Howdy, Brett

PDF pg 5 - are you sure this INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS needs to be continuous?

INT. CELLAR - CONTINUOUS
The bulkhead doors fly open!
A flash of lightning silhouettes Edward wielding a cutlass.
Sea water drips off the blade. The cutlass glows a faint
silver. Edward is a sea choked echo of the family portrait.
DEBORAH
Please, leave us in peace.
Edward pauses, then descends into the cellar.
Um... The bulkhead doors, thus Ed's already in the cellar.
How does he descend into it?

Water oozes up the stairs in pursuit.
That's pretty darn creepy.

PDF pg 6 - Why does mom d!ck around returning to the circle?
Why not haul a$$ up the stairs as soon as she bolts the cellar door?
("Just how I wanted the story to go, Ray!")

Pg 7
Deb's exposition dialog might ought to include something about "Your child has never done anything to you but love you, you b@stard! I’m the one you want, Edward."
Something like that.

Pg 9
Deborah falls and lands on the small balcony, the open wound
oozes briny water and seaweed like fresh entrails.
I absolutely love this image.

Pg 10
The man awakens. The milky film over his eyes is gone. They
are now a deep blue, much like Deborah’s.
Set a precedence for this back on the first script page at the
She is kneeling at the foot of the circle. Deborah looks at
the sleeping man, her visage softens.
Something about "striking blue eyes".
Director/makeup would use colored contacts to synch the two.


That is a nice short story, Brett.
I greatly enjoy supernatural entities battling each other.
Human vs. monster is lame and tired.
The (rushed) first version was great, it seemed a little more "actiony".
This one seems much smoother, while maintaining a great deal of the original's intensity (some seems to be lost), and has a more... mature and feminine quality to it.
I dunno.
It seems less brutal than the rushed job.
A lot more love and caring between mother and child, more "bond oriented".
Whatever that means.

Quoted from RayW Howdy, Brett PDF pg 5 - are you sure this INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS needs to be continuous?

Heya Ray!

Thanks truckloads for giving this a second read!
Hmmm, I suppose it could be "Moments Later"?
Is that what you were referring to?

Quoted from RayW INT. CELLAR - CONTINUOUS The bulkhead doors fly open! A flash of lightning silhouettes Edward wielding a cutlass. Sea water drips off the blade. The cutlass glows a faint silver. Edward is a sea choked echo of the family portrait. DEBORAH Please, leave us in peace. Edward pauses, then descends into the cellar. Um... The bulkhead doors, thus Ed's already in the cellar. How does he descend into it?

In my mind, the bulkhead doors open outward.
There are stone steps leading down into the cellar from ground level.
Perhaps the cellar should be better established as below ground level somehow?

Quoted from RayW Water oozes up the stairs in pursuit. That's pretty darn creepy.

Heh, my roommate will be glad to hear that.
He was the one that suggested I needed to be clearer about how the water moved.
So this image was conjured so folks would not think the room was flooding.

Quoted from RayW PDF pg 6 - Why does mom d!ck around returning to the circle? Why not haul a$$ up the stairs as soon as she bolts the cellar door? ("Just how I wanted the story to go, Ray!")

Heh, Deborah does take a beat and comfort her child.
She's a mother and she hasn't seen her child in a hundred years.
I thought it would be one of those "Get going!" moments for the audience.
It's my attempt to get the audience talking back to the movie, I suppose.

Quoted from RayW Pg 7 Deb's exposition dialog might ought to include something about "Your child has never done anything to you but love you, you b@stard! I’m the one you want, Edward." Something like that.

Yeah, I like that, good one. Missed opportunity to inject another family moment.

Quoted from RayW Pg 9 Deborah falls and lands on the small balcony, the open wound oozes briny water and seaweed like fresh entrails. I absolutely love this image.

Thanks, pal.
There's a price to pay to escape from that kind of darkness.
Being a good mother she was willing to pay it to save her child.

Quoted from RayW Pg 10 The man awakens. The milky film over his eyes is gone. They are now a deep blue, much like Deborah’s. Set a precedence for this back on the first script page at the She is kneeling at the foot of the circle. Deborah looks at the sleeping man, her visage softens. Something about "striking blue eyes". Director/makeup would use colored contacts to synch the two.

Not sure I follow you here, Ray.
Are you suggesting shifting his eyes from blue to milky at the beginning?
Or simply showing them going from milky to blue at the end?
I had thought of the idea, but I guess I mentally blocked it for budgetary concerns.
You are right though, I do think it's a stronger visual transition for the story.

Quoted from RayW That is a nice short story, Brett. I greatly enjoy supernatural entities battling each other. Human vs. monster is lame and tired. The (rushed) first version was great, it seemed a little more "actiony". This one seems much smoother, while maintaining a great deal of the original's intensity (some seems to be lost), and has a more... mature and feminine quality to it. I dunno. It seems less brutal than the rushed job. A lot more love and caring between mother and child, more "bond oriented". Whatever that means.

