Sounds good, Gabe.  My recommendation is to not just write a linear story, but write a VERY, VERY simple story, and work on your actual writing technique...sentence structure, dialogue, the basics.  I seem to remember another script of yours that was very, very hard to follow, and I think it's your actual writing that's getting in the way.

If you want more details, PM me and I'll try and lend a hand.

Take care!

I may be brand new to screenwriting and not know the correct way to format everything, but the entire "DERRICK/JACOB" thing was annoying. Also, I was frustrated with the numerous "BOOM"s on the first page. I'm also pretty sure that "Think!", "Oh God, it’s her.", "What’s going on?!", etc. should not be written as action. You need to adhere to the saying, "show, don't tell".

-Trent

Thanks for the comments The Boy Wonder,

The BOOMs were used to create tension. And the "Think!,"Oh God, it's her." were the characters thoughts not actions.

Gabe

Hi Gabe,

I appreciate that you tried to do something really different here but I just could not get into what was going on. Going by what you said, it was still difficult to follow which was a shame because there is probably a great idea here. I get what you were going for by using the characters perspective or thoughts as actual action but I don't think this is the way to go about doing it.
I take it there is a ghost surveillance team and they end up possessed so I think the idea of being inside character's thoughts and their minds being warped is a good one.
Hope you can sort this one out as I think it has promise.

Malc

I'm in the works right now. Hope to have a draft done soon and then start asking people to read it for me before I post it.

Thanks Malcom

Gabe

Hmm.....I understand that this is told in reverse order when I got to page 2, but I don't understand the need for it in this story. It can be told chronologically without losing much of the effect, instead, I think it'd more clear.

I started to get a little confused starting on page 5, because I couldn't tell which scenes are within the same time and which ones aren't. What's not helping is the characters speaking in O.S. (which should be V.O.) from the next scenes but at an earlier time. I think I'm a little confused as I write.

That aside, there is no explanation why Jacob needed to kill Sophie and Bennett. I got the three ghost hunters were possessed by them, but all these running around the house make no sense to the readers if their motivations weren't shown.

The ending is very anti-climatic because it's not a punchline, just a normal beginning to any script. Unless the beginning carries a different meaning after we knew the ending, it's better to just make the storyline chronological.

Hope this helps.


Herman

The inner dialogues are great. They works well as actor direction and really draw the reader into the head of the protagonist. This is of course is vital for any potential industry heads who may happen across your script.

The script is a great idea. The story definitely could have been told sufficiently without shifting the narrative around as you did.

Consider a gritty horror with suspense and twists and this could be a hit. If you want it to be.

Thanks for the read Francis.

This is one of many shorts I plan to expand and make into a feature. I got an outline for this one done.

This was experimental but I still like the story. I admit that I failed in execution but improved.

Gabe