SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 12:03pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  One Stormy Night - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    One Stormy Night - OWC  (currently 3580 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2010, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
One Stormy Night by Matt Layden (the usual suspect) - Short, Horror - Frank and Daniel hide out in an abandoned house preparing to leave a town they scammed when a little girl pays them a visit.  - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 15th, 2010, 11:00pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
greg
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 12:18am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Oh Hi

Location
San Diego, California
Posts
1680
Posts Per Day
0.24
Matt,

Pretty good stuff.  Simple but effectively creepy situation you illustrated here.  While I liked Charlotte's character and the demonic-like traits you gave her, Daniel and Frank were interchangeable and lacking.  Good use of the wheelchair, but otherwise those two dudes didn't do it for me.

Good ambiguous ending with the story concluding with Charlotte's dad glaring at Daniel and Frank.  Overall a nice read.

Greg


Be excellent to each other
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 28
Ryan1
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 12:36am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1098
Posts Per Day
0.22
Matt,

Didn't get this one.  I think you need to clarify what the little girl is and give her some kind of backstory.  How is she supernatural?  As I read it, the one guy stole her bag while she was out trick or treating, and now she comes back to collect.  So, how does she live through a gunshot and slashed throat?  You just don't give us any details as to her history and where she comes from.  

Not too much story after she shows up.  The guys seem oddly restrained for just witnessing a girl rise from two mortal wounds.  Didn't really understand the ending.  The girl lives across the street.  She's obviously not a ghost, so what is she and what is her father.  Too many unanswerd questions, IMO.  A whole lotta typos, too.  But, you met the challenge, and that's something.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 28
Baltis.
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 1:36am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I dunno, I liked it and I didn't.  I think, me personally, it'd be more effective if you had the little girl be just that.  The two leads exchanging while all this was going on wasn't believable to me.  You had some instances of typos in there too.  Like "overly weight"  that makes some sense but not much.  The story, at its core, is good and creepy.  But all in all it falls apart when the supernatural elements are brought into play.  Not because they have no place in movies like this but because the set up itself doesn't really need to have it.

A little girl gutting someone over a trick or treat is scary enough.  Go with that.  Demons are all too easy to fill in why they can't kill her or overtake her.  A child and nothing more is another all together.

Another good attempt, but it just fell short in some aspects.  And the little girl doesn't meet the requirements as Don said 18 to 80 something.  The wheelchair, EDIT TO BELOW, is a technicality one could let slide as it was used.  I do believe he was in one, maybe not wheelchair ridden.

4th script down.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  October 16th, 2010, 1:54am
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 28
Murphy
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 1:40am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Matt, I am gonna have to disagree with Ryan on this one, you never really met the challenge. One of the male actors should have been in a wheelchair and the girl should have been over 18.

Apart from that side of things however this was a decent, and creepy read. I quite liked the idea of the little girl taking revenge for her candy being stolen ( and whatever they did re: the scam). A little bit of Hard Candy crossed with Let the right one in I think. The dialogue was good, what stands out to me so far with the OWC are that the best scripts have a simple premise and lots of nice dialogue between the characters. This is up with those.

Unfortunately though it does not really meet the challenge, so despite being a good script it is not gong to be on my shortlist, sorry.

Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 28
Ryan1
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 1:45am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1098
Posts Per Day
0.22
Murph, read the first page again.  Frank is in a wheelchair.  However, you are correct about the girl not being over 18, although that wasn't in the original guidelines.  So, I gave him a pass on that one.  Point is, he cranked out a script in under a week, I just didn't like it as much as you.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 28
Murphy
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 1:52am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from Ryan1
Murph, read the first page again.  Frank is in a wheelchair.  However, you are correct about the girl not being over 18, although that wasn't in the original guidelines.  So, I gave him a pass on that one.  Point is, he cranked out a script in under a week, I just didn't like it as much as you.


From what I can gather Frank is in a wheelchair, but is just pretending, it is all part of the scam they are pulling. He does stand up during the climax. My interpritaion of the criteria is that the actor was supposed to have been wheelchair bound. If I am wrong then apologies to Matt.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 - 28
Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 3:30am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2740
Posts Per Day
0.55
Matt,

Congrats on completing the challenge!
As much as I enjoy demonic children that I'm not babysitting...
it does not fit the challenge criteria. Why did you ignore that rule? Just curious.
Anyway, I like your set up but I wasn't sure why Charlotte had to be superhuman.
She would be much more disturbing to me without the Jason Vorhees durability.
I think it might be more fun if the other kids scatter when Charlotte comes around.
Thanks for posting this, I'm always up for Halloween mischief!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 28
mcornetto
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 4:36am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Overly weight?

