Donor by Jon Barton (johnnyboy) - Short, Horror - A boy's best friend is his mother. - pdf, format

Tsk...there's a formatting error. Dialogue halfway down pg. 4 should be O.S. Or V.O., if you swing that way, but that debate rages on.

Rookie error aside, I hope you all enjoy. And if not - hey, this'll take three minutes, max.

Story was very usual. Nothing new.  Characters were stereotypical.  At six pages you have no excuse for not expanding things.  Good job but it needs work.

Just kidding.

Thought it was a bit reminiscent of Daddy’s Home but it was unique enough to be its own thing.  I liked the story and the characters and I think you could have expanded both without much of a problem.   I did think the monologues that the mother gives at the end could either be broken up or shortened.    They seemed a bit expositional but it would mostly depend on how the actor delivers them.

Good work.  

Written alright...  The big issue here with me is the long dialog chains.  Or dialogue chains, whichever spelling you prefer.  They also tell too much and make it seem a little unnatural.  I also didn't care for the lack of names.

Another thing I thought was a little meh was your use of the O.S. within action.  There are ways around this.  Long past are the days of David Trottier's teachings.  I'm not saying you can't get away with them in the right hands, but these coupled with your sloppy use of the SERIES OF SHOTS should be re-thunk.

I know, and I've said this many times, no one here knows how to properly format a Montage or "Series of Shots"  but allow me to show you -- Again.

MONTAGE.

"Insert Description here if needed"
          A)
          B)
          C)

END MONTAGE.

Not --

MONTAGE.

"insert description here if needed"
A)
B)
C)

END MONTAGE.

You do not justify the events to the left ledger as you would start a scene.  And no screenwriting software, other than MOVIE OUTLINE, does it for you.  It is something you have to go in and configure on the fly and reconvert back.   This being why most people here don't know how to pull one off properly.

--

Anyways, I dig some of the stuff you've done here.  I started rolling my eyes around the bound to happen torture stuff -- But luckily you spared us.  I'm so glad you did too.  I cannot stand torture flicks and other films of the exploitation ilk.  So for that I thank you.

Nice work JB.

SOME SPOILERS BELOW

I don't quite understand why your main character gave up quite so easily towards the end... I'd suggest maybe if you intend on developing this, to put your guy in a more drastic/convoluted situation than just a woman with an axe cornering him... I mean he's young and fit isn't he? Technically he could probably overpower her - unless I'm missing something?? Why didn't Mum have her instruments of torture all set to go? Obv. for the plot. But you get what I mean.

I also agree with Balt & McC that some of Mum's dialogue towards the concl. is a little laboured & could do with an edit. Having said that, this was a good solid entry, intelligently written, nice imagery esp. at the top, nice description of her 'revolting patchwork son'. Maybe a little derivative. but you hooked me and I def. wanted to read on.

JB,

I liked it. The unwilling donor story seems familiar but you did well with it at 6 pages. My suggestions ehco those above.

Gary

Jonny,

I liked a lot of this, especially the description of the maggot-infested corpse at the end. Maybe if he had two completely different arms, like one was much bigger than the other, or one was black, one was white, it would have really added to the "patchwork" image.

Definitely felt you stopped the story before it really ended.  As Phil mentioned, he should have fought back more at the end.  I was hoping for more of a twist,  suppose.  But, you did stick to OWC rules, which is more than I did. Good for a week's work.

Ryan

Jon,

Good work. I liked it. It had some good tension in it once the chase was on. Kept picturing kathy bates here. Was waiting for her to call him a Dirty Bird for running away.

My only gripe was that it ended too soon. Would've thought the man would fight back. She only had an axe. He had a chance. So, overall, good entry for the OWC.

james

Hi Jonny!  nice job here, pretty creepy stuff.

I agree with a couple of others that the dialogue of the woman at times was too long. It sort of stifled the flow of those tense scenes a bit.

But overall, i liked it and it fulfilled all the criteria well.

