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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    December 2021 One Week Challenge  ›  A Midnight Clear - OWC
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  Author    A Midnight Clear - OWC  (currently 557 views)
Don
Posted: December 17th, 2021, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Midnight Clear by King James - Three Wise Men long for their missing Savior.  Short, Comedy


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: December 17th, 2021, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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That's it? A lot of space on page four.  
Oh well. Challenge didn't say anything about page count.

If The Wise Men talk like cliched Mafioso I'm not sure what the point of it was, as they could nothing to a pair of vandal pranksters.  (note: New Baby Jesus also speaks in the same tone) That's not saying some lines are amusing, though the best funny line is said by Mary ("They grabbed my ass!") , A simple skit with a little too mich on'just thens' 'Now " . Action happens as we see it unfold. Now and Just Then are unneeded extra words.

As for  Old Baby (?) Jesus having his digits cut off with the exception of the middle finger, hey, "stoners" did it.  Give Jesus a joint.

read was quick and merciful.
written fast...


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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RolandJ
Posted: December 17th, 2021, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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This reminds me of an old Saturday Night Live sketch. Short. Lively. And lots of punch lines. The dialogue was the focus (Mafioso speech) delivered in a deadpan face.

The religious element at Xmas was a switch that added the stoners and the drug element.

This was a short sketch that would work in any environment and/or era.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: December 18th, 2021, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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Was it Monty Python, or Crenshaw, who first said, "I've suffered for my art, now it's your turn?" Just messin' witcha

Ummm...you've got a nice warped sense of humor there Writer. The average person (I'd hazard to opine) will see it as comedy, so I think your tone is right on. Interesting you went with the mafioso lingo, but the dialect coming out of Baby Jesus’ mouth doesn't sound right. Idk - I'm thinking why have Baby Jesus  speak at all. I know people will interpret the script differently - just like The DaVinci Code (did I just throw say that - barf...)  Your ideas are always entertaining and I enjoy them. Your previous works more so. I liked it, but not as much as your previous works.  Good job. Best of Irish luck!



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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  December 18th, 2021, 5:46am
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LC
Posted: December 18th, 2021, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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Someone must have been in a bit of a hurry. Fade Out or at least The End will make it look more Pro and like your tale is finished. As is, I keep thinking you're coming back to add a bit.

Mary's line made me chuckle...

Not much in the way of an accompanying message. Not that you have to have one.

Could make for a funny sketch. Maybe tweak it just a bit. I did like the contrasting tough-guy voices against the backdrop of the Nativity scene

I just felt it was missing something... like a surprise punchline on top of the reveal.

Overall a bit of light fun and I enjoyed it.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: December 20th, 2021, 4:54am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

It was fun and made me smile.

Personally, I would have just finished at the bottom of page 3.

Seth and Franco? You hoping for Seth Rogen and James Franco to play this? A Pineapple Express Christmas special... I would watch that.

Good effort


Feature

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Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: December 20th, 2021, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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That was short and sweet. Made me smile and chuckle more than once. More like a sketch as there's no story as such and it just kinda ends but thanks for making me smile!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Heretic
Posted: December 20th, 2021, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Good concept and funny despite not going anywhere.

Made me think of the Mr. Bean sequence where he's messing around with the nativity.
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JakeJon
Posted: December 20th, 2021, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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sorry, like an old SNL skit, yup old,  Not funny then; not funny now.
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Rob
Posted: December 20th, 2021, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this. Funny to think that a nativity scene would be populated with Sopranos wise guys and two Jesus babies--one Chinese and the other full of tattoos. I'd leave it as it is.
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