You have done me a kindness with your words, Sir.
The smoother mature feminine quality is me making this more about a family.
You mentioned opening up this story to a wider audience and I agreed.
I chose to do that through strengthening the family element.
Deborah and Miles can rest in peace. The Man can move on and sell the estate.
I wanted this packed ten pager to be as much of a complete story arc as possible.
Do you feel these changes "opened up" the story?
Thanks tons for all your insightful efforts.
Anything of yours you'd like me to peruse? Drop me a note.

Regards,
E.D.

Howdy, Brett

Thanks truckloads for giving this a second read!
You're always welcome.
You and ! seem to be in the same "overwriting" boat.
IMO, it stems from thinking like a director, so we're going to cram in an entire set into every scene because... we can keep up with that - and - the story.
But most readers aren't so keen on that, so...
I'm looking over your shoulder at whatever answers you get.
HA!

Hmmm, I suppose it could be "Moments Later"? Is that what you were referring to?
Yep.
It was just a short, little, singular snippet of a scene in the wheelchair not involving any subsequent movement.
It was immediately followed by a completely separate scene and subject down in the cellar.

There are stone steps leading down into the cellar from ground level.
Perhaps the cellar should be better established as below ground level somehow?
Gotcha.
Yeah, that's gonna be a tricky one to describe - briefly! so as to not offend the reader's delicate eye and mind flow!  

Are you suggesting shifting his eyes from blue to milky at the beginning?
Or simply showing them going from milky to blue at the end?
Nah nah nah.
In the beginning: Have the WC man's eyes be opaqued with WHITE contacts and Deb's with STRIKING BLUE contacts.
(Yeah yeah yeah. We're thinking like directors here. Told you! Now convert that to reader-eze.)
At the end (PDF 10) his eyes are now the same STRIKING BLUE as Deb/Mom's are/were.
Not similar to...
The same.

Also, I just noticed "What happened to Deb/Mom's collapsed body when he woke up?
Does she dissolve into briny sea water and kelp entirely?
Or is he blabbin' on the cell with his dead, hundred year old mom laying in the floor?

Do you feel these changes "opened up" the story?
I'm not 100% on what "opened up" means (I'm obtuse, at times) but I think it's a fundamentally better story with what you've rewritten.
But... you and I both know a director is going to twiddle with it, the actors will twiddle with it, the editor will twiddle with it, so leave it alone, largely (other than the collapsed mother thing).

Thanks tons for all your insightful efforts.
What goes around comes around.


Anything of yours you'd like me to peruse? Drop me a note.
Just keep the back and forth going.
I very loosely keep markers and tabs of debts paid and owed, so...

Quoted from RayW Howdy, Brett You and I seem to be in the same "overwriting" boat. IMO, it stems from thinking like a director, so we're going to cram in an entire set into every scene because... we can keep up with that - and - the story. But most readers aren't so keen on that, so... I'm looking over your shoulder at whatever answers you get. HA!

Greetings Ray!

You bring up a very interesting point I hadn't thought of much.
I do have very strong visuals in mind when I write.
Even if its just a treatment or synopsis, its impossible for me to NOT visualize it.
I am trying to be economical with that and make it more palatable without killing it.
Perhaps "speaking" to the audience sometimes in the script might help me.
That Snow White and the Huntsman script did that a lot.
It's a style choice that attracts some, but repels others.
I suppose you have to forge your own style to attract someone willing to pay.
What script of yours you would say best fits your style of writing?

Quoted from RayW In the beginning: Have the WC man's eyes be opaqued with WHITE contacts and Deb's with STRIKING BLUE contacts. (Yeah yeah yeah. We're thinking like directors here. Told you! Now convert that to reader-eze.) At the end (PDF 10) his eyes are now the same STRIKING BLUE as Deb/Mom's are/were. Not similar to... The same.

Capital thinking, Ray. I concur. That strengthens the filial connection.

Quoted from RayW Also, I just noticed "What happened to Deb/Mom's collapsed body when he woke up? Does she dissolve into briny sea water and kelp entirely? Or is he blabbin' on the cell with his dead, hundred year old mom laying in the floor?

p. 9
MAN (CONT’D)
Of course, I know what day it is,
dear. I haven’t forgotten.

Deborah’s body is gone. The silver locket is on the floor.

Perhaps the beat of the disappeared body should be a bit sooner?

Quoted from RayW I'm not 100% on what "opened up" means (I'm obtuse, at times) but I think it's a fundamentally better story with what you've rewritten. But... you and I both know a director is going to twiddle with it, the actors will twiddle with it, the editor will twiddle with it, so leave it alone, largely (other than the collapsed mother thing).

