Condemned by Ray W - Short, Horror - A vampire does what he can to take care of his eternal family. - pdf, format

I started to like this,  (Dead crow opening is neat; characters) BUt in spite of all the RATTLES and MOANS. I get it; Ben makes a lot of noise. (It brings us character #4 in the OWC) But I did warm up to some of the snappy dialog. It appears to be intentionally humorous. I'm rolling with it. But those CREAKS and CRACKS start getting in the way again, and then this:

Quoted Text Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames

I understand where you were trying to say visually. But the repeating of this irritates me. I think once is enough, or at least find different words, break out the handy thesaurus. While capping sounds is optional and still sometimes in use, you could also find different words.

I'm still getting used to bolded headers, I know it's a nice little fad nowadays, and it can be helpful. But I simply don't think it's quite acceptable just yet.

The dark humor pulls me in, the CRACKS take me out.
Overall though, not bad.

-DjS

As I read more of these OWC's I'm realizing alot of it (for me) is just about my own personal taste.  I just want a good story.   Either I like it or I don't.   Sorry, Ray, but this one didn't do anything for me.  Congrats on completing an entry, though.

You might wanna work on toning down your descriptions.   They're a bit flowery.

To be quite honest, I didn't really like this.   Maybe if I had paid more attention to the story I would have appreciated it like Darren did.  

However, there were so many distractions and I am not reading it again.

Here's my notes:

One man stands on the porch steps while another thrashes in
the wheelchair he holds in his hands.

These people should be introed by this point thereby making this sentence useless and confusing.

YELLS
you really don't need to cap actions.  Cap sounds but only if offscreen or otherwise important for some reason.

the chair RACKS

Do you mean rocks?  and why is it capped?

Bolded characters. Tsk.

Way too many things capped here.  It's annoying and it keeps taking me out of the story.

I hope there's going to be a reason that bird got hit by lightning.  That would be expensive so there better be a reason for it.

You don't really need to use the name Liz so many times in dialogue.  One trick is to use it once then just say - he calls out to Liz - in the action.

Who is Ben?

WAY TOO MANY CAPS!

Who is Ben?  

By the man in the wheelchair, you mean Ed, right?  Ed isn't Ben because Ben is in chains somewhere in the house - we just haven't properly been introduced, right?

You should have saved yourself time and turned on caps lock - just do the whole thing in CAPS, that's right.

George’s eyes flash open, the lid BURSTS open.

One or the other or is this the gory part and his eyeballs have burst?

He rubs the door handle as if starting a fire. No color.

Hunh?

vituperations

Wow! Huge word.  Do you think you're audience will know it or do you think they'll have to google it?  Do you want them to have to google it?

Ah, finally we are introduced to Ben.  

Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames
Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames
Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames
Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames
Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames
Moments later a CRACK of lightning flash freeze-frames

Uh, no.  Find a different way to do this part.

Wind resumes it’s HOWL. Flash and CRACK! Pitter-patter
becomes a steady rain. The HOWL of wind spins tree tops in
wild gyrations.

How many times in the same action block do you need to tell us there's wind or that it howls.  Once I would think - if that.

And just as I thought, no reason for the bird.

Thank you for the reads and remarks, guys.

DJS -
With the intent of this being an audio-oriented story a LOT of sounds were emphasized.
I was working under the understanding that sounds were SUPPOSED to be capped. I see that is subjectively incorrect. I'll retain that going forward.
Yeah, I saw a few weeks back the online screenplay for CASINO published with both bold slugs and characters and standard slugs and characters - I prefer the former.
Personal taste it looks like.
Learning how to adhere to the criteria given is fun.
4th character - yes, but no more than two ambulatory characters in a scene. Cast male actor as both George and Ben for close-ups then the female as Ben for the front yard, lightning flash sequence. Director will need to pick body sizes for male & female near enough for this to work.

Mike -
Understood and feel the same about personal tastes.
Will you please cite a flowery line or two for me to get a handle on that? Thank you.
I get beaned for being sparse and beaned for being overly descriptive. It's a reoccurring issue for me I'm interested in resolving.

Michael -
So... you think I should work in all caps? Okay.
Bird's to establish the dark humor feel of the story.
Rack a wooden or metal chair, let me know if you hear something.
I expect the audience to be ignorant, not the readers. Vituperations isn't a big word. It's silly with a purpose*.
The lightning sequence - Yeah... that was for a director, not a reader. My bad.
"How many times in the same action block do you need to tell us there's wind or that it howls.  Once I would think - if that." could be tightened to "Delete the first sentence".


* Once upon gentler times clock and watch makers would etch beautiful artwork and inset tiny jewels on their tiny clockwork parts for the pure benefit of the next watchmaker who would open his work up. It was a gift. A tradesman treasure. Carpenters for both houses and furniture would also do the same.  
I acknowledge perhaps the effort is wasted in this trade. My apologies for offending you.

