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Cleansed by Steve McDonell (stevie) - Short, Horror - A man finds that the past can come back to haunt you. Especially on October thirty first. - pdf, format
I liked this script, Stevie. It had a nice down-to-Earth gothic feel to it. I would suggest tightening the dialog up a little bit and, at the same time, adding to the piece to build some suspense. A little contradictory, I know. Have William explain his hardships (but don't add anymore hardships to his story.
I'm not sure why William would marry a vegetable, though....
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Old Klingon Proverb. Sorry, Stevie this one didn't do much for me. I think I've just officially burned out on reading stories of murder and mayhem. This one was well-written, though.
Btw, isn't flooding the house pretty much equivalent to burning it down?
EDIT: Steve, I read your script last night after a long day's work. Tired. After thinking about it again this morning...I like it a whole better. The house filling up with water would look pretty terrifying on film.
Liked this one, Stevie. Simple and to the point. Starts out with an intriguing scenario with the guy in a wheelchair for some unknown reason, but you let the details trickle in until the truth is revealed.
"Like a shark's eye. Like a doll's eye..."
Seen Jaws lately?
Creative use of the abandoned house theme, and so far the most creative deaths in this OWC.
Hi guys. Thanks for the read and comments. This was my first ever horror script and its interesting for me to see what people thought.
The original script was a bit different at the start of the week, but after some good suggestions by pre-readers, I made some changes - thanks to Jeff, Pia, Murph, Tommy and Jwent(I know his name is James but it avoids confusion with James McClung).
Phil - yeah, It can be improved no doubt. And William has gone a bit crazy over the years; he' sort of a sad 'hero' and married Rachel out of self-sacrifice.
Jwent - cheers man. Looking forward to the gang reading your top script.
SR - sorry it didn't work for you and i understand about ploughing through a heap of horror scripts!! Um, flodding and burning? Completely different in my neck of the woods And we were allowed to do anything to the house except burn it. Cheers. Oh, and Murph came up with a great tagline for this which you emulate: 'Revenge is a dish best served wet'...
Ryan - thanks for the kind words. And well spotted! Jaws is my fave movie and threw that line of Quint's in! Actually the ending to this was inspired by the end of the 'Deliverance' original book and what happens to the valley.
Cleansed by Steve McDonell (stevie) - Short, Horror - A man finds that the past can come back to haunt you. Especially on October thiry first. - pdf, format
Sorry Don, but I've just noticed that 'thirty' above is missing a 't'! My error...
Stevie, really good job with this one. Nice to see you step out of your comfort zone and write a serious piece... now if only I could do the same
Writing was really crisp and things flowed nicely. One thing that stood out to me was that going by the math, Fraser would've only been 13 at the time he caused the accident. I think it'd work better if you made him 17 or 18 so it's a bit more believable.
I could sense the ending coming, particularly about Rachel, but it had a sort of full circle feel to it in terms of the original accident. Overall I thought it was really solid, good job here mate.
Good on you for completing the one week challenge! This story read very well, you have shown off some serious skills here. I kinda wish you had sued your third character as a more interactive dynamic. You play the scenario out well and I think it would be better if Rachel could participate. I think the ages are a bit off, too young to legally drive, unless you meant to do that.
I'm a little unclear on why Richard would marry a vegetable. I'd like to know more. This feels more like a revenge story than a horror piece, but that's a minor quibble. I'm not too keen on the flood, it works for your title though. It seems odd that someone planning out revenge would not know about that.
This is one of the strongest efforts I have read for the OWC. Thanks for posting!
Regards, E.D.
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
Great effort Stevie, especially as this is your first horror. I liked the story, and liked the imaginative use of the flooding being a catalyst for the drama.
So many scripts fail to answer the important question of why now? i.e. why are the character doing what they are doing right at this time? What is the compelling event? Well you gave us this brilliantly so full marks for this.
It is probably borderline horror in my book, but that is quite subjective, many would call this horror, I am just a little old school and kind of expect something supernatural to be considrered horror. But when crap like Hostel and Saw is considered horror then I guess this certainly fits the mainstream view.
Overall a great script, it worked well and delivered on what it promised. Nice one.
POSSIBLE SPOILERS***********************************************
Hi guys and thanks for the comments...
Stephen - cheers mate. Yeah, there are some unfilmables in there. I put them in to try and add to the mood overall. I thought people might mention them.
Gary - hi buddy. I dig the fact that you dug it!! Great way to start a Monday morning. And the Niners finally won a fucking game too!!!
