Hey Richard,

Here is the final part of the review, as promised.

Picking up where I left off on page 88...

OK, so Francois meets his violent demise. All very well and good. But I feel this needs to come a looooooooooot earlier. What's the point of upping the stakes with only a few pages to go? This could act as a great midpoint or, at the absolute latest, an effective bridge into act 2. But this happening at page 88 in a 101 page script is far too late, IMO.

There are also some issues with this scene, which stem from bigger problems in the script as a whole:

1. The chest needs to be set up more effectively as a McGuffin, for people (i.e. Francois) to be willing to die to protect it. What is this chest to Francois? He could have straight away told Graham where the chest was, and saved both his and (potentially -- not sure how this will play out) Claire's life. Why is he willing to die for the chest?

2. Why is Graham willing to go to such great lengths to be reunited with the chest? After all, this was the chest that he had previously sold. But now he's graphically torturing a man to get it back. Just a quick idea: What if Anne was never on the scene? (I feel that neither herself, nor the incest subplot added nothing to the story.) Then when Jaxi dies, she leaves everything to Parker... But the one thing Parker doesn't have is this chest, because Graham's already pawned it. This chest really means something to Parker. He knows that no amount of money in the world will be able to return it. He also knows that Graham is his only route to retrieving the chest, as it was him who sold it in the first place. So Parker cuts Graham a deal: Find the chest, and he gets X amount of money/Jaxi's mansion, etc. That way, Graham actually has a solid motivation for wanting to retrieve the chest.

P. 90 -- Cut the inane talk about Jayden and Laura. Get down to the meat of the convo quicker.

P. 94 -- I don't buy Claire letting these guys into her house, after the break in.

P. 99 -- So the chest is revealed to be worth a million dollars... Surely these guys were set to inherit more than this from the estate, anyway? Maybe increase the chest's worth? Also, get this in earlier, so we know what's at stake.

I thought the grappling scene was good, but the story's conclusion felt too rushed, in my opinion. Overall, there wasn't a strong enough theme to make this closing shot of the burned chest an eeffectively emotive closing shot.

I've got a suggestion on how you can improve this, which I talk about in the 'Claire' point below.

OK, so I finished. As you can probably tell from my notes, I did have some problem with the story. The two main issues were:

1. Claire as a character -- This was the biggest issue here. Claire does nothing all story. You could remove her, and aside from the final scene, the narrative of the story would hardly be effected. In fact, even in the final scene, Jayden comes to the rescue. This needs to be your main focus going forward. Give Claire some kind of goal, something she wants to achieve, then throw obstacles in her way. I'm not trying to tell you how to write your story -- far from it -- but I do have one or two potential suggestions. I mentioned earlier about the closing scene failing to evoke much emotional response in me as the reader. This could be rectified, with Claire's burning of the chest indicating her arcing as a character. What flaw would this show her overcoming? Maybe greed? And if so, what type of goal/story would best exploit this? Maybe she comes into possession of the box. Sells it for a few thousand dollars. Parker's sniffing around. Her and Francois realise that the box is worth a whole lot more than what she sold it for. So she tries to track it down herself. Meanwhile, we have Parker and Graham killing everyone in their way on route to tracking down the box themselves. Claire gets the box back. Parker and Graham kill Francois. Claire goes on the run with the box, only to finally be caught, where she burns the box to escape herself.

Just throwing some ideas out there.

But either way, focus on making this story about Claire.


2. The McGuffin -- I'm not going to go into this in too much detail, as I've already talked about this earlier, but I'm just going to briefly mention it again, as effectively establishing the importance of the McGuffin is crucial for a story such as this, with the McGuffin being the central driving force in the narrative. If people in the story are willing to kill to obtain the McGuffin, or die to keep it hidden, we need to clearly know the object's worth, for these plot points to be clear for us. At the moment, this wasn't the case. We only knew the chest's worth right at the end. By this time, too much blood had already been shed, most of it causing confusion on my end.


Despite these issues, there was a lot to like in here, and I definitely feel the idea has merit. Work on these aforementioned issues, and you could have something here. Also, dude! You wrote a frigging feature in seven weeks. That, in itself, is a major accomplishment. Most writers don't finish a feature ever, and you've gone and produced one in seven weeks. Congratulations there.