Thank you again for the reads.

EDIT: Hey, Michael -
After reading half of these screenplays I've finally figured out not only what you meant about employing "vertical writing" and why I'm often going to have difficulty with it.
Vertical writing works best with dialog heavy/action light scenes.
Action heavy/dialog light scenes are going to read "visually dense", which is understandably blocky and hard to burn through an entire script of.
Much of my writing will be activity oriented and very little slow-burn characters milling about yakking.
Looks like I've got a tough row to hoe until I change my wicked ways.
Just thought I'd let you know I was thinking of you.
Cheers!

Ray, congrats on completing an OWC script.

Sorry, bud, but this has got to be one of the most irritating scripts I've ever come across.  The 10 pages drag on like literally 25.  Seriously, on more than 1 occasion, I glanced at the page number I was on, assuming I had to be on page 10, only to find I wasn't.

OK, listen, there are obviously many things wrong here, but in a nutshell, let me tell you what's working against you the most...

You're writing loads and loads of prose, but saying very little.  It's almost as if you're trying to write in some grand way, but it's coming across as extremely tough and irritating, and there is very little getting through.

The amount of repetition on display here is staggering.  Again, lots of words, very little getting across.

I'm sure this will fall on deaf ears, but your lack of commas, make this a tougher read than it needs to be.  Obviously, many times, the use or lack of use of commas, doesn't make a big deal...it doesn't affect the integrity of the sentence.  But other times, it does.  And there are a shitload of examples in here where I had to literally stop and reread the sentence to understand what it was you were trying to say, based on a lack of punctuation.

You chose to not intro Liz or Ben until very late in the script, which makes no sense to me.

You seemed to have too many characters - I read your post about having actors play dual roles, etc even having men play women and vice verse, but this is just foolish, and I can't imagine it's what Don was after when he continually said we have 3 actors at our disposal.

WTF is going on with page 7?  WOW!  Unreal.

Hopefully you understand what I'm saying here, as I'm trying to help you.  Tone it down 10 notches.  Write with clarity.  Don't try to impress with big fancy words and sentences that don't reveal anything.  Get your point across so that it's a quick, efficient read.

Good luck.

Ray, I can't say I liked this either. I agree heavily over written. Way too repetetive. How many crashes of thunder and lightning do we need from the writer?? One or two. The rest would be up to the director. We get it. It's a nasty storm outside.

I don't get detailed into OWC scripts. So I'm not going back through this line by line to give examples. IT's something, I hope you can grasp from reading some of the other scripts here.

Story: The entire scene of Ben running into the woods to get himself a snack should be cut IMO. Take those pages to build onto why George is so dedicated and infatuated by Liz. I, as a reader, couldn't fathom why. She's a talks like she's on drugs.

I did like that he had to ask permision to come in, but, if he's a vampire I thought you only had to asked once. From the rightful homeowner. Aslo, seemed like Ben had to ask also. Wtf is Ben??? He added nothing to the story.

I got you were going for dark horror/comedy here. It just didn't work for me. For over ten pages, I learned nothing of you characters. Who they are, where they're from, who made them. Just one of those would've been nice.

And you could have fit that in had you cut down on your prose.

So, Good job completing a script in a week. You did adhere to all of the rules, and I'm sure your script suffered as everyone else's did. Cheers, Always...

James

Quoted from RayW Rack a wooden or metal chair, let me know if you hear something.

Which definition of rack did you mean?

# single-foot: go at a rack; "the horses single-footed"
# stretch to the limits; "rack one's brains"
# put on a rack and pinion; "rack a camera"
# extort: obtain by coercion or intimidation; "They extorted money from the executive by threatening to reveal his past to the company boss"; "They squeezed money from the owner of the business by threatening him"
# scud: run before a gale
# framework for holding objects
# fly in high wind
# rib section of a forequarter of veal or pork or especially lamb or mutton
# draw off from the lees; "rack wine"
# wrack: the destruction or collapse of something; "wrack and ruin"
# torment: torment emotionally or mentally
# an instrument of torture that stretches or disjoints or mutilates victims
# a support for displaying various articles; "the newspapers were arranged on a rack"
# seize together, as of parallel ropes of a tackle in order to prevent running through the block
# a form of torture in which pain is inflicted by stretching the body

or did you mean wrack?

R,

I read about occluded clouds before. I got them. Boiling ones? I think I get the idea, only just though.

I think the title and logline aren't quite a draw in. Actually the title's better than the logline. Might look good on a poster, which is my yeard stick.

The descriptions do need trimming. Sound too novelish, too wooly.

Shortening your sentences may help it read better as a script.

I wrote to Chad earlier about exclamation marks, please use sparingly, they often make things look silly and read like a tabloid newspaper.

"Bonk bonk bonk". Er no.