In your first note, you suggested making the story easier for others to read.
Your second note said my changes made it smoother but less "actiony".
I was wondering if you felt the family bond oriented changes I made helped.
Does the story feel more accessible now without losing its punch?

Thanks for all your insightful comments, balls in your court! Cheers!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett,

I enjoyed this quite a lot.

You've got a surreal/supernatural tale with very nice visuals and athmosphere. You establish the mood very efectively, and you've got quite a rich imagination. The man speaking as a child, the candles, the sea water, etc. Lots of things to like. Points for style.

Structurally, it's sound. You've got a clear protagonist (mother) with a clear goal (save her kid) and a ticking clock (the candles).

My only grip, the backstory is a bit muddy. The mother murdered the father and now the father wants revenge? Is that correct? Why did this happen? The father was a wife beater or something?

I liked the fact that this supernatural adventure turns out to be some sort of visual methapor for the man's inner journey (letting go of the past), but I think there should be a more subtle way to convey this. I mean, the man just blurts it out over the phone to someone. This bit felt a bit on the nose.

Perhaps we should hear the other side of that phone conversation? If both sides are talking about the matter, then you could balance the exposition a bit more so he doesn't have to spill all the beans.

Still, you're good with words. I liked this. Thanks for sharing.

Quoted from Mr.Z Hey Brett, I enjoyed this quite a lot. You've got a surreal/supernatural tale with very nice visuals and atmosphere. You establish the mood very effectively, and you've got quite a rich imagination. The man speaking as a child, the candles, the sea water, etc. Lots of things to like. Points for style. Structurally, it's sound. You've got a clear protagonist (mother) with a clear goal (save her kid) and a ticking clock (the candles).

Wow, much thanks for the kind words, Mr. Z!
Coming from an award winner that's not faint praise in the slightest!
I put John Carpenter's "The Fog" soundtrack on repeat and hacked away at this one.
I wanted to create an effective atmosphere without buckets of blood.
Ironically, Carpenter ran into studio problems for doing just that with the 1979 film.

Quoted from Mr.Z My only grip, the backstory is a bit muddy. The mother murdered the father and now the father wants revenge? Is that correct? Why did this happen? The father was a wife beater or something? I liked the fact that this supernatural adventure turns out to be some sort of visual methapor for the man's inner journey (letting go of the past), but I think there should be a more subtle way to convey this. I mean, the man just blurts it out over the phone to someone. This bit felt a bit on the nose. Perhaps we should hear the other side of that phone conversation? If both sides are talking about the matter, then you could balance the exposition a bit more so he doesn't have to spill all the beans. Still, you're good with words. I liked this. Thanks for sharing.

You are correct here, Sir.
I tried reworking the more action oriented less dialog centric first draft.
Part of that was enhancing motivations and it was not a complete success.
For better or worse, I stuck with the ten page contest restraint for this rewrite.
The abuse angle could use some clarification to this end.
The phone chat, it was greatly expanded for this draft.
I'm glad you got the visual metaphor I was going for there.
You got me, I went for a bit on the nose dialog when faced with the page constraint.
It could do with another pass, at the time I didn't want to sacrifice the earlier action.
I wanted to put this one down and get to a treatment for a new feature.
If I were to revisit this outside the bounds of a contest, I would rectify that.

I really enjoy Great Spirit, feel free to send more of your stuff my way!
Thanks again for the thoughtful words, they are inspiring from a growing talent!
Look forward to reading more of your work!

Regards,
E.D.

That Snow White and the Huntsman script did that a lot.
Hey, have you got a PDF of that floating around you can email me at rewriteitagain@gmail.com?
I'm interested in reading reading recent spec scripts that have been bought.
Gracias.

What script of yours you would say best fits your style of writing?
Still working on my style.
I guess once I get a handle on not killing any story with hyper-detail (rolls eyes) I'll actually be able to find a style.
Of the cuff - Although subjects and content may run the gamut, I don't spoon feed the audience much and expect them to come to the table with a fair bit of "mental problem solving".
I dunno if that approach is marketable. Probably not.
I find it contradictory that English majors working as readers A) are glitched by big words and B) want to be spoon fed subtleties.
ARRGH!

That strengthens the filial connection.
See, that's a "big" word you probably can't get away with in your action lines - filial.
You'll tax the poor BA-English graduates wanting middle-school level vocab to produce subtext and subtlety.
Goodness.  

Perhaps the beat of the disappeared body should be a bit sooner?
Nope. I'm a idiot and just missed it.
It's fine.
My bad.