I thought it was good all around.  I liked the demonic little girl, she was quite different.  So different that she really seemed like you were trying to skirt your way around the challenge.   But I think you just didn't realize when you wrote this that they needed to be adult.

I think what would improve this would be to show a bit more of their back story - which of course you could not do for this challenge.   I would also go through it again and see if you can tighten up the action and punch up the dialogue.   Though both were good, I think they can be better.  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 28
stevie
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 5:38am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
I can't believe only Balt has mentioned the typos in this? There were lots of errors which made it a clumsy read for me.

BUT, the basic story was good and could be decent with a fairly big re-write. I didn't have a prob with the guy only pretending to be wheelchair bound; I'm sure th eorignal criteria was only that one male had to be in a wheelchair.
That doesn't mean they have to paralysed or anything. Phils' script didn't have that, neither did mine and i guess not many of the 40 will!

Fix all the mistakes (i tell you, Jeff will savage this), make the girl more demonic if she's meant to be - some of her dialogue is too 'cheery' - and this could be a neat script.

Cheers stevie



Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 28
Violent Josh
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 7:10am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Illinois
Posts
12
Posts Per Day
0.00
I thought it was a cool ghost story, even if the girl wasn't technically a ghost.

There was some really good, trailer-worthy lines in here: "I'm just a girl asking for her knife back." comes to mind.

As for criteria goes, I believe it meets the guidelines. Technically, one male was in a wheelchair. As far as I gather, it's part of their scam, thus crucial to the story. And the adult stipulation wasn't tacked on til after original guidelines were posted.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 28
screenrider
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 9:23am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Matt, congrats on completing an entry for the challenge.  But this one just didn't do anything for me.   Too much damn cussing.   Plus, the whole thing just came off kinda silly and way too one dimensional, IMO.  

Don't give up.  Keep at it.

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 16th, 2010, 12:29pm
Logged
e-mail Reply: 11 - 28
dogglebe
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 9:38am Report to Moderator
Guest User



My biggest problem with this script was that it dragged.  I think if you cut a page or two of chatter out, it'll flow better and be a more enjoyable read.

I figured that there would be some scripts where the guy in the wheelchair didn't need to be in one.  My problem with your script, though, was that Frank stayed in the wheelchair as long as he did.  I figured he would've jumped out of it upon seeing Daniel hurt.

SPOILER SPACE, KIND oF...

If you do a rewrite on this script (and I think you should), you should mention that Charlotte was killed by Daniel in one of the robberies.  Mention it toward the end of page eight when she's condemning them.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 12 - 28
c m hall
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
peninsula of Jersey
Posts
422
Posts Per Day
0.08
SPOILERS
I like Charlotte, everything she says and does is creepy and has a strange slow motion, low key tinge to it.
Daniel opening the door for Trick or Treaters seems odd, I didn't understand why he would bother (he's tired already, has candy).
Charlotte is a terrific character.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 28
Trojan
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Australia
Posts
393
Posts Per Day
0.07
Okay I had the same thoughts pretty much as Ryan on this one. Wasn't sure who or what the little girl was and as a result doesn't really work for me.

My first thought was that the twist would be that after the two guys conned her parents the father commits murder-suicide and Charlotte was killed, now seeking vengeance. When that didn't happen and she mentioned her father won't be too happy, I thought he might turn out to be the devil or something. But then it just sort of ended an you gave us no explanation. Feels like cheating in a way, and not satisfying as a reader.

There were some good parts though, a rewrite and a rethink will do wonders for this.

EDIT: When he is looking out the window you have him looking at kids and their parents running from the rain. Considering you only have a cast list off 3 actors this would be tough to pull off.

Cheers,
Tim.

Revision History (1 edits)
Trojan  -  October 16th, 2010, 12:57pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 28
Dreamscale
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hey Matt, congrats on completing a script for this OWC.

Sorry to say it, but this is really, really poorly written.  So many mistakes, littering every single page, really made it a tough chug of a read.  Here's a few of the issues I noted...

No “FADE IN:”

Typos everywhere.

Grammar errors everywhere.

Punctuation errors everywhere.

Awkward phrasing everywhere.

Orphans running rampant.

Totally missed on the cast of 3, which is very odd.  Totally missed on the no one under 18.

