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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Cleansed - OWC
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jayrex
Posted: November 10th, 2010, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Sorry Stevie,  I don't like it.  I don't buy it and felt like a rehash of an aged old story.

I just don't see anyone marrying someone who's brain damaged and by the sounds of Rachel's immobility to do anything, I can't imagine her saying 'I do' at a wedding.

I also think it's cruel to have her out of her wheelchair lying on the floor of a derelict building.

I gather when towns and villages are swallowed up that this is usually done during the day and there's someone there to check every property prior to letting the dam fill up.

I wasn't fond of some of the wording like boiling over.  Didn't feel right.

Sorry dude but this didn't work for me.

All the best with any potential rewrites,


Javier


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stevie
Posted: November 10th, 2010, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Hi Javier. Thanks for the read and comments.

Sorry you didn't like it!  A few people questioned about marrying a 'vegetable' - William, to me, has gone a bit loopy over the years. The accident affected him as Rachel was the love of his life back then. He wanted to spend the rest of his life looking after Rachel so married her. These people are backwoods types adn I couldn't see any big deal about him marrying her. I'm sure it happens among 'normal' suburban folks too.
wWlliam's state of mind is also why Rachel is lying on the floor - she's past worrying about it, and Fraser tied to the wheelchair is symbolic of why he's been taken to the house.
The flooding was always a bit risky for me as a writer, with the logistics and stuff. I just sort of ignored some of the fine print that would be involved for the sake of the story.

It's funny cos only a few people commented on the hows and whys of it.

Cheers stevie



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leitskev
Posted: February 25th, 2011, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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This script is very well written. But I had problems with the story. The flooding of an area to make a reservoir is kind of played out in other movies. It's hard for me to imagine it happening at night. And in this day and age, it would be carefully done, no chance of victims. In fact, it would be a slow, controlled release.

The water just happens to fill as William is about to kill his wife and Fraser? I know that was kind of part of the plan, but William still seemed a little surprised.

And William married this girl when? She was 15 when she became a veg. And she's been a veg for almost 40 years? Come to think of, she was 15, is 42 now, Fraser is 50. So Fraser was 13 when he drove drunk? Maybe I missed something.

From the work, I can tell this is a writer who probably has a lot of good stuff under his belt. For a contest submission it works well enough, certainly is an easy read, the dialogue well done. I just didn't buy into the story. I look forward to reading other work by the author.
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