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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  High Time - OWC
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  Author    High Time - OWC  (currently 4204 views)
grademan
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
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Mr. Blonde,

I liked this.

The thing I liked most was the one/two line dialogues and the short descriptions. It kept the story rolling along. Your intro was a good hook. Nothing I can think of that hasn't already been mentioned by others.

Gary
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Herman,

Cool. I'm glad you did. I try my best, but it doesn't seem like it should be written good. Diff'rent Strokes. right? Yeah, that's basically what I was going for. I'm not much for high-budget ridiculous amounts of explosions stuff. I like characters talking. Sometimes, it comes out better than others.

Here's the error, and the one thing I wish I could've expanded on the first time around. It's not zombies. Originally, I was going to do zombies, but I always do zombies. The bites actually turn the people homicidal against other people. Probably not as cool as zombies, but it has a much more guaranteed version of ending life on Earth.

To explain Megan, well, you'll just have to read the full version when it's available, won't you? I know. I'm a prick.

Thank you for reading and for the kind words. After Jeff's, yours is next on the pile. =)

Gary,

Well, thank you for liking and reading. On the descriptions, did it bother you that most lines start with a character's name? That's a habit I can't break and some people can't stand that and you're the first to mention it, so I'm just wondering. =)

Yours is after Herman's. More likely to be tomorrow night than tomorrow morning, but it'll be there. =)


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Coding Herman
Posted: October 23rd, 2010, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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Don't have to return the read for me. I didn't participate this time around


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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RayW
Posted: October 27th, 2010, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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1 - Story: Wow. Very powerful emotions in this. Certainly drama with some sci fi element to it.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily and on a low budget.
3 - Horror & Audience: Not horror, as is. More of a SciFi. Feature would likely receive an R rating for graphic violence. Huge audience for zombie/killer virus/world has turned against us material. Challenge criteria - eh... I've been employing The Pirate's Code for the last dozen OWCs. Why not one last time?!    This was a complete short story which is appreciated.
4 - Technicals & Format: Where the h3ll'd your page numbers go? Otherwise fine.
5 - Title & Logline: Title is too cryptic for me, and I'm usually pretty good at ferreting out something. However, I gather you're working on a larger piece, so maybe then it will be fine, if not subject to outright change. Logline has zero seductive qualities by telling us the setting.
General Comments:
A -
Aaron hopped outta the wheelchair, crawls to the front then lips off to Megan "Like I could move if I wanted to.".
Okay.
B - "Aaron sits, grabs a coffee table and rips the legs off." He's one tough as h3ll little kid.
C - The "this is our old house" bit really lays kinda flat.
Make James be much more familiar with it, as if maybe he was not much older than Aaron when they moved out.
In fact, you could have Aaron sitting at the front door, waiting on J & M when he looks up at the door jamb and sees James' birthday height markings for a few years. And of course he asks...
D - I look forward to your finished feature length screenplay draft.




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RayW  -  October 28th, 2010, 6:54am
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