Quoted from Colkurtz8 So you're not gonna divulge on the ending then...? Basta?d On the basis of your response I'd like to see you rewrite this without the contraints of the OWC. It seems you have some interesting ideas that couldn't make it because of said restrictions.

Ooooh, so you're one of those kinds of kids, eh?
You like it when the magician shows you the trick and ruins the magic?
I will say this much, it seems The Man has good intentions.
But we all know what particular road is paved with good intentions.

This one is in my mental queue to return to at some point.
However, I have original feature length properties I'm developing to sell.
The world of Bly's Cove intrigues me and I do wish to revisit it some day soon.

I'm pleased this story spoke to you, thanks again for all your efforts.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Brett, Here's the return read. SPOILERS! I like your descriptions. I envy you. lol. Some formatting problems specifically dealing with the parenthesis, but that's easily fixable.

Hey Gabe!

Much thanks for the read back! You are a man of your word!
My apologies for the late reply, holidays blahs grabbed me for a bit.
LOL, envy? Thanks. Though many have taken me to task for my descriptions.
In regard to the parenthesis, you mean about the child's voice references?
I feared they may have been misused, but no one else has called me on it.
Please elaborate if you can, my tech skills need much improving. Thanks.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley My main gripe is with the ending. I figured the Man being the boy in the painting. But apparently, the Man is not. I get a Ghost Whisperer vibe from him (he communicates with the dead to resolve issues). And if it is a ghost whisperer type story, very cool. If not, then I don't know.

You are correct and correct.
The Man is not Miles, he is a descendant of the boy.
The painting is dated 1910, but it seems I did not draw enough attention to that fact.
The Man is a ghost whisperer type, but I did not want to spend time with how he did it.
I felt my ten pages were better spent on action than explanation.
I like leaving some things to the reader's imagination.
I'm trying to tell a 15 page story in ten pages to keep it interesting for the reader.
And some of the things left to the imagination can be tough to choose.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Another problem is the father's motivation. It's never explained why he's so angry to the point of murdering his supposed kid and wife. Granted that motivation could be left up to the reader/audience to come up with the reason, but I think it would be best to offer a reason. I only see him as a tool of conflict in the story. I want to know why he's after them. He give him a reason like Jack Torrence in the Shining. Hope this helps, Gabe

I did have a line spoken by Miles on page two that illustrated this point.
It was along the lines of Edward resenting having such a "weak son".
I took it out and I can see that may have been a mistake.
Perhaps Deborah when on the stairs should address the child abuse issue.
I saw so space conscious with the page constraint, I made a few mistakes.
I'm glad you enjoyed my reworked OWC, thanks so much for your time.
I look forward to seeing more of your work, keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.  

Quoted from grademan Hey Brett, Your revised draft is better than your first draft. Less problems with overwriting. Some like the descriptive writing while others - like me - prefer less words. For example, The man sleeps in a wooden wheelchair. It is too small for him. Could be shortened to: The man sleeps in a wheelchair too small for him. Gets rid of an evil IT and looses three words and - to me - reads smoother.

Hey Gary,

I appreciate all the feedback, you've been very generous with your time.
LOL. The Evil IT. I like that, I'll keep that in mind for any new drafts. Thanks.
I want to write less, but my highly visual mind tends to get the better of me.
Ray thinks its because I tend to direct in my head and try to put it on the page.
I think he's onto something there, I need to find a better balance with that.  

Quoted from grademan Very good at setting atmosphere. Dialogue was average in that no lines stood out. Overall: Story is improved but needs tightening of narrative and clarity to understand plot. Hope this helps. You got potential buddy. Gary

I'm glad the atmosphere worked for you, I put a lot of energy into building it up.
I wanted this script to have a strong visual element for the reader to set the mood.
Is there's a way to spice up dialog? Perhaps, its good it doesn't draw attention to itself.
I think this could use another polish, perhaps if there's interest in production.
I honestly don't see that happening, this is a rather set/prop heavy story.
It's my homage to "The Fog", "The Innocents" and "The Changeling" all in one!

