Howdy, Guys!
Thank you for your bravery at taking a second crack at this.
Goodness, gracious.
Seems I made some progress.
Malc - The way Liz's dialogue was written came across a bit awkwardShould I have just written her dialog as plain talk and assume/hope the director and actors would have the sense to deliver it appropriately? As a ghost would?
On page 3, "the man snaps his head back to George" why not just put Ed instead of the man?Typo/oversight on my behalf. Same as for a few of the all capped sounds and exclamations I failed to remedy. That's all.
I can see how it might be difficult to name a character that you can't see and that doesn't speak. I think the rattles and moans work to a point. Although when George threatens to throw Ben into the portal/mirror this makes me rethink who or what Ben is.You're not the only one identifying my failure in this regard, but for the life in me I can't see what's so difficult to understand that there is a guy (ghoul in this case, but that's not relevant) in the house that we can hear but cannot see and we meet him later.
To me it's simple.
But I've managed to confuse everyone that has brought it up.
I dunno, but it ain't good.
There is a new scene heading here and the first line is "He rattles the front door handle." Although I know it is George from the next line, I understand you should always name the character in this situation.INT. COFFIN - NIGHT
George’s eyes flash open, he leaps up then vanishes.
INT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
He rattles the front door handle.
GEORGE
May I enter?Not only did I follow "he" with George's name but I had immediately preceded it with his name and had started the story with a precedent of George needing to secure permission to enter the house.
The problem remains that if what I or we write isn't crystal clear to... 80% of the readers then we've buggered something, as I have here.
I'll figure out something shy of two talking heads in a box.
It says the front door but if he's already inside then why is he asking to enter? I think the heading should have been EXT. FARMHOUSE?Ah! Gotcha. Nope. I did it right. It's a half-glass door. Camera/audience is inside looking out through the door's glass at George on the outside jiggling the handle to get in.
Think:
... with a glass door.
Thank you, Malc.
James - I am both impressed and pleased you remember those conversations from this summer when I first started out here.
It's simultaneously too detailed and too sparse.My GOD! That's what's killing me.
It's not even a catch-22.
It's oxymoronic - and it keeps coming up with consistent frequency!
It's fantastically frustrating to me.
No one has verbalized/penned a sensible solution.
I dunno.
First off, you have a vampire script without any blood drinking. Without any vampirism, really. Fail. I mean... dude!LOL! Yeah yeah yeah. Vampires suck blood.
Big whoop-tee-effin-doo.
I plead nolo.
While everyone else fawns over the sensationalism aspects of anything I consider the mundane practical stuff.
Humans have interracial relationships.
Why can't vampires?
Would they endure prejudice as well as some humans do?
Probably.
You can't really pick who you're going to fall in love with or even if it's a sensible arrangement to others.
Maybe Elizabeth wasn't always a ghost?
Maybe she used to be plain old human when George fell in love with her before some freaky thing happened to her?
Maybe George is responsible for her mortal death and feels guilt?
Maybe he fell in love with her as a ghost?
Who knows, who cares, doesn't matter, people are freaks. Why not Vampires and ghosts?
Not a fail.
I thought the absolute disregard for human life would be horrifying. Humans are just... commodities, like the food that we are.
But for the most part, they felt watered down and slightly hokey, like you weren't into it at all. Just wishy-washy.Yeah, I don't like plotting and planning how to kill and torture people.
It's uncomfortably easy for me, so I kinda bunted on this with the
Nightmare Before Christmas approach.
Liz's dialogue was particularly silly. They way you wrote it, I could here it in my head. And it sounded quite campy.Hey, now! The poor girl has a speech disability.
You can't go running around telling Stephen Hawking he sounds silly and campy.
Didn't know what was going on a great deal of the time and everything was just said in such a cryptic and hokey way.I generally demand the audience fill in a lot of gaps.
Sometimes I'll spoon feed 'em, but usually I expect them to bring a lot to the table.
My scripts will or may suffer for that.
Ed is a useless prop, for the most part. Serves very little purpose.Nah! George and Liz have already discussed that the house is being torn down soon.
Ghosts can't just float across the field and down the road.
They must inhabit a home or person - or semi-person, in Ben's case. Ha!
So, George, being the good boyfriend that he is, brought a person to his girl's place to move her @ss outta there.
He even picked out another place. One with a pretty view of the forest.
What a nice guy.
Ed... ? Ed's dead.
Ed's meat on a stick.
Ed's a tool.
Ed's a very important tool because he allows the parameters of Liz's limitations and capabilities to be established.
Not to mention a way to introduce Ben which in turn gets George back out of the house forcing him to find something that Liz wants: A baby.
Ghosts have wants, too.
Liz wants a baby.
That's why children make her sad. Sure, it's a furious temper tantrum sad, but still...
She wants one, too.
Sorry, man. Didn't care for it.Fair enough. No harm. No foul.
When I review the 2009 best/worst movies I smile at the contradictions.
Thank you, James.
Catherine - How are you? Don't get to read you as much as I'd like.
I like your wonky approaches to stories.
The new version is much better, the story isn't lost under the language.Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I really am listening and trying.
I suggest you remove the traces of "modern" language from his dialogue, although it's kind of amusing to hear him call Liz "honey" when she's just a howling force, somehow I think something more 19th century like "my own true love" or some such would be more in keeping with character. Yep. Funny you bring this up.
I had considered doing just that, but figured that as centuries change and languages change that a person or vampire's dialect would also change. So... there's that.
Thinking along the same lines. And that should be scary to you.
The way I read George, he has dark powers but he keeps them under control, pretty much -- implication being that he has great strength of will; the little bursts of anger and impatience he shows have to be played with a lot of restraint.BINGO!
You are the only other reviewer that has expressed such an accurate comprehension of the character as I intended.
(I don't know what that says about you, but I'm okay with it. HA!)
I will investigate "
The Tempest" with all the enthusiasm you should expect of me.
Don't smirk too much should you see future references and allusions to it.
Thank you, Catherine.
Jeff - Names, names, names.
Names are funny things, are they not?
Generally arbitrary, interchangeable at will or upon whim, yet they carry such import to varying degrees of intrinsic value.
Well... you should have known that I'd already done my homework on age appropriate given names.
http://www.guildofstmichael.org/names.htmlElizabeth - number effing one, and not overdone on pop culture. Gimme five!
George - not too far down the list and ahead of that [uncharitable remark], burnt-out
Edddddwerrrrrd. Simply didn't care for those prior to it. Made me think of George Washington.
Ben - Well, since I had done picked George (Washington) not too surprisingly I thought of Benjamin Franklin. Born 1706. Three centuries old, Good enough for me.
Hope that makes sense.H3ll, yeah it makes sense.
I flag writers down all the time for picking goofy names that just stick in my eye like a splinter.
Bummer that's what stuck in yours, but honestly, I do appreciate you rolling that aspect around in the back of your mind and thought to lump it out here.
That was very nice of you.
Thank you, Jeff.
Well... Seems I have made some progress.
Seems I still have more to make.
I done got this far, so...
See you guys around!