There are some good ideas and writing in here. It's just the bad stuff hides them. Needs a good polish and trimming. The pace is too slow for a horror, in fact most films these days move a lot faster than this script will allow.

However, read a lot worse. Revamp, read some pro ones, you'll soon get it and get better. If I can do it, anyone can.

R xo

Ray W...

Shorts are what they are?  Too be honest, I try not to read too much into them.  It's just the start of hopefully, something great.   You could have easily trimmed two pages off of here.

Your montage sort to speak on page seven... I would have chosen a different route  to take.  Much easier too.

"NIGHTFALL," in the third part of your first three sluglines.  Do you make it a habit of doing that?  

Your story was just okay for me.  I thought the dark humor was good.  Congrats on finishing...

Ghostwriter

I loved the set up, quite original - George wants the ghosts of his Liz and Ben go with him when they are planning to demolish the house and the only way to do it is to possess somebody. Anybody. So he brought Ed with him. However, I was waiting for more and more never came. He brought Ed, Ed tried to escape but couldn't, Liz possessed Ed and they left - a bit too easy, fast...  feels short for some reason.

Few notes:

p1 "His attention returns to the half glass door absent his reflection against the house's dark interior" - wondering if you could reword it. I also think it would be better if George was a human - right now I don't know what he is.

"He smiles and rubs the door handle. Color faintly flows into it and across the door" - the second part about color slows the read for me (there were quite a few instances like this) --although contributes to atmosphere but still...

"Although his wake leaves crackling frost across the large wood framed mirror, in the foyer it returns no reflection" - maybe show his wake that leaves frost first. Then no reflection in the foyer. Otherwise it's complicated and not very visual this way.

p4 You have "Ben rattles his chains and Moans" - do we see Ben? If we do not maybe you better have it as "Rattling of chains, Moaning"(something like that).

p6 "A moment later his shoes, and clothes, crackling on fire" - I don't know whose, George's or Ed's.

I wonder if you need Ben at all.

Thanks for your notes on mine.

You certainly have a way with words.  But I think maybe your writing is too poetic at times. Poetic is great if you're writing a novel or a poem(obviously), but I think you could benefit from focusing on making your descriptions simpler and more concrete. A part from that I like the story and characters but I think your ending needed more of a punch to it.

Ray,

I'm sorry to say that this didn't work at all for me.  There's way too much overwriting here and overcomplicating things that made this hard to read.  Your descriptions read like a novel.  They just kept going on and on and on and didn't seem to add much to the movement of the story.  The dialogue was similar; while the descriptions didn't move the story along I didn't feel the dialogue did either.  There just wasn't anything special about it.  Very routine.  I also had a hard time following the characters here.  We're learning about Liz and Ben from the get-go but aren't properly introduced to them until late in the story.  And Ben I didn't really see his purpose but it's possible I missed something.  Ed threw me off too but for that one I'm pretty sure I missed something.

I'll say this - your writing is good for a novel or a poem but for this particular 10 page short it smothers the story I'm sorry to say.  Again - just say what you need to say.  Keep it simple.  

But keep at it.

Greg

Ray,

Congrats on completing your script!
There are some very strong visuals here, but they are mired in novel like writing.
I know how this goes, I tend to overwrite by buckets on the first draft.
I had a very hard time following the story, this read like syrup for me.
There's something in the denseness of your formatting that slowed it down for me.
I confess I skipped over most of the freeze frame montage.
Perhaps repeating just the word CRACK! would do the trick?
I like your plot idea but I don't have feel for the characters at all.
Perhaps with another pass you could tighten things up. I want to know more about them.
Thanks for the post and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.

Thank you for reviewing this, everyone.

Jeff -
You're writing loads and loads of prose, but saying very little.  It's almost as if you're trying to write in some grand way, but it's coming across as extremely tough and irritating, and there is very little getting through.
For the life in me, I want to understand what that first sentence means. Honestly.
Nope, not trying to do anything other than find that magical balance between too dry and too flowery, as Mike pointed out.
Be patient. I'll get there.

I'm sure this will fall on deaf ears,...
Please... grant a modicum of credit. You should know by now although I may fail at succeeding I don't fail at trying. Please?

You chose to not intro Liz or Ben until very late in the script, which makes no sense to me.
Cool. It's just... how I wanted the story to go.
Used 'em as I wished: Not equally.

I can't imagine it's what Don was after when he continually said we have 3 actors at our disposal.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_actors_who_have_played_multiple_roles_in_the_same_film
There's a clear precedent established I already knew about that I didn't violate.
Multiple times I've caught guff off SS members for "thinking beyond the scope of screenwriting".
Looks like I'm guilty again.
You and I simply interpreted the directions given differently.
My approach would have been akin to a director asking for a piece to shoot where the two of us would have had a brief, little fifteen minute talk about production limitations. Say... if AJS or Breanne has asked any one of us to do this.
We would have had that conversation where this could have been resolved.