If you want me to further expand on anything, just let me know.

I'll try to get around to replying to your comments on Blood Harvest tomorrow.

Best,

Toby.

treasure chest

ello roger, glad you are jolly

First part...sorry the read has taken time, and needs finishing ...Ill try and finish this weekend

Let's have a look...

P3 not sure how we know she's an interior decorator..would designer be better? Perhaps a design magazine in hand, or plans of someone's room?
P4 you could probably take out the sunglasses line, doesn't link to what follows
P4 nice intro to Francois...the camp Frenchman is not unusual but would suit
P4 tea nee...?
P7 para starting... What did I tell you... I think this could be re worked
P9 tan and thin and flaky... One to many ands for my taste
P20 ah ha .. so the chest was stolen

Ok what have we got so far.
Protagonist - interior designer with French assistance. Just about to go out with lawyer. Dead granny, inheritance to daughter, one son a druggie the other more of a wild boy.

Drugie needs money, parker needs money and is being ripped off.

Genre - feels like a simple drama. Not much in mystery so far.

Claire - I think we could do with a little more desire, what she after?

But so far reads well and is clear enough.

Carrying on...

P21 ET dialogue is not the best - but i get the tome your looking for. reminds me of Notting hill
i think they should discuss what the letters could mean, and how to find out...
p24 ok parkers just upped the stakes with an assault on molly
Drinks in front of them, they’re too for jitters. ????
INT. INNER SPACE - CONTINUOUS - better revise this, i thought we were with the stars. just remember this si the name of the shop..humm, may be worth revising
p25 im a fan on VO overlapping scenes but be aware not to do too much
graham hitting her..i suppose but this si parkers anger. i would stick with him whilst ordering graham. also if he is this nasty i think some forshadowing is worthwhile an di don't feel we have had that.
p26 by the restaurant we've had too much VO IMO
p27 whoa..this really has stepped up...i like it but it feels a tad out of time with the previous 20 odd pages
Laura -??
p31 err...graham...mommy?
p35 - i like the story but it goes on too long and better have a real point, which so far is not clear
p37 didnt anne get the inheritance? if so why she need graham?
p42 i like the idea of claire seeking to help parker, gets he into the mix

Supposedly, he was trying to retrieve a lost fishing reel. thats the kind of detail you can avoid to make it slimmer. the viewer already knows
p54 the island could do with a d description, where it is , what etc
wouldn't a metal detector be better than random digging?
DUI ???
i think francois has gone back too quickly. being there feels repetitive
sand dunes move - perhaps you could get francois to try and work out the movement. where they may have been two hundred years before?
i like the initials slip up
Claire arrives. - bit misleading as it suggests she's just arrived, whens thats already happened
Your payment. t he door was unlocked. - typo
Why would I need a gun - missing full stop
p76 - I’ll be back. make it clearer he is leaving
p79 a fews slugs have missing full stops
p91 they have sene him go to the island with shovels. they see him drawing a map. don't you think they would have gone out there as well? i know they have got the chest but they could get the drawing or have a look around

ok finished.

Overall a fair effort with potential.

What would i suggest.

Claire - she is everything in this and i feel we need a little more from her. what she want? whats her weakness? how does that conflict with the story? if she's broke the treasure could be lure ? if she's lonely love could make her blind etc

tone - i appreciate it has to be upped as the story goes along but it does feel like it goes from family drama to sick thriller. i appreciate the dying grandmother does set the tone but just be mindful of the rest.

an idea.

french is killed. she guesses who, but if re written there is no evidence. so she sets a trap for parker and graham, with jayden as advisor - the mission to trap the killers, get a confession and ideally, find out about the map (say there is missing piece of the puzzle, like a missing part that the boys father saw, but is now missing, but they know what it said/was etc). this would make her dynamic, well motivated, connect with jayden and possibly in that scene she would have to decide between the money and justice. tension

all the best

Dipping my toes into the final feature...

The first 11 look virtually unchanged. That's not a good sign, as per my previous review.

P15

Code ROGER (CONT’D) Lenny had a jewelry store.  Not the biggest, not the priciest, just a nice living.  Paid all the bills.   Once a month, Lenny’s brother[-]in[-] law would stop in to chew the fat and hit Lenny for a hundred bucks.   Lenny called it his happy house insurance.  Lenny’s wife was bitchy enough without her brother stirring the pot, and Lenny could afford the hundred bucks.

