Balt, I’m not trying to be an ass here, although I guess it just comes naturally for me.  I am trying to make a point though, and you don’t seem to want to acknowledge it.

Yes, Aubry and Orvil were referenced in the script, but we have absolutely no clue who they are or were, because you didn’t give them any back-story at all, meaning their inclusion comes off as a “HUH?” for your readers.  They didn’t need any onscreen time, but if you’re going to reference them, we need to know who the heck they are/were. Know what I’m saying?

You did talk the script up, but that’s cool.  Lots of people did. Some more seriously than others, but that’s all part of the fun, so no big deal there.  No reason to go searching for quote-unquote comments, IMO.

I’m not trying to pound the technical aspects into the ground.  As I said in my last post, the grammar/technical stuff is no big deal.

What is a big deal, is that there are obvious ways (which I’ve pointed out) in which you could have told your complete story in 10 pages.  That’s what an OWC, or any other page restricted challenge/comp is all about – coming up with a story that can be told in the page limitation and then writing it so that it does indeed fit under the page restriction.   That’s what I’m trying to pound, and that’s what you continue to not address or acknowledge.

As I see it, your story has very little to do with your 3 characters.  Any 3 characters could be inserted here and it wouldn’t change anything that matters.  Your story has to do with Kline Manor, and its history, which you glanced over at best, because you didn’t have the room, based on the fact that you totally over wrote the setup.

That’s all I’m trying to get across to you.  You keep saying it will all be fixed up when you expand it to a 20-30 page script.  But again, that has nothing to do with what we’re looking at here, which is a 10 page script that doesn’t address your actual story at all.

OK?  We cool?  We understand each other?

Jeff, again, the audience I am aiming for doesn't need everything shoved down their throats.  We get into what happened to Aubrey.  We touch on Orvil, her father, killing the 16 rail workers.  In 10 pages you do what you can.  I'm sorry it didn't work for you and you need it spelled out more.  I don't think it needs to be in this instance.  Will it be?  Sure. I'll flesh it out more, as it was told to me...

On the basis of the challenge It works.  There is no ill will here.  And I didn't talk the script up.  I said, again, I was happy with it.  Nothing more... Nothing less.  Unless you're talking about when Michale said his script was a big bad wolf and I said mine was reinforced with 200 feet of steel... Then that was clearly sarcasm.

Dylan was the lead, he was there for a reason.  Lindsay was there for a reason... Hal serves a purpose for Dylan.  They all have reason.  They were all developed pretty damn good for a 10 page short at that.  The dialog, needed or not, between them was very lax and flows easily.  To say it doesn't is lunacy.

I get what you're trying to say... I just disagree.  Take a closer look, technicals aside, you'll see.  I can't help but feel, as much as you're stressing over the competition, you're doing everything but addressing what is important.  And that is the requirements I hit.  I wrote a complete story, using the exact criteria Don gave us, within a week... Properly formatted... And in 10 pages.  If others can see this, why can't you?  

Now, you might not like it.  But there are hundreds of horror stories and movies I don't like.  They still exist, though.  Know what I mean?

OK, Balt, that's cool.

I guess either I'm not being clear or you're not interested in discussing or hearing it.

It has nothing to do with me not liking this script, BTW.  And for the record, I don't dislike it.

Peace...

I think this is good, but nothing too special about the story.

I think it's because I've read so many entries already and they all have a similar feel: people wandered into a haunted house, they got captured or haunted by the ghost/creature/witch, they died.

There's nothing wrong with this, it's just there needs to be something more to stand out from the rest of the pack. And by no means it is an easy thing to do given the theme and restrictions.

The dialogue is pretty good on the whole. Liked the Hal Ween joke. Some good suspense building as well. Liked how Hal was given the wine and he thought it was his reward.

Congrats on completing the challenge.


Herman

Herman, thanks for the read as well.  

I'm the same way you are at this point.  Every OWC is bleeding together and only Phil's offering is standing out as different.  Which, in this instance, is to be expected.  The theme was the theme and everyone played it safe.  Including me.  But I think that's what was called for.  A simple horror story.  Hell, how complex can you get with 3 characters, one in a wheelchair?  