LOL! Page seven. Your brevity is appreciated.

Don't try to impress with big fancy words and sentences that don't reveal anything.  Get your point across so that it's a quick, efficient read.
Um... that's how I talk in real life, "big words" and everything.
They aren't big to me. Sorry.
On Lapse I was getting beaned for writing too austere.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1283983839/s-15/highlight-/#num15
Here it's the opposite.
Just bear with me. I'm looking for the magic mix.

James -
How many crashes of thunder and lightning do we need from the writer?? One or two. The rest would be up to the director.
Each of flash and crash is timed specifically to events pretty much just like an action or dialog.
They're not in there for filler, in which case I understand your point precisely.
Previously I understood all sounds were to be capitalized, but I've since learned it's optional, so... going forward - it will be something learned (to thumb my nose at relevant remarks elsewhere).

Take those pages to build onto why George is so dedicated and infatuated by Liz. I, as a reader, couldn't fathom why. She's a talks like she's on drugs.
&
Who they are, where they're from, who made them. Just one of those would've been nice.
To me this is more of a personal creative difference of how a story is told.
Granted, most stories spoon feed the reader/viewer everything.
In this one I wanted to set the audience in the middle of an established relationship that, like with anyone's, has it's own difficulties.
Not every conversation between a husband and wife, or BF/GF in this case, is without conflict.
People in love often overlook shortcomings in the other.
She's a ghost with limited communication abilities. Almost a handicap, and George loves her despite that - and her silly behavior, thus his frustration with her and dedication to her.
But I do understand what you're saying.

I thought you only had to asked once. From the rightful homeowner. Aslo, seemed like Ben had to ask also. Wtf is Ben??? He added nothing to the story.
Liz is the "owner" of the abandoned home. George lives elsewhere, wherever his coffin is. So, it's implied that they are BF/GF and he looks out after her for whatever reason people, or entities, fall in love over.  
Each time he must ask permission to enter her home.
Ben is a flesh eating ghoul. Something of their child or family dog.
He doesn't need to ask permission, and really doesn't "ask" for permission so much as he's just calling Elizabeth's name out loud. He only has vestigial memories of being polite.
A vampire, a ghost and a ghoul all dead forever. That's their family. Of sorts.

Michael -
or did you mean wrack?
Yes, funny man. I meant Wra-I-make-wrong-word-choice-errors,-too-ack.
Thank you for pointing that out to me.  

r -
Gotcha on the logline.

... too wooly.
Perhaps the most succint, helpful PoV I've received. Understood.
On another piece I was dinged for being too... nevermind.
Understood.

Exclamation points - gotcha.

Ghostwriter -
Page seven - understood. I'm writing VCR operating instructions as a novel it appears.

"NIGHTFALL," in the third part of your first three sluglines.  Do you make it a habit of doing that?
If the scene actually does appear after the sun goes down, dusk, and it's about to be night how would I better slug that? Gracias!

Khamanna -
Liz possessed Ed and they left - a bit too easy, fast...  feels short for some reason.
She posessed the pregnant woman, Ed was "consumed" or something, but I got you.
Liz just wanted a baby before she moved. Ghosts have wants too I figured, so she was using this opportunity to exploit a demand from George. Same BS as with people.

... wondering if you could reword it. I also think it would be better if George was a human - right now I don't know what he is.
Yep & that was me setting up the establishment that George is a vampire, along with some of the other events. It's never overtly established. It assumes the audience knows the whole vampire lore garbage.

p4 You have "Ben rattles his chains and Moans" - do we see Ben? If we do not maybe you better have it as "Rattling of chains, Moaning"(something like that).
You know... this is one of those things where I get conflicting information.
Some people want off screen characters named the moment they "do" anything while others, such as you've just pointed out, and I understand what you mean, suggest just sounds should be written as just sounds with names and character introductions made at first camera appearence.
I dunno.
Thoughts? Anyone?

p6 "A moment later his shoes, and clothes, crackling on fire" - I don't know whose, George's or Ed's.
Ed's.
The window is a portal.
So is the fireplace, but something of an... excremental portal.  
George throws Ed into the mirror, Liz consumes Ed and excretes the clothes and shoes out of the fireplace a moment later. I thought it would make a helluva visual.

Sanderson -
I think you could benefit from focusing on making your descriptions simpler and more concrete. A part from that I like the story and characters but I think your ending needed more of a punch to it.
Understood. Working on it. Thank you and understood, again.

Greg -
We're learning about Liz and Ben from the get-go but aren't properly introduced to them until late in the story.  And Ben I didn't really see his purpose but it's possible I missed something.
Correct, The story is about George and what he does for his "family". Liz and Ben are supporting characters, Ed is a tool to get something done, not at all a protagonist. Ben is something akin to a child or a pet dog. Pet ghoul in this case.