I was wondering if you felt the family bond oriented changes I made helped.
Does the story feel more accessible now without losing its punch?
I'm guessing you're a creative sort of guy, yourself, beyond writing.
You know how you'll throw (and I use that respectfully) something together, walk away from it, come back and move a couple of things that've been bugging you in the back of your mind? Then a few hours later you'll nudge another thing or two. Overnight you figure out a thing to add, two things to join, and half a thing to cut. A week later you've pretty much quit screwing with it.
I think you've done that.
So, "Yeah", the story feels more accessible now without tasting so raw and unrefined.
How'zat?

Quoted from RayW What script of yours you would say best fits your style of writing? Still working on my style. I guess once I get a handle on not killing any story with hyper-detail (rolls eyes) I'll actually be able to find a style. Of the cuff - Although subjects and content may run the gamut, I don't spoon feed the audience much and expect them to come to the table with a fair bit of "mental problem solving". I dunno if that approach is marketable. Probably not. I find it contradictory that English majors working as readers A) are glitched by big words and B) want to be spoon fed subtleties. ARRGH!

Hey Rayness!

Yeah, I tend to veer into hyper detail and requiring mental problem solving skills.
There's a lot of subtext in my feature script that I'm not getting feedback on.
It's not discouraging, I guess its there to more help me stay true to the character.
So long as I know why its there, perhaps on a subconscious level is how it works.
I've had a few folks say, I don't know why I liked the character just do.
I prefer to let my characters define themselves through action, not description.
Yes, one of the main protags in my feature is a thief, but he saves a rape victim.
He only kills for survival, not for sport. I don't seem to be getting it across well here.
Guess I'll keep chipping away at it. I refuse to go all white hat/black hat, heh.

Quoted from RayW That strengthens the filial connection. See, that's a "big" word you probably can't get away with in your action lines - filial. You'll tax the poor BA-English graduates wanting middle-school level vocab to produce subtext and subtlety. Goodness.

Ha! Good one, I'm guilty as charged!
I'm big into subtext and obliterating exposition every chance I get.
I guess its an acquired taste, its all good, a work in progress.

Quoted from RayW I was wondering if you felt the family bond oriented changes I made helped. Does the story feel more accessible now without losing its punch? I'm guessing you're a creative sort of guy, yourself, beyond writing. You know how you'll throw (and I use that respectfully) something together, walk away from it, come back and move a couple of things that've been bugging you in the back of your mind? Then a few hours later you'll nudge another thing or two. Overnight you figure out a thing to add, two things to join, and half a thing to cut. A week later you've pretty much quit screwing with it. I think you've done that. So, "Yeah", the story feels more accessible now without tasting so raw and unrefined. How'zat?

That works for me, and yes, I'm always tossing ideas around in my brainpan.
I liberally use the Notes app on my iPhone, never know when an idea will strike.
Currently, there are 17 different original script idea files on the phone.
I brainstorm while I exercise and type notes into the phone when I have them.
My mental retention is poor, hence, the near constant daily note taking.
I shake and bake them in my brain and the loudest ones turn into treatments.
I'm sure this is much much more than you wanted to know about my "process". =p

Cheers!

E.D.

Brett

Return read as promised. Apologies in advance if I have repeated what others have said as I went into this blindsided.

Some great stuff in here, man. You certainly got a vivid imagination and posses the writing chops to get it down cinematically on the page. Besides a few criticisms I’ve listed below in the page by page notes, I really dig your writing style. I know you’re relatively new to the site but it appears you’ve been writing for some time, formatting & language are not an issue here, a pleasure to read.

Story wise, this had some wonderful gothic inspired moments. In 10 pages you created a world complete with back story and imaginative mythology. I loved the idea of fighting the darkness with light, the ring of candles quenching one by one in a race against the clock scenario and most of all Widow’s Walk itself, very creative indeed. The water motif (while driving a practical monetary budget sky high) added another dimension to the piece, I enjoyed the various references to Edward’s half solid, half liquid composition, you described these characteristics eloquently whilst heightening the tension and excitement.

However, I must admit, I was thrown by the ending. I got the impression that this was written in the vein of a dark fairytale, the way we were just planted into the situation at the beginning with the man in the wheelchair and Deborah kneeling outside the candles. I thought this was gonna be a cyclical thing, in that every Halloween these ancient family feud shenanigans occur. Every Hallow’s Eve being an annual struggle for Deborah & Miles (I figured they were ghosts themselves from the outset) to keep their vengeful father/husband’s spirit at bay.

Instead we get this mere mortal (I’m still not sure if he is Miles or not) who has decided to lay this ghost to rest. Why? I’m not sure. He does mention that he’s a distant relative but I’m not sure whether I believe him or not since he’s obviously sweet talking the person on the other line so they won’t be worried about him. As a result I’m completely non-plussed as to what happens in the final reel, I’m not sure who he, his motivation for doing what he done or how he transformed himself into Miles in order for the ritual to work (I leave the latter one to fantasy but the other two bother me)

Now, just because the ending didn’t correlate with what I predicted and the fact that I don’t completely understand it the way it is doesn’t mean I don’t like it. I’m just confused by it and, in a way, intrigued as to what it means. Please enlighten me!