Cheers stevie

This was alright. Hardly anything here that hasn't been done before. I liked the image of the "son" at the end, especially as summed up in the phrase "gory buffet." It was funny, gross and slightly clever. I also think you set up the situation nicely. You knew you were in for some meat work of some kind.

That said, perhaps it was a little too short. I don't think making it longer would've helped but as of now, it feels like it was going through the motions.

The dialogue was very cliche. Typical victim lines. Typical "Hollywood insanity." The problem with characters like these is that they never really come off as insane because we've seen their type in the movies time and time again and understand their motives so in a way... they're normal to us. I also thought it was dumb for her to call out lines like "you have to help us" knowing this guy wasn't coming down.

I suppose it was a little more horror-oriented than the others and the only one I can recall that really took the gorier root. So kudos for that. Overall, there were elements I liked but for the most part, it felt pretty meh.

JB,

Liked the title. It'd look good in big letters on a poster.

Quoted from Donor A tempest rages.

Possibly the best start to an OWC script I've ever read.

"he immediately starts to fight" on end of p2 - proof that you can start to do something. Can't think of a better way it could be written.

I'd say the second use of 'start' could be improved though. And the third later.

Heavy on 'looks' for me.

Apart from those mere niggles it was fucking ace. Pages few by. Good story, true horror, echoes of classic movies. Fine work.

R xo

Jon,

Good on you for completing the OWC!
Straightforward story delivered with some style.
I like the Mother's Little Helpers angle, I wanted more of that.
The dialog towards the end felt very on the nose and drawn out.
Less exposition and more, "Do what mommy says is best.", kinda stuff.
The ending felt way premature. This guy came off as wimp and he folded. Meh.
I guess he wasn't all that attached to his legs. =p
Good read overall, thanks for the post!

Regards,
E.D.

I was a little disappointed at the end when the guy decided to give up instead of do something. I think he was fully capable of fighting her back. I also would consider removing the series of shots. I like to avoid those and montages the best that I can - but that's just me. Other than that, it kept me interested until the end and provided a good visual.

I think this is good. There is a story here, even though it's not too original. The characters have clear motivations and I can relate to them.

You should give The Man and The Woman a name. I know we never get to know their names through the dialogue, but it just looks and reads better with one.

I can't find any major faults here, except for the Woman's dialogue at the end, which came out as pure exposition. She didn't have to explain everything, spilling her guts out like that to her victim. You can trim some of it as we got it just from a few words. Her son in wheelchair has given us a lot of visual clues already.

Good job for one week's work.


Herman

Jon,

I liked the opening and the part with the woman's son, but the bulk of the middle came off as very routine.  The fact that she had to leave the room to get her saw was all too convenient and opened the story for a typical chase through the house before the final showdown.  When the "son" was introduced I thought this got back on the right track.  But why the hell didn't the man fight back at the end?  He fought earlier and he should have fought there.  

So overall it had some good moments and some not-great moments but it read fine and I liked it at the end of the day.  Good job.

Greg

Thanks to all of you for reading this. I think this has been a very civil, relaxed OWC that’s also thrown up some good scripts, so everyone give yourselves a round of applause! And to those who didn’t write a script but read anyway: good on you.

There are a couple of common responses to this script, and they’re ones I happen to agree with:

- The originality. Nope, this isn’t ground-breaking stuff.  I assumed most people would be going down the ‘haunted house’ route, so I thought if I went in any other direction I’d at least have done something slightly different. The image I had that persuaded me to write ths script was of the patchwork corpse at the end, but everything that leads up to it is definitely well-trodden ground. I definitely hold my hands up to that.

- Ending too soon: yes, The Man probably could have fought back. To be honest, though, I didn’t want to drag things out any longer. If I do give this a brief re-write (I probably will), then there’ll be a more fitting ending, I also promise I won’t bump exposition on the final page! I don’t think that dialogue is quite as awful as some of you are saying, but I also agree it’s clumsy and could really do with some major alteration.