E.D. -
There are some very strong visuals here, but they are mired in novel like writing.
Yep.
I swung the bat too far the other way from Lapse.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1283983839/s-15/highlight-/#num15

I confess I skipped over most of the freeze frame montage. Perhaps repeating just the word CRACK! would do the trick?
Yeah, that was VCR instructions for a director rather than reading material for readers. My bad.
(Probably) won't happen again (for a while).


Thank you, guys.
Your perspectives and directions are valued.

Quoted from RayW "NIGHTFALL," in the third part of your first three sluglines.  Do you make it a habit of doing that? If the scene actually does appear after the sun goes down, dusk, and it's about to be night how would I better slug that? Gracias!

Yea, I've seen it in other scripts but to be honest the camera only recognizes DAY/NIGHT.

Personally, I wouldn't slug it.  If it were me... I'd include it in the action line.  These are all examples of what I do.

EXT.  BOSTON - DAY

Dawn breaks  or The break of dawn.  Or even Wee hours of the morning.

EXT.  MIAMI - NIGHT

Dusk... or Dusk falls.  The sunsets over, Blah...blah...  Late evening... early evening... you get the picture.

But this is just Ghost.  It's your script... so fair enough.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter

I'm sorry, Ray. I tried my best to finish it, but I can't. I think the main problem is your writing and your story structure.

You over-describe a lot of things that are already implied in a few words. Like the wind howl, something jingles, clings, clatters, the floor creaks and more. You don't need all these details. None of these descriptions moved the story forward. Instead, it just made the page looks black and crowded.

I stopped at page 6 and I didn't really understand what's going on so far. The story moves at a very slow pace, it's like nothing happened for the first five pages except for George trying to get Liz's attention. Part of the reason why goes back to your over-description, which slows things down.

I think this could've been cut down to 5 or 6 pages.

I can see you put in a lot of effort in it though.

Herman

Lots of things to address here, and I'm finally finishing up the OWC entries by the way.  I had to take a break away from abandon houses and wheelchairs.  Sorry, folks.

Anyways, I don't like how you bold the headers and character cues.  It just reads sluggy.  There are several instances here where you border on overwriting and then wrangle it back in to acceptable.  It's hard for me to say if it's intentional or not.  I'm not saying it doesn't read.  It does.  It's just not as orthodox as it could be, I guess.

The story is often weighted down by the presentation and I think you tend to be a very organized dude.  Your post and reviews are always very well laid out and I think you let that bleed over into your writing.  I get the feeling you're from a very heavy business, office back ground.  Maybe I'm wrong... But I think it could hinder your screenwriting.

But, with all that said, I didn't not enjoy this one.  It just took more time to get through it.  I felt overwhelmed when I opened it and flipped through it because of the weighty exposition housed within.  I got through it, though.  

There's no lack of atmosphere in this script, that's for sure.  
Since so much of the story rests on George I think you have to work on his dialogue -- everything he says to the other characters needs to retain the highly charged mix of tension and exhausted patience that you've created and somehow convey more information -- the more actual conversation between Liz and George that you give us, the more we can feel the urgency of their plight.

SPOILERS
I think the scene with Ben and the intestines is terrific.

Anyway, vivid writing, lots of potential for an amazing script.

Thank you, folks for your reads and RE-plies!

Ghostwriter -
Gracias.
Makes sense. I think I'll just do what you've suggested in the future.

Herman -
Couldn't finish it?! Page 6?! Ugh!
You recall how I was getting dinged on Lapse for being to dry or sparse?
I think with the iScripts "read out loud" I went hog wild with the sounds and in fact biased this deliberately towards a novelistic approach.

I'll re-write and submit the 1% fat version late next week, and if anyone's brave enough to try the "Condemned Lite" version I'd appreciate the feedback.
Looks like this one was woolly enough to scare off most of the forest animals!

Baltis -
Definitely understood about needing to take a break from all this. Did it myself.

Sorry about the bold slugs and characters.
I may keep the bold slugs and leave the characters as plain going forward.
As I just stated to Herman, the iScript "read" brought a dimension to this challenge I otherwise would have not included.
I can be flexible to the point of annoyance for those accustomed to predictable rigidity.

"I get the feeling you're from a very heavy business, office back ground.  Maybe I'm wrong... But I think it could hinder your screenwriting."
Umm... nope. You pretty much nailed this on the head.
I'm often responsible for the establishment of departmental policy, customer service and new hire training & orientation.
I am required know my sh!t inside out and backwards - and can explain it to any demographic.
Document my @ss out of a lawsuit.

My "director's" approach is killing me at writing these screenplays as I can keep track of waaaaay too much of the wrong stuff required, to the obvious point of distraction. Not good. At all.
Working on it.
Nice pick up, BTW.

Be brave and give "Condemned Lite" a try in a few weeks. Please.

