Thanks to all of you for reading this. I think this has been a very civil, relaxed OWC that’s also thrown up some good scripts, so everyone give yourselves a round of applause! And to those who didn’t write a script but read anyway: good on you.

There are a couple of common responses to this script, and they’re ones I happen to agree with:

- The originality. Nope, this isn’t ground-breaking stuff.  I assumed most people would be going down the ‘haunted house’ route, so I thought if I went in any other direction I’d at least have done something slightly different. The image I had that persuaded me to write ths script was of the patchwork corpse at the end, but everything that leads up to it is definitely well-trodden ground. I definitely hold my hands up to that.

- Ending too soon: yes, The Man probably could have fought back. To be honest, though, I didn’t want to drag things out any longer. If I do give this a brief re-write (I probably will), then there’ll be a more fitting ending, I also promise I won’t bump exposition on the final page! I don’t think that dialogue is quite as awful as some of you are saying, but I also agree it’s clumsy and could really do with some major alteration.

And very quickly, I’ll pick up on some of your individual comments.

- Michael: ‘Daddy’s Home’? That’s one of Pia’s, isn’t it? Well, she’s something of a horror master ( / mistress), so if that came to mind I consider that a bonus. Yeah, an expansion would be a good way to go in a re-write, if I think the script is worth one. Thanks for reading.

- Balt: I was nervous you’d tear me a new one, but I actually think I got off okay here. Thanks for the tips on writing style / formatting; it’s important never to lose sight of the basics. Yeah, I’m not a huge fan of gory-torture in films, so I wasn’t going to go that way. You’re welcome for that, I suppose.

- Libby: thanks for taking a look! Haven’t seen you around here for a while. Haha, good point about having the instruments of torture in place (not torture, maybe just amateur surgery), although as you correctly point out it’s a pretty bald plot necessity. Originally she went to get some food from the truck, but I decided that was taking it too far. Thanks for the complimentary words, and the read.

- Gary: cheers, man. Glad you liked it.

- Ryan: good ideas about the corpse. I didn’t want to drag out the description for too long, just wanted to give you a sense of the thing, but I can see a couple of extra words I could sprinkle in there to heighten the effect. A twist? Hmmm...interesting. I’ll look into it. Maybe the thing could suddenly come to life, ala the man tied to the bed in Seven? That could work. Maybe.

- James: Thanks. I had Kathy Bates in mind too! When she says “I love you” after smashing in James Caan’s ankles...makes me shudder every time.

- Stevie: yeah, the dialogue needs a re-write. It’s supposed to be as she advances towards the man, but maybe it does disrupt the flow. Thanks for the read.

- James: the horror aficionado takes a look. Sorry this didn’t really do much for you, although glad you liked the image of the son. I think “slightly clever” is my favourite ever review comment, by the way. If this were a produced feature, I’d definitely have ‘“funny, gross and slightly clever” – James McClung’ on the poster. Again, apologies that it never really grabbed you, and thanks for taking a look.

- Ren: My OWC script back in February actually started with the exact sentence “It is a dark and stormy night” (so obviously I claim credit for this OWC’s theme), and I originally went with that again. But yeah, ‘tempest’ is a good word. Awesome compliment from you there, appreciate that. In fact, great remarks throughout. Always nice to have a satisfied reader, so cheers for that.

- E.D.: yeah, I think I agree with your opening comment. A solid story solidly told; I’ll settle for that, this time round. Maybe I will rewrite it, see what I could do with it. The rest of your comments I agree with, and you’re welcome for the read!

- free2write: the SERIES OF SHOTS was really just used to get about five minutes of action (in my mind, roughly the amount of time the woman’s out the room) boiled down into about twenty seconds. 1 page = 1 minute would mean it’d be five pages of him trying to get free in a ten page script! Obviously too much. But apparently I formatted it wrong anyway, so there you go. Thanks for the kind words at the end, and for the read.

- Herman: I actually disagree with you about the names. I often have a problem with names in shorts I read, particularly with the ‘shorter’ ones...they just seem completely arbitrary, and I find them distracting. Why exactly is that guy called Tom? Does anyone really care what he’s called? I reckoned since names were never going to come into dialogue, and you’re never going to be looking at the screen thinking ‘I wonder what his name is?’, I’d just go with THE MAN and THE WOMAN. I admit this could be a problem in an iScript! Although, let’s be honest, it’s not going to be picked, is it? Originally she was THE MOTHER, but I thought that might betray the final image. Thanks for the read.