Quoted from grademan EDIT: In my review, I said I had a hard time following the plot.  Think it was a confusion over who the Man and Deborah were.  If I would've had some inkling that they were not who they appeared to be, it would have helped me a lot.  In reading it a second time, it was much clearer than the first time.  I'll admit I read these things fast.  I should've read this one slower.

Whew! I'm glad revisiting the story worked out okay.
I tried to set the stage with the painting, perhaps I need to draw more attention to it.
Thanks for all the advice, its much appreciated!
I'll get to that review you wanted from me as soon as time allows!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from James McClung Hey Brett, I more or less liked this one. I won't comment on whether or not it's overwritten, you've had enough of that already. I will say it didn't really occur to me that it could be overwritten. I really enjoyed the writing. You set up a nice Gothic atmosphere with the Victorian house, the Widow's Watch and all the nautical iconography. I've got something of a thing for "aquatic" ghosts, zombies, what have you. There's just something so icky about seaweed and briny water. I think the story was setup nicely with the candles and the portrait and you kept up the suspense pretty consistently. I've taken big issue with the amount of throwaway wheelchair characters. Yours is still something of a prop but at least you built some suspense around the man with the water rising and snuffing out the candles.

James,

My apologies for not responding to this read sooner.
Holiday clamor and working on a new treatment vied for my attention.
I'm glad you liked the imagery and atmosphere, I spent a lot of time on it.
Suspense was a primary concern  for me here, it's a tough nut to crack on the page.
I tried to keep the action moving and ratcheting up the tension as I went along.
The wheelchair, yeah, it's a prop, but I did try to give it some attention.
It's more of a conduit than a character, but that's better than nothing.

Quoted from James McClung I didn't like the dialogue. It sounded really hokey and melodramatic to me and the overuse of the word "Mommy" made me cringe. I think the main problem was you tried to hard to make it sound period appropriate but it just sounded awkward. The exchanges between the mother and son were particularly bad. I think with the husband, it was a lot more tolerable. The end didn't kill the story but it certainly killed the period atmosphere, which was my favorite thing about the whole script. So I'd chuck it. It comes out of nowhere and just doesn't go anywhere. It seems like information you would've hinted at toward the beginning anyway. Overall, I liked it though. I think you differentiated yourself enough from the crowd to keep it fresh but came up with something classic as well.

I can see your point about the dialogue.
It could probably do with a bit of streamlining.
That period accurate stuff is tricky, a fine line between effective and distraction.
The ending. I can't remember now how I got stuck on the ending.
I like the idea of the guy not being wheelchair bound in the end, not a great answer.
I tried to make it more about family values in the end.
It does pull the reader out of the atmosphere.
It's been suggested that it should be more cyclical in nature, which I like.
This is kind of my love letter to "The Fog", The Changeling" and "The Innocents".
I had a lot of fun with this draft, I may tinker with it in the future.
Thanks so much for your time and comments, they are appreciated.
My next reading assignment is your "Complete".

Regards,
E.D.

Hi E.D.,

I really liked your writing style.  Your descriptions were succinct and put a clear picture in my mind; however, as you went on, you sort of went overboard with it.  You described stuff that didn’t really need describing.  “The [locket] unfolds like a clam shell.”  I would try to cut down on superfluous descriptions and focus on the things that really need it, i.e. the house (which you did very well with).  Look to combine as many sentences as you can.  You use the word hatch a lot.  Try to combine those sentences some.

The story was intriguing because of the structure.  You had a little intro, which set the tone.  Then you moved on to a rising action, which climaxed well, and followed this up with a nice resolution.  Nice job.

