Watching by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Horror - Ryan wakes to find himself lying in the decaying bedroom of a derelict house with no idea how he got there. Unfortunately for Ryan, that's just about the best the night has in store for him... - pdf, format

Ste,

Probably one of the more violent ones thus far.  You definitely got the horror jotted down with great quantities of blood, violence, and disfigurement, but I think that stood out was the final super: "Nobody knows why the killings started that night..." etc.  The thing is -- I would have liked to know.  I would have liked to know why all the bloodshed was going on and for what purpose.  

Very well written and flew by and very creepy.  The Masked Man and his scenes were the tops.  I think I just would have liked to know why.

But good work overall.

Greg

Ste,

What can I say about this one?   Disturbing.  Really, really disturbing.  I'm...speechless.

You nailed the horror aspect.

  

Thanks for the reads Greg and Michael.

Greg

Due to time restraints I decided to leave the reasons behind the killings quite open. The reasons are there but they aren't too clear I'll admit. In a way I think it's more scary not knowing the reasons why -- but maybe that's just me.

Michael

I haven't written many horrors so I'm pleased you found this disturbing. Disturbing is a lot better than scary I think. And hey, I left you speechless? That must be a first

Ste

In this short, I have made note of two problems.

One, I'm losing count on how many OWC's have "inner states of being" where I am asked to be a mind reader, and get inside the thoughts of varied characters. I know these things are tough, and this challenge gives an okay to throw caution to the wind, have some spooky fun and all, but it could also be treated like an exercise.

Two, it didn't quite fit the OWC criteria. I was kind of hoping that Ryan would crawl around long enough to find a wheelchair (the masked killer hiding it from him as a twisted mind game) or that Josh would be in one, but no dice. That's three dudes (Ryan, Josh, Masked Killer), one lass (Samantha).  Not one of the fellas is in the chair.
With all THAT out of the way...

The short script starts with that "Texas Chainsaw" type open and then proceeds to kick ass.

In fact, if it wasn't for those two guidelines of the OWC kicked to the curb, this would be, (aside from those few 'inner beings') one of the best submissions in this month's challenge I would like to say that's my opinion, but I'll throw a gauntlet down and claim it as fact. With the TLC, this would be stellar.

Y'know what? Hell with my hangups. Grab yourself some actors and a camera and get to work.
This kicks ass.

I wasn't happy with this script.  There wasn't really a story, here, just some scenes of violence.  Maybe the story rolled off with the wheelchair; I didn't see that either.

There wasn't much of anything here, Steve, just violence.  I saw a little character development with the Masked Man, but that was it.


Phil

Hey ste,

Was this a snuff film? I get the feeling of it. Nevertheless, I didn't see much of a story to be honest. There was no tension. I would probably suggest is explore that snuff film idea more to come out with a story.

I didn't have a problem with the prose. I did the same thing with adding character thought into my script.

Hope this helps,

Gabe

Thanks for the reads.

Darren

I was waiting for someone to have a go about the extra character and the lack of a wheelchair. The way I took Don's guidelines was an 'actor' had to be wheelchair bound. The actor who would play Ryan in my script could be wheelchair bound as he doesn't walk. As the Masked Man's face is never seen, the actor who plays Josh can also play the Masked Man. For the scene where the Masked Man picks up John, the actor who plays Ryan could be a body double of sorts. I think it fits the challenge's guidelines.

Pleased you enjoyed it though.

Phil

Valid points. I think there's story here but fair do's. See the above reply to Darren regarding the lack of a wheelchair.

Gabe

I had two ideas behind the Masked Man's actions.
1) He is a schizophrenic and believes that the video cameras talk to him. They tell him to kill these people in horrible ways.
2) Somebody is actually telling him to do this and it is broadcast on the internet.

Personally, I prefer the first description but didn't have the time to really push either reasoning through enough. Perhaps that's the reason why it feels light on story.

Anyway, cheers for the reads.

Ste

Steve,
You nailed the violant aspect to a tee. A am truely a Gore Whore and this scene delivered. I wish however there would have been a little more set up on the charectors. Seems like everyone was there but no reason why.

Although as usual for you, very well writtin and clean. Excellent entry my friend.

Shawn.....><

One point - When he leveled the axe in the girls theigh, I would have liked to see him struggling to get it out. You know, wiggle it back and forth to un-jam it from the bone. Some prologed tourture.

Ste,

Good style. I'll need to find one soon.
Horror/violence ratio is slanted towards violence. I am turning into a slasher fan.
The Masked Man - could he be doing the supers as VO? If I understand the story...

Gary

Hi Stephen!  I'll be pedantic about this - I know you explained how a director might interpret this, hence no wheelchair and an extra character. The challenge clearly stated the criteria and I don't, in MHO, think you adhered to that.

Don chose to accept it though, so, hey, it's cool. Just wanted to get it off my chest...not that it was ON my chest, if you get my drift. I just wanted to get it out there...      ok, now I'm dribbling...

