Devil's Night by Michael K. Snyder - Short, Horror - On a dark and stormy night three travelers breakdown outside an abandoned house. Soon, each of them find out that something very sinister resides there. - pdf, format

Note, "it's" and "its", corrections needed.

SPOILERS

Although there are vivid elements of horror in these pages, I find no real emotion created -- it seems like maybe the shadow figure is going to be the main character in the story and that's were the drama will develop...

Good writing.   Aside from falling short of the 6 page page length minimum, this script fit the challenge to a T.   Pure evil.  Sorta reminded me of the Scream movies.  I like how you kept Ally alive and left her death to the reader's imagination.  Get rid of the Cut To's and page 3, it's lose, not loose.  Also, too much damn cussing.

I'd like to read more of your scripts if you've got any.

Michael,

Jeff: Either of you know where the bathroom is in this place?
Ally: Down the hall.
Jeff: Awesome.

Lol.  I don't know why I found that funny.  Overall this is good.  Nice imagery and pretty smooth descriptions throughout.  As an OWC script it's fine.  As a slasher it did leave a bit to be desired, as I'm not really a big fan of just everybody dying brutal deaths just cause, especially when we're not sure as to who exactly is killing them.  Some of the dialogue was also pretty slasher-routine, i.e. cursing, dude leaves room, something weird happens, insert jacking off reference, a couple what the fucks, and then everyone is dead.

But I digress.  This was a good read.  Nice job.

Greg

Michael,

I'll have to echo Greg a bit on this. Sometimes it was unintentionally funny, but as a short slasher, isn't it supposed to be?

I like the ambiguity of the ending. It really fit the context.

Overall, I liked it. I give it three young people hanging from their intestines... out of five.

I can't say I liked this one.  The characters were cliche and polarized.  Did anyone like anyone in this?

As far as story goes, there wasn't one.  It was an incomplete scene consisting of four images:  the introduction, first death, second, third death.  You need a lot more than this.  Sorry.


Phil  

Meh... Umm.... Well....

Came in short by a page.  Had pretty much no consistency.  The dialog is alright but 50's stiff at times.  I think the script pretty much serves as an exercise.  I'm not too fond of creature stalking idiots, though either.  Have you ever noticed that?  Like in most all slasher movies the monster has more charisma and character than the actual leads do?  Like, Jason has more intelligence and charisma than anyone he's ever killed.  Strange.

Anyways, at least you completed something, right?

This is like 10 scripts down I believe.  

Not much story here.  Reminds me a lot of the script I just reviewed but that one did a better job of building a backstory.  In this case, we have no explanation for the shadowy figure.  He just sorta lives there.  A lot of the dialogue was unintentionally funny, I'm afraid.  Zero suspense.  You had another five pages to create a real story, so I don't why you didn't use them.    

Huh? Is there pages missing from this?

It started very promising and the writing was good. Then it all fell apart! Did the writer 'finish' it in a hurry?

And I count the 'creature' as a fourth character so that was against the requirements.

Yeah, this felt pretty rushed. All elements to make up a horror were there but the script lacked originality and developed characters. Difficult to do in a week but others have managed it.

Hit the genre and all requirements apart from the minimum page limit. I think the script would have been better if you'd used at least the 6 pages.

Quoted from stevie And I count the 'creature' as a fourth character so that was against the requirements.

The requirement was to have three 'actors', Stevie. Mine has 4 characters as well.

Ste

Michael, congrats on completing an OWC script, but you didn't hit the page minimum and there's no excuse for this whatsoever, as you needed every page you had available to you.

This didn't work for me on any level.  There's no story here at all.  There aren't even any characters here, really.

Not sure what you were going for, but it didn't work.  Sorry.  Keep at it.

There is a pearl in here among what seems to be a very short (too short) script.  You do have skill in your writing style.

It does seem incomplete though. More of a scene rather than start and finished story.

Great job on the OWC.

Shawn......><

Not gonna pile it on, but it didn't work for me. You could've used those pages for some build up. Maybe one of them knows the legend of the beast in the woods. tells the story before the mayhem insues. Could have brought more tension to this.

Good job completing an OWC. Not gonna bitch about the page requirements here. You adhered to everything else.

James

Michael,

Congrats on completing the one week challenge.
Most of what I would have to say has already been said here.
This felt like a chunk of a scene than a story.
Lots of vulgarity and unlikable characters. It didn't really work for me.
You have many classic elements in place, but they don't come together here.
I think with some work you can flesh out a good story here.
Thanks for the read.

Regards,
E.D.

I wish there was some background, something for us to identify the shadowy creature. Otherwise it's just someone is chasing them, no mystery this way. Plus doesn't let me to feel for them as I'm not really scared of the shadowy creature.

Technically it's four characters total, I think.

There's basically nothing happening in this one. No plot, no story. Just three random killings by an unknown entity. You could've made some sort of story with the space provided.

-Trent

Um....aren't there FOUR characters?

I couldn't get into this story because there isn't one. I feel nothing for the three humans because there is nothing that I can relate to them. The talk about getting Chet's book to DC goes nowhere and didn't get a payoff. They are very shallow, made to be killed off.

There's nothing about the creature as well. Why does it kill people?

Very generic script, need to be thought out more. Sorry.

Herman

1 - Story: Eh... Boring. Been there. Done that. It's your turn now. Hooray.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Quite filmable. Inexpensive. I think the "real time-itiveness" makes it boring. Here's the b!tch of it: While House of Malvado is fundamentally much the same, the language limits your audience and the props+makeup+special effects required jack up the expense. The production gets pinched at both ends. A director would easily get around the three ambulatory characters (Ally, Jeff and Devil) by simply having dual roles for the male and female actors in costume as there are no scenes with all three on screen. Add a little at the end to make it a full story, otherwise it's like an opening sequence to a larger piece.
3 - Horror & Audience: Rated R for language,  better use it. You do. Time... is barely established. Good usage of house and location.
4 - Technicals & Format: Turn off your (CONTINUED) feature. "-ing" and "-ly" words galore, (I don't care but many do). Language is a bit "rough", like idiots talking.
5 - Title & Logline: Title doesn't reflect the story provided (other than the "Night" part). Logline, although accurate, lacks enticing qualities.
General Comments:
A - Theatrically read aloud the dialog. Try not to say "Okay. That... needs a little more work" afterwards.
B - The (very) basic premise of a/the devil in an old house is fine. With only five of ten pages used - go crazy, man. Have Ally, Chet & Jeff go poking around the house to find the bathroom and find clues to past evils or a story, include some humorous lost people in the house with funning around. Maybe they accidentally summon that which kills them. "Guilt" is a deep resource of horror movies.
C - Make the visuals on the murder/killings more... visual. Sh!t, it's already an R rating. Gopherit!

Hey all!

First off thanks for reading it!

For all of you who are saying it's funny, it's meant to be! It's a satire on slasher films while still being a slasher film. It's cliche because slasher films tend to be cliche, and it seems like a scene from a bigger script because it is a scene from a bigger script! It's simply a satire.


Thanks again!

I liked it. Very descriptive, just when I thought I was out, it pulled me back in.


Leonard

I'm sorry, but when I read this "Chet peeks inside where Jeff is dead hanging from the shower
curtain rod by his intestines."  I laughed.  I don't know if the comedy was intentional, but it was effective.  Other than that, you need to work on your dialogue.  It was too on-the-nose.  Try and work subtext into as much of your dialogue as possible.  Most of the time, people don't say exactly what they think.