I really liked the Man acting like a child, but this made me a little disappointed in the end when he “grew up” all of the sudden and seemed refresh.  I thought he should be tired/beat up when he answers the phone.  “Ugh, yeah honey, I think it’s time to sell the place.”  Rubs his neck, grimaces.  “No, I’m serious…”

Overall, this is a nice piece of work.  I believe it had the effect that you intended.  Good luck with it.  Below are some notes that I took while reading.

Take care,
JP

P.S.  I did sorta wonder about the flint to start a fire.  Maybe this is because of my experience in the scouts.  I had a hard time lighting a cotton ball out of the package.  I really doubt I could have lit a wick in a house near the ocean in a thunderstorm.

p.1 – Like your writing style.  Short, to-the-point descriptions.  There’s an unintended alliteration that’s sort of a tongue twister: Widow’s walk wrapped in a wrought…Probably need to change.

The last description, might change to: “light shines through a boarded-up window.”  It’s kinda wordy as it is; we already know it’s lightening.

I’m not sure if continuous needs to be in the second slug.  It’s probably optional, but I usually only use continuous if we’re following two actions at the same time, i.e. “INT. CLASSROOM –DAY John screams in pain.  INT. HALL – CONTINOUS   Allan jumps up alert.”

p.2 – “I’m scared of the dark, Mommy.  He comes back to hurt me when it’s dark.”  First thoughts:  His dad molested him? (Why does he hurt him when it’s dark.)

wood-plank door

P.3 – You use the word bulkhead too much at the end of pag 3.  You can probably combine these sentences.  It just reads choppy.

P4 – I don’t think water really oozes.  Might say the water overruns the steps as she leaves to the foyer.  Or something like that.

p. 6 – The “R” is throwing me off in “THRUNK.”

P.8 – Why is Deborah’s wound oozing briny water and seaweed.  We were never given any indication that she was a ghost-like creature.

p. 10 – Why isn’t the MAN called MILES?

Quoted from jap313 Hi E.D., I really liked your writing style.  Your descriptions were succinct and put a clear picture in my mind; however, as you went on, you sort of went overboard with it.  You described stuff that didn’t really need describing.  “The [locket] unfolds like a clam shell.”  I would try to cut down on superfluous descriptions and focus on the things that really need it, i.e. the house (which you did very well with).  Look to combine as many sentences as you can.  You use the word hatch a lot.  Try to combine those sentences some.

JP,

Much thanks for the read back, its always appreciated.
I'm glad the story spoke to you.
I wrote this as I was starting to learn to economize my action description.
If I were to go back over it, I'm sure I could lop off about 15% with no problem.
As it stands, it's much better than what I wrote before i joined this site.

Quoted from jap313 The story was intriguing because of the structure.  You had a little intro, which set the tone.  Then you moved on to a rising action, which climaxed well, and followed this up with a nice resolution.  Nice job.

I consciously made the effort to give this short a three act structure.
Even for just ten pages, a story structure is just as important, more so with suspense.
I divided my act breaks by location: foyer to cellar to widow's walk.
Admittedly, I tried to cram a lot into ten pages, it could use some streamlining.

Quoted from jap313 I really liked the Man acting like a child, but this made me a little disappointed in the end when he “grew up” all of the sudden and seemed refresh.  I thought he should be tired/beat up when he answers the phone.  “Ugh, yeah honey, I think it’s time to sell the place.”  Rubs his neck, grimaces.  “No, I’m serious…”

Guilty, this ending was added to the second draft.
Overall, it captures the tone I want, but it's a bit rushed.
You have a good point about the exhaustion, you're the first to mention it.
I'm not entirely satisfied with the dialogue there either.
If I were to expand on this script, that would be one of the first changes. Thanks.

Quoted from jap313 P.S.  I did sorta wonder about the flint to start a fire.  Maybe this is because of my experience in the scouts.  I had a hard time lighting a cotton ball out of the package.  I really doubt I could have lit a wick in a house near the ocean in a thunderstorm.