Catherine -
"There's no lack of atmosphere in this script, that's for sure."  
You're so funny.  
Yeah. I got that shhhhstuff dripping on ya, don't I? Sorry about that.  
Re: George's conversations - Yep. Right on board with ya.
Will fix on the re-write.


Thank you, everybody!

---

Tim -
You seem to think that you are writing for a director, but you aren't. Just tell the damn story and leave out all the bulls*** .
But you gotta learn how to be economical with your words.
People aren't impressed by a writer who uses lots of big words and tries to impose himself onto the story.
You have a wee more (what is a plain word for "vitriol"?) hostility in your review than is required, but likewise, I'll force myself to make it through the end.

Will you please apply your economy of words to a single line that displeased you that would better tell the d@mn story by removing the bullsh!t from it?
Thank you.

I'm not trying to impress anyone or impose anything. Ugh!
If there are tools in the tool box that get the job done I use them.
I am not accustomed to using pliars when I know a ratchet and socket are a better tool.
Same thing.
Nowhere in any screenplay format information or reviews have I ever run across "Don't use 'fancy' words. It hurts people."  
It's a first to me.
I'm learning how low the bar is.
I done got it and appreciate your support of this perspective.  

Cheers

This was a real struggle to get through. I wanted to give up on page 2 but forced myself to make it through the end. You really need to find a way to streamline your writing because there's no way anybody would read a feature if written in a similar manner. You seem to think that you are writing for a director, but you aren't. Just tell the damn story and leave out all the bullshit. If someone wants to direct it then you can cross the bridge of a shooting script later.

I think you need to get your hands on some spec screenplays and see how they are written. Don't read any shooting scripts at all as it is obviously giving you bad habits. Page 7 is possibly the single worst page of a script I have ever read. I'm not kidding.

As for the story, I don't really know what's going on to be honest. The way this is written took me out of the story and I started just skimming towards the end. Something about a vampire wanting his girl to possess the body of a guy in a wheelchair. Either him or some guy named Ben, who I don't really know who that is.

Anyway, it is what it is. It's only a short and a weeks work so no big deal. But you gotta learn how to be economical with your words. People aren't impressed by a writer who uses lots of big words and tries to impose himself onto the story. They are impressed by writers who tell a great story as simply as possible. The less a reader consciously notices your writing then the more you are succeeding.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hi Ray,

Unfortunately I will have to agree with the majority on this one in that it was a bit of a slog to get through. I could never really get involved in the story. The way Liz's dialogue  was written came across a bit awkward.

On the plus side, I do think there were some good ideas here. The way George brings light and color with a touch of his hand for one thing. I thought the freeze frame scene on page 7 was a good idea just could have been executed better. The intestine eating came out of nowhere but it was quite fun. Still a little confused about who the heck Ben was and his role in the story.

On the "lite" version, it flows much better. However, I think there are still a few probs.
On page 3, "the man snaps his head back to George" why not just put Ed instead of the man?
I also discovered ( so I thought ) Ben was a ghost on this page. I can see how it might be difficult to name a character that you can't see and that doesn't speak. I think the rattles and moans work to a point. Although when George threatens to throw Ben into the portal/mirror this makes me rethink who or what Ben is.

I liked the mirror/portal idea with the spectre's hands and all. A Prince Of Darkness moment?

Page 5 and now I finally know who Ben is. I hope.
There is a new scene heading here and the first line is "He rattles the front door handle." Although I know it is George from the next line, I understand you should always name the character in this situation.

I have to be honest and admit I got a bit lost where in the farmhouse this whole scene is taking place. It says the front door but if he's already inside then why is he asking to enter? I think the heading should have been EXT. FARMHOUSE?

I think you should knock out "Before he strikes the wall" and "A moment later" and the "maybe" on Ben's description.
I liked Liz's reveal in the lightning on page 7.

The rest of the script played out fine.

I think the story is decent and after reading who Ben was meant to be, it all does make sense in the end. I think the original version may have been a little clustered. The rewrite does get to the meat a lot quicker and I think there is a nice visual horror story in here. I think your style of writing was a little different to what I have read so maybe my thoughts and confusions were down to adjusting to that.

All the best,

Malc

Hey Ray. It occurred to me that I owe you a few reads but didn't realize you had any shorts up until now; I tried to read your feature but I just couldn't. The main reason being your writing style requires me to do a lot of re-reading just to clarify what's going on. It's simultaneously too detailed and too sparse. For a short, it's no good but, at least, manageable. For a feature, it's just no good.

Anyway, I read both versions of this. Condemned and Condemned - Lite. I can safely say that your issue of clarity was fixed in the Lite version. I almost don't feel the need to go into your descriptions because whatever problems they had, you recognized and corrected them. So kudos.

That leaves the bread and butter of your script. Your story and your characters.

When you first made your appearance here, one of our first discussions was about horror. You admitted you're not exactly familiar with/keen on the stuff. Unfortunately, it shows here.

First off, you have a vampire script without any blood drinking. Without any vampirism, really. Fail. I mean... dude!