- Greg: my thoughts exactly. The beginning and end are my favourite parts. The son in the wheelchair is the best part of this by far, and that shows. It’s a good visual, but the rest is a little ‘routine’, if you like. With a re-write I can put the limitations of the challenge aside, and hopefully it’d be slightly less ‘going through the motions’, to quote James. Anyway, thanks for the read.

That’s that. Again, thanks for everyone for taking the time to read and comment. For those of you who have OWC scripts posted, I’ll get cracking on returning reads now. For those of you who don’t, PM me if you have a short you want reviewing, or else just please accept my gratitude! Well done again for all those who took part in a very enjoyable OWC.

EDIT: There's one gaping plot oversight here that I noticed, and groaned at, as soon as the script was posted. Nobody's picked up on it, so I might as well confess it myself. The Woman goes out to the truck to get her saw, which allows the Man to get free. Then she grabs an axe from the shelf and gives chase. But if the axe was there all along, why didn't she just use that to chop his legs off in the first place? Maybe it's not a big deal, but it stuck out to me. I am, be honest, ashamed.

Quoted from JonnyBoy EDIT: There's one gaping plot oversight here that I noticed, and groaned at, as soon as the script was posted. Nobody's picked up on it, so I might as well confess it myself. The Woman goes out to the truck to get her saw, which allows the Man to get free. Then she grabs an axe from the shelf and gives chase. But if the axe was there all along, why didn't she just use that to chop his legs off in the first place? Maybe it's not a big deal, but it stuck out to me. I am, be honest, ashamed.

Didn't bother me. Thought she wanted the saw to make a nice, clean cut. The ax, well that was just gonna get plain messy.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Didn't bother me. Thought she wanted the saw to make a nice, clean cut. The ax, well that was just gonna get plain messy. James

Didn't bother me either. I saw it, as I'm like that. A coupla tricks, that aren't in the script but are in the film, would cover. The reason JB, that you didn't get pulled, is cos the rest make it unimportant. Your script was almost as good as mine. And from my fingertips, that is high praise indeed.

Fear kept him nailed to the spot. If he left he may get done. Believe it. I did. Any actor worth his salt would too.

R os

I enjoyed this but it feels more like a set up, feels like the ending is missing.
Probably just me?

Also it's a set-up heavy - six pages for a woman to chase the man. I'd enjoy it
more if you named them all. Even the son could have a name (not insisting
on this one though)

The third character a dummy - that's great, I think. I really liked it, just thinking
you could add to it.

KH, imagine if it was a film. Six  minutes or so. They could probably do it quicker, but it takes six pages of text to set it up.

It is a set up. That's what film usually consists of. I'll defend this script as I think it's almost better than mine. Almost.

It is heavy. But then again, it's a heavy story. I think it works better as it is. Your idea to name them wouldn't help. Again imagine it's on film.

I may come across as a drunk arsehole. That would be becuase I am. I can't even type right. But this script is unmistakeably good. And it's not even mine.

You can add to any script. It's making sure you keep it good is the trouble. As me and My Sandwich and Altruism know only too well...

R xo

Jonny

Decent job here. I loved the Frankenstein creation upstairs, sick stuff.

I wondered why he capitulated so readily also and the dialogue was a bit hammy but I thought it suited the tone and setting of the cat and mouse situation at hand.

Superbly well written throughout, very crisp.

I know I'm gonna come off sounding like a know-it-all but I was scratching my head about the contrivance of getting the woman out of the way to fetch the saw when there was an axe already there and waiting for her. However, James's reply about the woman wanting a clean cut instead of a blunt chomp was my reasoning also behind your decision to play things out the way you did and I think that's good enough, it still works.

Well done.

Col.

1 - Story: Intense, but not very interesting.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily. Pretty inexpensive shoot
3 - Horror & Audience: Classic madman/woman horror. Headed down this road, a likely R rating. This was more of a sequence than a story. No date reference.
4 - Technicals & Format: Fine & fine.
5 - Title & Logline: Title reflects the presumed short-lived protagonist but we don't learn much of him. Suggest a title about the situation, instead. Logline submitted is more of a movie poster tagline and should be about the story
General Comments:
A - This would make a fine proof of concept short. It's inexpensive enough that barring actors, it would be good to practice some of your own camera work and editing on.