I gave myself personal goals in this script and tried to stick to them.  For one this is the 1st script I've written in some time.  Many, many months.  I've worked on a few other scripts in this time, but largely devoted my time and resources into my band and animation project.  This script was written for me to see if I wanted to jump back in and try to sell a script again.  To see if it's something I feel like pursuing.

Another goal I set was to not utter a cuss word one in it.  I said "Damn", but feel that's as good as not cussing.

I also wanted this story to be told quickly and have the leads not give to shits about the lore and legends of a creepy house.  We seen that too many times.  If you notice, neither Dylan or Lindsay were scared.  Hal, for obvious reasons.  This was important for me to pull off.  Another thing I wanted to do was make it an in and out affair.  He knew why he was there... Get in and get the fluck out.  No sticking around.  No jackin' around.

Along with these things, and there are many I didn't get to do, I feel I did the challenge by the book.  There is a larger story here and one I want to explore a bit more, as it is based on actual events... But I'm in the process of polishing up a script of mine that I'll be entering into copious contest next year.

Again, thank you for the read and I hope this sheds a bit of light onto things.  

Hi Balt,

So another ghost story...

Well, it is the best out of the ones I have already read. You kept me on edge while I was reading, not sure what was going to happen next.

Congrats on completing the OWC. Good job.

Cindy

Balt,

This story was a bit too predictable, and I think it suffers from the restrictions of the challenge.  It seems to need many more pages to grow and growl.

The characters didn't overly grab me, but at least Dylan had motivation for being in the manor.  The pacing seemed a bit lethargic early on, again suited for a bigger story. I kind of like the back story of the rail workers and the rape, but didn't think it parlayed well into this story's horror.

Overall the writing was crisp, but watch out purple prose: Opening description of Kline Manor  — you use “blanket” twice in the same sentence.

You've got something here to build on.  Good job for one week.

Cindy -- I thank you for the read.  I read your script "The eye", which I really liked a great deal.  The story here is "another" Ghost Story, and I knew when Don laid out 3 actors many folks here were gonna go this route.  But the story fit the bill and I worked with what I had.  There is more story here, and I'll be uploading a bigger, better version soon.

Abe -  I didn't even see that Blanket, damnit!  Thanks for that.  I overlooked it every damn time.  Unacceptable.  I cannot believe that.  Fixed, believe me.

I dunno, I think the characters, of course I'm gonna be biased because I wrote, are alright.  More so for a 10 pager.  I d agree 100% the pacing is so off in this one.  It's slow and then warp speed.  I hate how this one reads.   I appreciate the read and am making my rounds through the OWC scripts, all of them.  Which I'm coming to the end of luckily.

1 - Story: Fairly decent. Another fine presentation of standard haunted house material.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily filmable on a reasonable budget. Decent proof of concept shoot in addition to being a complete short, much appreciated.
3 - Horror & Audience: Fine slasher/ghost/madman horror. Nice big juicy audience. Looks like blood and gore will get this an R rating. Date established, abandoned house - check, didn't burn it down - check. appropriate cast - check, dark and stormy night theme established - check. Good usage of house interior and exterior. Will be difficult to find a nice big mansion on a hill, though.
4 - Technicals & Format: All fine. I like your dialog, Lindsey's character kinda flipped flopped in the middle some, no big whup. Parentheticals are used well. Turn off that dialog (CONT'D) feature.
5 - Title & Logline: Fine title. Nice logline.
General Comments:
A - Eight pages of set-up for two pages of promised horror. Mmm... Can you reverse that ratio? (Yes, I know you're working on a longer story/feature. Bring this principle to that. However, I like my stories action packed front to end while many others enjoy the slow burn of tightening, conversational tension. As you wish.)
B - Name the frat Dylan is pledging, state more items on the "to do" list that mentally carry the audience beyond this terminal night.
C - The light humor is good.
D - Character continuity needed.
PDF pg 3
       LINDSAY
    Dylan, this is nuts. No way I'm
    going up there. I mean, we could go
    to jail for this.
followed by
PDF pg 6
       LINDSAY
    Like your mousy little valley girls?
    Hardly. It takes more than spooky
    houses and dim lighting to rattle my
    cage. I know none of it's real.