Tim - hey, man. How's this odd October GC weather? You know what? I didn't even thik of the age thing!!!! Pia pointed out that William wouldn't have married a 15 year old so I fiddled with that but didn't realise about the driving age. Easily fixed so ta!!
ED - I love the way your replies are always in quartrains(is that the name for them?), like you gonna rhyme your posts!!!! Look, I know Rachel does fuck all, but I didn't want to use her as anythiing else - it shows how much of a crippled soul she is. A few people have wondered why William would marry a vegetable - well, he's gone a bit crazy over the years(maybe he always was?) And he knew about what was gonna happen the valley - that was all part of the revenge. If you re-read his lines, he's been sarcastic to Fraser (hopefully...)
Cheers again guys!!
Shit! Sorry Murph, forgot you!! Thanks buddy for the pre-read and ideas. Love that tagline u gave me. My mate is a graphics whiz - he's gonna do me a poster with it on.
However, I do see that you've cleaned this up a bit since I read it.
I'm still laughing at the brain tumor line though. Too much misfortune. I understand why you have it there but it kind of crosses the line of belivability for me. It would be better if it was his wife who was going to die and he would have no one to care for. Or maybe he's loco for some other reason that isn't related to misfortune.
Or maybe a letter came to him from the real estate guy saying he must vacate the house by October 31st. That could be just enough to send him over the edge. He could shove the letter in the guys face. It could work.
It's a very good story, starts and flows well and I loved the very last visual and William's last words.
Pages 4 (from the middle), 5 and 6 - it's too chatty for me, maybe you could cut some of it, it really doesn't add much I think. That's my only gripe though.
I liked the "brain tumor" stuff and he doesn't know who will support Rachel - this makes total sense because he did not plot the revenge before and did that only now - so the new found tumor explains this very nicely.
Fraser - funny guy. Really like the use of darkness and lightning in the opening pages. Really quick enjoyable read, credit to you for that Steve. Well written, nicely paced and half decent revenge story. Certainly couldn't predict the ending. I like the irony of Fraser's demise. William's last words were almost too close to call ha ha.
I am going to do my best in reading every entry this OWC offers up. I've been super busy the last 2 days so my reading has been stalled a bit -- I'm making my way down the list in order as they are posted.
From the outset I wanna stress the space issue within a script. After FADE OUT: you space 3 times and hit your THE END. But after your scene headers always space them 1 time. It just makes things so much easier to read. I know this challenge was tough to get under 10 pages, believe me, but standard scripts should have the space.
Not saying you didn't know this or practice it elsewhere. Just saying in general. Also, a good rule of thumb, and not everyone does it, is to double space after the period. It's more a preference. This is all technical jargon that matters none about the challenge, though.
What I'm looking at when reading these is if they match the requirements given and make a cohesive attempt at story, pace and plot within a week.
You hit the criteria here. Everything was written well and fluid. I didn't hate or care for the 3rd character being of no use, other than a plot progression. It didn't bother me, but it didn't sell me, either.
Some of the dialog did go on a bit with many (BEATS) in between. These instance my interest swayed but never to the point it became a chore to read. I think the overall consensus here is that it's a good script with an above average plot I've read in other entries. I'm still partial to Phil's entry, but this one is up at the top to be honest. But there are some really good scripts coming out of this, though. You should be proud of what you've done here in a week.
I also loved the water bit and the set up for it. Nice. It also plays directly into the title I believe.
Hey Stevie, congrats on a very well written script here.
You know how impressed I was with this, when you shot it over to me last week. I'll say it again here just for the Hell of it...I am very impressed with this effort. It's well conceived, well written, meets the criteria, and is easily one of the best scripts so far.
As I told you before, there are a few flaws, but when a script is well put together and well written, it's easy to overlook the flaws, which is a big difference between this script and the vast majority of the other OWC entries.
Obviously, the flooding takes place way too quickly, but it doesn't really hurt the script, IMO.
The ages are an issue which you can and should fix, and I'd also say the actual marriage details need work. Personally, I'd make the characters older (or the event itself) more recent, and have them already married before the accident. I think you'd fix 2 issues with a single plot point.
One more thing I wanted to bring up that no one has touched upon...you say she was under water for 2 minutes. Is this really something that could cause her demise? Many normal people can hold their breath for well over a minute, and "pros" can do it for crazy long times. Maybe a little research and a quick fix, or am I wrong?
Balt, it is 100% standard to use 2 spaces after a period in all formats/types of writing. Why many don't know this amazes and confounds me.
MC - sorry you didn't overly dig it Michael. Yeah, I made some changes before submitting. I see your point about stretching things too much - I'll take it onboard for a re-write... You liked my pisstake better? Cool, but it hasn't surfaced yet!! Maybe i could get Don to swap them!!!
