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Fraser - funny guy. Really like the use of darkness and lightning in the opening pages. Really quick enjoyable read, credit to you for that Steve. Well written, nicely paced and half decent revenge story. Certainly couldn't predict the ending. I like the irony of Fraser's demise. William's last words were almost too close to call ha ha.
I am going to do my best in reading every entry this OWC offers up. I've been super busy the last 2 days so my reading has been stalled a bit -- I'm making my way down the list in order as they are posted.
From the outset I wanna stress the space issue within a script. After FADE OUT: you space 3 times and hit your THE END. But after your scene headers always space them 1 time. It just makes things so much easier to read. I know this challenge was tough to get under 10 pages, believe me, but standard scripts should have the space.
Not saying you didn't know this or practice it elsewhere. Just saying in general. Also, a good rule of thumb, and not everyone does it, is to double space after the period. It's more a preference. This is all technical jargon that matters none about the challenge, though.
What I'm looking at when reading these is if they match the requirements given and make a cohesive attempt at story, pace and plot within a week.
You hit the criteria here. Everything was written well and fluid. I didn't hate or care for the 3rd character being of no use, other than a plot progression. It didn't bother me, but it didn't sell me, either.
Some of the dialog did go on a bit with many (BEATS) in between. These instance my interest swayed but never to the point it became a chore to read. I think the overall consensus here is that it's a good script with an above average plot I've read in other entries. I'm still partial to Phil's entry, but this one is up at the top to be honest. But there are some really good scripts coming out of this, though. You should be proud of what you've done here in a week.
I also loved the water bit and the set up for it. Nice. It also plays directly into the title I believe.
Hey Stevie, congrats on a very well written script here.
You know how impressed I was with this, when you shot it over to me last week. I'll say it again here just for the Hell of it...I am very impressed with this effort. It's well conceived, well written, meets the criteria, and is easily one of the best scripts so far.
As I told you before, there are a few flaws, but when a script is well put together and well written, it's easy to overlook the flaws, which is a big difference between this script and the vast majority of the other OWC entries.
Obviously, the flooding takes place way too quickly, but it doesn't really hurt the script, IMO.
The ages are an issue which you can and should fix, and I'd also say the actual marriage details need work. Personally, I'd make the characters older (or the event itself) more recent, and have them already married before the accident. I think you'd fix 2 issues with a single plot point.
One more thing I wanted to bring up that no one has touched upon...you say she was under water for 2 minutes. Is this really something that could cause her demise? Many normal people can hold their breath for well over a minute, and "pros" can do it for crazy long times. Maybe a little research and a quick fix, or am I wrong?
Balt, it is 100% standard to use 2 spaces after a period in all formats/types of writing. Why many don't know this amazes and confounds me.
MC - sorry you didn't overly dig it Michael. Yeah, I made some changes before submitting. I see your point about stretching things too much - I'll take it onboard for a re-write... You liked my pisstake better? Cool, but it hasn't surfaced yet!! Maybe i could get Don to swap them!!!
Khamanna - thanks for the read and comments; I am always guilty of too much dialogue but it was actaully cut back for this (by my standards anyway!)...
Malc - cheers man. Glad you enjoyed it!
Balt - nice review, thanks! I hear you re the spacing stuff - i know you're passoinate about this. I think my space after a slug is ok, but I only space forward once after a period. But I can see the extra white a double gives the page, so I'll give it a go. A few people have mentioned how the title reflects the water thing or vice versa; I thought it up after finshing I think - i'm a big fan of no-nonsense one word title, easy to recall!!
Jeff - cheers bro! You were the first person to read it pre-submit, and i was stoked you liked it. It made my day! i wrote it fairly quickly so sort of skimmed over the finer details you mention like ages, breath capacity, etc. i can easily fix all that in a re-write.
The speed of the water rising? Yeah, I gambled on people not noticing it or accepting it - actaully I thing Jeff is the only one so far to bring it up!! I tried to make it clear the dam had been in for a few weeks - the storm had added to the flooding, so...
I'd say your writing has improved, Stevie. This is better than I expected. Easy to visualise. Dialogue was well written too.
Not sure you need to write 'chair. Know what you mean. Just took me out of it for a minute.
I'd lose the (CON'T) too. Rare to see them these days in Pro scripts. And we want to be pro. One fine day I'll be rich in movies. I won't. But I can dream.
The exclamation mark is something to be careful with. I'd say it'd work better without. Put that sentence on a separate line.
Stevie, I can pick on stuff all day. Glad to report it's all small stuff that don't matter much.
To summarise this is very good. You're improving. Make sure you keep it up.
R xo
p.s. She Loves You, Yeah Yeah Yeah And with a love like that You know you should be glad
Very impressive, Stevie. Dialogue - v.natural. Plot - yep, you've got one, Meets the criteria - tick. Descriptions - excellent. And... I don't think the 'flooding happened too quickly either - it's a 'short', so I think you handled the pacing really well. I could quibble about a coupla things - i.e. the two minute underwater thing did make me think for a minute, I think longer would have been a bit more credible, but hey, that would be being lil pedantic. Definitely in my Top 5. Well done mate!
