Donor by Jon Barton (johnnyboy) - Short, Horror - A boy's best friend is his mother. - pdf, format

Tsk...there's a formatting error. Dialogue halfway down pg. 4 should be O.S. Or V.O., if you swing that way, but that debate rages on.

Rookie error aside, I hope you all enjoy. And if not - hey, this'll take three minutes, max.

Story was very usual. Nothing new.  Characters were stereotypical.  At six pages you have no excuse for not expanding things.  Good job but it needs work.

Just kidding.

Thought it was a bit reminiscent of Daddy’s Home but it was unique enough to be its own thing.  I liked the story and the characters and I think you could have expanded both without much of a problem.   I did think the monologues that the mother gives at the end could either be broken up or shortened.    They seemed a bit expositional but it would mostly depend on how the actor delivers them.

Good work.  

Written alright...  The big issue here with me is the long dialog chains.  Or dialogue chains, whichever spelling you prefer.  They also tell too much and make it seem a little unnatural.  I also didn't care for the lack of names.

Another thing I thought was a little meh was your use of the O.S. within action.  There are ways around this.  Long past are the days of David Trottier's teachings.  I'm not saying you can't get away with them in the right hands, but these coupled with your sloppy use of the SERIES OF SHOTS should be re-thunk.

I know, and I've said this many times, no one here knows how to properly format a Montage or "Series of Shots"  but allow me to show you -- Again.

MONTAGE.

"Insert Description here if needed"
          A)
          B)
          C)

END MONTAGE.

Not --

MONTAGE.

"insert description here if needed"
A)
B)
C)

END MONTAGE.

You do not justify the events to the left ledger as you would start a scene.  And no screenwriting software, other than MOVIE OUTLINE, does it for you.  It is something you have to go in and configure on the fly and reconvert back.   This being why most people here don't know how to pull one off properly.

--

Anyways, I dig some of the stuff you've done here.  I started rolling my eyes around the bound to happen torture stuff -- But luckily you spared us.  I'm so glad you did too.  I cannot stand torture flicks and other films of the exploitation ilk.  So for that I thank you.

Nice work JB.

SOME SPOILERS BELOW

I don't quite understand why your main character gave up quite so easily towards the end... I'd suggest maybe if you intend on developing this, to put your guy in a more drastic/convoluted situation than just a woman with an axe cornering him... I mean he's young and fit isn't he? Technically he could probably overpower her - unless I'm missing something?? Why didn't Mum have her instruments of torture all set to go? Obv. for the plot. But you get what I mean.

I also agree with Balt & McC that some of Mum's dialogue towards the concl. is a little laboured & could do with an edit. Having said that, this was a good solid entry, intelligently written, nice imagery esp. at the top, nice description of her 'revolting patchwork son'. Maybe a little derivative. but you hooked me and I def. wanted to read on.

JB,

I liked it. The unwilling donor story seems familiar but you did well with it at 6 pages. My suggestions ehco those above.

Gary

Jonny,

I liked a lot of this, especially the description of the maggot-infested corpse at the end. Maybe if he had two completely different arms, like one was much bigger than the other, or one was black, one was white, it would have really added to the "patchwork" image.

Definitely felt you stopped the story before it really ended.  As Phil mentioned, he should have fought back more at the end.  I was hoping for more of a twist,  suppose.  But, you did stick to OWC rules, which is more than I did. Good for a week's work.

Ryan

Jon,

Good work. I liked it. It had some good tension in it once the chase was on. Kept picturing kathy bates here. Was waiting for her to call him a Dirty Bird for running away.

My only gripe was that it ended too soon. Would've thought the man would fight back. She only had an axe. He had a chance. So, overall, good entry for the OWC.

james

Hi Jonny!  nice job here, pretty creepy stuff.

I agree with a couple of others that the dialogue of the woman at times was too long. It sort of stifled the flow of those tense scenes a bit.

But overall, i liked it and it fulfilled all the criteria well.

Cheers stevie

This was alright. Hardly anything here that hasn't been done before. I liked the image of the "son" at the end, especially as summed up in the phrase "gory buffet." It was funny, gross and slightly clever. I also think you set up the situation nicely. You knew you were in for some meat work of some kind.

That said, perhaps it was a little too short. I don't think making it longer would've helped but as of now, it feels like it was going through the motions.

The dialogue was very cliche. Typical victim lines. Typical "Hollywood insanity." The problem with characters like these is that they never really come off as insane because we've seen their type in the movies time and time again and understand their motives so in a way... they're normal to us. I also thought it was dumb for her to call out lines like "you have to help us" knowing this guy wasn't coming down.

I suppose it was a little more horror-oriented than the others and the only one I can recall that really took the gorier root. So kudos for that. Overall, there were elements I liked but for the most part, it felt pretty meh.

JB,

Liked the title. It'd look good in big letters on a poster.

Quoted from Donor A tempest rages.

Possibly the best start to an OWC script I've ever read.

"he immediately starts to fight" on end of p2 - proof that you can start to do something. Can't think of a better way it could be written.

I'd say the second use of 'start' could be improved though. And the third later.

Heavy on 'looks' for me.

Apart from those mere niggles it was fucking ace. Pages few by. Good story, true horror, echoes of classic movies. Fine work.

R xo

Jon,

Good on you for completing the OWC!
Straightforward story delivered with some style.
I like the Mother's Little Helpers angle, I wanted more of that.
The dialog towards the end felt very on the nose and drawn out.
Less exposition and more, "Do what mommy says is best.", kinda stuff.
The ending felt way premature. This guy came off as wimp and he folded. Meh.
I guess he wasn't all that attached to his legs. =p
Good read overall, thanks for the post!

Regards,
E.D.

I was a little disappointed at the end when the guy decided to give up instead of do something. I think he was fully capable of fighting her back. I also would consider removing the series of shots. I like to avoid those and montages the best that I can - but that's just me. Other than that, it kept me interested until the end and provided a good visual.

I think this is good. There is a story here, even though it's not too original. The characters have clear motivations and I can relate to them.

You should give The Man and The Woman a name. I know we never get to know their names through the dialogue, but it just looks and reads better with one.

I can't find any major faults here, except for the Woman's dialogue at the end, which came out as pure exposition. She didn't have to explain everything, spilling her guts out like that to her victim. You can trim some of it as we got it just from a few words. Her son in wheelchair has given us a lot of visual clues already.

Good job for one week's work.


Herman

Jon,

I liked the opening and the part with the woman's son, but the bulk of the middle came off as very routine.  The fact that she had to leave the room to get her saw was all too convenient and opened the story for a typical chase through the house before the final showdown.  When the "son" was introduced I thought this got back on the right track.  But why the hell didn't the man fight back at the end?  He fought earlier and he should have fought there.  

So overall it had some good moments and some not-great moments but it read fine and I liked it at the end of the day.  Good job.

Greg