Col.


Some page by page notes:

Superb opening. Granted, we've seen this type of intro many times before but it's the way you wrote it that impresses me. Short, precise word usage, full of vivid description, you said more in those six lines then I often ramble on about in a page.

“A MAN, 30s, sleeps in a wooden wheelchair. It is too small
for him. It is the wheelchair from the painting. The man
wears MODERN CASUAL attire.”

“The wheelchair rests against a BRASS POLE in the center of
the FOYER. The pole extends up into the ceiling.”

“Silence. A candle flame waivers. Deborah draws a breath.”

“She is kneeling at the foot of the circle. Deborah looks at
the sleeping man, her visage softens.”

-- I found this a little confusing here as you are essentially describing something( i.e. Man in wheelchair & a woman drawing breath) before telling us where they are. Usually one establishes the geography of a scene before going into the details of what is going on in it. Not always of course but it’s advisable to paint us a picture before inserting the drama. Exceptions would be talking off screen or whatever but you actually address Deborah by her name as she draws breath before we’ve seen her (in real life) so it’s a little disorientating, you know. You mention a character doing something before we’ve met her (besides the painting on the wall) Now, maybe you were doing this for an eerie effect, the fact that we were looking at her picture then all of a sudden we here a breath, I’m not sure.

Similar with the wheelchair, you describe it and its occupant…and then tell us that it’s resting against the brass pole. Perhaps yo’re envisaging close up shots before panning back to reveal the surroundings. Either way,  no big deal, it just threw me for a moment.

DEBORAH (CONT’D)
(sings a lullaby) Shambling leaves
against our door...Heed not the
whispering breeze...Lonely waves
swallow the shore...Shades walk on
All Hallow’s Eve.

     Put the wryly on a separate line. For example:

DEBORAH (CONT’D)
(sings a lullaby)
Shambling leaves
against our door...Heed not the
whispering breeze...Lonely waves
swallow the shore...Shades walk on
All Hallow’s Eve.

“The man opens his eyes”

Your writing in general is very lean except I would try to omit “and” where possible and replace them with commas. For example on page 4 alone:

“Deborah raises the lantern to her face and scans the wall.”

-- Could be “Deborah raises the lantern to her face, scans the wall”. This states the same thing put reads better, in my opinion

“She puts down the lantern and pulls on the rock.”

-- Same as above

MAN (CHILD’S VOICE)
(whispers) Father has returned.

-- Interesting visual/audio mismatch. It could come of as genuinely unnerving or just silly depending on the  filmmaker’s execution.

“Edward is a sea choked echo of the family portrait.”

-- Nice line.

“Edward pauses, then descends into the cellar.”

-- I thought we were already in the cellar?

“Edward closes in on her. He raises the cutlass. Thunder clap.”

-- Ok, I’m perplexed now. As far as I can gather, Edward emerges from the bulkhead doors, descends into the cellar…and now he’s right up on her. Yet this all, according to the scene headings, happens within the cellar.

“She almost drops the flint. Deborah moves away from the hatch. She strikes flint to iron. Nothing.”

-- Again, no big deal but if you are referring to a character more then once in an action paragraph, I would always use the character’s name first & use pronouns henceforth. Maybe it’s just me but its reads strange the other way around.

End of Pg 6 - “THRUNK! The hatch shudders. The lock holds.”

Top of Pg 7 – “THUNK! The hatch cracks. The lock bolt shudders.”

-- To your credit, your writing is colourful and varied and you seem conscious of not repeating adjectives. However, above I spotted “shudders” being used in close proximity. Once again, tis a small thing but this type of repetition always sticks out for me. I assume with your firm grasp of vocabulary (as the script proves on numerous occasions) that you can come up with an equally effective alternative.

Also, while there’s plenty of action going throughout the middle and end of the piece, you’ve essentially set-up the same scene three times in a row, albeit in different parts of the house. Firstly, you got Edward trying to bust down the bulkhead door in the cellar trying to get to Deborah. Secondly, you got Edward trying to bust down the cellar door to get to Deborah in the foyer and thirdly, you got Edward trying to bust down the hatch door to get to Deborah out on Widow’s Walk. I assume you can see a trend here? Maybe mix it up a little, put a different obstacle in front of Edward to temporarily impede his progress.

Pg 5 – “She sees Edward at the circle, cutlass poised to strike.”

Pg 8 – “Edward levels the cutlass at her, poised to strike.”

-- Although further apart in page count, you end almost half a sentence the same when describing identical actions. Try to keep it diverse.

