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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Watching - OWC
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  Author    Watching - OWC  (currently 3171 views)
Don
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Watching by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Horror - Ryan wakes to find himself lying in the decaying bedroom of a derelict house with no idea how he got there. Unfortunately for Ryan, that's just about the best the night has in store for him... - pdf, format


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greg
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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Ste,

Probably one of the more violent ones thus far.  You definitely got the horror jotted down with great quantities of blood, violence, and disfigurement, but I think that stood out was the final super: "Nobody knows why the killings started that night..." etc.  The thing is -- I would have liked to know.  I would have liked to know why all the bloodshed was going on and for what purpose.  

Very well written and flew by and very creepy.  The Masked Man and his scenes were the tops.  I think I just would have liked to know why.

But good work overall.

Greg


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screenrider
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Ste,

What can I say about this one?   Disturbing.  Really, really disturbing.  I'm...speechless.

You nailed the horror aspect.

  
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stebrown
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads Greg and Michael.

Greg

Due to time restraints I decided to leave the reasons behind the killings quite open. The reasons are there but they aren't too clear I'll admit. In a way I think it's more scary not knowing the reasons why -- but maybe that's just me.

Michael

I haven't written many horrors so I'm pleased you found this disturbing. Disturbing is a lot better than scary I think. And hey, I left you speechless? That must be a first

Ste


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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In this short, I have made note of two problems.

One, I'm losing count on how many OWC's have "inner states of being" where I am asked to be a mind reader, and get inside the thoughts of varied characters. I know these things are tough, and this challenge gives an okay to throw caution to the wind, have some spooky fun and all, but it could also be treated like an exercise.

Two, it didn't quite fit the OWC criteria. I was kind of hoping that Ryan would crawl around long enough to find a wheelchair (the masked killer hiding it from him as a twisted mind game) or that Josh would be in one, but no dice. That's three dudes (Ryan, Josh, Masked Killer), one lass (Samantha).  Not one of the fellas is in the chair.
With all THAT out of the way...

The short script starts with that "Texas Chainsaw" type open and then proceeds to kick ass.

In fact, if it wasn't for those two guidelines of the OWC kicked to the curb, this would be, (aside from those few 'inner beings') one of the best submissions in this month's challenge I would like to say that's my opinion, but I'll throw a gauntlet down and claim it as fact. With the TLC, this would be stellar.

Y'know what? Hell with my hangups. Grab yourself some actors and a camera and get to work.
This kicks ass.




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dogglebe
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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I wasn't happy with this script.  There wasn't really a story, here, just some scenes of violence.  Maybe the story rolled off with the wheelchair; I didn't see that either.

There wasn't much of anything here, Steve, just violence.  I saw a little character development with the Masked Man, but that was it.


Phil
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hey ste,

Was this a snuff film? I get the feeling of it. Nevertheless, I didn't see much of a story to be honest. There was no tension. I would probably suggest is explore that snuff film idea more to come out with a story.

I didn't have a problem with the prose. I did the same thing with adding character thought into my script.

Hope this helps,

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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stebrown
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads.

Darren

I was waiting for someone to have a go about the extra character and the lack of a wheelchair. The way I took Don's guidelines was an 'actor' had to be wheelchair bound. The actor who would play Ryan in my script could be wheelchair bound as he doesn't walk. As the Masked Man's face is never seen, the actor who plays Josh can also play the Masked Man. For the scene where the Masked Man picks up John, the actor who plays Ryan could be a body double of sorts. I think it fits the challenge's guidelines.

Pleased you enjoyed it though.

Phil

Valid points. I think there's story here but fair do's. See the above reply to Darren regarding the lack of a wheelchair.

Gabe

I had two ideas behind the Masked Man's actions.
1) He is a schizophrenic and believes that the video cameras talk to him. They tell him to kill these people in horrible ways.
2) Somebody is actually telling him to do this and it is broadcast on the internet.

Personally, I prefer the first description but didn't have the time to really push either reasoning through enough. Perhaps that's the reason why it feels light on story.

Anyway, cheers for the reads.

Ste


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Steve,
You nailed the violant aspect to a tee. A am truely a Gore Whore and this scene delivered. I wish however there would have been a little more set up on the charectors. Seems like everyone was there but no reason why.