And very quickly, I’ll pick up on some of your individual comments.

- Michael: ‘Daddy’s Home’? That’s one of Pia’s, isn’t it? Well, she’s something of a horror master ( / mistress), so if that came to mind I consider that a bonus. Yeah, an expansion would be a good way to go in a re-write, if I think the script is worth one. Thanks for reading.

- Balt: I was nervous you’d tear me a new one, but I actually think I got off okay here. Thanks for the tips on writing style / formatting; it’s important never to lose sight of the basics. Yeah, I’m not a huge fan of gory-torture in films, so I wasn’t going to go that way. You’re welcome for that, I suppose.

- Libby: thanks for taking a look! Haven’t seen you around here for a while. Haha, good point about having the instruments of torture in place (not torture, maybe just amateur surgery), although as you correctly point out it’s a pretty bald plot necessity. Originally she went to get some food from the truck, but I decided that was taking it too far. Thanks for the complimentary words, and the read.

- Gary: cheers, man. Glad you liked it.

- Ryan: good ideas about the corpse. I didn’t want to drag out the description for too long, just wanted to give you a sense of the thing, but I can see a couple of extra words I could sprinkle in there to heighten the effect. A twist? Hmmm...interesting. I’ll look into it. Maybe the thing could suddenly come to life, ala the man tied to the bed in Seven? That could work. Maybe.

- James: Thanks. I had Kathy Bates in mind too! When she says “I love you” after smashing in James Caan’s ankles...makes me shudder every time.

- Stevie: yeah, the dialogue needs a re-write. It’s supposed to be as she advances towards the man, but maybe it does disrupt the flow. Thanks for the read.

- James: the horror aficionado takes a look. Sorry this didn’t really do much for you, although glad you liked the image of the son. I think “slightly clever” is my favourite ever review comment, by the way. If this were a produced feature, I’d definitely have ‘“funny, gross and slightly clever” – James McClung’ on the poster. Again, apologies that it never really grabbed you, and thanks for taking a look.

- Ren: My OWC script back in February actually started with the exact sentence “It is a dark and stormy night” (so obviously I claim credit for this OWC’s theme), and I originally went with that again. But yeah, ‘tempest’ is a good word. Awesome compliment from you there, appreciate that. In fact, great remarks throughout. Always nice to have a satisfied reader, so cheers for that.

- E.D.: yeah, I think I agree with your opening comment. A solid story solidly told; I’ll settle for that, this time round. Maybe I will rewrite it, see what I could do with it. The rest of your comments I agree with, and you’re welcome for the read!

- free2write: the SERIES OF SHOTS was really just used to get about five minutes of action (in my mind, roughly the amount of time the woman’s out the room) boiled down into about twenty seconds. 1 page = 1 minute would mean it’d be five pages of him trying to get free in a ten page script! Obviously too much. But apparently I formatted it wrong anyway, so there you go. Thanks for the kind words at the end, and for the read.

- Herman: I actually disagree with you about the names. I often have a problem with names in shorts I read, particularly with the ‘shorter’ ones...they just seem completely arbitrary, and I find them distracting. Why exactly is that guy called Tom? Does anyone really care what he’s called? I reckoned since names were never going to come into dialogue, and you’re never going to be looking at the screen thinking ‘I wonder what his name is?’, I’d just go with THE MAN and THE WOMAN. I admit this could be a problem in an iScript! Although, let’s be honest, it’s not going to be picked, is it? Originally she was THE MOTHER, but I thought that might betray the final image. Thanks for the read.

- Greg: my thoughts exactly. The beginning and end are my favourite parts. The son in the wheelchair is the best part of this by far, and that shows. It’s a good visual, but the rest is a little ‘routine’, if you like. With a re-write I can put the limitations of the challenge aside, and hopefully it’d be slightly less ‘going through the motions’, to quote James. Anyway, thanks for the read.

