lass. So forgive. Hugh ain't me. For some reason we have similar traits.

I woulda done Antrim. Or Down. If I was daring I'd have picked Derry. But I ain't so brave.

You're wrong about Sean. Round here they are called it. Trust me. I;ve met twenty seven Sean Nolans. Not a one called Shaun or John. Or Joan, come to that.

She wasn't raped. She just thinks she could have been. Phil's a git. But basically he's a nice old bitter man. Like most Irish gentlemen of a certain age he keeps it all in. Most of the time.

I am Irish. And yes, you're right. I was born over there. They didn't ask me or anything. So I'm an Irish Anglo. Who veers to the Land Of Saints and Scholars. And Squanderers. These days. Fianna Fail? Have three by-elections you gits. See who's really in charge.

David MacWilliams for Taoiseach I say. or maybe Vince Cable. Enda Kenny? Kiss me narrow arse.

Sorry, More rendevous rantings.

Return the read and the other comments when me hole has healed (where the tooth was, naturally) and I've sobered.

R xo


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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rendevous
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
I'll keep my eye on your writing, but on few of your general posts.


Have to say this before I depart for my dump of a pit of a bed. There's a pendulum above it. Only the older ones will get that one.

RW, but you'll miss out. On some of my best stuff.

Right. Rendevous revises. And rests. Oh shit. I've turned into Craig David. Don't talk about yourself in the third person RV, not unless you want hitting with a fucking hammer.

Right. Once again. I rest. Whiskeyed. Up . One tooth less. Seven to go. I joke. I only have six. i am Irish. And English. It's complicated. We are forced to have bad teeth. It's compulsory over here. That's why we look at black folk with such awe. Theirs are white and clean and perfect and everything. We have fag dimps for teeth. Ever seen a soft black guy? I ain't. Hard as fecking nails. Er, sorry. Anti rascist mood. Should be more of that about.

Night all.

R ox


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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rendevous
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW

General Comments:
A -  Again, your writing and characters are beautiful.
B -  From the obviously emotional-defensive posts of bizarrity you squirt out on the message board, like so much mucus from an arse sick with fever and the runs, I never woulda guessed you were capable of this.
You misdirect with unnecessary exertion.
I'll keep my eye on your writing, but on few of your general posts.


Thanks Ray,

Naturally I agree with completely. As for the mucus, I blame the booze. And some feckin' eejits who have nowt better to do but annoy me. There's always some arse annoying someone. Best ignored.

Your review is nearly as good as Me's. She wins as she's a female. And we all know they rule the world.

R xo


Quoted from malcolm3
Ren,

You've had a lot of comments on this so I'm not going to do a page by page. Besides, you don't need that.

Dialogue was great, yours usually is. The characters were even better. I read this a couple of times. By the end, I was thinking with an Irish accent. That's what you get for working with the buggers for 30 or so years.

As for the story? A few have described it as weak. I seriously don't agree. Like most of your stuff, it's open to the readers interpretation. You make us think. It's probably the thing I like most about your scripts. You have a unique style that draws me straight  into the world you create.

I seriously enjoyed this.

My one line critique...

RV is back!


See above. Now then lads. I will put the cheques in the post this time, as promised. Please feel free to show my script to rich film producers and directors. And don't show it to women you want to sleep with and pretend you wrote it. That would be very naughty indeed.

I am fixing my drains. Seriously. Bloody damp rooms in my building site of a house in a field up a mountain. They should do one of them Reality TV shows on me. I almost bought a goat and some chickens the other day. Then I came to my senses and bought some fags, beer and eggs instead.

Er, maybe not, cancel the crew. I want to be like the Swede Greta Garbo and be alone. Why don't they make actresses like that any more?

Later, if I don't bother getting drunk watching Utd I shall get drunk reading your scripts. That's the plan. If you care. You should you know. Take some too. Later.

R xo


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  October 20th, 2010, 10:22am
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RayW
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rendevous
There's always some arse annoying someone. Best ignored.
Your review is nearly as good as Me's. She wins as she's a female.
And we all know they rule the world.


Amen.
I can't compete with what she brings to... the table.
And, indeed they do. They have no idea. Shh! Don't tell 'em!




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