I liked that this one actually used the storm to its full potential and the idea of Fraser looking up through the water imploringly is disturbing indeed. I think you could've shown William kill himself through Fraser's eyes rather than show it outright. Would've been more effective.
That said, I think I would've liked this more if I'd read it earlier. Fraser uses the cheapest ploys to try and get out of his binds. William has just about everything in the world wrong with him. Of course, this is what makes the story function and function dramatically at that. But after reading several scripts in the same location with more or less the same characters, I need something a little fresher.
I should note this review is probably a little unfair and biased. I think when there's 40 entries and a number of stories that feel the same, it's going to take its toll on how you respond to a given script. As is the case here.
That said, I suppose it's a strong effort. Sorry I couldn't look at it a little more objectively. Maybe I'll come back to it a little later.
Pretty good. More of a revenge story than horror, but that's okay with me.
I'd like the story to be presented more visually, because right now the entire story is completely told by dialogue, especially the backstory. I know it's tricky, because you have to stay in the house for this challenge, maybe you can show us the backstory when you do the rewrite.
From page 4 to 6, the dialogue is just about Fraser pleading and William countering it. I wish there is something more happening. Or tighten up the dialogue.
I'm not sure I liked the characters either. Both Fraser and William are kinda despicable because of what they did before and now, respectively.
But overall, I still enjoyed it.
Herman
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
I guess I'm severely in the minority, here. This one just didn't do it for me. Dialogue, characters, format, nothing was working for me, I'm sorry to say.
The dialogue was very on-the-nose, to me. It didn't sound natural or really flow.
Characters; honestly, I've read several scripts on here very close to this one, in idea. Usually, though, the girl dies and doesn't become catatonic. I'll give you props there.
Formatting bothered me, as well. Use of underscore instead of hyphens, lots of orphans, a few mis-spelled words (not just the "across the pond" translations).
So, while I tried to like it, I just couldn't. Best of luck, though, as I see a lot of other people did. =)
RV - cheers laddie. Glad you liked it. My fave Beatle song is 'She Said She Said', from the best album ever made, 'Revolver'. My fave Macca solo song is 'Junior's farm'.
LC - hey Lib, long time no see. How's Sydney? Manly will be back up next year. Thanks for the read and kind words.
James - been good Skyping to you lately! Yeah, I had planned for the final shot to be through Fraser's eyes but I couldn't write it as I wanted. And,yes, I agree the script might've had more impact for you if 'fresh'!
Herman - yeah, I tried to keep the backstory to a minimum, as my dialogue was long enough already (thought short by my usual trend!) I'll let this none sit and ferment before I look at again. Cheers again mate
Sean - sorry you didn't get into it, man! Believe me, after I'd read it a few times, it sounded crappy to me in parts! Um, I use underscore for an interruption in dialogue - have always done. Not sure what words were mis-spelled as i'm pretty good with that usually. Thanks for the read and good luck with the virus feature - i liked your short for this.
1 - Story: That was a well paced, nice little semi-horror story. More of intense drama absent any supernatural or grisly torture. 2 - Filmable & Budget: Yeah, but the flooding scene, for a short (and it was the briefest of shorts), really makes things expensive. 3 - Horror & Audience: Really intense drama rather than horror. Language kicks it into R territory. There's a great audience for this flavor of story. Good usage of house. It hits all of the challenge's limitations pretty good. It's a short, not a scene or sequence, and that's appreciated. 4 - Technicals & Format: Both are fine. 5 - Title & Logline: Insightful title, I like it. Chop off that second sentence of your logline and change "you" to "him" General Comments: A - It's fundamentally a good story, as is.
I thought this was quite good, though I've seen this one before. Kind of a typical formula but I think you pulled it off a lot better than it usually comes out. Some good dialogue and tension here and even though there was a minor disaster going on outside, there weren't really any loose ties. Everything just came together nicely. My only real question I think is more of an error, which is why the hell did William marry a vegetable? Or how could a vegetable marry anyone? My guess is that a line is missing - paralyzed at 15 but maybe not in a vegetative state until much, much later.
Congrats on going all-out to abandon your comedic roots and write a horror script! Great job there. And this is good, too.
I think the hardships do pile up a bit much, though. Trouble with slapping on tragedy after tragedy is that it actually starts to become funny. Oscar Wilde always said he couldn't get to the end of The Old Curiosity Shop without laughing his head off, such was the extent of the misery. Financial troubles, brain damage, inoperable tumors, suicide...it's all here, and it all gets a bit much. The situation you've crafted is a good one, but I think you could possibly reign back somewhere on Just How Awful Everything Is.
Anyway, I liked the ending, and for your first step into a completely different genre, this was fine work. And not a Beatle in sight! We're all proud.
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