Christmas Wrap by Eggbert S. - It is better to be a Christmas gift than the wrapping paper that covers it.  Short, Comedy

I'm debating...when we are OVER BLACK and hear the narrator, I have to know is it an INT or EXT when

Quoted Text The darkness fades and is replaced with a closeup view of Christmas wrapping paper, a deep red variety with white snowflakes, all of them the same.

Should this be part of THE BEDROOM in the next scene? Also...there's no FADE IN on the giftwrap.

Giftwrap narrator just swears and protests. No amusing quips and many missed opportunities. There are other gifts under the tree, but Narrator says nothing much about them -are they also part of him, or are they 'brothers and sisters'?  Would some of him be in storage? Any "accidental" tears or rips?  See- you could go crazy with this, but the paper just rambles.

What the heck is Uncle Kevin doing with his brother's wife? Out of place here and unnecessary.
Story goes on...Giftwrap scrap gets outside, and starts becoming more self aware, and indirectly references te OWC.  >

Lack of transitions/headers on page 6. It all doesn't happen out on the front porch.

Kind of nice effort. Lacks punch.

Christmas Wrap essentially addresses a dysfunctional family, by discarding the wrappings of civility and exposes the decay beneath (in this case the toy gun) (and the immorality of the Uncle Kevin  and his brother's wife)

And the wrapping paper ripped apart from its normalcy and doomed to be shredded and forgotten, suggesting its only purpose is to serve as a temporary source of benefit.

The monologue is repetitive about nothing in particular other than total dissatisfaction with the life of a temporary and expendable existence.  

I think your logline answers its own question. Better to be the gift. Then again we didn't get the pressie's perspective.  

Inventive and creative, madcap & just plain nuts.
I wished you'd given Mr Snow-Flake (the Christmas wrapping paper) a name. He really deserves one.

Narrator in this case sounds like a third party or observer from afar, yet all of the words and feelings and ranting come directly from the gift-wrap itself via personification, so...

Not sure why the preoccupation with Baudelaire.
I think you need a bit more comical rhyming for that to land fully.
It was amusing in part because of its complete absurdity - some hit, some miss.

Admirable effort because of its sheer wackiness.

The idea of an educated, poet quoting wrapping paper is hilarious.

The execution needs work though.  We spend over a whole page, so about a minute of screen time either staring at a blank screen or some wrapping paper. The thing is, this long intro isn't even required as we can pick up everything we need from the rest of the script.

Debbie Luster - great porn name.

The wrapping paper screaming in agony and moaning about everything quickly becomes tiresome. The flipping between a narrator who breaks the fourth wall and commentary from the paper also doesn't quite gel. I'd suggest picking one and suggest the paper interacting with other presents/household items as all this chaos is going on rather than it directly complaining about everything.

I think this is more personal taste. I'm not a fan of those comedies where everything goes tragically wrong for the MC. Congratulations for giving this a go, most dropped out so any entry is a win for me.

Well, that was hilariously woeful.

Loved the wrapping paper character and the comical things he went through. Never felt so much emotion for wrapping paper before lol.

Yup, loved it.

Well done

An abundance of Christmas cheer here.  So I changed Uncle Kevin to Cousin Kevin, Baudelaire to Tommy and: Townsend whipping out, "How can he be saved, from the eternal grave"?   Particularly enthralled with, " The wrapping paper scrap sticks to her sweaty butt cheek"  What else can I say, a Baudelaire fan with crazy a mind, can write some pretty creative stuff.  So you reached the pinnacle of a downer.   Merry Christmas.  Sweet!

I think this could use a good trim, as some of the material gets repetitive, but it's an entertaining slice of Christmas misery. Feels like it would work best as an animated short, to me.

The paper being torn/hurt/broken-boned is not as fun, funny, or interesting as the rest of its story.

I particularly liked the moment when the scrap is flying past other houses and think the script could do a bit more with this idea as it's one of the really fun ones.

Glad to see a feel-bad script for Christmas!

I won't bemoan any technical errors or faux pas and just focus on the story.

As the story goes, it has a few moments of humor but they quickly fade into repetition.
I thought the way the wrapping paper speaks was funny at first, but it becomes too much without much of a punchline.

I wish that the different pieces of wrapping paper had their own voice as they were all under the tree, but that would have taken the story in a different direction.

The part where the brother and wife get it on came out of left field. Maybe a scandalous look exchanged between the two prior to attempted coitus would have set that up better.

I would have liked more of a message about consumerism, but that's just my take on something like this.

Good job finishing a script!

Ahoy writer,

**disclaimer: "I know nothing"...Socrates.

Let me say up front, you've been one of the most adept scriptwriters on here with ideas that always sparked my interest. As for the funny factor, I got the comedy of it, more in the visuals than the dialogue, It's nuts, in a fun way, but I think I liked your other entries better though.

Some of the choices you're making storywise seem to me to need a closer look. A few things I picked up on my radar.

Oh, and BTW, I'm in Libby's camp.  Do give the wrapping paper a name.

I'm no prude, but from a female perspective, the sex scene didn't quite cut it for me. Namely cos it kinda fell out-of-the-blue. Bottom line, a better set-up is warranted. Nomad made a good suggestion. More slapstick would make it funnier.

On a related topic -  the misery with the paper thingy gets old pretty quick, I'm going to be the lone voice of dissent here. I think you need to go way overboard with the slapstick to make it work...so good. I think you accomplished that.

That said, I gotta put the hammer down on the (VO's) towards the end, time to get the scissors. A trim is needed.

AHHHHHHH! I really liked the Charles Baudelaire quotes. Beaudelaire sounds like he understood the Yin & Yang to life. In darkness, there is light. In light, a darkness. Balance is key.

Anyhoo- to put a bow on this, it's good to write something a leetle beet crazy now and again, it unblocks clogged mental pipes, warms up your writing muscles.  It's been a barrel-o-fun! Luv the idea of this, I just think it would benefit from a nip-and-tuck. Best of Irish luck!

Btw, although I prefer Verlaine, "Les fleurs du mal" of Baudelaire is still one of my favorite's.

Writer,

Liked this a lot. And I learned something new -  the quotes of that poet and essayist you mentioned (I’m not going to pretend I can spell his name from memory).

I had no issues with the sad nature of the story. It’s relatable for sure. My gripe is the lack of a resolution. It had a resolution - dark and murky, and a teaser this might not be the last we hear of the wrapping paper, but I think you needed to tie that up here, and not tease a sequel. This would have felt more complete if you’d done so.

That said, fine writing and visuals. Good work!

Steve