Other than that, it seems like you made an attempt to provide what one might expect from horror in such a way someone who's not into it would. As a result, it lacks pulse. The images are there and some were quite good. I liked the rattling chains, for example. But for the most part, they felt watered down and slightly hokey, like you weren't into it at all. Just wishy-washy. Liz's dialogue was particularly silly. They way you wrote it, I could here it in my head. And it sounded quite campy.

I'm not sure what to make of any of the dialogue, really. Didn't know what was going on a great deal of the time and everything was just said in such a cryptic and hokey way.

You also don't have much of a story here as far as I can tell. Your logline is an accurate description of what takes place, sure, but it's just a series of incidents as far as I can tell. Ed is a useless prop, for the most part. Serves very little purpose. There were some lines in which I had no idea what you were getting at (e.g. "Children?"). Everything just seemed all over the place, frankly.

Sorry, man. Didn't care for it.

The new version is much better, the story isn't lost under the language.

SPOILERS

and a lot of opinion

Re: George
I suggest you remove the traces of "modern" language from his dialogue, although it's kind of amusing to hear him call Liz "honey" when she's just  a howling force, somehow I think something more 19th century like "my own true love" or some such would be more in keeping with character.  
The way I read George, he has dark powers but he keeps them under control, pretty much -- implication being that he has great strength of will; the little bursts of anger and impatience he shows have to be played with a lot of restraint.

"The Tempest" is one of my favorite plays and your character Ben has the same kind of brute/comic charm as Caliban.  Meant as great praise.

Ray, I did not read the new version, but here's something amazingly simple, that I think will actually really help...

Your selection of names seems very odd and out of place for this kind of piece and these type of characters.  Especially Ben.  I remember when I read this, I was just like, "WTF?  Ben?".  Same deal with George to a lesser extent.  Just doesn't sound like an age old vampire at all, and I think this simple "error" really brings the read down.

Hope that makes sense.

Howdy, Guys!
Thank you for your bravery at taking a second crack at this.

Goodness, gracious.
Seems I made some progress.

Malc -
The way Liz's dialogue  was written came across a bit awkward
Should I have just written her dialog as plain talk and assume/hope the director and actors would have the sense to deliver it appropriately? As a ghost would?
On page 3, "the man snaps his head back to George" why not just put Ed instead of the man?
Typo/oversight on my behalf.  Same as for a few of the all capped sounds and exclamations I failed to remedy. That's all.
I can see how it might be difficult to name a character that you can't see and that doesn't speak. I think the rattles and moans work to a point. Although when George threatens to throw Ben into the portal/mirror this makes me rethink who or what Ben is.
You're not the only one identifying my failure in this regard, but for the life in me I can't see what's so difficult to understand that there is a guy (ghoul in this case, but that's not relevant) in the house that we can hear but cannot see and we meet him later.
To me it's simple.
But I've managed to confuse everyone that has brought it up.
I dunno, but it ain't good.
There is a new scene heading here and the first line is "He rattles the front door handle." Although I know it is George from the next line, I understand you should always name the character in this situation.
INT. COFFIN - NIGHT
George’s eyes flash open, he leaps up then vanishes.

INT. FARMHOUSE - NIGHT
He rattles the front door handle.

         GEORGE
    May I enter?
Not only did I follow "he" with George's name but I had immediately preceded it with his name and had started the story with a precedent of George needing to secure permission to enter the house.
The problem remains that if what I or we write isn't crystal clear to... 80% of the readers then we've buggered something, as I have here.
I'll figure out something shy of two talking heads in a box.  
It says the front door but if he's already inside then why is he asking to enter? I think the heading should have been EXT. FARMHOUSE?
Ah! Gotcha. Nope. I did it right. It's a half-glass door. Camera/audience is inside looking out through the door's glass at George on the outside jiggling the handle to get in.
Think:

... with a glass door.
Thank you, Malc.

