There's a story here, but it takes waaaay too long to get to the punchline ending. I think this can be shortened to around 7 or 8 pages. The first three pages of chit-chat can be trimmed by a lot as they didn't move the story forward much.

Speaking of which, the dialogue is very very stiff and on-the-nose, almost to the point of comedic. I'm talking about conversation ping pong, like how one character asks a question, and the other answers, and this goes back and forth for a while.

Lots of exposition about Marylou Sterling through dialogue as well.

And the montage wasn't set in or around the abandoned house.

The ending was horrific, I'll give you that. But this can be a neat horror short if you can tighten up both the story and dialogue, and make the characters sound more human talking.


Herman

Well for one thing, a lot of the requirements for the OWC were not met at all. Another thing is that I didn't find any horror in this script. The whole thing was about seeking revenge. The story was interesting - I guess - but in my opinion, it didn't cut it for the OWC.

Shawn,

I like what you've done here. I nice little twist and a good story about revenge. Not really a stickler for the rules. The ones you broke were small. I can look passed them.

If I had any complaints it would be that this script was a bit talky. Victor wanting his wheelchair to get home instead of driving almost seemed comical, lest that's what you were trying to get across.

I agree with Jonnyboy that this lacked any tension. But, it didn't need it. Great job for an OWC. I wish I knew exactly what they were trying to do to Victors face at the end.  Seemed they wanted the medical book for some reason. A specific procedure??

Good effort.

James

1 - Story: A tale of Karma and ironic revenge. It's told fairly well. Nothing ground breaking.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily filmable on almost no budget.
3 - Horror & Audience: Eh... Ten pages to get to an implied horror suitable for broadcast TV, excluding the p!ssing on the jack o lantern part. Put a few of these together and you'll have a Halloween  special for next year. Pretty good. "Dark and Stormy Night" theme - check. Cast - check. DAte sans Halloween spoken - check. Horror -  Eh... Intense drama of a dark humor nature.
4 - Technicals & Format: Fine and dandy. Too many "-ing" words. The sentence per action line is kinda funny, but doesn't bother me at all. Decent dialog.
5 - Title & Logline: The title tells of the story just beyond the scope of the story. Logline needs something different with less of a "ABC... DEF... GHI" pace to it.
General Comments:
A - Ten pages of horror set up before the FADE OUT is being kinda mean, but I'll live.