That’s that. Again, thanks for everyone for taking the time to read and comment. For those of you who have OWC scripts posted, I’ll get cracking on returning reads now. For those of you who don’t, PM me if you have a short you want reviewing, or else just please accept my gratitude! Well done again for all those who took part in a very enjoyable OWC.

EDIT: There's one gaping plot oversight here that I noticed, and groaned at, as soon as the script was posted. Nobody's picked up on it, so I might as well confess it myself. The Woman goes out to the truck to get her saw, which allows the Man to get free. Then she grabs an axe from the shelf and gives chase. But if the axe was there all along, why didn't she just use that to chop his legs off in the first place? Maybe it's not a big deal, but it stuck out to me. I am, be honest, ashamed.

Quoted from JonnyBoy EDIT: There's one gaping plot oversight here that I noticed, and groaned at, as soon as the script was posted. Nobody's picked up on it, so I might as well confess it myself. The Woman goes out to the truck to get her saw, which allows the Man to get free. Then she grabs an axe from the shelf and gives chase. But if the axe was there all along, why didn't she just use that to chop his legs off in the first place? Maybe it's not a big deal, but it stuck out to me. I am, be honest, ashamed.

Didn't bother me. Thought she wanted the saw to make a nice, clean cut. The ax, well that was just gonna get plain messy.

James

Quoted from jwent6688 Didn't bother me. Thought she wanted the saw to make a nice, clean cut. The ax, well that was just gonna get plain messy. James

Didn't bother me either. I saw it, as I'm like that. A coupla tricks, that aren't in the script but are in the film, would cover. The reason JB, that you didn't get pulled, is cos the rest make it unimportant. Your script was almost as good as mine. And from my fingertips, that is high praise indeed.

Fear kept him nailed to the spot. If he left he may get done. Believe it. I did. Any actor worth his salt would too.

R os

I enjoyed this but it feels more like a set up, feels like the ending is missing.
Probably just me?

Also it's a set-up heavy - six pages for a woman to chase the man. I'd enjoy it
more if you named them all. Even the son could have a name (not insisting
on this one though)

The third character a dummy - that's great, I think. I really liked it, just thinking
you could add to it.

KH, imagine if it was a film. Six  minutes or so. They could probably do it quicker, but it takes six pages of text to set it up.

It is a set up. That's what film usually consists of. I'll defend this script as I think it's almost better than mine. Almost.

It is heavy. But then again, it's a heavy story. I think it works better as it is. Your idea to name them wouldn't help. Again imagine it's on film.

I may come across as a drunk arsehole. That would be becuase I am. I can't even type right. But this script is unmistakeably good. And it's not even mine.

You can add to any script. It's making sure you keep it good is the trouble. As me and My Sandwich and Altruism know only too well...

R xo

Jonny

Decent job here. I loved the Frankenstein creation upstairs, sick stuff.

I wondered why he capitulated so readily also and the dialogue was a bit hammy but I thought it suited the tone and setting of the cat and mouse situation at hand.

Superbly well written throughout, very crisp.

I know I'm gonna come off sounding like a know-it-all but I was scratching my head about the contrivance of getting the woman out of the way to fetch the saw when there was an axe already there and waiting for her. However, James's reply about the woman wanting a clean cut instead of a blunt chomp was my reasoning also behind your decision to play things out the way you did and I think that's good enough, it still works.

Well done.

Col.

1 - Story: Intense, but not very interesting.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easily. Pretty inexpensive shoot
3 - Horror & Audience: Classic madman/woman horror. Headed down this road, a likely R rating. This was more of a sequence than a story. No date reference.
4 - Technicals & Format: Fine & fine.
5 - Title & Logline: Title reflects the presumed short-lived protagonist but we don't learn much of him. Suggest a title about the situation, instead. Logline submitted is more of a movie poster tagline and should be about the story
General Comments:
A - This would make a fine proof of concept short. It's inexpensive enough that barring actors, it would be good to practice some of your own camera work and editing on.