I really liked the first couple of pages of this! It was building nicely and was mysterious - though violent. But it all seemed to fizzle out for me. I don't mind the gore and stuff, but it the story needs to continue too be compelling amongst all the carnage - does that make sense?
With some suggestions from the crew, a godd re-write could turn this into a neat script.

Cheers stevie

Quoted from dogglebe I wasn't happy with this script.  There wasn't really a story, here, just some scenes of violence.  Maybe the story rolled off with the wheelchair; I didn't see that either. There wasn't much of anything here, Steve, just violence.  I saw a little character development with the Masked Man, but that was it. Phil

This pretty much sums up what I felt. You could've wrote more pages getting some kind of story involved in this script or some kind of emotional involvement with the characters. I would enjoy watching this for the same reason I enjoy watching Saw films; to laugh at the torture scenes. Also, the SUPER: text felt very cheesy to me. If it had some sort of storyline I might've liked it but overall, I don't think I enjoyed it.

-Trent

Stephen,

Congrats on completing the one week challenge!
This is well written, but I typically don't get into torture porn pieces.
I need some kind of character development to justify the gore and suffering.
You hint at some interesting business with talking to the camera, but it doesn't pay off.
I think folks that like the Saw and Hostel franchises will dig this.
Thanks for posting!

Regards,
E.D.

The cam stuff nix it.  Also, there are some, few that get in the way, instances where you will tell us something

"The stairs don't look steady."

And then say

"Don't look steady at all."

I'm not saying not to do this, but if you do do it sparingly.  It could get old in future work.  And readers don't wanna be pounded with the same thing more than twice.  Hit it and get it.

But, in some instances, you've done some great visual work here too.

"He Falls.  Hard.  Hits every step before crashing on the hardwood floors of the...

HALLWAY"

Flawless execution.  

But... With all that said, I am one of the worst people to pitch a torture script too or have read it.  I'm still traumatized by certain films of my child hood -- "ha".  This was brutal and without compassion.  It's very visceral and gory.  Very bloody and on film it'd be pretty revolting... But in a good way.  

It was the most chilling script I've read in the challenge.  And one of the most depressing.  This is the kind of flick I see people watching with the blinds open on a sunny Sunday afternoon, while drinking Tang with their screen doors propped open.

But don't worry, I also see people in this very scenario watching "I Spit On Your Grave" and "Last House On the Left" the same way.  "ha"  Good job, man.

And with this I've read every entry, for better or worse, thus far.

Thanks for the reads, folks.

Yeah, this is light on story, I'll be the first to admit that. I'll try a rewrite in a week or so to better explain the Masked Man's motives. He has them - I just didn't really have the time to find the best ways to show them.

Led: Good idea about having the axe stick in the leg. I'll look into that during the rewrite.

Grademan: Not sure I follow what you mean about the Masked Man doing the supers as a V.O.?

Stevie: We'll just have to agree to disagree about the requirements haha.

E.D: 'I think folks that like the Saw and Hostel franchises will dig this.' Hopefully Jeff agrees when he comes to review haha.

Balt: Not sure if 'nix it' is a good or bad thing? ha. Thanks for the compliment about some of my visual descriptions, appreciate it.

Ste

Ste,

In general, I don't like supers that talk about video evidence and unknown acts of killers in the future. I'd much rather hear it as  a VO by one of the characters a la Vincent Price's classics. After rereading your short, I realize I didn't know what the hell I was talking about.

Forget about it!

Gary

Hey Ste, congrats on completing a script for the OWC.

Here are my general thoughts, followed by a few notes I took as I read.

Like others have said, this is indeed a brutal, depressing script.  There really isn't any story here and no characters either...I mean no characters we can relate with because we don't know anything about any of them.  And I think that's the biggest flaw here.

People say all the time how horror...or actually, I guess I'm talking about torture porn movies, don't have a story and don't have characters, which I disagree with...most of the time.  This, however, is a perfect example of what you get when you don't have a story.  All we have here is violence.

Some of it is good, but alot of it is taking place off camera, which is a pet peeve of mine when dealing with violent horror movies. If you're going to imply it, you might as well show it, as the effect is much stronger, assuming the effects themselves can be pulled off properly.

It's a completely unforgiving script and I appreciate that very much, but based on the utter lack of story and character, it doesn't work for me when it's all said and done, and that's too bad, because I feel like you could have pulled this off with a bit more effort.  You had plenty of pages to spare.  Maybe you ran out of time, started late, or just said "Fuck it".  I don't know.

Here are some notes...

Your opening line has a lonely orphan in it.  There are several throughout, but I see page length wasn’t an issue, so it’s no biggie, but something you may want to pay attention to in the future.

I personally do not like the way you used all these SUPERS here, but maybe it’s just me.

Interesting that you chose to set this in 2009, as opposed to now.

Not to sure about the use of a hidden camera POV, as we don’t know there are any hidden cameras at this point, meaning, on film, it would come across as odd, IMO.  We’ll see where it goes.  EDIT - We never see or find out where these hidden or unhidden cameras are feeding to, do we?  Meaning, I think it's a random detail with no payoff.

Samantha’s dialogue on page 2 should be OS, as she’s not in this scene.

