Overall, this script was good. The dialogue was mostly nice and the story was all right. There were unfixed errors here and there, but I'm sure you've already been told them in your 3 pages of comments.

There are two things about this story I have to comment on. One is a line Lindsay said which did not ring true for her character at all, "Ain't the Hilton." That, coming from an 18-year old virgin girl who was a Valedictorian, does not sound right at all. "Ain't" is something you'd be more likely to hear from the hobo.

The next is a one-word change. "Interest peaked, Lindsay saunters over to it" I hate this error more than most. It's not "peaked", in this case, it's "piqued".

Mostly, that's all, though.

Mr. Blonde, you are correct in that -- "ain't" sounds a little backwoodish.  Noted and a since changed.  I've also changed peaked to piqued.  Thank you for the read and I can't remember if I've read yours or not but I'm making my way through them all.  I've got like 4 left.  All of them are blurring together now, though.  

Quoted from Baltis. Mr. Blonde, you are correct in that -- "ain't" sounds a little backwoodish.  Noted and a since changed.  I've also changed peaked to piqued.  Thank you for the read and I can't remember if I've read yours or not but I'm making my way through them all.  I've got like 4 left.  All of them are blurring together now, though.

You're welcome. And, you did.

Status update:  I've just finished the 1st draft of the full version of this script.  It came in at 31 pages and many of the issues you all have addressed have been fixed.  I thank you for your input as it helped me write a much more cohesive script in the end.  I'll do another rewrite, prolly after 3 or 4 days of sitting on it, and then post the complete version of it when I'm done.  I think I'll try and twiddle it down to 25 pages, though.

Don't worry, if you read this version the new version has enough new content to warrant another read.  The deaths don't occur one after the other and there is much more going on in the house this time around.  The ending reflects more of what I was going for too.  So don't feel it's going to be the same thing just longer and more drawn out.

Thanks again for all the input you all have given me.  This OWC actually became a piece I could be proud of and put beside my many other 25 to 60 page horror/thriller screenplays.

Edit:  Oh, and it's also in my format of choice, which also lends to a few extra pages.  The format is super clean, unlike Trottier's format.

Hello Baltis,

This was okay.  It was quick & easy to read.  I'm not one for these type of frat stories.  I've read a few comments and if you create some sort of back story for Lindsay and Hal, well mainly Lindsay, then I'd say this can be better.  I didn't really see the horror, it came and went in a flash.

EDIT, didn't realise that Baltis was your real name, thought it was a nickname.  Pretty cool name.

All the best with the rewrite,

Javier