Trim this. Trim it in half. Trim it in two thirds. Trim it in three quarters.

Code ROGER (CONT’D) Lenny had a jewelry store. Paid all the bills. Once a month, Lenny’s brother-in-law would stop in and hit Lenny for a hundred bucks. Called it his happy house insurance.

Code PARKER Is this going somewhere?

That's what I asked pages ago.

The next block of dialogue is seventeen lines!

Code ROGER One month, the brother-in-law wants another hundred, more than Lenny’s willing to pay, but keeping the bitch happy... ya know? Roger laughs nervously. ROGER When his wife's out of town, he invites the brother-in-law over for a few drinks. The brother-in-law doesn't make it up the stairs. PARKER What happens? ROGER He rolls down the stairs, snaps his neck.

That's a little more down to earth.

P18

Ugh. Nothing really interesting is happening, just dragging along. I'm out. I can't read anymore.

Again, nothing about this script says "thriller." This film is about as much a thriller as it is science fiction, from what I've read. This is unbearably boring, I'm sorry.

4 out of 10.

Not read anyone else's comments, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

Code A 12x12x12, corroded, metal box sits...

12x12x12 what? CM, Inches, Millimetres? And if it is one of those measurements, then why not write: A 12 inch squared, corroded, metal box sits...

Old fashioned garage? It's the 1920s as per your super. What's old fashioned about it? Same with the car, be better to mention name and model than the year it's from.

Code ...her tank top does nothing for the fat.

I wouldn't expect it to.

Code A first-class burglary.

But it isn't... it's a low class apartment.

You've just described Parker as a bad boy, now he's calling the police?

After 10 pages. I was thinking this was a kids film, but then a guy smoking weed and allowing his grandma to have a heart attack without doing anything about it, says different. I'm assuming your hook is that the viewer will wan t to know more about the box, but at the moment I just don't care. There's a lot of talking going on. Things are happening but not enough to keep my interest at the moment.

Code ROGER You know, that’s the trouble with the younger generation. You always got a smartass remark, a smartass remark. Like that makes you bright or something. PARKER What if I play dumb? ROGER You don’t have to play.

He berates him for a smartass remark, then comes out with one himself.

At last, a character I like... Roger. Not the nicest of people, but he has character. I hope he's in it more.

Page 24... finally getting good.... and yet, at the same time, it's a break in the tone. So far this has been a kiddie mystery film, like Enid Blyton's Secret Seven or Famous Five. Now things have gotten a bit hardcore. Yes, I like it, but it doesn't fit with the rest of the film. I think, organically, this story is asking to be a U.

GRAHAM She wouldn’t talk.

Doesn't ring true. She's the owner of an antique shop and she's just been beaten up, literally tortured, and she wouldn't talk? When shit is real, she would talk, and she would talk fast. The only issue then, is what Graham does with her afterward.
The Southern Story needs a better delivery. Maybe a good actor could pull it off but, in the very least, the lines will need tweaking.

At around page 46... and this is turning out to be a very well crafted story. I bet you did a heap of research into Mr Teach. I think your first act suffers a little through drag, but that could just be reading it... on screen we may be a little more patient.

JAYDEN Your turn.
CLAIRE My turn?
JAYDEN To tell a story.
CLAIRE I have no stories.
JAYDEN Everyone has stories. Tell me one, a good one.

I literally groaned when I read the above. I can't read another heap of poorly delivered exposition. Skipping, I'm afraid.

Weed? Crack I could understand... even then, it would take some serious abuse to lose your mind like that. It's like you don't have any idea what you're talking about. A weak area of the script that could do with some serious research.

I'm not buying that he could get away with killing his mother. Maybe if he hid the body, yeah... but to walk in and out of a police station, I'm not buying.

Not buying the conversation at the end. There is more to Parker and Claire's relationship than this conversation warrants. Seems very forced.

What does the wrong dream mean? I didn't get that bit.

Over all this is a good story. Very well thought out and complete. A few more drafts and this will be ready to put out there.  I think the tone change in the second act is a good one and I'm not sure that you should change anything in the first act. It's meant to be an escalation of events and that's what this story does. I get a Cape Fear vibe from it.

Nice work.