Just shockingly poorly written throughout.  Extremely redundant…you continually use the same words over and over, right next to each other, when it's already assumed what you're referring to.  Very passively written with tons and tons of "ing" verbs.

Now for the good stuff...I think the story could have worked quite well if it was written better and developed better.  Charlotte could have been a great antag...a creepy antag.  Same with the father across the street.

Unlike others, I don't need to know exactly who or what Charlotte is, as long as she works as what you're after...which she totally could have.

Not sure of your writing history, but I'd suggest reading alot of scripts, looking into proper sentence structure, proper grammar, punctuation, and all things writing related.

Good effort though.  Keep at it!
Logged
e-mail Reply: 15 - 28
jwent6688
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Wherever I go, there Jwent.

Posts
1858
Posts Per Day
0.33
Matt,

Gonna agree with most of the others. The little girl was creepy. Would rather have one of the see her outside. Then be like "That sure looks like the girl we killed in that robbery last week." Adds a little more creepiness to it. The whole thing with her daddy didn't work.

Maybe they could ask who her father is? She could say "He looks like that." She points out a window to a little kid in a devil costume.
The fight scene did drag a little. Could be shortened.

Other then not, not a bad

James


Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 28
Andrew
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.32
Matthew,

I chose this from Don's list of those up thus far 'cos it had the most compelling logline. My views on the script pretty much reflect those of the other SSers, in the main - although I do not think you need to start "looking into proper sentence structure, proper grammar, punctuation, and all things writing related." As ever, Jeff takes it too far.

The basic story was pretty obvious from the outset. That's not necessarily a problem, but there has to be something to make us truly care about the characters to fix that issue. Let's be fair, a lot of romantic comedies suffer from this problem, but the good ones create characters who through their flaws resonate with us. Frank and Daniel did differ but there were no distinctions in their differences that made them characters who would hold attention for too long. Their conversation just kinda wandered - although you can clearly write dialogue with a natural flow. I think you needed to use those early pages to up the ante on what they were doing. All we really gained was a disagreement on whether or not they should leave.

Charlotte's supernatural abilities could - and should - have been touched upon. As someone else said, the reaction to her truly remarkable - and slightly cliched - infallibility in the mission was oddly skewed to the subdued.  Perhaps she left an imprint on one of these guys from the early scam and when she turns up, they're truly spooked. Something has to be done to foreshadow her arrival or give her more meat 'cos I agree with Michael that you don't really have the page space to give her a backstory.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 28
TheUsualSuspect
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Canada
Posts
351
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey guys,

Wow, thanks for all the feedback. I wrote this script in ten minutes and submitted it without doing a second read through for grammar, spelling and what not. No excuse I know, but I was in a rush and had to leave for a few days.

As for not meeting the guidelines. I read the requirements on the main page of the site, which did not state the ages of the characters. So I figured it was fine to use a young child, after reading more in the OWC thread, I came across the age issue and stated that my script did not follow that guideline. Hell, maybe the character is actually 900 years old and is trapped inside a little girl's body?

I was also under the impression that the three characters were just the main characters and not the ones in the background. My fault on that one.

I wanted the girl to be ambiguous as to what her story is, for something this short anyways. If it were longer, I can tie her and her backstory to whatever easily.

I like the idea of leaving her "supernatural powers" at the door and having her be a normal child wanting her candy back. I played up the horror element in the supernatural sense and not in a more creepy way like it was stated. Having her human and killing for her candy is more creepy. Thanks for the suggestion.

Thanks again everyone for the responses. More than I expected.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 28
Murphy
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Usual, don't worry about the characters, Jeff seems to have a problem telling the difference between characters and actors. You can only have 3 actors but nowhere does it say you can only have 3 characters. One of your actor could also also be playing the part of the dad. This is Sam Raimi 101.

That However is where my issue came in with the wheelchair, the OWC rules don't actually state there must be a character in a wheelchair at all. You could have had a character who stayed sat on the floor, or stayed in bed the entire time and that would have been fine. It is the actor who was supposed to be in a wheelchair, but if you decide to have him play a character in a wheelchair then really he is not going to be able to stand up, like yours did.  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 19 - 28
khamanna
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
I think it's a good story but I want more as I did not understand it completely. I do not know who Charlotte and her father are, perhaps something supernatural but it would be nice to know their story and have some background info on them.

The idea is good - they are goofing around robbing kids of all the candy and there's finally the revenge at the door.

I think you could cut a lot of their dialog and the opening is a bit slow for me. Charlotte's lines are stilted, I think.