“The impaled shape writhes and burns to ash.”

-- Why have him burn to ash and not return to water? I know he wasn’t too fond of fire’s innate luminary properties either! but we’ve seen things turn to ash sooo many times before. I think it woulda’ been cool (and more consistent to the story) if he turned completely back into sea water thus keeping the aqua theme going.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Brett Return read as promised. Apologies in advance if I have repeated what others have said as I went into this blindsided. Some great stuff in here, man. You certainly got a vivid imagination and posses the writing chops to get it down cinematically on the page. Besides a few criticisms I’ve listed below in the page by page notes, I really dig your writing style. I know you’re relatively new to the site but it appears you’ve been writing for some time, formatting & language are not an issue here, a pleasure to read.

Col,

Much thanks for the read back. You are a man of your word.
I will not forget it when next you have some work you want reviewed.
I'm pleased you enjoyed the opening slavo of descriptions.
I knew I wanted this to be an atmospheric piece, but tell a complete story.
To do that, I needed to be economical and effective with my descriptions.
I probably revised the opening more than any other part of this script.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Story wise, this had some wonderful gothic inspired moments. In 10 pages you created a world complete with back story and imaginative mythology. I loved the idea of fighting the darkness with light, the ring of candles quenching one by one in a race against the clock scenario and most of all Widow’s Walk itself, very creative indeed. The water motif (while driving a practical monetary budget sky high) added another dimension to the piece, I enjoyed the various references to Edward’s half solid, half liquid composition, you described these characteristics eloquently whilst heightening the tension and excitement.

I was going for a visually rich gothic tale with a healthy dose of action and suspense.
It's a tall order for a ten pager, but I like to make things hard on myself.
I believe you can tell a twenty page story in ten pages if you focus on economy.
Show, don't tell as much as you can. That kind of challenge brings the best out of me.
Despite the brevity, I wanted Widow's Walk to have a classic three act structure.
Act I: The Circle. Act II: The Cellar. Act III: The Widow's Walk.
I felt strongly that this story would benefit from sticking to that structure.
And yes, the candles are a ticking clock I wrap my three acts up in nice and tight.
I am a big fan of time constraints on my characters, put them to the test.
I think it helps translate a sense of urgency to the reader, keep the pages turning.
I'm a die hard fan of John Carpenter's "The Fog", so I couldn't resist the water.
I essentially substituted sea water for the "abilities" the fog had in that 1979 film.
The major departure being seaweed and water used here for "ghost guts" here.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 However, I must admit, I was thrown by the ending. I got the impression that this was written in the vein of a dark fairytale, the way we were just planted into the situation at the beginning with the man in the wheelchair and Deborah kneeling outside the candles. I thought this was gonna be a cyclical thing, in that every Halloween these ancient family feud shenanigans occur. Every Hallow’s Eve being an annual struggle for Deborah & Miles (I figured they were ghosts themselves from the outset) to keep their vengeful father/husband’s spirit at bay. Instead we get this mere mortal (I’m still not sure if he is Miles or not) who has decided to lay this ghost to rest. Why? I’m not sure. He does mention that he’s a distant relative but I’m not sure whether I believe him or not since he’s obviously sweet talking the person on the other line so they won’t be worried about him. As a result I’m completely non-plussed as to what happens in the final reel, I’m not sure who he, his motivation for doing what he done or how he transformed himself into Miles in order for the ritual to work (I leave the latter one to fantasy but the other two bother me) Now, just because the ending didn’t correlate with what I predicted and the fact that I don’t completely understand it the way it is doesn’t mean I don’t like it. I’m just confused by it and, in a way, intrigued as to what it means. Please enlighten me!

I like your cyclical theory.
However, keep in mind i was working with the OWC rules for this piece.
My three characters had to be adults, I had to fudge things to get a kid in there.
That being said, I decided to use the possession device to being Miles into play.
Your annual dark fairy tale sounds grand, you never know what the next OWC will be.
I chose the modern day end to enhance the family theme of the story.
Putting old wounds to rest and moving on as a family, bonding, etc.
As to divulging my character's motivations...
Not a chance. If I've sparked your imagination, I've achieved the ultimate goal.
Who am I to say what you take away from something I created?   

