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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Inner Demons - OWC
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  Author    Inner Demons - OWC  (currently 4183 views)
coldsnap
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Thanks again guys, wow that's more feedback than I expected. I've always been aware of my problem with being too verbose in my descriptions and dialogue, but Phil you nailed it with the clear examples, especially with the dialogue, that's exactly what I needed to see. I also kind of agree with rendevous though, regarding the shooting script vs. screenplay debate. Seeing as how most of our stuff is not meant to go beyond the written page, I think the writing -- the action/description elements anyway -- might lend itself more to a prose feel, but while still retaining a terse, concise flow. The bit about orphans and progressing verbs was extremely helpful too. All stuff to look out for in future works.

You guys definitely got the vibe I was going for -- creepy, subtle, moody -- as opposed to in-your-face horror and gore. I also knew, the moment I submitted this (as several of you mentioned) that not much is really happening, but I guess that was more of a page constraint issue than anything else. I was reaching the 10 page limit and realized I still had more story to tell, so I left it as is. What I really wanted to do was have the priest perform a full-on exorcism, but alas space just didn't permit it this time. Maybe in the "director's cut"... I just found it really cool how we all had very different takes on a common theme.

Ledbetter, no this isn't the first script I've written, but it's definitely the first I've finished - so to speak - in a long time. This OWC was the fire under my ass I needed to get going again. I guess I'm notorious for shelving projects and never coming back to them. Something I'm looking to rectify. I'm also a little slow with my work so bear with me.

Thanks for the welcome people. Looking forward to reading all of your stuff and sharing more of mine.


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khamanna
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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I really liked your story, it's very spooky. Pretty original too. The setting is a lot of fun, very different to the rest of the entries.

I picture it happening in 60's. 70's - that would explain the dialog, they talk in a very formal way which somehow works just fine. I guess if the story is original and fun everything would be just fine.

You pulled me in right away. The beginning is over descriptive for me a bit though - a little too long to go through - I wanted to get to the meat of the story fast.


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TheBoyWonder
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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I think this script fit the requirements for the challenge the best. It wasn't my favorite script because I don't particularly like "ghost hunter" themes, but it was still one of the better entries.

-Trent
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Coding Herman
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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Oh man! I was sooooo engaged with the story, and then I figured either you have no room to play out the rest of the story, or you didn't know how to end it.

I think your setup and everything was very intriguing. You are very good at building up suspense. The camera footage sequence worked well as it pique my interest to know what's going on.

The image of Matthew in a wheelchair is definitely creepy. It's creepy is only because you've setup that Grimwood was in a wheelchair as well. So good job on that.

Now, the last two pages, weird things happening, drawers open by themselves, floorboards collapse, these are good. But the resolution is way too easy. Just getting Matthew out will solve the problem? I don't think this do justice to the rest of the script.

I hope you can rewrite the ending, let them confront the half decomposed corpse, because right now you are just avoiding the conflict.

But I still really liked this. Very good job.

Herman


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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RayW
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 6:36am Report to Moderator
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1 - Story: Nice. It had a pleasant mature feel to it, not very heart thumping or stimulating, but fairly tense.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily filmable. Almost a no-budget demand.
3 - Horror & Audience: More creepy-spooky than horror. Pleasant goreless story, PG-13. And it was a story rather than a scene or sequence, which is appreciated. "Dark and Stormy Night" theme - check. Date established/actors/unoccupied house/sans "Halloween" - check x 4. Good job of following directions. This might be fun to shoot for yourselves, assuming you have a silver haired 50 year old man about.
4 - Technicals & Format: A few "-ing" and "-ly" words (I don't care about them, but others do). "e"s in storey need to be removed.
5 - Title & Logline:  Demons on the submission, Inner Demons on the PDF, I think there's only a singular demon. Do demon's haunt houses like ghosts? Logline does not match the story. Emily & Father London remove Matthew from the house, not any demon or ghost and it wasn't very drastic.
General Comments:
A -
Break up the exposition (which is fine by me, but other's grieve over) on PDF pgs 4 & 5 with actions. I know it sucks up lines, but... that.
B - You did a good job keeping the Character demeanor consistent. Good character continuity.
C - Ditch the last names that don't even match, Bright & Hayward. They add nothing to the story.
D - I don't understand the point of having the mystery of the paraplegic Grimwood move up and down the steps in a wheelchair a hundred years ago.
D - It was good to see some action begin by the end of page four. Move beyond the less-is more subtle garbage of Blair Witch pipes and drawers moving and banging. Horror it up! Have the demon scare the pudding out of Emily and Father London by ratcheting up the antics rather fast. Rush the action to begin earlier on page 4, edit down (not out) the video sequence and give yourself some more space to begin with the drawer coming out, followed by rusty knives and forks flying through the air to drive out Em & Preach while Matt gurgles foamy goop (milk/strawberry quick/tangerine SunnyD) forcing them to briefly debate on saving themselves or saving Matt. Then you have some horror going on. And it's cheap, too!  GL.



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Sanderson
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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I just wanted to say I like this one a lot. I really like Father London. I like how mature this one felt.
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mojomccann
Posted: November 16th, 2010, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Mario, read the script and enjoyed it very much, flows great.
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