I personally do not like the asides you’re throwing out quite frequently.

I do not like the use of “-“ and “- -“ on page 3 at all.  Not even sure what you’re after with these.

I don’t like the last SUPER at all.

Good effort here Ste!  Hope all is well.

"NOBODY KNOWS WHY THE KILLINGS STARTED THAT NIGHT, OR WHY THEY STOPPED OR MORE IMPORTANTLY, IF THEY’LL START AGAIN..." - borrowing from you an this is indeed what you were shooting for, this is the true summary of the script for me. Nobody also knows why them, why not other people, why in that house...

I don't generally like gore, blood and no substance to back it up. But I imagine those who do would enjoy the script.

The writing was a little informal for my taste. Overall it's well written (which is another thing) it's just a bit informal for me.

Hi Stephen,

Really liked the opening page. Written really well. Captures a nice atmosphere.
The rest continues in a similar vein to most torture horror scenes which although I thought was written nicely, didn't really do anything vastly different.
Not saying I thought it was bad, just was kind of expecting a twist of some kind considering the camera angle/ audience participation from behind the wall.
On the plus side, it was violent, read quick and has the possibilities of leading in other directions.

All in all, pretty good gory stuff!

Malc

Firstly, I just want to say I am pleased that someone finally went for a script without a wheelchair. Don was quite clear in his criteria for the OWC and nowhere does it say that a wheelchair had to be in it. It is not even a matter for director intepretation, if the guidelines were for a character in a wheelchair then Don would have used the word character. Instead Don used the word actor and it would be incredibly discriminatory for anyone to suggest that wheelchair bound actors can only play characters in a wheelchair, as long as they cannot walk then they can play any character. Why so many writers seem to be lacking imagination when it comes to the criteria for this OWC is a complete surprise to me to be honest.

I think you have nailed the OWC criteria here.

For the story... Not for me I am afraid, I am one of those old school guys who do not consider torture porn to be part of the horror genre. Each to his own I guess, of course many do think of this style as horror. I would have preferred some character and story to go along with the weak plot.

But what you have is well written, I like the writing style, your inventive use of shots. The hidden camera is fine and while asks questions you never get round to answering is a nice way to break up the scene and at least gets us to ask the question.

It's a shame about the story because the writing deserved so much better.

Though I think you did a great job on the atmosphere and gore,  this script has lots of style.  But it's completely lacking substance. There's not a story here and you even admit it in your last super.

Despite the fact that you wrote this well, it seemed more like a trailer than anything else.   This needs to be couched in some sort of story in order for it to work.  

Aren't there FOUR characters? Masked Man, Samantha, Ryan, and Josh?

Anyway, I need to know more about the characters to care for them. To me they are just characters used to be killed off to show the gore and horror.

You also need to show us who the Masked Man is, and why he did the killings. Although you stated it at the end "nobody knows why the killing started", we, the audience need to know because it's something that we're trying to relate to or sympathize with. Right now, these are just random killings that didn't make much sense to us.

I'm not sure the SUPERs in the beginning worked. They didn't do much for the story either.

I also didn't understand what was going on in the end. So the Masked Man just keep on killing people for Ryan to watch? Don't know why though.


Herman

SB,

Thought I posted this already. Obviously one of my more lubricated moments.

The writing's pretty good, I found myself wanting more description as some of it seemed hard to picture.

Less use of 'walks' and the like would improve it.

The odd camera direction doesn't bother me, I imagine they'd help as you've one in the script.

I think the only letdown was your final super.

Extremely violent compared to other scripts here. But then again, it is horror. It is missing something though, something that ties it together better.

You're writing and ideas are good. Just needed to be fitted better into a story, otherwise it comes across as more a series of clips.

R xo

These are notes I made as I read without looking at the other comments:

Pg 1 – I like the visual start and the SUPERs are effective. I wonder if perhaps you could sharpen up the language in them to make them shorter and more punchy.

“Black. Only the sound of a distant female SCREAM. Bloodcurdling.” – Obviously it’s a style choice, but for me the way this line is structured is a bit awkward. Perhaps “Black. A distant bloodcurdling female SCREAM.” flows better.

Pg 2 – “- what the FUCK is going on?” – A line like this seems to invite the reader to ask the same thing.

The only thing you’ve said about Samantha in her intro is that she’s pretty and since that’s presumed for all actresses it’s not giving us any information.

Pg 3 – “Screams as if the nightmare in her head stared back
at her.” – Creative description, but it doesn’t mean anything to me.

There’s been a lot of screaming in this by characters that haven’t had the chance to develop. The problem with that is it’s difficult to care about what happens to them.

Pg 5 – When Josh turns up, doesn’t that take you over your actor count?

Pg 7 – Establishing a circular pattern is a solid story telling device.

Overall you’ve got some graphic stuff in this and it is a solid horror story. I guess the genre doesn’t require it, but for me I’d like to get a better sense of the characters and why this is all happening.

Philip

liked the script mate, good old gore by the barrel load, my knee caps still hurt from reading.

mojo