CONTINUED ON NEXT POST

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS POST

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Some page by page notes: Superb opening. Granted, we've seen this type of intro many times before but it's the way you wrote it that impresses me. Short, precise word usage, full of vivid description, you said more in those six lines then I often ramble on about in a page. “A MAN, 30s, sleeps in a wooden wheelchair. It is too small for him. It is the wheelchair from the painting. The man wears MODERN CASUAL attire.” “The wheelchair rests against a BRASS POLE in the center of the FOYER. The pole extends up into the ceiling.” “Silence. A candle flame waivers. Deborah draws a breath.” “She is kneeling at the foot of the circle. Deborah looks at the sleeping man, her visage softens.” -- I found this a little confusing here as you are essentially describing something( i.e. Man in wheelchair & a woman drawing breath) before telling us where they are. Usually one establishes the geography of a scene before going into the details of what is going on in it. Not always of course but it’s advisable to paint us a picture before inserting the drama. Exceptions would be talking off screen or whatever but you actually address Deborah by her name as she draws breath before we’ve seen her (in real life) so it’s a little disorientating, you know. You mention a character doing something before we’ve met her (besides the painting on the wall) Now, maybe you were doing this for an eerie effect, the fact that we were looking at her picture then all of a sudden we here a breath, I’m not sure. Similar with the wheelchair, you describe it and its occupant…and then tell us that it’s resting against the brass pole. Perhaps yo’re envisaging close up shots before panning back to reveal the surroundings. Either way,  no big deal, it just threw me for a moment.

The reason why Deborah's intro comes off a bit odd is the whole appearing thing.
I didn't want to keep her ghostly origins a secret from the reader.
However, I didn't wanna shove the appearing out of thin air thing at readers though.
So, I got something that is admittedly a bit stilted.
Yeah, I was going for an odd effect with the painting then going to her. Kinda worked.
As to the wheelchair, that odd bit of description is there because...
I thought it would be cool to foreshadow the pole in the widow's walk with it.
Was it needed? Nope. Did I take it out because of that? Nope. I blanked on it.
I already foreshadowed the widow's walk in the opening scene, didn't need this.
So, those two lines hang there, like a fart in a car. =p

Quoted from Colkurtz8 DEBORAH (CONT’D) (sings a lullaby) Shambling leaves against our door...Heed not the whispering breeze...Lonely waves swallow the shore...Shades walk on All Hallow’s Eve.      Put the wryly on a separate line. For example: DEBORAH (CONT’D) (sings a lullaby) Shambling leaves against our door...Heed not the whispering breeze...Lonely waves swallow the shore...Shades walk on All Hallow’s Eve.

You are right about the wryly.
However, I was saving every line I could with a ten page constraint.
So, I chose to fudge it.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Your writing in general is very lean except I would try to omit “and” where possible and replace them with commas. For example on page 4 alone: “Deborah raises the lantern to her face and scans the wall.” -- Could be “Deborah raises the lantern to her face, scans the wall”. This states the same thing put reads better, in my opinion “She puts down the lantern and pulls on the rock.” -- Same as above

I see your point, I would change that in a subsequent draft.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 MAN (CHILD’S VOICE) (whispers) Father has returned. -- Interesting visual/audio mismatch. It could come of as genuinely unnerving or just silly depending on the  filmmaker’s execution. “Edward is a sea choked echo of the family portrait.” -- Nice line. [quote] The A/V mismatch, I was swinging for the creepy bleachers with that one. Thanks, I like sea choked echoes too, they sound nifty. “Edward pauses, then descends into the cellar.” [quote=colkurtz8] -- I thought we were already in the cellar? “Edward closes in on her. He raises the cutlass. Thunder clap.” -- Ok, I’m perplexed now. As far as I can gather, Edward emerges from the bulkhead doors, descends into the cellar…and now he’s right up on her. Yet this all, according to the scene headings, happens within the cellar. “She almost drops the flint. Deborah moves away from the hatch. She strikes flint to iron. Nothing.” -- Again, no big deal but if you are referring to a character more then once in an action paragraph, I would always use the character’s name first & use pronouns henceforth. Maybe it’s just me but its reads strange the other way around.

The bulkhead was apparently not very well described by me in the script.
I've gotten this note from a  few folks.
The cellar is below ground, the double doors open outward, from the outside.
So he pulled the doors open, then walked down the steps into the cellar.
I would have to rework this bit of business in the next draft.
Yeah, some people don't like she, some get sick of seeing the name all the time.
I guess it kind of comes down to personal preference there.  

Quoted from Colkurtz8 End of Pg 6 - “THRUNK! The hatch shudders. The lock holds.” Top of Pg 7 – “THUNK! The hatch cracks. The lock bolt shudders.” -- To your credit, your writing is colourful and varied and you seem conscious of not repeating adjectives. However, above I spotted “shudders” being used in close proximity. Once again, tis a small thing but this type of repetition always sticks out for me. I assume with your firm grasp of vocabulary (as the script proves on numerous occasions) that you can come up with an equally effective alternative. Also, while there’s plenty of action going throughout the middle and end of the piece, you’ve essentially set-up the same scene three times in a row, albeit in different parts of the house. Firstly, you got Edward trying to bust down the bulkhead door in the cellar trying to get to Deborah. Secondly, you got Edward trying to bust down the cellar door to get to Deborah in the foyer and thirdly, you got Edward trying to bust down the hatch door to get to Deborah out on Widow’s Walk. I assume you can see a trend here? Maybe mix it up a little, put a different obstacle in front of Edward to temporarily impede his progress. Pg 5 – “She sees Edward at the circle, cutlass poised to strike.” Pg 8 – “Edward levels the cutlass at her, poised to strike.” -- Although further apart in page count, you end almost half a sentence the same when describing identical actions. Try to keep it diverse.