But you could rewrite...--I really liked the idea and it's funny in a way.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 28
TheUsualSuspect
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 12:12am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Canada
Posts
351
Posts Per Day
0.05

Quoted from Murphy
That However is where my issue came in with the wheelchair, the OWC rules don't actually state there must be a character in a wheelchair at all. You could have had a character who stayed sat on the floor, or stayed in bed the entire time and that would have been fine. It is the actor who was supposed to be in a wheelchair, but if you decide to have him play a character in a wheelchair then really he is not going to be able to stand up, like yours did.  



That was my misunderstanding of the rules. Actor/Character.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 28
Scoob
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Location
UK
Posts
583
Posts Per Day
0.08
Hi Matt,

First three pages were a bit too passive for me. Dialogue was not great.
Sorry to say things didn't really get any better. It felt incredibly rushed.
On a positive side, I like the idea of a trick or treater getting revenge and there are quite a few possibilities that angle could go.

Well done on completing the script,

Malc



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 28
RayW
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
1 - Story: Well... that was an odd little story. It was okay, creepy enough. I'd cut the Frank & Daniel chatter to make more space for what happens when ghost girl's father arrives. Some real mayhem would ensue. And I understand the conundrum of Frank & Daniel speaking pretty much alike: they're of the same age, thus dialect, and friends, of sorts, so "yeah" they are going to speak almost indistinguishably alike. Tough. The actors will have to make the difference. I think you were channeling Miranda Cosgrove when you wrote Charlotte's anal retentive dialog.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Did we budget for a little kid? Prop, maybe? Migit! Oh, wait. They're "Little People" these days. Your Female is a little person. Cool. Nope. Too much screen time. Fail. Economical budget. Looks like all the camera work takes place within a few steps, which makes it cheap and simple to shoot. I think that will make it run rather boring, visually. The story given does make for a complete short, which is great. (Mostly we've been seeing sequences and partial sequences and parts of stories.) Wheelchair bound people can sometimes get up. I never received a referee's ruling on the scope of "wheelchair bound-ness" of the actor, so I say you're okay with that.
3 - Horror & Audience: Weak horror. Ahhhh. Scarry little ghost girl. Ahhh. Okay. I'm over it. PG-13 audience would complain about paying for this.
4 - Technicals & Format: Looks fine. Typos galore. A few "ing" words in there, but I don't care about those. Turn off that wretched (CONT'D) character dialog feature!
5 - Title & Logline: Title's a little generic. On rewrite, add "peculiar" or "really scary" just before "little", to add interest.
General Comments:
A - Speed up the front half to make room for dad breaking h3ll loose.
B - It's difficult to make a complete story in ten pages or minutes, but you did well. However, these ten-minute real time shorts kinda get boring to me. It's difficult to devise ways to string out time, or to condense it.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 28
bert
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 7:54am Report to Moderator
Administrator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4232
Posts Per Day
0.61
Poor proofing was a turn-off.  Always is.

As for the story, it starts a little slow, and despite all the banter, we are still left to wonder what these men actually did in this town.  Everything need not be explained, of course, but perhaps more of their banter could be used to reveal the nature of their misdeeds, as opposed to debating whether or not to leave town, which accomplishes little to reveal their true character.

Charlotte presents them with an interesting dilemma, and because these interactions form the heart of the story, this short piece might be better served by getting there quicker.  Ending with the suggestion of larger mayhem yet to come, compliments of her father, worked for me.  I agree that these final images are the most effective way to end the story.

If I were to change anything, I would lose the shooting and stabbing of Charlotte.  Not because of any objections to violence against child characters, but because these supernatural aspects seem to detract from the story.  If you were to tell the tale of a "normal" little girl who goes around on Halloween doing these things, I think it would be even more shocking.

Making her all ghostly or whatever is the cliché here -- making her an ordinary child capable of extraordinary acts would deliver more impact.  And then it makes you wonder even more just what her father might be capable of.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 24 - 28
coldsnap
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
34
Posts Per Day
0.01
This left me really wanting to know more about Charlotte's back story. Her supernatural abilities aren't explained, but the script moves well. The description elements could use a little more life; lines like "Charlotte reaches into her bag of candy and pulls out a knife stabbing Daniel in the stomach" read like a long run-on sentence and sound anti-climactic. The final image of Charlotte's father staring at the two guys was effectively creepy. Maybe a follow-up piece explaining Charlotte's story?