Khamanna - thanks for the read and comments; I am always guilty of too much dialogue but it was actaully cut back for this (by my standards anyway!)...
Malc - cheers man. Glad you enjoyed it!
Balt - nice review, thanks! I hear you re the spacing stuff - i know you're passoinate about this. I think my space after a slug is ok, but I only space forward once after a period. But I can see the extra white a double gives the page, so I'll give it a go. A few people have mentioned how the title reflects the water thing or vice versa; I thought it up after finshing I think - i'm a big fan of no-nonsense one word title, easy to recall!!
Jeff - cheers bro! You were the first person to read it pre-submit, and i was stoked you liked it. It made my day! i wrote it fairly quickly so sort of skimmed over the finer details you mention like ages, breath capacity, etc. i can easily fix all that in a re-write.
The speed of the water rising? Yeah, I gambled on people not noticing it or accepting it - actaully I thing Jeff is the only one so far to bring it up!! I tried to make it clear the dam had been in for a few weeks - the storm had added to the flooding, so...
I'd say your writing has improved, Stevie. This is better than I expected. Easy to visualise. Dialogue was well written too.
Not sure you need to write 'chair. Know what you mean. Just took me out of it for a minute.
I'd lose the (CON'T) too. Rare to see them these days in Pro scripts. And we want to be pro. One fine day I'll be rich in movies. I won't. But I can dream.
The exclamation mark is something to be careful with. I'd say it'd work better without. Put that sentence on a separate line.
Stevie, I can pick on stuff all day. Glad to report it's all small stuff that don't matter much.
To summarise this is very good. You're improving. Make sure you keep it up.
R xo
p.s. She Loves You, Yeah Yeah Yeah And with a love like that You know you should be glad
Very impressive, Stevie. Dialogue - v.natural. Plot - yep, you've got one, Meets the criteria - tick. Descriptions - excellent. And... I don't think the 'flooding happened too quickly either - it's a 'short', so I think you handled the pacing really well. I could quibble about a coupla things - i.e. the two minute underwater thing did make me think for a minute, I think longer would have been a bit more credible, but hey, that would be being lil pedantic. Definitely in my Top 5. Well done mate!
I liked that this one actually used the storm to its full potential and the idea of Fraser looking up through the water imploringly is disturbing indeed. I think you could've shown William kill himself through Fraser's eyes rather than show it outright. Would've been more effective.
That said, I think I would've liked this more if I'd read it earlier. Fraser uses the cheapest ploys to try and get out of his binds. William has just about everything in the world wrong with him. Of course, this is what makes the story function and function dramatically at that. But after reading several scripts in the same location with more or less the same characters, I need something a little fresher.
I should note this review is probably a little unfair and biased. I think when there's 40 entries and a number of stories that feel the same, it's going to take its toll on how you respond to a given script. As is the case here.
That said, I suppose it's a strong effort. Sorry I couldn't look at it a little more objectively. Maybe I'll come back to it a little later.
Pretty good. More of a revenge story than horror, but that's okay with me.
I'd like the story to be presented more visually, because right now the entire story is completely told by dialogue, especially the backstory. I know it's tricky, because you have to stay in the house for this challenge, maybe you can show us the backstory when you do the rewrite.
From page 4 to 6, the dialogue is just about Fraser pleading and William countering it. I wish there is something more happening. Or tighten up the dialogue.
I'm not sure I liked the characters either. Both Fraser and William are kinda despicable because of what they did before and now, respectively.
But overall, I still enjoyed it.
Herman
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
I guess I'm severely in the minority, here. This one just didn't do it for me. Dialogue, characters, format, nothing was working for me, I'm sorry to say.
The dialogue was very on-the-nose, to me. It didn't sound natural or really flow.
Characters; honestly, I've read several scripts on here very close to this one, in idea. Usually, though, the girl dies and doesn't become catatonic. I'll give you props there.
Formatting bothered me, as well. Use of underscore instead of hyphens, lots of orphans, a few mis-spelled words (not just the "across the pond" translations).
So, while I tried to like it, I just couldn't. Best of luck, though, as I see a lot of other people did. =)
RV - cheers laddie. Glad you liked it. My fave Beatle song is 'She Said She Said', from the best album ever made, 'Revolver'. My fave Macca solo song is 'Junior's farm'.
LC - hey Lib, long time no see. How's Sydney? Manly will be back up next year. Thanks for the read and kind words.