The flint stone and striker should light an oiled wick without much issue.
Wicks are typically moistened in oil inside a device of that nature.

Quoted from jap313 There's actually a term for that type of beacon, someone said earlier in the thread. p.1 – Like your writing style.  Short, to-the-point descriptions.  There’s an unintended alliteration that’s sort of a tongue twister: Widow’s walk wrapped in a wrought…Probably need to change.

Heh, I'm alliteration's whore, I can't help myself sometimes.

Quoted from jap313 I’m not sure if continuous needs to be in the second slug.  It’s probably optional, but I usually only use continuous if we’re following two actions at the same time, i.e. “INT. CLASSROOM –DAY John screams in pain.  INT. HALL – CONTINOUS   Allan jumps up alert.”

I'll check that out, I've gotten much better with my slugs in recent months.
SS has been a great resource to improve my format skills.

Quoted from jap313 p.2 – “I’m scared of the dark, Mommy.  He comes back to hurt me when it’s dark.”  First thoughts:  His dad molested him? (Why does he hurt him when it’s dark.)

The suggestion is molest or beat. A strong sea faring father with a weak son.
That's grounds for some serious resentment issues.
With an expanded page count, this point would be made clearer.

Quoted from jap313 P4 – I don’t think water really oozes.  Might say the water overruns the steps as she leaves to the foyer.  Or something like that.

My intent was to show that the water is supernatural in nature.
I was trying to be subtle with the oozing up the stairs. Perhaps a bit too subtle.

Quoted from jap313 P.8 – Why is Deborah’s wound oozing briny water and seaweed.  We were never given any indication that she was a ghost-like creature. p. 10 – Why isn’t the MAN called MILES?

Ahhh, this has been the biggest sticking point that no one picked up on.
The inscription on the painting says it was painted in 1910.
The man in the chair channeled Miles to connect with Deborah.
I did a poor job of relaying that, which causes confusion for most readers.
Thanks for the insightful comments.
Should I do another pass on this, they will prove helpful.
Good luck with Zeke and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from E.D. I divided my act breaks by location: foyer to cellar to widow's walk.

I didn't notice that, but that's very good.

Quoted from E.D. Ahhh, this has been the biggest sticking point that no one picked up on. The inscription on the painting says it was painted in 1910. The man in the chair channeled Miles to connect with Deborah. I did a poor job of relaying that, which causes confusion for most readers. Thanks for the insightful comments. Should I do another pass on this, they will prove helpful. Good luck with Zeke and keep writing!

Gah, i should have caught this.  I went back and looked at the age differences between the family members, but didn't catch on to the 1910 date.  That adds meaning to the milky eyes.  I guess now the question is why does this guy want to Channel Miles to Deborah?  What's his relationship to Deborah?  Maybe this would be too much for ten pages, so you might be better off changing the Man to Miles.

John

Quoted from jap313 I didn't notice that, but that's very good. Gah, i should have caught this.  I went back and looked at the age differences between the family members, but didn't catch on to the 1910 date.  That adds meaning to the milky eyes.  I guess now the question is why does this guy want to Channel Miles to Deborah?  What's his relationship to Deborah?  Maybe this would be too much for ten pages, so you might be better off changing the Man to Miles. John

Heh, its good that you didn't pick up the structure.
It's a road mao for me to keep the pacing going.
I tend to be pretty straightforward with my "act breaks" like that.
I'm a structure geek that way.

Yeah, I did not draw enough attention to it as a writer.
As per the OWC rules, I could not have a child formally in the story.
However, that didn't stop be from shoehorning one in there my own way.
Also part of the rules was a man has to be in a wheelchair.
If I were to rewrite this, I would blow off the rules and expand my page count.

At the end, the Man says he was helping out "a distant relative" on the phone.
The implication is that the Man is a direct descendant of Deborah and Miles.
It's a lot to digest for ten pages, I agree.
I'd rather err on the side of too much, I can refine it later.