I went for the relentless pursuit over different obstacles there.
Was it for the better? Probably not, but it was what I had at the time.
I made the choice to use my description elsewhere, instead of new stuff.
I wanted to focus more on atmosphere than creating new scenarios.
It was a conscious choice, not an excuse, you do have a valid point.
Yeah, my thesaurus was not at 100% when I wrote the second draft.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 “The impaled shape writhes and burns to ash.” -- Why have him burn to ash and not return to water? I know he wasn’t too fond of fire’s innate luminary properties either! but we’ve seen things turn to ash sooo many times before. I think it woulda’ been cool (and more consistent to the story) if he turned completely back into sea water thus keeping the aqua theme going.

Hmmm, I like this, may have to steal it.
You are right, I don't know why I burned him, seemed the thing to do at the time.
Bank on seeing some variant on this should I redraft this.

I'm glad you enjoyed this story, I'm thrilled it appealed to your imagination.
I'm sure Deborah and Miles appreciate the attention too.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful review.
Keep me posted on your new material and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.

So you're not gonna divulge on the ending then...?

Basta?d

On the basis of your response I'd like to see you rewrite this without the contraints of the OWC. It seems you have some interesting ideas that couldn't make it because of said restrictions.

hey Brett,

Here's the return read.

SPOILERS!

I like your descriptions. I envy you. lol.

Some formatting problems specifically dealing with the parenthesis, but that's easily fixable.

My main gripe is with the ending. I figured the Man being the boy in the painting. But apparently, the Man is not. I get a Ghost Whisperer vibe from him (he communicates with the dead to resolve issues). And if it is a ghost whisperer type story, very cool. If not, then I don't know.

Another problem is the father's motivation. It's never explained why he's so angry to the point of murdering his supposed kid and wife. Granted that motivation could be left up to the reader/audience to come up with the reason, but I think it would be best to offer a reason. I only see him as a tool of conflict in the story. I want to know why he's after them. He give him a reason like Jack Torrence in the Shining.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Hey Brett,

Your revised draft is better than your first draft. Less problems with overwriting. Some like the descriptive writing while others - like me - prefer less words. For example,

The man sleeps in a wooden wheelchair. It is too small for him.

Could be shortened to:

The man sleeps in a wheelchair too small for him.

Gets rid of an evil IT and looses three words and - to me - reads smoother.

I lost track of the plot at the bottom of page 1 with the woman referred to the man as Miles and didn’t get it back until page 6 when the widow confessed to killing the sea captain. Why? I don’t know. I don’t like going back into the story to find out.

Very good at setting atmosphere.

Dialogue was average in that no lines stood out.

Overall: Story is improved but needs tightening of narrative and clarity to understand plot.

Hope this helps. You got potential buddy.

Gary

EDIT:

In my review, I said I had a hard time following the plot.  Think it was a confusion over who the Man and Deborah were.  If I would've had some inkling that they were not who they appeared to be, it would have helped me a lot.  In reading it a second time, it was much clearer than the first time.  I'll admit I read these things fast.  I should've read this one slower.

Hey Brett,

I more or less liked this one. I won't comment on whether or not it's overwritten, you've had enough of that already. I will say it didn't really occur to me that it could be overwritten. I really enjoyed the writing. You set up a nice Gothic atmosphere with the Victorian house, the Widow's Watch and all the nautical iconography. I've got something of a thing for "aquatic" ghosts, zombies, what have you. There's just something so icky about seaweed and briny water.

I think the story was setup nicely with the candles and the portrait and you kept up the suspense pretty consistently. I've taken big issue with the amount of throwaway wheelchair characters. Yours is still something of a prop but at least you built some suspense around the man with the water rising and snuffing out the candles.

I didn't like the dialogue. It sounded really hokey and melodramatic to me and the overuse of the word "Mommy" made me cringe. I think the main problem was you tried to hard to make it sound period appropriate but it just sounded awkward. The exchanges between the mother and son were particularly bad. I think with the husband, it was a lot more tolerable.

The end didn't kill the story but it certainly killed the period atmosphere, which was my favorite thing about the whole script. So I'd chuck it. It comes out of nowhere and just doesn't go anywhere. It seems like information you would've hinted at toward the beginning anyway.

Overall, I liked it though. I think you differentiated yourself enough from the crowd to keep it fresh but came up with something classic as well.