James -
I am both impressed and pleased you remember those conversations from this summer when I first started out here.
It's simultaneously too detailed and too sparse.
My GOD! That's what's killing me.
It's not even a catch-22.
It's oxymoronic - and it keeps coming up with consistent frequency!
It's fantastically frustrating to me.
No one has verbalized/penned a sensible solution.
I dunno.
First off, you have a vampire script without any blood drinking. Without any vampirism, really. Fail. I mean... dude!
LOL! Yeah yeah yeah. Vampires suck blood.
Big whoop-tee-effin-doo.
I plead nolo.
While everyone else fawns over the sensationalism aspects of anything I consider the mundane practical stuff.
Humans have interracial relationships.
Why can't vampires?
Would they endure prejudice as well as some humans do?
Probably.
You can't really pick who you're going to fall in love with or even if it's a sensible arrangement to others.
Maybe Elizabeth wasn't always a ghost?
Maybe she used to be plain old human when George fell in love with her before some freaky thing happened to her?
Maybe George is responsible for her mortal death and feels guilt?
Maybe he fell in love with her as a ghost?
Who knows, who cares, doesn't matter, people are freaks. Why not Vampires and ghosts?
Not a fail.
I thought the absolute disregard for human life would be horrifying. Humans are just... commodities, like the food that we are.
But for the most part, they felt watered down and slightly hokey, like you weren't into it at all. Just wishy-washy.
Yeah, I don't like plotting and planning how to kill and torture people.
It's uncomfortably easy for me, so I kinda bunted on this with the Nightmare Before Christmas approach.
Liz's dialogue was particularly silly. They way you wrote it, I could here it in my head. And it sounded quite campy.
Hey, now! The poor girl has a speech disability.
You can't go running around telling Stephen Hawking he sounds silly and campy.  
Didn't know what was going on a great deal of the time and everything was just said in such a cryptic and hokey way.
I generally demand the audience fill in a lot of gaps.
Sometimes I'll spoon feed 'em, but usually I expect them to bring a lot to the table.
My scripts will or may suffer for that.
Ed is a useless prop, for the most part. Serves very little purpose.
Nah! George and Liz have already discussed that the house is being torn down soon.
Ghosts can't just float across the field and down the road.
They must inhabit a home or person - or semi-person, in Ben's case. Ha!
So, George, being the good boyfriend that he is, brought a person to his girl's place to move her @ss outta there.
He even picked out another place. One with a pretty view of the forest.
What a nice guy.
Ed... ? Ed's dead.
Ed's meat on a stick.
Ed's a tool.
Ed's a very important tool because he allows the parameters of Liz's limitations and capabilities to be established.
Not to mention a way to introduce Ben which in turn gets George back out of the house forcing him to find something that Liz wants: A baby.
Ghosts have wants, too.
Liz wants a baby.
That's why children make her sad. Sure, it's a furious temper tantrum sad, but still...
She wants one, too.
Sorry, man. Didn't care for it.
Fair enough. No harm. No foul.
When I review the 2009 best/worst movies I smile at the contradictions.
Thank you, James.

Catherine -
How are you? Don't get to read you as much as I'd like.
I like your wonky approaches to stories.
The new version is much better, the story isn't lost under the language.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I really am listening and trying.
I suggest you remove the traces of "modern" language from his dialogue, although it's kind of amusing to hear him call Liz "honey" when she's just  a howling force, somehow I think something more 19th century like "my own true love" or some such would be more in keeping with character.
Yep.  Funny you bring this up.
I had considered doing just that, but figured that as centuries change and languages change that a person or vampire's dialect would also change. So... there's that.
Thinking along the same lines. And that should be scary to you.
The way I read George, he has dark powers but he keeps them under control, pretty much -- implication being that he has great strength of will; the little bursts of anger and impatience he shows have to be played with a lot of restraint.
BINGO!
You are the only other reviewer that has expressed such an accurate comprehension of the character as I intended.
(I don't know what that says about you, but I'm okay with it. HA!)
I will investigate "The Tempest" with all the enthusiasm you should expect of me.
Don't smirk too much should you see future references and allusions to it.  
Thank you, Catherine.

Jeff -
Names, names, names.
Names are funny things, are they not?
Generally arbitrary, interchangeable at will or upon whim, yet they carry such import to varying degrees of intrinsic value.
Well... you should have known that I'd already done my homework on age appropriate given names.
http://www.guildofstmichael.org/names.html
Elizabeth - number effing one, and not overdone on pop culture. Gimme five!
George - not too far down the list and ahead of that [uncharitable remark], burnt-out Edddddwerrrrrd. Simply didn't care for those prior to it. Made me think of George Washington.
Ben - Well, since I had done picked George (Washington) not too surprisingly I thought of Benjamin Franklin. Born 1706. Three centuries old, Good enough for me.
Hope that makes sense.
H3ll, yeah it makes sense.
I flag writers down all the time for picking goofy names that just stick in my eye like a splinter.
Bummer that's what stuck in yours, but honestly, I do appreciate you rolling that aspect around in the back of your mind and thought to lump it out here.
That was very nice of you.
Thank you, Jeff.

Well... Seems I have made some progress.
Seems I still have more to make.
I done got this far, so...

See you guys around!  

Ray,

Good job on completing a OWC. Unfortunately, this story did not work for me.

I did enjoy the setup and the idea for this story. Once we got deeper in, though, I felt myself struggling to pay attention to what was going on. There, in my opinion, was too much description which made the story feel a lot longer than it should have been. I know you said you get hammered on sparse description along with too much description. I feel you should try to find a happy medium. Give some description, but not every CRACK needs to be accounted for.

I wanted to like this story, but I just couldn't. I would try to write an idea with less description, but have the description you do use be very strong. I would see if that may work for your writing style and for the reader as well.

Rob