Thanks again for the insights.
The critiques stoke the fires of getting me to work on this again.
When I get a break working on things I'm trying to sell, I will come back to this.
Sadly, Widow's Walk is a tough first sell with the sets and action.
But I'm grateful to have a ghost story in my arsenal of stories.

Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey E.D.

I really liked the atmosphere in this one.  It's funny, because a lot of people have said that they loved the atmosphere, but complained that the story was over-detailed.  The over-detailed descriptions probably really helped invoke the great atmosphere, so that can't really be a fault if you're putting a great image in people's heads.  Kind of a catch 22 there, huh?  Guess it's just having to chalk it up as half-pleasing half the people half the time.

You already know I'm a big fan of your action sequences, so I actually like the stacking method you use for that.

Well, I thought I understood what was going on in the story, until the end when the man's friggin' cell phone started going off.   I was sitting there thinking, how the hell does he have a cell phone in 1930?  Throughout the whole story, I thought that the man was Miles, in his 30's.  That's why I thought the story was taking place in the 1930's.  Even when you said he was dressed in modern attire, lol, I was picturing him in modern attire for the 1930's.  :-)

So, yeah, I'm afraid to say that I was dumb and this one went straight over my head.  Even at first, I was picturing Deborah how she'd look in the 1930's.  So that kind of explains why things were coming off so weird when I was reading this.

I think it could use a bit of a brush up just to make things a little more clear, as reading through, I saw a couple people thought the same thing as I did and was a little baffled.  I'd probably have to say the first thing to clear up is Deborah calling the man 'Miles' right off the bat.  That threw me off the whole story and I was hopelessly lost after that.

It's definately an intriguing idea, (especially with the images of the ghosts bleeding seawater, I loved that), and can even be a great twist, but the confusion has to be taken out of the story to hit home all the way

Very good for your first OWC.  Very ambitious.  Even if it would've been your tenth OWC, it still would have been good.  Just have to make the story come across a little bit clearer.

Hope this helps.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Hey E.D. I really liked the atmosphere in this one.  It's funny, because a lot of people have said that they loved the atmosphere, but complained that the story was over-detailed.  The over-detailed descriptions probably really helped invoke the great atmosphere, so that can't really be a fault if you're putting a great image in people's heads.  Kind of a catch 22 there, huh?  Guess it's just having to chalk it up as half-pleasing half the people half the time.

Hey Mark,

Thanks for dredging up this water logged script.
It was the first short I ever wrote.
It was a tough slog too, I had an unexpected house guest that week.
The atmosphere in this one is a smoochy love letter to The Fog and The Changeling.
There's a healthy dose of The Innocents in there too, adore all three of those films.

I was struggling with a lot of over description at the time.
I'm sure if I read this piece now, I would probably cringe muchly at the style.
I'm glad the murky fog slathered sea vibe worked for you.

Quoted from rc1107 You already know I'm a big fan of your action sequences, so I actually like the stacking method you use for that.

I'm slowly modifying the stacking, I felt pretty good about in West Side Markets.
When I'm in a stacking mood, I compile a series of shots now.
It's a fine line between being overly staccato and slick. I'm working on it.
I'm a big believer in using action to tell my stories.

Quoted from rc1107 Well, I thought I understood what was going on in the story, until the end when the man's friggin' cell phone started going off.   I was sitting there thinking, how the hell does he have a cell phone in 1930?  Throughout the whole story, I thought that the man was Miles, in his 30's.  That's why I thought the story was taking place in the 1930's.  Even when you said he was dressed in modern attire, lol, I was picturing him in modern attire for the 1930's.  :-) So, yeah, I'm afraid to say that I was dumb and this one went straight over my head.  Even at first, I was picturing Deborah how she'd look in the 1930's.  So that kind of explains why things were coming off so weird when I was reading this. I think it could use a bit of a brush up just to make things a little more clear, as reading through, I saw a couple people thought the same thing as I did and was a little baffled.  I'd probably have to say the first thing to clear up is Deborah calling the man 'Miles' right off the bat.  That threw me off the whole story and I was hopelessly lost after that. It's definately an intriguing idea, (especially with the images of the ghosts bleeding seawater, I loved that), and can even be a great twist, but the confusion has to be taken out of the story to hit home all the way Very good for your first OWC.  Very ambitious.  Even if it would've been your tenth OWC, it still would have been good.  Just have to make the story come across a little bit clearer. Hope this helps. - Mark

