Time to Shine by Mark Renshaw writing as Arthur Christmas - Short, Family - A defective Christmas Rudolph sweater struggles to find a nice human to live with due to his light-up nose which is more blinding light than guiding light. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Giving life and voice to the 'defective' sweater is a good metaphor for a society that tends to diminish the significance of the defective humans we shuttle off to 'institutions'.

I thought rescuing the 'defective' sweater from the trash bin of society and investing it in the body of JOSH, a 10 year old kid, not picky or choosy, but just happy to have something he can call his own. Because when he comes to understand the power that rests in the bond between himself and the supposed 'defective' sweater, his own self esteem takes off on the ride of a lifetime.

Judy surprised me in that she did not seem perturbed at Josh for having crashed her car because of the sweater. I think this element could have been developed more so that we could understand what keeps her so calm.

A lovely warm-hearted story that made me chuckle.

I enjoyed Rudolph Jr's voice over - he comes across as a fully fledged character.

SPOILERS ahead...

It read as fantasy to me which fits in nicely with the Christmas theme and would make for a lovely animated piece.
Some lovely humour throughout.

Minor quibbles/suggestions:

Perhaps take a couple of years off Josh? Ten is a bit old imho.

If it were me I'd tweak that logline just a bit:
A defective Christmas sweater determined to find a nice human gets a chance to save the day but goes out in a blaze of glory.

A blaze of glory it literally is, but I got the feeling that Rudolph was going down, (in this case it would burning, or torn to shreds,) but that's not what happens is it? I certainly hope they didn't all blow up - the blinding red filling the screen might leave viewers to think that.  

Typo:
He pressed the nose
Presses?

...on a rack marked FREE SAMPLES.
I'd personally call it the reject pile - more visually emotive.

You could up the conflict in a second draft (if you want)...
Have Judy be a bit more of a hard-sell before she actually selects the sweater.
Perhaps she discards it at first and Rudolph Jr's light keeps blinking on and off?

A lovely heartfelt message to go out on with Rudolph Jr's final line.
As long as they all didn't go up in flames.  

Great job!

Ahoy writer,

Too much good advice already.

Umm, I was hoping for a happier-ending, because the first part seems to lead me there naturally and the dark ending (well for me it us) seems to be just a twist and not really an alternative ending. Or maybe it is. Idk. In a nutshell, I was really diggin' it up until the nebula curtain falls. Don't get me wrong, it was cute, heart-warming, but the ending was a mixed bag for me. No worries. I'm probably the lone dissenter here. Good job. Best of Irish luck!

Another cute story. Forgotten sleds. Now defective sweaters. This was a joyful read to me. Good descriptions painted a picture for me. Good job.

The family genre is not normally my thing but I dig the little sweater with the supercharged nose. If it were me I'd be tempted to go full-on fantasy and when the bright light blinds the mugger it summons Santa and he lands just like Superman to take out the bad guy, but that's just me!

Oh, and I took the ending as a bit of comedy with the lights going out and Josh using the bulb to create blinding light but you might want to make it more obvious that everyone isn't dead as I can see from one comment that they think he's nuked everyone.

Hi Writer

Ha! I loved this one. It had a proper arching story, likeable characters and a great premise.

Awesome job

I'm with Rudolph Jr. with this one. " I don't quite understand how......we get to have a nice Christmas"  So they're poor at Christmas time but the mugging event on YouTube goes viral and now on Christmas Day they're wealthy?
Pretty fast or is this another Christmas a year later.  I'm assuming you're not from the US;  Totally OK, but Mother and son tuck into their food; ... they laugh together and pull crackers"  Sorry, just got lost here.  
The sentiment is there but I felt the story was too loosely structured.

I like the underdog spirit in this script--the defective sweater that shines at the right moment.

The repetition of the line "I got this" is excellent. I am also a big fan of "We'll get a new car." At first, I wanted the see the crash, but that line makes it work.

One thing that was confusing was the reference to "My dad." Not quite sure who that is.

This one nailed it for me. Good characters, funny jokes, a solid premise, and the requisite Christmas miracle with a modern twist. Good job here. I think there's room to learn a bit more about this family and their history, maybe, but a lot of that would come through with the right director/design/etc.

As I go:

• Cover page - "Based on, If Any" Um... not a good sign... unless this is actually based on a story called If Any.
  
• Page 1 - There's no age to the Quality Controller or description for him. I didn't even know it was a male until I read the next line and then I was confused as to who "He" was.
  
• Page 1 - You don't introduce Rudolph Jr. with CAPS and a description. When he started speaking I didn't know who it was. I thought it might have been the QC guy.
  

It was a bit difficult to read so I stopped noting things as I went.

There is a decent story here but it was difficult to get through.
I like the message but the execution could have been done better.

Good job finishing a script.

Quoted from Nomad ... [*]Cover page - "Based on, If Any" Um... not a good sign... unless this is actually based on a story called If Any. ...

That's just a Final Draft default format thing.
I too have left that in when rushing an OWC entry.  

And no I didn't write this...

Ahoy writer,

Chr!st I must be the dumbest rock who visits this forum! Everybody gets these short scripts except me!

After Mark's astute observation, a second read, that seems to be the general consensus from the buffet of feedback, too.

Ok, writer ****An addendum to my previous post; Your ending is no longer a mixed bag for me. A fav of mine now.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Ahoy writer, Chr!st I must be the dumbest rock who visits this forum! Everybody gets these short scripts except me! After Mark's astute observation, a second read, that seems to be the general consensus from the buffet of feedback, too. Ok, writer ****An addendum to my previous post; Your ending is no longer a mixed bag for me. A fav of mine now.

I really think (I said it already) the 'blaze of glory' implies a final act or swan song.
I just think that logline needs tweaking to something less conclusive... if it is indeed a happy ending, which it probably is.

I really wasn't sure, so count me as a dumbass too.

Writer,

Shit! I mean shoot. I uttered those exactly words in Catholic school once!

Anyways, this was a disjointed effort, and a touch overwritten.  I think the continuity was off as I don’t understand why they’re home, the sweater gets tossed in the trash, then they’re back on the road walking again, only to get mugged. Not quite sure how all that that happened. Still, a decent effort here that needs a little cleaning up in spots.

Steve

Thanks for the reads, reviews and votes! This was waaaaay out of my comfort zone. I really was tempted to have Santa summoned by Rudolph Junior's bright nose when the mugger attacked and go full-on fantasy but I resisted the urge, plus I was trying to keep the budget down.

I'm so sorry the logline was so rubbish and made some think Junior nuked everyone at the end! I really panicked when I read that so I'll be changing the logline.

Just to answer a few questions from the reviews:

"Dad" was the first jumper the Quality Controller picks up.

The 'Based on, if any' in the title page is the default setting of Final Draft which I failed to remove.

"Pulling crackers" seemed to confuse one or two of you. Do you guys in the US not have Christmas Crackers which you traditionally pull during Christmas dinner?

I did have a scene where Josh sneaks out of his bedroom at night to retrieve the sweater from the trash but cut it.  I see one reader was confused by the switch from nighttime and mom throwing the sweater, to them being mugged and Josh having the sweater on. I was hoping the audience would put two and two together with Rudolph Jnr's voice over.

The original idea was bigger. I had the sweater being passed to various people who ultimately discarded it when they discovered the overpowering light bulb, with it ultimately finding a home with a tramp who kept it for the rest of his days. I simply didn't have the pages so kept it as simple as possible. However, there are a lot of possibilities here if anyone is interested in optioning it.

Thanks again.