All of a sudden she's miss capable, bada$$?
Continuity of character.

Rayw, I was looking forward to your review because I knew it'd be presented well.  I wasn't wrong.  

The only thing I disagree with that you said is Lindsay's switch of attitude.  She never really did have one.  She didn't wanna go to jail, sure.  But she wasn't afraid of the house.  Or was she?  I brought out little instances where she could be affraid.

1. Not going up to the house.
2. The Wolf Howling and her trying to detract from going on.
3. Asking for a light.

Subtle, but she was trying to be the capable bad@$$$ in front of Dylan but he kind of picked up on it.  Thus he said "Don't worry, I don't think there are any Elephants running around in here."

It might not have came off in the 10 pages here but I'm currently working on this one and will drum everything out and stretch it more.  All of the deaths don't occur so quickly and there are more items they obtain that actually tells the backstory.

I appreciate the read and your time.

Hey Balt.  I offered up to read anybody who asked on the main thread, and only a few actually took me up on it.

So, free to pick and choose, I decided I was curious what you got here.

I have read enough of your comments to know how you feel about this one and what you plan to change, so I am just going to focus on what you chose to include here in your 10-page draft.

First off, I will echo those who suggest losing the copyright in the title.  It is pretentious and a bit silly, and while you may be a lot of things, pretentious and silly do not suit you.

The dialogue up front may go on for a bit long, but it does help to establish Dylan and Lindsay, so I would not call it wasted space.  But Hal, not so much.  The third-page you devote to the "howling wolf" is kind of wasted though, and would have been better spent giving Hal a few more lines.

Once inside, without any explanation, Hal's job of spreading newspapers is absurd, and seems to exist merely as a set-up for your punchline.  When you rewrite, be sure to give Hal something better to do, or at the very least, a better reason for doing it.

And a small complaint, why not give Lindsay a flashlight?  What's the big deal?  It doesn't affect the story, and is more believable.

On page 8 you have a typo spellcheck won't catch.  You mean provocative, not proactive.

I also noticed you making use of the ol' double dash -- I like it, too -- but I do not use it to begin new, capitalized sentences.  I am pretty sure that is not correct -- can't swear to it -- but pretty sure.  

I would also argue that the V.O. you give the Old Man should be O.S.  Sure, you could probably make a case either way, but O.S. is what I would choose.

And I do not get the very, very end -- with Kline Manor fully restored.  Why end with that image?  Is that because Don said you could not burn it down?

So this reads pretty tight.  Your action always flows well, and your dialogue is clever more often than not.  This one is no exception.  When you go back into this story, I would encourage you to create more for Hal to do.  He is kind of wasted in this.  And I would give the Old Man better things to say that were less cliché.  Fun read otherwise -- and looking forward to the Director's Cut.

Baltis,

Good script.  You are clearly well versed in format and story structure.  In fact, the only thing I can say about your formatting is that I noticed a few orphans here and there.  Not that big of a deal, but they cost you valuable space when you only have 10 pages to tell a story.

I didn't quite "get" the last part of the ending either but the whole thing was very well written.  The ending might have been a little rushed, but the pacing worked.  The dialogue was excellent, the action and description were very good and the two main characters were pretty well drawn for the space and time allotted.  I think if you were to trim some of the establishing dialogue a bit (the "wolf/elephant" scene comes to mind) and lose the orphans you could've given us another half page or so of back story on Kline Manor and the previous goings on that took place there.

Other than that, excellent job.  Very fluid read and very enjoyable.  I look forward to reading future drafts and your other works.

Oh, one more thing...  I think instead of dashes you should consider using commas when writing your action...    Just funnin' ya, pal.  Seriously, enjoyed the script.

-Brian K. Millard

Very good overall but I think you could benefit from using the "To The Right" rule - beginning your sentences with the subject and the verb and all the other elements of the sentence branch off to the right.

For instance, instead of "Like a whip, lightning cracks..."
Try "Lightning cracks like a whip" and so on.

Of course, you don't always want to follow this rule. Especially when you're trying to build tension.