My ambition to grab the challenge by the horns muddled the result here.
Grabbing a proverbial butter knife and making it fit alienated the reader somewhat.
The man in the wheelchair is in present and he is spiritually channeling young Miles.
The man is a descendant of the family that now owns the property.
I put a date on the painting's plaque but no one picks up on it.
I'm sure I could do a much better job with this now.
SS has given me great pointers and it helps me tell me story better.

Thanks again, and keep those stories rolling!

Regards,
E.D.

Nice story you have here, Brett.

I didn't see that ending coming at all. It sort of came out of nowhere though.

Suggestion: Maybe there should be a for sale sign in front of the house, and maybe Deborah could be packing some of their belongings so they could leave. ???

The one thing that kind of stuck with me was Deborah's age when the older gent was in the wheelchair. I had a hard time getting past that.

Maybe if you described her clothing or say that she still looked the same as in the painting, then we could think that maybe she died and her ghost is trying to protect her son... well even though she really is.

I liked the lullaby. Very sweet.

I do like the ending, but I think we need a little hint at it.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Nice story you have here, Brett. I didn't see that ending coming at all. It sort of came out of nowhere though. Suggestion: Maybe there should be a for sale sign in front of the house, and maybe Deborah could be packing some of their belongings so they could leave. ???

Hey Cindy,

Thanks for resurrecting this ghostly tale.
This was the first short I ever wrote and probably too ambitious for its own good.
I spent a lot of time cultivating the atmosphere for this one, glad it worked for you.
Good suggestion, I'm sure I could tell this story much better now.
I like the vibe and the characters, but the execution could use some touch up.

Quoted from CindyLKeller The one thing that kind of stuck with me was Deborah's age when the older gent was in the wheelchair. I had a hard time getting past that. Maybe if you described her clothing or say that she still looked the same as in the painting, then we could think that maybe she died and her ghost is trying to protect her son... well even though she really is. I liked the lullaby. Very sweet. I do like the ending, but I think we need a little hint at it.

It was strange, I blew the painting description so bad, no one picks up on it.
This was a present day tale with old ghosts.
It's a good idea to have her dressed the same as in the painting.
This piece required a kid, but the OWC didn't allow kids.
So I had wheelchair man "channel" the kid to put the family to rest.
It's a love letter to "The Fog" and "The Innocents", and also "The Changeling".
Deborah is a ghost protecting her son, I need to find a way to bring that across better.
Wheelchair man is a descendant that she sees as Miles.

Clearly, I bit off more than I could chew for a first time short.
Thanks for your insightful comments.

Best of luck with Tina and the gang!

Regards,
E.D.

So are you going to do a rewrite?

Now that the OWC is over, you can make it any length you'd like and do whatever you want with the script.  

Pretty good for the first script you ever wrote.
Cindy

Quoted from CindyLKeller So are you going to do a rewrite? Now that the OWC is over, you can make it any length you'd like and do whatever you want with the script.   Pretty good for the first script you ever wrote. Cindy

This is a post OWC draft, but I decided to adhere to the OWC rules for it.
I do have this one in the back of my mind marinating.
I'd like to revisit in time for a Halloween return.
The characters are deserving of a better story.
I've learned so much about the craft here on SS since I wrote this draft.
I'm a little apprehensive to reread it, fearing how cringe worthy it might feel.

Regards,
E.D.