James - been good Skyping to you lately! Yeah, I had planned for the final shot to be through Fraser's eyes but I couldn't write it as I wanted. And,yes, I agree the script might've had more impact for you if 'fresh'!
Herman - yeah, I tried to keep the backstory to a minimum, as my dialogue was long enough already (thought short by my usual trend!) I'll let this none sit and ferment before I look at again. Cheers again mate
Sean - sorry you didn't get into it, man! Believe me, after I'd read it a few times, it sounded crappy to me in parts! Um, I use underscore for an interruption in dialogue - have always done. Not sure what words were mis-spelled as i'm pretty good with that usually. Thanks for the read and good luck with the virus feature - i liked your short for this.
1 - Story: That was a well paced, nice little semi-horror story. More of intense drama absent any supernatural or grisly torture. 2 - Filmable & Budget: Yeah, but the flooding scene, for a short (and it was the briefest of shorts), really makes things expensive. 3 - Horror & Audience: Really intense drama rather than horror. Language kicks it into R territory. There's a great audience for this flavor of story. Good usage of house. It hits all of the challenge's limitations pretty good. It's a short, not a scene or sequence, and that's appreciated. 4 - Technicals & Format: Both are fine. 5 - Title & Logline: Insightful title, I like it. Chop off that second sentence of your logline and change "you" to "him" General Comments: A - It's fundamentally a good story, as is.
I thought this was quite good, though I've seen this one before. Kind of a typical formula but I think you pulled it off a lot better than it usually comes out. Some good dialogue and tension here and even though there was a minor disaster going on outside, there weren't really any loose ties. Everything just came together nicely. My only real question I think is more of an error, which is why the hell did William marry a vegetable? Or how could a vegetable marry anyone? My guess is that a line is missing - paralyzed at 15 but maybe not in a vegetative state until much, much later.
Congrats on going all-out to abandon your comedic roots and write a horror script! Great job there. And this is good, too.
I think the hardships do pile up a bit much, though. Trouble with slapping on tragedy after tragedy is that it actually starts to become funny. Oscar Wilde always said he couldn't get to the end of The Old Curiosity Shop without laughing his head off, such was the extent of the misery. Financial troubles, brain damage, inoperable tumors, suicide...it's all here, and it all gets a bit much. The situation you've crafted is a good one, but I think you could possibly reign back somewhere on Just How Awful Everything Is.
Anyway, I liked the ending, and for your first step into a completely different genre, this was fine work. And not a Beatle in sight! We're all proud.
Sorry Stevie, I don't like it. I don't buy it and felt like a rehash of an aged old story.
I just don't see anyone marrying someone who's brain damaged and by the sounds of Rachel's immobility to do anything, I can't imagine her saying 'I do' at a wedding.
I also think it's cruel to have her out of her wheelchair lying on the floor of a derelict building.
I gather when towns and villages are swallowed up that this is usually done during the day and there's someone there to check every property prior to letting the dam fill up.
I wasn't fond of some of the wording like boiling over. Didn't feel right.
Sorry you didn't like it! A few people questioned about marrying a 'vegetable' - William, to me, has gone a bit loopy over the years. The accident affected him as Rachel was the love of his life back then. He wanted to spend the rest of his life looking after Rachel so married her. These people are backwoods types adn I couldn't see any big deal about him marrying her. I'm sure it happens among 'normal' suburban folks too. wWlliam's state of mind is also why Rachel is lying on the floor - she's past worrying about it, and Fraser tied to the wheelchair is symbolic of why he's been taken to the house. The flooding was always a bit risky for me as a writer, with the logistics and stuff. I just sort of ignored some of the fine print that would be involved for the sake of the story.
It's funny cos only a few people commented on the hows and whys of it.
This script is very well written. But I had problems with the story. The flooding of an area to make a reservoir is kind of played out in other movies. It's hard for me to imagine it happening at night. And in this day and age, it would be carefully done, no chance of victims. In fact, it would be a slow, controlled release.
The water just happens to fill as William is about to kill his wife and Fraser? I know that was kind of part of the plan, but William still seemed a little surprised.
And William married this girl when? She was 15 when she became a veg. And she's been a veg for almost 40 years? Come to think of, she was 15, is 42 now, Fraser is 50. So Fraser was 13 when he drove drunk? Maybe I missed something.
From the work, I can tell this is a writer who probably has a lot of good stuff under his belt. For a contest submission it works well enough, certainly is an easy read, the dialogue well done. I just didn't buy into the story. I look forward to reading other work by the author.
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Cleansed - OWC
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And we were allowed to do anything to the house except burn it. Cheers. Oh, and Murph came up with a great tagline for this which you emulate: 
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