Bert/Duck & Sanderson - Glad you read this one.  I'll reference all of your points here, so ignore the gushing to Bert.  "ha"

Bert, I've always held your work to a set standard, so having you and Phil read this and toss out some input is always welcomed.

The copyright is pretentious and absurd.  Believe me.  Don said put a copyright logo on it and for some stupid reason I did it behind the title in the upload.  I always do it behind the title on the script, but, yeah, stupid.  I kick myself every time I see it on the portal page, believe me.

The newspaper bit is rushed.  Very rushed.  Originally, and since then, Dylan gets into why as he's handing them to Hal.  Lindsay says "Sounds complex and why are we doing this?"  And he then gets into the story of how the rail workers would lay them out and lay on them to wait out the rain.  It reads much better in the final build.  And Lindsay is included in it, not just Hal.

The whole story is stretched over, what appears to be about 24 to 26 pages when all is said and done.  So lots of stuff added.

I'm glad you're one of the ones who feels the dialog isn't a detraction or a weight.  I feel it lends believability to the cast and that is why I opted to keep it at 5 page out and 5 pages in.

The double dash thing is something I tried out here.  I usually do the one, but since the format was changed I wanted to try it out.

Why did Lindsay not get a flashlight?  Well, in this version it's because the Frat says only one.  But I think I'm gonna change this bit now.  

The Ghost of Orvil was original O.S.  -- Then I uploaded it and decided to change it to V.O. as to not break the 3 character rule.  Don said 3 characters and I wanted to stick to that.  But he never said anything about sounds.  I felt, be it good or bad, I was doing the challenge properly by making it a V.O.  I do believe it should be O.S. and it will be in the final version, but I had to adhere to the challenge and rules and I bent them a lot here.

I am doing more with Hal, lots more.  He has more stuff to do downstairs and ends up finding a wine cellar, actually.  It's a pretty good scene.  So, I'm taking all that crit to heart.  Believe me.

The ending, with the Manor being restored, is something I wanted to do from the offset.  I wanted it to be burnt down and yet heal itself.  Making a character out of it sort of.  Bending the rules to my advantage. I wanted it to come off more cleverly, and I wanted more to question that, but it didn't work.  Phil brought it to my attention that the list played a character also.  And I never thought about it until he had said that.   But the gist of the house being restored was to show that all that had happened inside had no weight on the house itself.  Dylan, Lindsay and Hal were just "Some" of the victims of the house.  They became apart of the legend and lore that will be told again and again.  

You ever hear the 3 little pigs?  It's told with a similar structure that we all know, but it changes subtly from storyteller to storyteller.  That is what I wanted to pull off here.  The next story started to be told at the end of this one.  Only, the storyteller telling it said the house was intact; not burnt.  Subtle.

I don't think I conveyed it the way I wanted to here, but will in the final version.

Bert, I admire you a great deal and I thank you for your time and ideas about what to change and will take them to heart.

--
P.S.

I overly use the CAP to bring things off the page.  This is something I've practiced, although got a bit jumpy here, since "Coffin Canyon" was praised by an analyst for how interesting it was to read.  The draft in question, was 152 pages, by the way.  It's something I've since toned down on, and admit I got out of hand here, but it's something I believe adds voice and character to the pages.

Quoted from balt I kick myself every time I see it on the portal page, believe me.

Well that is easily remedied, Balt.  You just need to ask.  Of course, from a marketing perspective it does make it stand out haha -- so let me know if you decide that you want to put it back...

Quoted from balt ...he then gets into the story of how the rail workers would lay them out and lay on them to wait out the rain.

Gotcha.  Now that I know there is missing backstory, it doesn't seem so odd.  I can see how making quick cuts could have left this detail hanging unsupported.

Quoted from balt The double dash thing is something I tried out here.

I love it -- use it all the time.  It is a technique I cribbed from Goldman.  Steal from the best, you know?

Quoted from balt ...but it's something I believe adds voice and character to the pages.

I have come to believe that is one of the most important aspects to all this.

Some rule-hounds will try to stifle that, but I say go with your gut and your instincts to tell you what works and what doesn't.  You've got voice in spades, so no worries.  Good luck with the rewrite.