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 25 - 28
shootingduck
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 9:41am Report to Moderator
New



Location
New Jersey, USA
Posts
33
Posts Per Day
0.01
Matthew,

This is too much of a "talking heads" piece to be effective.  If the dialogue had been more gripping or revealing, giving us backstory and building character, then it would have been excusable, but the lines were way too on the nose.  If you were going to include this much dialogue, there needed to be more to the words than just what was on the page.  There was no subtext to any of Daniel or Frank's lines.  The little girl's dialogue was better, effectively creepy at times, but way too excessive for the type of scene you wrote.  She and the guys had way so much free time to converse during the horror scene that it was distracting and took away from any suspense that you had started to build upon her entrance.

Your fight scene is anti-climactic.  Horror needs to have a sense of urgency to create tension and hold the reader.  If your characters don't seem to care that they're in danger, then why should your audience?  If it is the character's will to survive, he needs to act accordingly, and his actions must be believable given the situation.  The con-man staying in the wheel chair, that he obviously did not need to be in, demonstrates a lack of urgency.  When Daniel is stabbed, Frank has his "moment," a chance to make a life changing decision... He's given the chance to either be the coward and run away or be the hero and come to Daniel's aid.  Either one shows character, either one is interesting, either one adds to scene... yet he just sits in the chair and does nothing.  This was a wasted opportunity for something to happen.

Your characters' motivations generally do not make much sense.  The fact that guys stayed in town after their con, merely for Daniel to scare little kids on Halloween, is not believable.  You started off okay with a decent conflict; two con men, one wants to leave, one wants to stay, there is a friction that threatens their partnership.  But you didn't follow through on it.  The conflict kind of just went away, then two minutes later, Daniel decides, "hey, maybe we should leave" and Frank, who was still hell bent on leaving on the previous page, changes gears completely to a "well, we're already here now, might as well stay" attitude.  It didn't fit the character's motivation.  There is no longer anything holding them in the house, yet they stay and await their fate.  Now you need a new reason for them to be there.  Perhaps they're just about to leave when the girl shows up.  To make the sequence play out more realistic, you could do something like this...

Frank: If your dumb ass keeps going out there, messing with them kids, someone's gonna see you and you're gonna get us caught.  You want that?  Huh?

Daniel (pouts): Maybe you're right.  Maybe we should go.

Frank: Damn right, I'm right.  Grab your shit and let's...

There is a loud KNOCK at the door.

Now they no longer want to be inside, they're motivation is to leave, but they can't because someone's at the door blocking their exit.  You've created another conflict and added more tension.

Another thing that bothered me...  If the chair is part of the con, and Frank and Daniel are alone together in an empty house, Frank doesn't need to be in the chair because there's no one around to con.

You could also amp up the tension and horror of the conflict by making the guys more menacing.  As it is, they sound like a couple of bumbling idiots, incapable of successfully pulling off their own con.  You can't root for them to survive because they're not likeable characters.  So, you may as well give us more reason to hate them, this way you get us to root for the villain when she arrives to inflict some pain on a couple of more than deserving creeps.  This does something else for your story too...  The more vicious you make these guys, the scarier the little girl becomes when she overpowers them.  You can look to Predator for a terrific example of that type of story telling.

It's not easy to flesh out a story in ten pages, but you need to use your screen time wisely.  Crisper pace, tighter dialogue, keep your characters' motivation in mind at all times and create a sense of urgency to build suspense.

You put forth a good effort, I wouldn't mind seeing this again after some rewrites.

-Brian K. Millard
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 26 - 28
TheUsualSuspect
Posted: October 24th, 2010, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Canada
Posts
351
Posts Per Day
0.05
Thanks for the in depth response Red, will definitely incorporate those ideas into a re-write.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 28
kurisuborosen
Posted: November 4th, 2010, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
New


Thank you to all my readers everywhere.

Location
Australia
Posts
35
Posts Per Day
0.01
You came up with a decent story inside the (admittedly constricting) guidelines.  However, you obviously needed to run a few more drafts.  The description was clumsy and littered with grammatical errors.  Furthermore, I think you need to work on your dialogue more.  It was highly inconsistent in style, sometimes dramatized and sometimes pseudo-gritty.  All in all, you need to listen more to how people actually speak.  Think about what an actor would sound like saying these lines.  Make them natural.  Say them yourself.  Do they sound natural?

I'm no stranger to having crap dialogue in an early draft, and it can easily be remedied later on.  You obviously just needed to run through this a few more times.


"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat" - Lily Tomlin

http://twitter.com/kurisu_borosen

My Scripts - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 28 - 28
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006