Although as usual for you, very well writtin and clean. Excellent entry my friend.

Shawn.....><

One point - When he leveled the axe in the girls theigh, I would have liked to see him struggling to get it out. You know, wiggle it back and forth to un-jam it from the bone. Some prologed tourture.
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grademan
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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Ste,

Good style. I'll need to find one soon.
Horror/violence ratio is slanted towards violence. I am turning into a slasher fan.
The Masked Man - could he be doing the supers as VO? If I understand the story...

Gary
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stevie
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Stephen!  I'll be pedantic about this - I know you explained how a director might interpret this, hence no wheelchair and an extra character. The challenge clearly stated the criteria and I don't, in MHO, think you adhered to that.

Don chose to accept it though, so, hey, it's cool. Just wanted to get it off my chest...not that it was ON my chest, if you get my drift. I just wanted to get it out there...      ok, now I'm dribbling...

I really liked the first couple of pages of this! It was building nicely and was mysterious - though violent. But it all seemed to fizzle out for me. I don't mind the gore and stuff, but it the story needs to continue too be compelling amongst all the carnage - does that make sense?
With some suggestions from the crew, a godd re-write could turn this into a neat script.

Cheers stevie



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TheBoyWonder
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe
I wasn't happy with this script.  There wasn't really a story, here, just some scenes of violence.  Maybe the story rolled off with the wheelchair; I didn't see that either.

There wasn't much of anything here, Steve, just violence.  I saw a little character development with the Masked Man, but that was it.


Phil


This pretty much sums up what I felt. You could've wrote more pages getting some kind of story involved in this script or some kind of emotional involvement with the characters. I would enjoy watching this for the same reason I enjoy watching Saw films; to laugh at the torture scenes. Also, the SUPER: text felt very cheesy to me. If it had some sort of storyline I might've liked it but overall, I don't think I enjoyed it.

-Trent
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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Stephen,

Congrats on completing the one week challenge!
This is well written, but I typically don't get into torture porn pieces.
I need some kind of character development to justify the gore and suffering.
You hint at some interesting business with talking to the camera, but it doesn't pay off.
I think folks that like the Saw and Hostel franchises will dig this.
Thanks for posting!

Regards,
E.D.


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Baltis.
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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The cam stuff nix it.  Also, there are some, few that get in the way, instances where you will tell us something

"The stairs don't look steady."

And then say

"Don't look steady at all."

I'm not saying not to do this, but if you do do it sparingly.  It could get old in future work.  And readers don't wanna be pounded with the same thing more than twice.  Hit it and get it.

But, in some instances, you've done some great visual work here too.

"He Falls.  Hard.  Hits every step before crashing on the hardwood floors of the...

HALLWAY"

Flawless execution.  

But... With all that said, I am one of the worst people to pitch a torture script too or have read it.  I'm still traumatized by certain films of my child hood -- "ha".  This was brutal and without compassion.  It's very visceral and gory.  Very bloody and on film it'd be pretty revolting... But in a good way.  

It was the most chilling script I've read in the challenge.  And one of the most depressing.  This is the kind of flick I see people watching with the blinds open on a sunny Sunday afternoon, while drinking Tang with their screen doors propped open.

But don't worry, I also see people in this very scenario watching "I Spit On Your Grave" and "Last House On the Left" the same way.  "ha"  Good job, man.

And with this I've read every entry, for better or worse, thus far.
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stebrown
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 6:11am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads, folks.

Yeah, this is light on story, I'll be the first to admit that. I'll try a rewrite in a week or so to better explain the Masked Man's motives. He has them - I just didn't really have the time to find the best ways to show them.

Led: Good idea about having the axe stick in the leg. I'll look into that during the rewrite.

Grademan: Not sure I follow what you mean about the Masked Man doing the supers as a V.O.?

Stevie: We'll just have to agree to disagree about the requirements haha.

E.D: 'I think folks that like the Saw and Hostel franchises will dig this.' Hopefully Jeff agrees when he comes to review haha.

Balt: Not sure if 'nix it' is a good or bad thing? ha. Thanks for the compliment about some of my visual descriptions, appreciate it.

Ste


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